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New Boyfriend: Too fast? How to work with him?

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  • New Boyfriend: Too fast? How to work with him?

    I recently started officially dating a friend for week and a half and we're both 19. I've known him for a year and we have gotten really close the past two months. We have gotten along very well and things are going great except I am having problems being able to keep up with his pace of physical intimacy.

    Even before we dated he tried to kiss me multiple times but I have tried to avoid it until the 4th day we started going out. By the end of that week that kiss turned into tongue kissing and he started to touch me underneath the clothes. Knowing I don't really explore sexually, he seems to be trying to opening up that side of me in a very short time at a fast pace. Couple days ago, he was trying to encourage me to be more sexually stimulated and told me I should try masturbating.

    In addition, he sexually stimulated me on my upper body and explained that it is supposed to make people feel good... but rather it left me bit torn and confused... I tried resisting his attempts to go further every time he does, but physically he overpowers me eventually or he tells me to "relax" and then proceeds when I do. When I don't "relax" he waits for me to be in a calmer phase before he does anything and then.... he does what he wants....

    As much as I really have grown to like him, all this has made me feel a bit too exposed and vulnerable.. I have mentioned this to him that before but then he tries to assure me that everything is okay. I do not think he understands where I am coming from... How should I work with him on this?

  • Your boyfriend does not lack understanding, he lacks respect for you and your comfort level with physical intimacy. Re-read your post -- "things are going well" -- except that, when you set limits, he eventually "physically overpowers" you. He also emotionally tries to break your resistance and then "does what he wants". His behavior is boarder line abusive.

    These are not the traits of a loving and caring man. You have every right to take physical intimacy as slowly as you choose. His obligation is to respect your limits. If he cannot or will not, this is not the right relationship for you. If he bullies you sexually, it will eventually reach every part of your relationship.
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

    Comment


    • "physically overpowers me". This is a really bad sign. Encouraging you to be more intimate is OK, though as that turns into verbal pressuring its bad. Physically forcing you is absolutely not acceptable. Ever.

      Do you tell him to stop (rather than just sort of resist physically?). If not, then do so - VERY CLEARLY.

      If he EVER continues after you tell him to stop, get out, end things immediately. From what I'm reading I can't tell if he has already crossed this line, but I suspect so.

      Even if he hasn't continued after you have clearly told him to stop, he is behaving in an obnoxious fashion. This is bad now, and can get much worse. Its not that big a step from what he is doing to rape.

      Comment


      • As someone who has helped many others along the road to more sexual pleasure and awakening, I can say categorically that you never force anybody. It has to proceed at their own pace. If what he's really doing is trying to move you along that road (and not just a disguise for his own enjoyment primarily), he's doing it like a noob and should take some instruction himself before he instructs anybody else. I don't like the sound of it.
        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

        Comment


        • Secret, I have a couple of questions, is this the same guy you were talking about in your blurred lines post? And secondly are you uncomfortable with sex altogether or just with the pace he's setting?

          Comment


          • Respect yourself and demand he respect you as well

            secret0524 you are young, but you have to start respecting yourself more than to put up with this.

            you have every right to proceed at your own pace....always. and as the others have said, if he won't respect your decisions he doesn't respect you. A lot of people stay/put up with things they should not. To me that comes off as desperation or a lack of self-respect; like even if this meant breaking up and you might be alone for a while, like that would be the end of the world. It wouldn't.

            There are far worse things that being alone for a while, and one of them is being with someone who will force you do do things you do not want to do. (...whether it is by physical force or coercion.)

            AS to your question
            How should I work with him on this?
            I am sorry I wouldn't - if you decide to though, you have to draw a line in the sand. something along the line...
            I did not stand up for myself before, but i am telling you that I will not be doing x,y,z,a,b,c unless I choose to and it will only happen if I initiate it and explicitly say I want to do (whichever x,y,z,a,b,c you are interested in).
            No it will not be very spontaneous, but his lack of respect for your wishes is what will have forced your hand.

            My opinion.

            Comment


            • Originally posted by Trixareforkids View Post
              Secret, I have a couple of questions, is this the same guy you were talking about in your blurred lines post? And secondly are you uncomfortable with sex altogether or just with the pace he's setting?
              Growing up I have always been taught sex as a huge taboo... and that men were preying on women to get that from them.... Because of that type of upbringing I tend to be very uncomfortable with the idea of sex..... Coming from somebody who never even kissed anybody to something like this in that short of a time, his actions do shock me quite a bit.

              Yes this is the same guy....

              Comment


              • Ok secret, that's what I kinda thought but I didn't want to assume because it makes a difference in my advice.

                So you either need to tell him to straight up STOP and let him know that while he can lead YOU have to set the pace OR you need to break it off. He's already shown he has boundary issues and you've basically rewarded him for pushing those boundaries by taking the relationship to the next level. You now need to make it clear that continued pushing will yield no further rewards. If you haven't already you need to be sure that he's clear on the fact that you are a TOTAL novice and sex is NOT something you are going to jump right into. It usually takes months of build up from one level to the next and that is what he should expect. The second you pull back or say no or not yet to an advance that he will have to be prepared to do as you say.

                Listen to Jen's warning bells, she's helped many along the road to discovery and knows what she's talking about. Listen also to yourself, if you don't feel ready then pull back. The only right time is the one YOU pick, I don't care if that time doesn't happen for another couple of years, it doesn't say anything about you except that you knew yourself well enough to pick your time.

