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Questions about forgiveness, trust, and understanding.

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  • Questions about forgiveness, trust, and understanding.

    Hello,
    I am 26 yrs old. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and some months. Our history tells me that we are great together and good for the long term (aside from a few differences in communication and opinion). However, something has recently come up that has raised a huge red flag for me (and for him). Him and I were fighting over an ex boyfriend whom has become a very close friend of mine. The ex-boyfriend and I went through a lot and I grew a lot from that relationship and therefore there is a certain amount of trust their that I value and that is why we are still friends. Anyway, we went toe to toe about it because we have different beliefs about having exes as friends and for the most part I think it depends on the circumstance. I agree that most of the time exes cannot remain friends, but this one I made an exception because of history. Anywho, my current boyfriend and I were fighting about this, and he was out of town for over a week, I was upset and tired of hanging out at my house, so I decided it would do me good to go out and try and keep my mind off of our fight. So I did. I went out with a long time friend (ex-brother-inlaw) whom I have known since I was a little girl. I don't usually go out to the bar with other guys because I understand that it looks bad, but this was a family friend, so I felt it was ok. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of drinking too much, and instead of driving home drunk, he offered to let me stay at his parent's house for the night and drive me to my car in the morning. I agreed because I knew him well and it was his family's house, not his bachelor pad. Since that night, my boyfriend has treated me as not to be trusted, even though I made every accomodation for him to pick me up from that house the next day, meet my ex-brother inlaw and all. He has asked me questions that would insinuate I cheated and told me that my answers do not make sense to him. Currently, we have "resolved" the issue after a short break up and lots of conversation. I have agreed to stipulations on our relationship in order to try and gain his trust back. However, this is very hard on me because I am realizing that in the same situation, I would have never been so quick to be accusatory or untrusting. I would have ignored my own feelings in order to evaluate the situation as a whole better. And I certainly would not let this mistake (given it's circumstances) dictate our relationship when it was not a pattern and in my "bad" decision making we were at odds. I feel he is being very harsh, and I feel it is unfair for him to go out to the bar without me (a bar he has been going to for years and knows everyone at) but ask me not to go without him "for awhile" because he needs to rebuild his trust in me. Advise Anyone? I am completely torn.

  • Originally posted by Vreayla View Post
    I have agreed to stipulations on our relationship in order to try and gain his trust back.
    Why do you have to gain his trust back? You didn't do anything untrustworthy. This is his issue. He has trust issues and seems like a double standard on what he can do versus what you can do. Hard to say from this one instance, but this might be a red flag. Are there any other trust issues?
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

    Comment


    • I both trust and expect to be trusted in a relationship. I will give my a very broad "benefit of the doubt" and she does the same for me. To me being able to completely trust someone one of the most valuable parts of a relationship.

      If one of us ever did something to lose that trust, I would end the relationship (regardless of who had violated the trust) rather than continue without trust, OR if she was the one who violated the trust, I would completely forgive and trust again.

      Comment


      • If I'm understanding your post, you maintain a platonic friendship with an ex-boyfriend, and your current partner has a problem with that, which caused an argument. Your boyfriend went out of town for over a week. Why? Was this required for work or was this a vacation?

        You went to a bar and had a few drinks with an ex-brother-in-law (which is family, not the ex-boyfriend, right?) You had a few too many drinks. So what? You were depressed and wanted to drown your sorrows. That's your prerogative. You needed a friend and your boyfriend wasn't available. (of course I'm still wondering why he was out of town, if it was for work, then he is obligated, if it was for pleasure, then how dare he be judge and jury over you having a night out with a belated relative.)

        Seems pretty obvious to me that you had nothing to hide or you would not have asked him to pick you up and meet a member of the family.


        I have agreed to stipulations on our relationship in order to try and gain his trust back. However, this is very hard on me because I am realizing that in the same situation, I would have never been so quick to be accusatory or untrusting.
        We all make certain compromises in relationships, but he should be willing to live by the same "terms". There's not a chance in hell I'd agree to not having drinks with a friend, but allow it to be permissible for him. I'd hold my ground because breaking up with a control freak is much easier and less costly than a divorce later on down the line, assuming your intention for dating is to find a mate. Never allow someone to dominate or use you as a doormat.
        You are worth more than that.

        Best Wishes,
        Euphoric

        Comment


        • I'm getting a bit of the 'two sides to every story' feel here ....it definitely sounds like your BF has trust issues, and he shouldn't be allowed to impose terms on you that are unreasonable (he goes out with friends, you don't), but is there really nothing more to this story, no other history that might more justify his position, etc.? He could easily just be a control freak like Euphoric says, but it also sounds like someone who's been legitimately burned before. If it's the latter I'd try to help him with his issues without compromising your freedom. (The former obviously should just get the boot, asap.)
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

          Comment


          • Yes, the ex-boyfriend is platonic, but we are very close, which is why I can understand that it makes him uncomfortable. But he was not just uncomfortable he threw a fit about it. My boyfriend goes out of town regularly to work as a welder. I decided to go out after moping for several days because I just wanted to have a little fun, ya know? The ex-brother-in-law is not the ex-boyfriend otherwise I might understand. I kind of thought it was obvious that I had nothing to hide too, but apparently not to him . He has created a situation in his head that does not exist. I agree about living by the same terms. His argument will be that I did something to make him question me and now he needs me to do this for a while for security reasons. However, I still feel I have done nothing wrong. It's just strange to me because he has never been controlling before... or paranoid... He has always been fine up until this point. Starting with the ex-boyfriend. But he has never acted like I could not be trusted before, which is what makes me at least want to see how this bs pans out. I dunno . I am certainly not doing it out of guilt or obligation. I guess I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt (even though he did not show me the same). His standards are different than mine. He sees this as showing me the benefit of the doubt, because normally he would not even try at this point. He had been cheated on in a very severe way when he was much younger.

