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3 Things i can't quite get over - jealousy, the ex and sex

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  • 3 Things i can't quite get over - jealousy, the ex and sex

    Hi, I want to make this as short as possible with the most accurate non biased info.

    I've been with my boyfriend for a year and half. We've had a lot of ups and downs. But through it all we've decided to work at it and stay together.

    In a nut shell i met him as he was looking for an exit from a relationship he wasn't happy in. He was to marry his sisters best friend. It was really messy. I told him not to leave her for me but because he was unhappy. But i think i clearly gave him the exit he was looking for. Any way we had 3 very blissful very intense months of love and then he left to serve in the army overseas. I waited for him. When he came back things were great for a month and then everything changed. He was distant and unemotional. I found out he had been contacting his ex again. It started as closure for them. Sorting out their mess but quickly turned to flirty texts and calls and meeting up for coffee. I knew something was wrong so i checked his phone and found all the evidence. When i asked him he lied to me, and since then i have had serious trust issues. I was incredibly hurt. But through it all we have stuck together and worked out our issues. I am by no means a saint. I punished him mercilessly for his mistakes. And in a way i ruined our relationship as much as he did.

    We're a lot better now, happy and in love....but in the back of my mind these fears never ever go away completely.

    My troubles are of late i have been incredibly jealous... of everything and everyone around him. It has died down a little because he is giving me enough attention to reassure me that everything is okay (And i realized i was over the top) but i still want to explode when he checks out a girl on the street, or adds another women to his facebook! or likes a girls status or picture.

    Secondly I'm obsessed with his ex fiancé. I check her facebook and instagram all the time. She leaves everything on public so I can see everything she posts. All her pictures, all her statuses. I know that she leaves it on public so if my boyfriend looks at her profile he will see everything. And that kills me. Because I know in my heart of hearts he looks. I even checked his facebook to see who he'd searched and she was one of them. She is beautiful, and fashionable, and tan and blonde and has a lot more money, friends and family then me. I know people only put their best self on social media but she is just so cool. It kills me. I find myself imitating her a lot. Her clothes, her looks. And I don’t know why I feel like this. My boyfriend left her because he wasn't happy, he didn't want that. But I can't help it. I am attractive, I know that. I get my fair share of attention but she is so glamorous. I can't compete... even though it’s not a competition. I feel myself get so low when I look at her pics. I've had to stop. But I still think about her all the time. It’s so wrong I know... If my boyfriend knew he’d be sickened.

    And lastly...we don't have regular sex. This really saddens me and i don't know how it got to this stage. We only see each other on weekends and maybe once in the week so i know its not from to much time spent together. I tried to talk to him about it but he said he didn't think there was a problem and he hadn't even noticed. When i pressed the issue he complained he couldn't do anything right and that made me feel guilty. We have sex 1 to 3 times a month. And i always initiate. We kiss and cuddle and snuggle a lot. It just never leads to anything else. I know there is no one else because he is so busy with work and when he's not at work he's with me... but I just don't understand what it could be?! I take care of myself and i try to look nice... i just don't get it.

    Please if anyone has helpful, positive advice. I really want to work on my relationship and make it better. I don't want to end it. We've already put so much time and effort into it and besides the sex things are really moving in the right direction.

  • I will comment on the sex issue first. We get this a lot and I suggest that you read some of those threads. Lack of sex is usually a result of issues in the relationship. It is not a reflection on your attractiveness. Based on your post, the two of you need to work on your relationship communication skills. You bring up the subject, he says there is nothing wrong. You bring it up again and then he gets defensive and makes you feel guilty to end the discussion. There is clearly something wrong -- young healthy military men do not wish to have sex only 3 times a month. You need to make it safe for him to share his feelings, which will not be easy. There are lots of relationship books you can read -- my favorite is Dr. Sue Johnson's Hold Me Tight.

    Jealousy and obsession are not aphrodisiacs. They kill relationships. On the other hand, confidence is extremely sexy. He may not KNOW about how jealous you are, but he can certainly sense it (if he is perceptive at all). I know it is difficult, but you need to chill, big time. Don't look at his ex's social media sites and compare the two of you. He is with you. He knows how unhappy he was with her. You have to let it go. This is something you need to work very hard to overcome. One thing you can do is to take your BF shopping with you and try to develop a "look" that he finds attractive and you can be confident in.

    You can overcome any issue if you learn to communicate!
    "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

    Comment


    • Thank you Effy, I posted this message on another website and the replies i got just made me feel worse.
      You are by far the most positive answer i was looking for. And what you say makes sense. I want to believe so bad that things are okay, when he says he's alright i don't question it but it obviously isn't.

      The military and war has really effected him. He doesn't talk about anything. And i talk about everything. I think it wears him thin. He'd be happy to put all the unhappy thoughts in a box to the side and never ever look at them again. But i can't do that. He knows he made me this way with his poor choices and lies but I have chosen to stay with him and i need to fix myself or nothing he does will ever be good enough.... i just don't know how to do that.

      I need to find ways to get him to talk.

      Comment


      • Has he been in combat? PTSD could change absolutely everything about your situation.
        [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

        Comment


        • Yeah he has seen action. He's been to three wars. He says he's okay... But he's had a few episodes where he has 'lost it'. Normally that's only straight after he comes back though.

          Do you think he's issues stem from conflict he's experienced in a war zone?

          Comment


          • I'm in no way qualified to say that, but I know PTSD is very serious. Has he been professionally evaluated? I think the military would provide that sort of treatment.
            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]

            Comment


            • He'd never do that. Not in a million years. That would involve taking the unhappy thoughts out of the box. They would help him if he asked for it but there is more chance of winning the lottery then him admiting he needs help for PTSD

              Comment


              • Maybe he will go to couples counseling . . . if you say it's for you. He might open up just a little bit and get used to talking.
                "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                Comment

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