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Should I get out?

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  • Should I get out?

    I'm a new member here and mainly joined just for the sake of asking this question.

    I think I need to get out of my relationship, but I don't know how. I'd like to hear other's opinions on our situation.

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years this April. We met online and started talking and met in person about 3 months later. He lived about 2 hours away from me at the time. Things went well, but he was always a bit distant. Never really said what he was doing, where he was going, etc. I'm not a nosey person, but maybe a bit more open than he is.

    I visited him almost every weekend, but he very rarely came to visit me. Due to paying off student loans, I am still living at home with my mother. He obviously didn't feel comfortable here.

    After about 3 years he quit his job (it was a bad situation) and went to live with his mother - which is about 5 hours away from me. We didn't see eachother very often during this time. Maybe about once every month when he would come to look at apartments in the city where I used to work (a 2-hour commute for me).

    He ended up finding a place and moving there, but hasn't found a job yet. It's been 2 years. He is suffering from depression but won't admit it. He says he doesn't have the physical strength to sit down and look for jobs. He is spiraling deeper and deeper into this hole, but he won't do anything about it.

    The past year of our relationship has been very exhausting for me. He doesn't talk much. I do a lot of the talking when we're on the phone and get "Hmm" as an answer. Our communication sucks, and I've talked to him about this a number of times. In November or December of last year he just up and disappered for 5 days. Wouldn't answer my calls, wouldn't text me back, nothing. Due to work I couldn't make the drive to his place - but I was worried sick. On the 6th day he called me in the evening, sounding horrible. I was extremely angry and told him that I can't deal with that and that we need to work on our relationship. I was on the verge of breaking up with him... but I didn't.

    He disappeared again 3 days ago. I saw him shortly on Facebook and he said Hello. I asked why he wasn't answering the phone and he disappeared again. Won't answer texts, won't answer calls, etc.

    I'm extremely frustrated and I honestly don't see our relationship going anywhere anymore. He is going to be 44 this year and I will be 29. There is a large age difference between us, which was never a problem in the beginning. He's a really nice guy, fun to be around and he does care about me. But I think he takes me for granted and expects me to just be there whenever he wants.

    Now I will say this: we have had issues in the past with him texting and meeting up with other girls. In the first year of our relationship (in the very beginning) he went away on vacation with ANOTHER girl (who also had a crush on him) for a week. I found out because I read a text. He is also registered on a dating site that I know he is active on. I know this because I looked in his emails. He has also met girls from this site while we were together. Snooping isn't good, but I listened to my gut instinct.

    I believe that he's likely at his mother's right now, but I won't call there. I refuse to run after him like he's some sort of dog.

    I just hate that there is ZERO communication between us (from his side, I tell him everything). I feel like I'm constantly in the dark.

    So what do I do? How do I break up with someone who is in such a dark place and literally has no one around him that cares?

  • I do believe you should get out of that relationship. It is not healthy for you. I think you know how unhappy you are. Its understandable not to want to break up with this person because you do care, and it is hard to do when they do have an issue like that within themselves; however, I feel that everyone has to learn personal responsibility as well. I dated a man for a little over two years and he was bi-polar. I stayed with him through that and when he got medication for his issue. After that I left. Is this the kind of relationship you want to continue to deal with? Since you stated you dont see your relationship going anywhere anymore I think you yourself already knows the answer to this question. I'm sure your a smart, great person who deserves someone who will treat you better. The fact that he won't help himself is also a bit alarming as well. Like I said I think people need to take personal responsibility for their behavior.

    Comment


    • Thank you HoneyBee.

      This is honestly not where I expected my life to be at 29 years old. I want to be married, I want to have children. I honestly just DO NOT see that happening. EVER. So many things would have to change for that to happen.

      I have a great job here that I won't give up, but he also won't move to be near me. Or at least he hasn't ever made the effort to.

      I confronted him about the other girls and he said that he honestly does it because it strokes his ego. He's a very good looking man. You'd never know that he's battling his own personal demons by looking at him. He honestly looks like someone out of the show "Mad Men".

      I just don't know how to do it. We live 2 hours away from eachother - do I drive to his house and do it? Do I do it over the phone? Urgh...

      I wrote him a text this afternoon saying "I really hate this silence". What did I get back? More silence.

      Comment


      • Any time Dovey!! You sound like a good chick with a great head on her shoulders! Effort has to happen in a relationship to work. It sounds very one sided to me. Using his ego as an excuse is not at all acceptable!! you should be important enough for him not to go chit chat with other girls in an inappropriate way!!