            Comment


            • Oh yes. He has been hurt severely. His first love cheated on him by sleeping with every single one of his male friends in high school because of a rumor that went around high school about him kissing his ex-girlfriend. It was traumatizing for him and he lost most of his friends through betrayal. Unfortunately he views this as a betrayal "because he did not know him" but I can judge for myself, and he does not have to seek approval from me before he hangs out with people I do not know. I understand why he is this way about it and it was very unthoughtful of me to be so careless knowing what I know about his history. It is just hard for me to swallow this pride and take one for the team when I know he is being harsh, regardless of how he sees it. I have been very consistent throughout our relationship and take pride in being loyal and trustworthy. I just find it hard to believe that it is easier for him to believe anything other than my story of "the night in question" when I am so trusting of him and so easily give the benefit of the doubt. I have been burned too. I was in a controlling abusive relationship the year before I met him. Which is another reason it is hard for me to make his request. I have a fear in my own mind that this is not the end of it. Maybe there is more to come and eventually he will start asking me why I put on makeup before I leave the house. I could understand if there was a pattern I have shown with this erratic behavior, but there is not. Instead I have to suffer because of the pattern in his life. If I was sure that in a few months everything would be back to normal and he would realize he can trust me, then I would be willing to go through this for a short. But it is hard when I have a nag in the back of my head that says our relationship will be full of double standards after this and that No Doubts "I'm just a girl" will be the story of my life.

              Comment


              • No, not that I am aware of. We have been great up until this point, starting with the ex-boyfriend friend argument. Please read my other post that explains his issues a little better.

                Comment


                • Well that makes more sense now that we know he has reasons. The nature of issues tho is that they can be irrational, so him fearing that you're sleeping with everybody, even tho there's no reason to think that, is kind of understandable. It would be like trying to convince someone who was run over by a bus that there's nothing to fear on an empty road - probably not gonna happen.

                  That said, you still have to stand your ground rather than give in to his insecurities. I think you're right that if you set a precedent for playing ball like this, it could become the norm. I'd suggest you sit him down and explain that you're loyal and have never cheated and won't, and that he has to accept that, but while showing him that you do care about his feelings and old wounds and reassuring him that you're not going to hurt him the same way. Then the ball's in his court. If he says no you still have to jump thru these hoops, tell him that's unacceptable and you will walk rather than make yourself into a doormat. If he gets it on the other hand, great.
                  [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                  Comment


                  • We can offer our opinions and make suggestions, but ultimately you have to do what is right for YOU! He has been betrayed in the past by a girlfriend. While that is sad and hurtful, it is not fair for him to make you pay for the offending actions of another individual. That is baggage from his past, which you were not a part of.

                    I can understand bending a little to calm his insecurities, but bending and breaking are two separate issues. That said, don't set yourself up to become a martyr because of issues from his past. Again, you weren't the person who jaded him.


                    I could understand if there was a pattern I have shown with this erratic behavior, but there is not. Instead I have to suffer because of the pattern in his life.
                    How much are you willing to bear? How much are you willing to suffer?


                    I understand why he is this way about it and it was very unthoughtful of me to be so careless knowing what I know about his history.
                    I don't see where you were careless or unthoughtful. His insecurities are from a past relationship. I don't know his age, but based on yours, I'm assuming he is near your age. High school was over approx. 7 - 8 years ago. Typically people grow and mature as they age and they don't hold on to high school resentments.

                    Comment


                    • Sorry, I accidentally sent before I was finished. You obviously care about him, therefore, the relationship may have a bump in the road occasionally, but riding it out can be rewarding. Keep in mind that it takes both parties working toward the same goal for success and happiness.

                      Comment


                      • my current boyfriend and I were fighting about this, and he was out of town for over a week, I was upset and tired of hanging out at my house, so I decided it would do me good to go out and try and keep my mind off of our fight. So I did. I went out with a long time friend (ex-brother-inlaw)
                        I made the mistake of drinking too much, and instead of driving home drunk, he offered to let me stay at his parent's house for the night and drive me to my car in the morning. I agreed
                        ex-brother-in-law is not the ex-boyfriend otherwise I might understand
                        .

                        He has been hurt severely. His first love cheated on him by sleeping with every single one of his male friends in high school because of a rumor that went around high school about him kissing his ex-girlfriend.
                        I get this feeling there is a little bit of a rebel in you Let's look at this honestly.