                If he does not respect this then it's time to go back to being just flirty friends. Building up to sex, especially if you're coming from a background where it's very taboo and YOU feel that taboo should not be rushed. DO NOT allow yourself to be pressured into going any further than you feel ready for. If you do you are setting yourself up for a lot of issues for the rest of your sexual life. Sex is about wanting and if you don't want it yet then you have to be very clear about that. And if you have been clear and he's still pushing then it's a NO QUESTION DUMP!

                Comment


                • Originally posted by jen1447 View Post
                  I can say categorically that you never force anybody. It has to proceed at their own pace.
                  I agree....that would be criminal.

                  But between that and "...faint heart never catches fair lady" should be a happy medium.

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Trixareforkids View Post
                    Ok secret, that's what I kinda thought but I didn't want to assume because it makes a difference in my advice.

                    So you either need to tell him to straight up STOP and let him know that while he can lead YOU have to set the pace OR you need to break it off. He's already shown he has boundary issues and you've basically rewarded him for pushing those boundaries by taking the relationship to the next level. You now need to make it clear that continued pushing will yield no further rewards. If you haven't already you need to be sure that he's clear on the fact that you are a TOTAL novice and sex is NOT something you are going to jump right into. It usually takes months of build up from one level to the next and that is what he should expect. The second you pull back or say no or not yet to an advance that he will have to be prepared to do as you say.

                    Listen to Jen's warning bells, she's helped many along the road to discovery and knows what she's talking about. Listen also to yourself, if you don't feel ready then pull back. The only right time is the one YOU pick, I don't care if that time doesn't happen for another couple of years, it doesn't say anything about you except that you knew yourself well enough to pick your time.

                    If he does not respect this then it's time to go back to being just flirty friends. Building up to sex, especially if you're coming from a background where it's very taboo and YOU feel that taboo should not be rushed. DO NOT allow yourself to be pressured into going any further than you feel ready for. If you do you are setting yourself up for a lot of issues for the rest of your sexual life. Sex is about wanting and if you don't want it yet then you have to be very clear about that. And if you have been clear and he's still pushing then it's a NO QUESTION DUMP!
                    Trix is right on. You first need to speak up and set your boundaries. If he continues to push right past them, then get rid of him. Unfortunately, he sounds very much like the stereotype you've been taught about men. If you let him proceed, he is likely to confirm it. And the result is that you could end up thinking that about all men.

                    There really are decent men out there. Don't sacrifice your well being to one who isn't.

                    Comment


                    • Originally posted by secret0524 View Post
                      I recently started officially dating a friend for week and a half and we're both 19. I've known him for a year and we have gotten really close the past two months. We have gotten along very well and things are going great except I am having problems being able to keep up with his pace of physical intimacy.

                      Even before we dated he tried to kiss me multiple times but I have tried to avoid it until the 4th day we started going out. By the end of that week that kiss turned into tongue kissing and he started to touch me underneath the clothes. Knowing I don't really explore sexually, he seems to be trying to opening up that side of me in a very short time at a fast pace. Couple days ago, he was trying to encourage me to be more sexually stimulated and told me I should try masturbating.

                      In addition, he sexually stimulated me on my upper body and explained that it is supposed to make people feel good... but rather it left me bit torn and confused... I tried resisting his attempts to go further every time he does, but physically he overpowers me eventually or he tells me to "relax" and then proceeds when I do. When I don't "relax" he waits for me to be in a calmer phase before he does anything and then.... he does what he wants....

                      As much as I really have grown to like him, all this has made me feel a bit too exposed and vulnerable.. I have mentioned this to him that before but then he tries to assure me that everything is okay. I do not think he understands where I am coming from... How should I work with him on this?
                      but physically he overpowers me eventually or he tells me to "relax"
                      Firstly, your parents are correct and are not correct. What they are telling you is that there are "some" guys that will take advantage of you, won't listen to you, over-power you and take what they want, even if you say no. But, there are off course gentleman out there that will respect the word "no".

                      So because he will not accept the word "no" does that mean he is not a gentleman? To me, it means he is what your parents described to be careful of.

                      He is 27 years of age, you are 19. He has been around, he has done this before and he doesn't care. Why? Because you said "no" perhaps not in the word and so, you need to now use it "NO". He understands where you are coming from, he wants to take. This is where you must now learn to say "NO" and if he does not listen and continues to say "relax" then you need to not think he is helping you grow up as a woman but that he is using you for his self gain. Any 27 year old that is asked to not do something and instead says relax is not caring at all what you are feeling.

                      You are worth more than that, don't let this guy bully you into sex.. Yes, you may wish to explore but I think you want it to be with some form of love yes? Not just do it to find out.

                      What would I do? Point him to this thread and let him read it...

                      Use the word "NO" and if he does not listen, walk away real fast and never return.

                      You will find someone that respects you and will take things at "your pace", ..

                      Please listen to the advice and opinions you are getting.
                      PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                      Comment


                      • I agree with CW here, if he's forcing himself on you and won't accept the word NO... Then walk,, there are plenty of guys out there, that will respect you and allow you to progress sexually at your own rate.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Pollon View Post
                          There really are decent men out there. Don't sacrifice your well being to one who isn't.
                          Very well said!

                          Comment

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