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I don't know what to make of this feeling...confusion is driving me up the wall

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  • I don't know what to make of this feeling...confusion is driving me up the wall

    I'm in a curious problem and don't really know what to make of it.

    As it goes, I've been besties with a guy over the internet for nearly four years now. We've spent hours talking to each other about practically everything, fighting, arguing, joking etc.We even met up a few times, and he (along with a few other similarly close virtual friends) became my BFF just like real-life best friends of mine.The thing is, I'd always viewed him in a strictly platonic manner right from the start and never harboured any sexual feelings for him, and neither do I now to be honest.But from the last year, a common friend of ours has been constantly trying to link the two of us up,saying how perfect we would be for each other, gauging from the similarities in our characteristics (which is true when considered objectively, he and I have a lot in common and would make a compatible couple).

    Still I laughed it off and never tried to think of it in that manner. In fact, I got extremely irritated whenever the friend tried to bring it up or tease me about it. I, on the other hand, always felt that he had a thing for her (the common friend who teases me), from the way he talked about her in chats or the way he sometimes flirted with her in a joking manner in our Facebook/Yahoo group chats.Basically, that common friend and I both used to pull each others' legs regarding the guy.

    A month ago, that common friend told me very solemnly that the guy liked me and even gave out a few details regarding what he told her about me.I was thrilled to hear it, but nevertheless brushed it off since I'm not yet ready for a relationship and I didn't try to think of him that way.

    Still, it gave me a high to know that he liked me.

    But after a few days, I began to doubt the words that I'd been told, and therefore I confronted her with interrogative questions, to which she admitted that she had exaggerated a bit and he hadn't really directly told her that he liked me.I was miffed, but let it go.

    Today evening, we were talking through phone, and in the course of chat, she admitted that he, indeed, used to like NONE OTHER THAN HER!!!He'd even proposed marriage to her back in 2012 which she had declined since she already had a fiance (to whom she's married now.Also, she said that this was the reason they had temporarily stopped interacting post her marriage. She didn't cut him off completely since she didn't want to hurt a good friend, but maintained a distance from him nonetheless.

    Also, to her admittance, she'd always wanted the two of us together and so she made all those exaggerations that she fed me previously.

    Now, you might think that I shouldn't really care and feel vindicated since I'd always teased her too, but I didn't.In fact,I got a crushing blow.No idea why, but I feel a sort of pain which I cannot describe. As mentioned earlier, I never considered him in that way consciously (save a few idle "what if" moments) and wasn't ready for any relationships, but still I just couldn't handle the news.

    I keep feeling like "I did NOT need to know this!!!!" Its all in the past; she's happily married and he works out of the country, But its bothering me a lot. I tried to brush it off, but the dumpy feeling refuses to leave me. I know it makes no sense, but I desperately need to put a name to this. Please help.

    P.S.: Thanks for reading.
    Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 05-14-2014, 03:03 PM.

  • Have you ever met this guy in person before ?


    • The name to this feeling is ego. Whether or not the romantic attraction is mutual, you have a lot of respect for this man. He became your BFF. When you were told that the man had a romantic interest in you -- it was an incredible ego boost. You brought about that reaction from a great person from your on line personality. You then started fantasizing (or, if that is too strong, "trying on") about this relationship.

      Finding out that his attraction was exaggerated could bring about three ego deflating feelings. The obvious is the disappointment that he is not romantically attracted to you. The second might be the embarrassment that you believed in the attraction (and perhaps thought about the mutuality of it) before having the true facts. The third could be betrayal by your other friend. All of these uncomfortable feelings could have been spared if she had just shut up.

      Of course, the internet seems to put us all back in high school passing notes. These feelings will pass.
      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


      • It's called Betrayal.

        You were content with a bff relationship with this guy and the girl you consider your friend basically lied to you, which consequently caused hurt feelings, twofold. First, the fact that she lied (albeit with good intentions or not) is frustrating. Secondly, at her prodding, you mentally explored the possibility of a relationship with him. Now that you have learned it was all a false facade, your emotions are all over the place. Unless I missed something, he never led you on. Tread carefully. Although you are hurt, it wasn't his fault and I can see where you may want to avoid him, to a degree. But it was the common girlfriend that created this emotional havoc you are experiencing. Quite honestly, I'd be leery and take her words with a grain of salt. She may regret having done this, which is why she came clean. Or perhaps, your interrogation forced the truth out of her. Tread carefully, but don't take your frustration out on your bff, he is not responsible for the mess she created.