                        Yes, you have every right to go out and mingle with who ever you want as long as you are faithful.

                        Yes, trust is a big thing within a relationship and without it, the relationship is doomed.

                        Yes, he should trust you with your ex but given what happened to him and I suspect that high school and now, is not that many years ago, then put yourself in his shoes, turn it around, he cheated left right and centre on his ex-girlfriend and goes out all the time, leaves you home think about your thoughts.

                        You had another argument about this he went out of town. You stewed and stewed I suspect to the point of how dare he not trust me, and rebelled and went out with the ex's brother. Think about reversing the situation and your man did that to you. To me that's rebelling, planting a seed, giving what for. All his fears including more than likely that the ex was there as well, not just the ex's brother after such an argument is that perhaps asking for well, another argument? Wouldn't it have been "ok" if you had gone out with a girlfriend? I'm trying to put myself in his shoes for you so you can see both sides sweet.

                        In my opinion, yes he has trust issues but if a person deliberately adds to it, within the areas that the other person is having difficulty understanding, feeling safe with wouldn't that have hurt him? I think so.. It's adding fuel to the fire.

                        This however is his trust issue but if you love him, honestly love him, compromise in some form to help him build it with you to know in his heart he finally has someone different, someone that loves him and him only, someone he wouldn't care if she met Brad Pitt or Justin Beebs? He is safe does happen. Not sure if you want to spend that time though, it can be long and it doesn't always work, sometimes it's so deep rooted that the in-security doesn't go away.

                        Hard call for you and I hope you realise the gist of what I am saying and not thinking I am putting you down... I was the best rebel in town when young.
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                        Comment


                        • He is 33 years old. High school was a long time ago, but he is very inexperienced because he has not had a serious girlfriend since until me. He actually was not the one who did the cheating. It was his ex that cheated on him. I was not mad that he was out of town (he was on work) and he has been on jobs that go out of town since we started dating (over a year ago) and with all of that out of town stuff, I have never been suspicious of him (even though he goes out to the bar with his boss if they have to stay a weekend). I honestly did not do it out of spite. I was tired of moping and posted on my fb "anyone want to go to the park and get coffee or go to the bar and have a beer?" and ex-brother-in-law was the first to respond (whom I trust a great deal). I just needed to get out of my thoughts, and no the ex-boyfriend was not there. I have not spoken with the ex since all of this transpired because I am still trying to decide if the friendship is worth fighting for (or maybe it is the principle that I should be fighting for). I am going to try and work through this with my boyfriend, I am just not sure for how long. It very well depends on his efforts to trust me again. Trust is a two way street and asking me not to do things because you have insecurities does not work through trust issues, it just gives him a pacifier, and also that shows no effort on his side. I deserve to be treated as someone who can be trusted even when I have done something "questionable" because I have been very consistent in the relationship thus far and believe in benefit of the doubt on first questionable circumstances. Only when there is a pattern do I allow myself to be suspicious of another person. Also, I showed him my fb messages after the fact, introduced and hung out with my ex-brother-in-law with him, called him before the bar to let him know who what where and when. I could understand him believing that I went out in-spite of him if I had done any spiteful things previously, but I do not believe in revenge. I prefer to move on, because revenge just makes me feel ugly. I do appreciate all of your input though, and understand your reasoning. It's just that those are things I have already considered and given answers to.

                          Comment


                          • Oh dear. He's 33 and the cheating happened in high school and you are his next serious relationship? I know it was his ex, I was trying to paint you a picture back to front and suggested Rebel not spite But seems you have already considered all of that.

                            Hon, 33 he is a grown man. At this point in time of your life, you deserve someone who makes you laugh, someone to have special date nights with, someone who is your best friend as well as your lover and future.

                            Perhaps you need to be assertive. He is holding all the cards at present " if he can trust you again", cornering you to do what he pleases and making you feel it's your fault.

                            Given what you have just written, it sounds as if he can do what he wants all the time and you can do what he wants most of the time...

                            You showed him your face-book messages, introduced the ex-brother-in-law. He needs to get over this and you need to not allow him to put this onto you, you both are grown Adults and he needs to act like one.
                            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                            Comment


                            • "Hon, 33 he is a grown man. At this point in time of your life, you deserve someone who makes you laugh, someone to have special date nights with, someone who is your best friend as well as your lover and future."

                              I agree, but he was all of these things before the incident. He was very manly and secure and a believer of me. I just really hit the nail on the head I guess. I am not taking blame... I just feel I should have foreseen this.

                              Perhaps you need to be assertive. He is holding all the cards at present " if he can trust you again", cornering you to do what he pleases and making you feel it's your fault.


                              I agree, I just don't want to at fuel to the fire. I thought maybe I could wait a week or two for the waters to calm and then bring this up in the most tactful understanding way I know how.

                              You showed him your face-book messages, introduced the ex-brother-in-law. He needs to get over this and you need to not allow him to put this onto you, you both are grown Adults and he needs to act like one.

                              I KNOW RIGHT! (sorry for the caps but that was my initial reaction and why I broke it off to begin with)

                              Also I heard spite because that is what he was trying to say I did it out of... so I have been kind of stuck on that.

                              Comment

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