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Help! boyfriend used to be a player and it bothers me!!

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  • Help! boyfriend used to be a player and it bothers me!!

    So I've been with my boyfriend for 1 1/2 and he is awesome but there is something that bothers me about him which sort of raises a flag in my head. The thing is he used to be a jerk, and for lack of better word a man-******************************************************************************** who was proud of it. It all came up when we were having a talk about trust, truth and knowing about each others pasts and lives in more detail. I asked him how many people he slept with after I told him my number and what my past relationships were like, I knew before that he had been around because he had told me early on and I had told him I have only been with a few people. Well what he said not only shocked me but repulsed me, he has slept with he say's a little over 100 girls!!! Generally being disgusted, upset and shocked I asked him why so many girls and he told me it's because he wanted to "live" and that until he was 19 he was very inexperienced and a virgin. He told me that after he lost his virginity to a FWB he didn't sleep with anyone else for almost 2 years because he says he was genuinely not very good with girls which shocked me (because he is very attractive) he says for the longest time he didn't believe in himself and was shy. Well fast forward he tells me he started to see women as worthless unless it came to pleasure, and that women were playthings to him, he has slept with over 50 escorts, and had +50 one night stands, he said his goal when he was 21 was to enjoy as many women as he could and he didn't care who he hurt doing so. He cheated on most of all his ex girlfriends and would get a girlfriend so he could have a steady supply of sex and then cheat on her before breaking up with her because he said he'd eventually feel bad about cheating.

    His justification for all the one night stands is that when he was in his fraternity in college for almost 2 years he claims he never understood how some of his brothers would have so many one night stands, he told me it ****ed him off how he could only make out with girls at parties but never managed to take him home. - I frankly don't see why this is something to care about but I guess men are like this? so he said once he learned what to say and how to get girls home he couldn't get enough.

    His justification for the cheating was that he'd rather cheat before he got cheated on and he felt entitled to more women. He said he didn't view it as bad because he never intended on staying with the women he cheated on for "too long". He also said once he graduated college he would cheat and see multiple women because it was easy and because women were "desperate" to settle down, so it was easy for a stable good looking guy like him to lead women on and to pick whoever he wanted, including "the girls who used to not want him".

    His justification for the prostitutes is that they don't have to sleep with there customer they are just paid for the "time" spent, and that all the ones he slept with enjoyed him because he was good looking and young which was better than older out of shape men. He also claims that a large majority of men will sleep, cheat and see prostitutes in their life and told me that most women are in denial when it comes to accepting that their fathers, brothers, boyfriends, husbands more than likely have seen a prostitute and cheated.


    Obviously! all of this is a lot for me to take in and it has really changed how I view him. I used to see him as so good and pure, but now I sort of see that side of him as corrupt and I now realize how big his ego was/may still be. Thoughts that run through my head are corrupt cheaters like John Edwards or god knows how many celebrities and it makes me angry and sad. Now with all of that said I do love him and he tells me he loves me and he felt compelled to tell me his dark past, he wanted to get it off his chest and says that he has changed and that he shows me love he never felt or showed anyone else before.

    He wants to take me out this weekend for a road trip and won't tell me where until we are in the car, so I'm excited for that, I just fear that if he gets bored at sometime he will cheat because that is what he intentionally did in the past.

    How should I handle this?

    Btw I am 27 and he is 32 and I can see a future with him

  • So his past is the past. There is nothing wrong with that, whether he slept with one woman or a thousand. The fact he opened up to you says he is serious with you. I also don't believe that just because you cheated before, you will do it again.

    However, the thing that is concerning is his reasoning for his behavior and whether he still harbors such misogynistic views about women. He can love you and be completely faithful to you, but still have those degrading views about women. We don't know him, so it is hard to tell you if he still has these views. Only you can answer that.
    Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

    Comment


    • Really weird ....I'm in favor of acknowledging that people can change and leaving the past in the past, and I'm encouraged by his coming out with all this, but like sp I'm concerned about what's in his heart. People don't often do a 180 like that about things at their core, so I'd be a bit skeptical there. Unfortunately too, it's also a hallmark of certain types of players to appear to have come to terms with negative things about themselves (including confessions and dark nights of the soul and all that) just to help advance the hookup agenda all along.