        • Effy2014 and Euphoric: What you say is absolutely true. I did try to imagine the possibilities of a future with him. Though admittedly I'd decided against it finally after a lot of considerations, it did plant the seed of the idea in me, and now it seems to have gone too deep to try and uproot. Hopefully, as you Effy said, they'll wane.

          Euphoric: Nope he never led me on.

          What do you think I should do now? Should I go and spill out the whole story to the guy and use it to teach our devious common friend a lesson? (she desperarely begged me not to breathe a word to him since he'd be mad at her). I'm seriously itching to get back at ger. Or do you say I just leave it alone?


          • There are people who will argue that virtual (internet) relationships aren't real and to each their own. I have friends that I met through the internet, as well as friends who have moved and use the internet as a tool to stay in touch. Here, on this forum, I have friends and they are real. The person behind the words typed in each post is real. The forum allows us to remain true to who we are because of anonymity. It's fascinating , really. Would we feel the same and value a member's opinion if we were face to face? Or would prejudices that we overlook cause us to find less value in that person?

            While I understand your feelings for revenge, I'm not sure that you'll find the satisfaction you are hoping for. If you all regularly chat in a group, and you suddenly refrain from communicating with her, I'd think that your bff would pick up on that. If he knows you well, I'd imagine that he'd message you privately and ask if there is a problem. If you feel inclined to disclose the events leading up to this point, doing it privately may be best and it would show more class. Tossing a person's mistake on a board for others to see may make you look like to villain. That's how mole hills turn into mountains.

            Take time to think about it. Right now you are seething mad but after having time to thoroughly digest this revelation, you may feel differently. Gut instinct and/or logic had already kicked in and you had decided not to allow things to go farther with your bff. I don't know the nature of your relationship with this common girlfriend, and though her actions are reprehensible, is it possible that she didn't mean to hurt you? You need to decide if she did this spitefully with malicious intent, or made a mistake by trying to play matchmaker. Yes, she went overboard, but she may already be beating herself up over this.

            I'd tread carefully. If she knows you well and values your friendship, she'll detect the reservation and try to make amends. I think taking the high road may be best. If nothing else, you learn how well your friends know you.

            Best Wishes,


            • Originally posted by Anaida View Post
              What do you think I should do now? Should I go and spill out the whole story to the guy and use it to teach our devious common friend a lesson? (she desperarely begged me not to breathe a word to him since he'd be mad at her). I'm seriously itching to get back at ger. Or do you say I just leave it alone?
              I don't think so. This situation has the potential to hurt even more. Imagine if he started to laugh at the idea if you and he getting together . . . . Leave it alone.
              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


              • I'd actually say "Jealousy"

                They have a history which if it's my understanding, you knew nothing about. She married someone else.

                She's got some form of feeling for him, or else she wouldn't be thinking of putting him together with someone she "likes". Having said that, there is a second thought there and that is that she was "testing" you to see if you liked him, given your continued relationship with him, a form of jealousy, perhaps setting you up originally to talk to him, only to fall.

                Realising that perhaps you don't feel the same way about him, she then told you the truth. And is now begging you to not say anything.

                Selfishly, instead of being a friend and asking you straight out if you liked him, she selfishly hid and lied to find that out and in the process messed with your emotions.

                I would be asking myself "is this a true friend?" ...

                I have Internet friends that I have met in real life and others I have every intention on doing so one day, that I trust as being real.

                I am doubting this one. She played a game on you.
                PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                • CW: I confronted her finally, after much deliberation. She can't stop apologising and says that she only did it for the sake of her "best friends". And yeah, she admitted that she too used to like him somewhat but didnt give it any thought because her family wouldn't allow it (she's from a different country and religion). She has accepted her guilt, and maintains that she never intended to hurt me as she "loved" me very much.

                  I don't know what to do now. The shock has been absorbed to a great extent, but I cannot rid myself of the "hurt" feeling. In fact, I'm scared that if I think too much about it, I might end up actually falling for the guy. But can't help thinking about it from time to time. What do I do? Feeling so helpless!


                  • Just a thought: take away the feeling's power - ask him out, off your own bat. Not because your friend put ideas in anyone's head, but because you're curious yourself. It may not go off, but instead of letting this thing eat you up with inaction you'll be working it out. Also you'll know where he stands and be able to figure out where you want to stand going forward.
                    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                    • Hey Jen, sorry for the late reply. I thought it over (asking hin out), but couldnt work up the courage, partly because I had gone to great lengths to convince him that I dont feel that way about him (he knows the whole story now), and partly since I dont want to relive the hurt in case he rejects the idea.

                      I havent spoken to the girlfriend since the showdown----He insists that I forgive her but I dont want to.



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