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I finally am in need of some advice...

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  • I finally am in need of some advice...

    First and foremost... I've missed so many of you!

    Secondly... This will be long... Life has been nothing short of crazy the last couple years.

    For those who don't know me, I was married to my "HS sweetheart" for 15 years, together for 18. This last August (2013), we separated. I moved out, life was rough as no other and just got unbearable to where I filed for divorce in October. My divorce was finalized about a month ago. Life with the ex is actually good. We get along like we have never done before and we are both happy. Our kids come first, we have 50/50 custody, only live about a mile from each other and things are good.

    So now on to my vent or need of advice or what have you.

    Obviously since I had been with my ex for so long, I'm a total dating newbie. Especially when it comes to a bf's ex. So here it goes.

    Three weeks after I moved out, I was walking my dog in the park and I came across a guy with his two kids. His kids wanted to pet my dog, so I let them pet her and we ended up talking in the park for a good couple of hours. It was nice, I had been in total hell with my separation and it was just nice to not talk to someone that didn't know me. Anyways, after talking for a while, come to find out, he had moved out of his house the week after me, so we were essentially going through the same stuff. We exchanged numbers and texted for a couple weeks after meeting at the park and then just stopped. No reason, other than life just sucked real bad then and I wasn't really interested in anything associated with a penis.

    So, I filed in October and fast forward to November. Out of the blue one day I get a text message from him. I was actually happy to hear from him. He is a great guy and we had some good convo's. Anyways, we went out a couple of times and just took everything really slow. My ex has met him, my boys adore him, life is good in all aspects except for one... His ex. He is legally separated but has yet to file for divorce because of complications. I do trust him implicitly and know he has no desire to reconcile. They completed their mandatory co-parenting counseling sessions and she was always on board with knowing their marriage was over. He was actually going to go through the divorce approx 7 years ago, she had an affair then a week after he found out, she came to him saying she was pregnant. After paternity tests were done and he knew it was his baby, he wasn't going to leave but knew the relationship was pretty much done for.

    So anyways... He had never really told her about me because of their situation and she had previously gotten fired from her job and I told him that he should wait until she got a job to file. He lives with me when he isn't working but he works 48 hours shifts, so when he doesn't have his kids (they live 2 hours from me). Anyways.... After having his kids at my place for a couple nights, he took them home and apparently she started questioning the kids :-( (they are 4 and 6). So he gets a text from her saying so apparently he had a "friend" with him. He said yes. That was it. I am fine with that, we are both pretty private people by nature and feel that she doesn't need to know more than she needs.

    Somehow, and neither of us are really sure how... She found my name and showed up on my LinkedIn profile. I showed it to him and he was kind of annoyed. The next day her sister was on my LinkedIn profile. A couple weeks later, I get an email saying that she started following my Pinterest boards. If anyone is familiar with Pinterest, when you get that email, it shows the persons profile pic. Well, the pic on her profile is of her and him. I forward it to him and he was ****ed. Especially since then she unfollowed me, so IMO, it was just to have that email and her profile pic show up in my email.

    A couple weeks later we both get an "anonymous" email sent to us together. I won't go into the details but it was just a bunch of cr****p basically. I'm not one to search people down on the internet. I have better things to do with my time these days but it is obvious that she is just trying to cause problems. Our relationship is solid, we talk about everything and I have no problems with that. The ex is obviously a PIA. Anyways, he responded to the email, I did as well. Then today, we get another email. I spent the entire weekend with him, with both of all our kids (4 total) and had a good time.

    When all this did start, I looked her up on FB and saw her whole profile was private, mine is too, I've got mine locked down. With all this other stuff lately, I looked at it again today and she has gone through and made some things totally public, like their wedding photo that she posted on their anniversary about 3 years ago, some pics of them on motorcycle rides last year. My only assumption (and his) is that she did this hoping that I would be checking her out and that it would cause issues between him and I. Both of us are pretty taken aback... He is saying she has never once brought up reconciling and she sure as heck wasn't all up about bragging about how great their relationship fictitiously was publicly on FB.

    My thoughts are, she was fine letting him go assuming he was not going to get involved with anybody soon, now that he has, she is going to get very ugly. Honestly neither of us was looking for this type of relationship but both now are happy and loving it and neither of us are really quite used to being completely happy like we are. This has been pretty effortless, in fact I fought it and pushed him away for a good couple months because it freaked me out a bit. And I'm also not used to the drama... I've met my ex's gf and think she is great. My ex, like I said, met my bf and has no problems with him. I guess it was too much to ask on the other side of the fence but I'm just shocked at the immaturity!

    Anyways... Not sure if I'm looking for advice or just needed to vent back in my old stomping grounds... Oh, I guess one question I have is should I totally block her on everything? I can block her on LinkedIn, Pinterest, FB... I am totally ready to do it because I don't want to be a part of it, but at the same time, I'm against it because then I feel like she will think she has gotten to me.

    This is probably all a bit confusing, so if there are questions.. Asks away!

  • If you block her, she'll just use her sister's log in ... and if you block the sister, she'll use a friend ... etc. I don't suggest you bother blocking her, but if you have privacy settings that allow her to see your social media posts, lock 'em down. I really think it's unfortunate how many popular sites are requesting that people use their real names these days - cyberstalking is real, easy, and a pain in the patoot.

    She sounds like the kid who doesn't want to play with her toy ... until somebody else wants it.

