[Casey Hay]

My boyfriend is 34, so upon beginning our relationship I knew it was very likely that he wouldn't have as high of a sex drive as men my age (21).

Our relationship is very healthy, and I am very happy. Except in the sex department. The frequency isn't the problem, I'm very pleased to say that we have sex at least five times a week, but the issue is with other things.

First, the way he talks about it disturbs me. It doesn't seem like it's that important to him. Whenever I jokingly say that I'm going to withhold sex he shrugs it off like it would mean nothing to him & mentions how I would be the one who would be "dying" without sex. He just doesn't seem as adamant, urgent, or passionate about me as I am about him. When I've brought it up, he simply says that sex just isn't that important and then assumes that I think of sex as being "the most important thing in our relationship" because I bring it up so much. The only reason I bring it up so much is because it's the only real issue in our relationship & since it is an issue, should be discussed. I don't think it's the most important aspect, but it is certainly a direct link to me feeling secure and loved. If I don't feel that he wants me sexually, then he sure as hell doesn't want me completely.

After many months of contemplating the issue, I realized that the issue lies in the past & also my insecurity with sex. I know that he has had sex with many women before me, as he is 34 and has "been around the block". I didn't think that this would bother me that much, but it has started to. His passionate days were before me, he slept around and had the time of his life. He "got it out of his system". So he obviously has no need for crazy, wild sex anymore. I'm the sweet little "virginal" girl he's going to settle down with. I'm not exciting. These are the types of insecure thoughts I feel when contemplating this. Plus, right before we dated, he was still living this lifestyle. In his many years of having sex, he has only had one other girlfriend besides me. I'm the first girl he's brought home to the family, and while that all makes me feel very loved, the fact that I'm not a "sexy hookup" that he had to pursue makes me feel like he's not having a good time...

Another thing I've noticed is how EXTREMELY uncomfortable I feel while watching sex scenes or even HEARING him talk about a woman's physicality. I NEVER experienced this with past boyfriends, but with my current, it sends me into a fit of rage that I have to keep to myself so that he doesn't see my immaturity. Watching a woman have sex on TV makes me so angry, I don't want him to see another woman naked, or doing such a private act. He has even said that he "can't wait for summer" because of all the short skirts & scandalous clothing women wear. I feel like he has been desensitized to sex entirely because of his lifestyle and today's sickening portrayal of women as sex objects in the media. Our sex life is therefore marred, because he has so many past women & images & lifestyles inhibiting this.

The bottom line is: how do I fix this jealousy? I don't think it's okay for me to get angry about this. Naked women happen, and it's not his fault that it pops up on screen or that women wear scandalous clothing during summer. He's a man, and he can look. I certainly "check out" attractive men, and I shouldn't be upset that he does the same for women. We're beautiful creatures. So what do I do? How do I cope with the anxiety attack that strikes me as soon as a sex scene comes on while he's in the room? When I'm by myself, I love watching it. Why do I feel so threatened by other women?

Please help.

[rcoreyus]

Just a few things. Men do not necessarily lose their sex drives as they age. At some point they may lose some physical stamina or have erectile difficulties, but many do not lose interest at all. Much older men can remain passionate.

When you do have sex do you both enjoy it? Is is passionate?

Has he said or done something to suggest that he finds you less "sexy" than his sex-only hookups, or is that something you think / worry he is thinking?

[jen1447]

Hi Casey.

I'd have to say I'm a little suspicious, based just on what you've said here. First of all it's normal that your drive would be higher than his ....his is probably beyond his peak (for most men anyway), but yours hasn't even gotten close to your peak, and you're on the upswing as opposed to declining. That pretty much means you can 'outsex' him, fwiw.

I kind of have the feeling he may be telling you a story (or two). It may be that he's a bit intimidated by your appetite, but he doesn't want to come off as unmanly so instead of just communicating his insecurities honestly, he tries to put the impetus on you (saying or implying that a woman's natural drive is somehow unnatural or shameful). Next thing - are you sure about all this past sexual prowess of his? In my experience, people who are for-real on that score don't usually talk about it so much, so if someone boasts about their conquests, I'm suspicious. Put it this way - I don't know a single guy (literally, not one) who isn't up for some "crazy, wild sex" if it's offered to him. Saying that those days are behind him is either admitting that he has some form of sexual dysfunction and doesn't want to admit it and/or has performance anxiety, or it's just a lie (for what reason remains to be seen apparently).

Whatever it is (a tactic or just accidental), it's having the expected negative effect on you because tapping into feelings of insecurity is actually really easy. It's up to you to shrug that off. You're a sexually healthy, normal woman who just wants sex as much as she wants it. No apologies or justification necessary. He's not supplying it and/or respecting it the way you'd like. That's the issue. It's about him, not you, so don't let those feelings of uncertainty creep in.

Hope this helps. It's at least an alternative perspective anyway.

[Stillness]

One of the things I love about this site is seeing that male sexuality is as much a mystery to women as female sexuality is to men. Or rather, each individual is mysterious regardless of gender.