      Are there any other contenders in your life? This guy might end up being okay but there's no way around the fact that it's gonna be a harrowing ride. This is just the beginning of the doubt. That's not your fault, it's his. He shouldn't get a death sentence for being a douche in a prior life, but it's still his burden to bear no matter how you slice it.
      [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

      Comment


      • I've always believed that there has to be a path to redemption and none of these acts occurred with you. He was certainly a player, but certainly could be ready to settle down with his soulmate.

        You have the task to determine whether or not he can make the 180 degree turn. The only way to do that is to communicate honestly with him. Not once or twice, but over time. You have to tell him your fears and judge his responses over time.

        SP's comments are very astute. It's not the women, it's the attitude towards women. He clearly believed that women were out on this earth to be dominated and to pleasure men. He is certainly worth the benefit of the doubt, but do your due diligence. The fact that you've lasted 1 1/2 years is a good sign. Best of luck.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

        Comment


        • Thanks for the replies!

          No there are no other contenders and I don't want to be with anyone else. He has such a sweet side to him past his world views and work-life persona (he be a workaholic). I don't think he is a misogynist, he said he has always liked women and never had negative opinion of them it's just that he felt for the longest time that they were "playthings". He didn't actually say women were worthless he just told me that he used to only care about girls for sex and that nothing else crossed his mind (like their feelings). He even said once he'd like a daughter because sons are so "mean" and "uncaring"

          so yeah I don't think he hates women. but I do fear him cheating

          I guess I just need to suck it up and talk with him about this some more

          Comment


          • Originally posted by sunshine_doc3 View Post
            I don't think he is a misogynist, he said he has always liked women and never had negative opinion of them it's just that he felt for the longest time that they were "playthings".
            Thinking of women as "playthings" is a pretty negative view. He basically didn't see them as people but just objects for his pleasure. The fact that he doesn't think his views on woman were pretty bad would be a red flag for me. If he said something like "I was juvenile and didn't respect women in the past, but now I do" that is a sign he has changed. But if his attitude is "those women were just playthings but now I've met you, I don't think of you as a plaything" that means he hasn't changed. Whether you want to be with a sexist is your decision. He can be sexist and never cheat on you. People do change. I know plenty of people who lived wild lives during their younger days but then settled down quietly. Because they had their wilder days, they don't have an urge to do that again.
            Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

            Comment


            • Three things:

              1) The fact is, he lied to, used and hurt people for his own pleasure or to address his own problems. I would be very scared if he didn't feel and express genuine remorse about that. If he EVER feels justified in hurting someone who has done nothing to him other than fall for his lines, he lacks an essential element for successful relationships--empathy.

              Every relationship has difficult times. When you two inevitably come to that time, he will be able to justify (in his mind) hurting you. That may well include cheating.

              2) I would be concerned that he has replaced one addiction (sex) for another (work). This can be a sign of an underlying depression. In other words, he's self-medicating with sex/work to cover over his hidden depression/insecurities/worthlessness. That said, a genuine and honest relationship with you may well be the cure for that depression. But I'd suggest checking that out a little.

              3) World views are important. Someone whose world view is that people/women are only valuable when they provide direct benefit may be sweet to you so long as things are going well. However, he can turn vicious when he no longer feels you are meeting his needs.

              Do you know anything about his childhood, what his father was like, etc.?

              Comment


              • Originally posted by sunshine_doc3 View Post
                . I don't think he is a misogynist, he said he has always liked women and never had negative opinion of them it's just that he felt for the longest time that they were "playthings". He didn't actually say women were worthless he just told me that he used to only care about girls for sex and that nothing else crossed his mind (like their feelings).
                SP's posts are so spot on. You have practically defined a misogynist. A man who views women as playthings and valueless for anything else. As he used them for sex, their feelings as human beings "never crossed his mind."

                Whether he was or wasn't a misogynist isn't the point. The question you have posed is: Can a person change? Of course he can. Just go into this eyes wide open and try to evaluate him objectively as possible. Look for clues in how he treats you, your girlfriends and your your female relatives. Look at how he treats his Mom and any female siblings. Do your due diligence.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment

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