    As always, glad to see you back on, even if it is just to vent <3
    <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>


    • Yeah, I agree... I wasn't a fan of blocking her... The thing that drives me nuts is that I just barely joined FB and pretty much only use it for racing. I run a lot of team relays and that is how a lot of them are planned since we live all over the US. So I'm like geez, I just want do deal with that and not this! I think most is totally private, with the exception of a couple that were public due to others posting and needing more input. Anywho... All and all, in the end, I would love to be totally cordial with her but "J" doesn't think it will ever happen, says it's not her style. Oh well... I guess.

      And hopefully I'll be on more now that life has settled down. Plus boys soccer seasons are over, so I have reclaimed my evenings and weekends a bit.


      • I just read through your post and signed on to throw my two cents worth out there. Little nailed my thoughts

        [QUOTE]She sounds like the kid who doesn't want to play with her toy ... until somebody else wants it./QUOTE]

        This was my first thought. She didn't value her relationship too much or she wouldn't have had an affair. All couples have differences of opinions and sometimes grow apart, however, if she really wanted him and visa versa, I think they would have mutually agreed to counseling.

        I'd probably try to block her on all social media sites just so that her posts aren't front and center every time you want to catch up with friends/loved ones. Yeah, she may try to wiggle around privacy settings, but she'll have to work harder to be a nuisance. Jealousy can make a person do CRAZY things. She sounds like the type of person who would go to great lengths to wreck havoc between the two of you.

        Also, I'd not make further contact with her. By sending a return email, you are feeding the fire she's trying to create. Ignoring her will eat at her more than any response could. Furthermore, she may be trying to collect evidence to sweeten her case for the divorce. (Not sure if your state recognizes alienation of affection, but if so, she may try to seek further compensation. I doubt your friend saved any evidence of her transgressions from seven years ago, thus making him, and you, appear the villain.)

        Best Wishes,


        • I would let him (make him) deal with her. If she's going to interfere, it's his place to handle her, not yours in my opinion. He's the one who should set the boundaries.

          Keep in mind, you don't really know this man very well. 6 months isn't a long time and he has a long history with this woman. If my kid's daddy took my kids to a sleepover with someone I knew nothing about, my claws would come out too! She probably is interested to know who is spending time with her kids. Granted she isn't going about it very well, but neither is your bf.

          I'm older, and dating again after divorce so I know it's difficult. I'm always apprehensive of men or women with long separations...there's really never a legit, straight up good reason to prolong the process these days. Not that I've heard of anyway. Poo or get off the pot, in my mind. Obviously with children, its more complicated, but if he hasn't even filed, I'd be wondering some things. There's always the surface reason-what they tell themselves- then the real reason they won't talk about. That's my experience.

          Keep us posted. I guess I joined the forum around the time your hiatus began


          • IMO a mixture of those approaches is best - don't answer e-mails, but keep all your social media open. (If it's not open now, open it up.) What people like her want and respond to are challenges. Give her nothing directly via e-mail responses, and eventually she'll have little left to go on to fuel her anger/jealousy and it will starve. Likewise with social media - give her nothing to investigate. Your info's all there for everybody to see, not just her, so she won't have to do any 'special investigations' or go undercover and it will get boring fast reading about how you bought a new pair of jeans on Friday and walked your dog on Monday. Again, no fuel for anger/jealousy and it starves. (Be sensible about social media ....I'm not saying daily posts about your whereabouts and schedule, just act like you would normally and limit whatever posts you normally do to friends, but don't go totally dark.)

            Last thing is that IMO people overestimate risks. She may be a 'psycho biotch' but she's not likely a genuinely psychotic person. She can't really hurt you, she's shown what she's capable of with these efforts so far - sneaking around your social media? Big deal. A 10 year old can figure out how to do that.

            It sounds like you've got a good situation. Just live life well and the rest will sort itself out.
            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


            • Good to see you again, Lana! Welcome back, we've missed you

              I don't have much to add that is different from the other responses you've already received. It's really a pity that someone who has been on the brink of divorce for so long, would start making a stink now that her (soon to be?) ex is moving on.

              When does he plan to finally file for divorce? I understand there are complications that go along with it, but it's been several years now, she's making your lives complicated, he's basically living with you... it's time. What's his plan? IMO, until those papers are filed, this isn't going to get better - no matter what you or he try to do to stop the harassment.

              I wouldn't worry about blocking her from your social media, unless you're doing so just so you can no longer see HER profile(s).

              I also think it's time for some action on your boyfriend's part. Beyond just the divorce proceedings (which really DOES need to happen if you two are going to continue your relationship), he needs to set some ground rules with her. Perhaps she won't listen to him, but he has to make it known that what she's doing is unacceptable. Because it is.

              You have done nothing wrong here. You two deserve to be happy. And she needs to learn to act like an adult.


              • It is not a coincidence that this all started after his children were with you for a couple of days. Even if she could come to grips with her ex finding someone new, having HER children with HIS girlfriend will trip out any unstable woman. In my experience, it even trips out staple women that there is "potentially" a new mom on the scene. It brings out every insecurity -- is she nicer, will the kids like her better, will they want to spend more time with her than me etc. Given her history, I think the answer is yes (which will make her further react). I write this so you can keep perspective that she may not be totally psycho, just poorly reacting to one of her worst nightmares.

                There is not much to add to the suggestions given. I wouldn't run and hide and I wouldn't (at the moment) react to the bait. Be very positive about their Mom in front of the kids. Once he files and you can be more out in the open with the kids, the two of you will have to interact (i.e. you will want to go if there are sporting events, plays etc involving the kids). It may take a while, but things will eventually calm down.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"



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