I don't buy into the sexual peak explanations anymore - at least not the ones that generalize based on age and sex. Each person has a unique physiology, psychology, and circumstance that influence their sexual drive and desires. I'm in my late 30's and if there has been any change in my libido, I think it's an increase. The only reason I can't fully test it out is because my wife (same exact age) can't handle me. The only women who might wear me out is one of them with the persistent arousal. There's only so much time in the day.

The amount of times and how long a person has been having sex has nothing to do with it. You don't stop wanting pizza just because you've eaten it for years. If you stay around this site long enough you'll see some really horny dudes in decades-long marriages. My opinion is that your issue is in your heads, not your pants. What is more advanced is not his sexuality, but his experience and maturity. You're not going to be able to run power games on him by threatening to withhold sex like you might with a man your own age, for example. You're still getting comfortable in your own skin and he's looking over the horizon and seeing middle age. You're feeling a psychological imbalance, I think.

Imbalance is not necessarily a killer. In no relationship are both people on exactly the same page at all times. That's a good thing! It's why two is better than one, if the two are working together and not trying to run games and dominate one another. They can play off of each other's strengths and grow and learn together. You have to be comfortable with yourself and him and you have to trust, though. Do you trust him?

[effy2014]

Where to begin .....

First, as RC stated, passion is NOT age drivien. I am 20 years older than your BF but crave intimacy and passion as much now as I ever have (more so now that I am with the right woman). IMHO, the theoretical sexual peak (which some say is at 18 for men) is a physical stamina issue. Age should never decrease the passion and desire a man has for his SO.

That stated, I see two issues -- his indifference towards sex and your insecurity in the relationship. I agree with Jenn that this could be a controlling tactic used by your BF. He may be tapping into your insecurities to make you more jealous. Its one way a partner knows that he is loved. In my view, a pathetic one.

Your insecurity is not about sex . . . its about losing him. You believe (and much that has been written kn this site will confirm) that a man who is happy in the bedroom will be happy in the relationship. Since he is indifferent with you, I can understand your concern that any woman who turns his head might be able to give him the passion and take him away from you. It is a logical reaction.

However, if it is true that you are happy in every other facet of the relationship, then you have to start trusting his commitment to you and the relationship. The best way to work this out is to communcate about it with your BF. It would be great if he could give you confidence that you should feel secure in his true feelings.

[Pollon]

I'll offer yet another perspective with some BIG generalizations.

First of all, you're having sex 5 times a week. That's a very active sex-life. If he wasn't interested he couldn't keep up. What you've saying is that you are concerned about his attitude toward sex and seem to be equating his desire for sex with his desire for you.

That suggests that you might be equating too much of your value in your sexual desirability. Given the messages and media you've grown up with that's understandable. However, it's not necessarily healthy. If everything in the relationship is as good as you've said, then getting a more balanced perspective on sex and your worth in ALL areas would be a good idea.

The second, and related, part of this is that you're at different stages of life. A typical 21 year-old is relatively unsure of herself and her future. She's looking for some assurance and security about her path, purpose and value.

A typical 34 year-old has got more of a plan and a more developed sense of himself. Maybe some goals, a stable career, some money in the bank and maybe a home.

Assuming you are a typical (I have no idea) 21 year-old, to you this 34 year-old appears to be more experienced and have his stuff together. That leaves you feeling somewhat more insecure by comparison. If you are doubtful about what you have to offer him, you could be falling back on the thing you value so highly and have been successful with in the past--sex. And his apparent lack of enthusiasm just undermines your confidence and sense of worth even more.

I would encourage you to ask him why he chose you and all of your qualities he loves about you. If all he can say is you're hot and good in bed, then you've in trouble. If he can name a few things that suggest he values other things about you and shares your life plans, you've in good shape.

I hope that helps.

Now, on a different tact that might not be encouraging.

There are reasons that people chose partners in different stages of life. And there are reasons that a 34 year-old chooses to date a 21 year-old. Unfortunately, those reasons are very often not healthy. An insecure guy with secrets, problems and emotional issues is going to be seek out partners he can manipulate and control to serve his needs. And an insecure naive 21 year-old is the perfect candidate. The fact that she loves sex makes her all the better.

Do you really know anything about his past relationships?

Why do you think he chose you rather than someone in his stage of life? Or is he really just at a 21 year-old's emotional level?

If he's never had a real relationship, he may be choosing a women with similar relationship experience.

Is he a regular drug user?

[tjm0824]

How often do you threaten to withhold sex? Men HATE when women do that. He might just be hitting you with a dose of your own medicine. I do the exact same thing when sex is used as a tool for manipulation. And I'm also 35. After 30, a man's testosterone level starts to drop. It doesn't mean he isn't interested in it, but it does mean he can control his urges better. So if you threaten that he won't be getting sex for any reason, he may just be trying to get back at you by saying, "fine by me"! In our twenties we totally fall for that. In our thirties, not so much.