        Since you live a couple hrs away from each other I would do it over the phone. Even though I do strongly believe break-ups need to be face to face, it is somewhat circumstantial as well. Also if the other person isnt making the attempt to meet up then they are really leaving you no choice. I would just simply say hey I think we really need to talk about tell him whats up. Ive noticed with a lot of guys the best way is to state the problem once and let it go, other wise they tune u out. Unless of course they keep doing it but then different action will have to take place other than just discussing it. He probably knows you dont like the silence/the lack of communication, but just is choosing to not work on the issue. You know what is best and how to handle it I think though.

        Comment


        • Now I will say this: we have had issues in the past with him texting and meeting up with other girls. In the first year of our relationship (in the very beginning) he went away on vacation with ANOTHER girl (who also had a crush on him) for a week. I found out because I read a text. He is also registered on a dating site that I know he is active on. I know this because I looked in his emails. He has also met girls from this site while we were together. Snooping isn't good, but I listened to my gut instinct.

          I believe that he's likely at his mother's right now
          You're all woman now, more power to you, 30 is an awesome year

          This guy I'm sorry, is just a loser lives with his Mum mainly, will dote over her and no other woman meets her standard, or would meet her standard.

          I've met a guy like this. And, exactly how you explain your life with him, this guy was the same, we held discussions as CW not as two bodies He used to pay for sex, or try on-line dating, he had a girlfriend, it ended, had another, it ended, because the girls would not put up with what you did.

          At 24 we are still growing and a 40 year old mature male sounds pretty interesting but this is your life and you've wasted enough as it is . You won't recognise yourself when you do meet a lovely guy who is there 24/7 well not that much, you'll tell him you need space

          But, a proper relationship. You're ready for it, don't feel bad or sad it's not your fault you've stayed long enough. He will I suspect remain the same, Mummy's boy, no one lives up to her and just wander through life..

          It's sad because if he was a weak child? And, his Mother over powered every move he made? He'll never get out of this or leave home, find a job, be able to settle properly, she's held the strings for 44 years.

          Go and enjoy your life you live once.
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • He's very much a mommy's-boy. His father died about 10 years ago and he's always felt the need to take care of and protect his mother. All in all, not too bad qualities, but he takes it to an extreme. I honestly don't know if his mother even knows I'm his girlfriend. I have never met her, never spoken to her on the phone. When they're on the phone together and I'm there, there is no mention of me.

            His mom is very controlling, IMO. She had him very late in life (in her 40s) so she is well over 80 now. She's like my Grandmother!! Very old fashioned - and I think it rubs off on him.

            I don't think my boyfriend has slept around on me. Things in the bedroom are a bit...prude. But he certainly admits that it does stroke his ego to know that other women find him attractive and that they flirt with him. I hate it.

            I have been in one other serious relationship before, but we had to break up because I moved and he didn't want to come with me. I honestly think that relationship would have ended up with marriage and children.

            Those are the things I want most: marriage and children. I'm nearing 30 and I never wanted to be an "old" mother. 30 isn't old at all - but I would really like to have my first child (at least!!) by 33. And I don't think it's going to happen with him. If he hasn't made the effort in 5 years to be near me, how am I to expect that it will come within the next 4?

            I just feel like I'm wasting my time.

            If I break up with him now, I feel like I would be kicking a dog when he's down.

            Comment


            • But are you responsible for every stray dog out there? Pity or charity is NOT something to base a relationship on. You don't have to nuke him, you can be 'nice' about it, but you already know it has to be done.

              One thing I'd suggest is to be honest with him. When it comes to dumping somebody, we often want to lessen the blow by diluting or disguising the facts, but IMO that's a bad approach and it's mainly done so we don't have to feel as bad about it. Don't do that. The one thing he can gain from your relationship at this point is knowledge of what he did wrong so he can make changes. If you deny him that he gets nothing out of it. He just gets dumped, and he'll probably know you weren't shooting him straight anyway but he still won't know why you left. So all he'll take away is the knowledge that you didn't respect him enough to treat him like a man.
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

              Comment


              • Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                But are you responsible for every stray dog out there? Pity or charity is NOT something to base a relationship on. You don't have to nuke him, you can be 'nice' about it, but you already know it has to be done.

                One thing I'd suggest is to be honest with him. When it comes to dumping somebody, we often want to lessen the blow by diluting or disguising the facts, but IMO that's a bad approach and it's mainly done so we don't have to feel as bad about it. Don't do that. The one thing he can gain from your relationship at this point is knowledge of what he did wrong so he can make changes. If you deny him that he gets nothing out of it. He just gets dumped, and he'll probably know you weren't shooting him straight anyway but he still won't know why you left. So all he'll take away is the knowledge that you didn't respect him enough to treat him like a man.
                Thanks Jen, you are absolutely right.

                Staying with someone out of guilt or pity is horrible - I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me, either.

                I'm still struggling with how to do this. Since we live 2 hours away from eachother, doing it in person would cause long drives, one of which would be extremely emotional for one of us depending on if he came here or if I came there.

                Since I can't get him on the phone, I can't do it that way either. The only thing left is an E-mail or a text message. Both of which are really crappy... but what other options do I have?

                I have never broken up with someone I have cared about so much. I really don't know what I'm doing here.
                Last edited by Dovey; 03-21-2014, 11:27 AM.

                Comment


                • Aw sweetie you need a hug. (Wish we had a hug smiley here.)

                  He's made the call himslef by cutting communication, and just showing up seems pretty risky, so you should e-mail him. Texting is too brief and harsh. You can explain yourself much better in an e-mail. Then be sure to add a "you can call me if you want" to be the bigger person and keep the lines open on your end. You'll get thru it hon.
                  [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                    Aw sweetie you need a hug. (Wish we had a hug smiley here.)

                    He's made the call himslef by cutting communication, and just showing up seems pretty risky, so you should e-mail him. Texting is too brief and harsh. You can explain yourself much better in an e-mail. Then be sure to add a "you can call me if you want" to be the bigger person and keep the lines open on your end. You'll get thru it hon.
                    Thank you :hugs: (that's what another forum I visit uses ;-) )

                    I just feel so sad when I think about it. I don't know where he is. Did he go off in the mountains hiking? Did he go visit his mother? Does he even know how I am feeling? Is this going to knock him off his chair when he reads his e-mails?

                    I feel sick.

                    I don't know when I should do it. Now? Saturday, Sunday?

                    I could start writing now, I suppose.

                    Comment


                    • Yeah, I'd say start now, take your time, say what you want to say, and make it all count. It's actually an advantage to write something like that out because it helps you organize your thoughts and you don't have to risk any verbal "um, uh" stammering.

                      All the things you're feeling are legit, so don't be ashamed of them. It's also unavoidable, so prepare for some misery but in the end it's the right thing to do. You're better than the way he's treating you and you have to stand up for yourself. He'll survive.

                      We're here if you need any more huggin'.
                      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                      Comment


                      • I started writing the E-Mail and I am sitting here crying my eyes out. I know that I am doing the right thing, but I feel like such a ******** coward for having to do it over E-Mail. But he has left me no choice.

                        I started of saying how much I have been hurting these past few days without him. How I don't know where is he, what he's doing, if he's okay and that I realised that I can no longer be in a relationship like that.

                        I then went on to say that I think it's been clear to both of us in the last months, that things haven't been good. We see eachother less and less, we don't have much to say to eachother and that the trust in our relationship is damaged and not there in the form that it needs to be in order to have a healthy and successful relationship. That trust can't be repaired. Also i wrote about how we're basically leading two separate lives - living more as friends rather than as partners. I don't see a future.

                        I then wrote about how much it hurts me to do it via E-Mail, but that I couldn't look him in the eyes without breaking down.

                        ...I'm not sure what else to say.

                        Do I send him a text before hand letting him know that I wrote him an E-Mail?

                        I feel sick.

                        Comment


                        • One of your worries was that he wasn't where you expected him to be. He has been neglectful no matter where he has been. If you have the resources, you could hire someone to find out where he is. Then you can write your message with a clear conscious. You could even have a friend stop by his mother's place to observe if he is there, but the friend would have to have a cover story.
                          I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                          ...
                          Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                          From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                          Comment


                          • I wouldn't engage in the hokey-pokey stuff, the reality is never so dramatic. Frankly he's just blowing you off for whatever goofy reason, he's not dying in a ditch like everyone always suspects (they never are), so e-mail is quite fine imo. Again, he made that call - if he was available at all you could talk to him but he isn't. What else are you supposed to do?

                            All your words sounds good hon. Crying is normal, feeling sick is normal, even feeling crappy/cowardly is normal. There is no feeling good here, and there's no avoiding that. The good will come later tho as a result of you valuing yourself.

                            I think a heads-up text is actually a good idea too. Dumping via text would be pretty harsh but saying go check your e-mail isn't.

                            :hugs:
                            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

                            Comment


                            • Hey Dovey,

                              We are wondering how you went and how your are.
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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