[AlainaK]

Okay, so lately I've been struggling with some inner conflict about my ex.. It's been since January of this year since I left him. Here's a little background information as to why I broke up with him. We dated for about a year and half. Our relationship was very rocky at the beginning- He had commitment issues, was still hung up on his ex, and it took almost 6 months of exclusively dating for him to ask me to be his gf (it took me crying about it for him to ask me). Throughout our entire relationship there were a handful of occasions where I'd snoop (yes, I know, snooping is bad) and I'd find sexual/inappropriate conversations between him and his ex. (May I also mention his ex was pregnant with another man's child.) I'd had enough of it when I went through his FB messages and found where she was sending him articles about how to rejuvinate her vagina after she gives birth... YUCK! I exploded- I even messaged her bf and told him that she was talking about what her vagina would look like after she gave birth to his child (which my ex was furious at me about). I gave him an ultimatum. I told him "Me or Her", so he hesitantly deleted her from his fb and stopped talking to her..or so I thought. He'd began to lock his computer so I wouldn't have access to it. After he'd stopped talking to her, things calmed down and things were going really well. So I decided to move to the same city as him. We spent almost every day together. And with all that time spent together, I realized how unhappy I was with him. He was an all-around angry person. He was mean to strangers, waiters, anybody. It made me feel so uncomfortable. And he wasn't very nice to me about 50 % of the time. He would get on to me for the smallest of things. I always justified his actions by the possibility he had a complex or even PTSD that was created from being in the army for 5 years and enduring 3 separate deployments to Iraq. Around December of last year, I just started feeling very unhappy. I'd moved to this town for him, away from my identical twin and family. I put in about 90% of the effort in the relationship. I would always go over to his place and he never wanted to come to mine. It just felt like I did all the giving and he did all the taking. And on top of that I could never get over the whole ex gf thing. It was very hurtful and I felt I could never trust him. Our relationship wasn't very healthy.. So in January I decided to end it. I told him I was moving back in with my sister and getting a new job. He was devastated. It was startling to me that he confessed to wanting to propose to me when a couple weeks before he had gotten angry at me wanting a key to his place. It wasn't easy for me by any means. I tried to cut him off cold turkey. But I just couldn't. I still had this apartment that I was waiting to get out of. So of course I'd be tempted to stay with him. He would be so sweet and lure me in. Finally in Febuary, I had gotten another job and so I moved back home. He would still try to contact me, so in March I decided it was best for the both of us if I blocked him from calling/texting me and I removed him from my FB. I haven't spoken to him since.

So, here's my dilemma.. I've been dating my current bf since April. He is absolutely fabulous! He's nothing like my ex- He's sweet, kind, considerate, he treats me with respect. And we haven't gotten into an argument yet! This man may very well be the one I spend the rest of my life with and I really don't want anything to mess this up. But lately I've found myself thinking about my ex. I'll dream about him (and then the next day I'll check his facebook). I'll wake up in the middle of the night and think about him, our relationship, all the arguments we had and the drama surrounding his ex gf. It's truly disturbing me. It's even affecting my sex life- I compare my bf to my ex in every sexual act we do. UGH! I feel like I'm going insane!! My questions are, Is this normal to go through? Is this part of the "getting over someone" process? And if so, What can I do to get this guy off my mind??


THIS NEEDS TO STOP!

[jen1447]

Sounds normal-ish to me. I'll comment more later hon.

[jns]

It takes a while to get over an ex. Getting into another relationship too soon can be a problem. btw, I think it is good you broke it off with the ex. He sounded controlling.

[effy2014]

I will comment from a different perspective. You may still be in the "bad boy" phase of your young life. Your ex may have treated you poorly but there was a draw to him that kept you coming back, regardless how unhappy you were. Some people are drawn to the turmoil, to the image and, unfortunately, to the indifference about you. I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to figure out why women were attracted to men that treated them like crap.

You could be at the stage in life where you are not quite ready for a relationship with a nice guy. Are you finding it too easy? For your longer term good, you want to stay with your current BF but you clearly perceive that something is missing from the relationship. My advice is to work hard and identify what that something is and try to incorporate it in your new relationship. You certainly do not want him to treat you poorly, but you might incorporate or role play some of the bad boy in the bedroom or on a date.

[AlainaK]

I will comment from a different perspective. You may still be in the "bad boy" phase of your young life. Your ex may have treated you poorly but there was a draw to him that kept you coming back, regardless how unhappy you were. Some people are drawn to the turmoil, to the image and, unfortunately, to the indifference about you. I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to figure out why women were attracted to men that treated them like crap.

You could be at the stage in life where you are not quite ready for a relationship with a nice guy. Are you finding it too easy? For your longer term good, you want to stay with your current BF but you clearly perceive that something is missing from the relationship. My advice is to work hard and identify what that something is and try to incorporate it in your new relationship. You certainly do not want him to treat you poorly, but you might incorporate or role play some of the bad boy in the bedroom or on a date.

Thank you for the advice. Thinking about it that way, I have had a bit of a problem being attracted to men that aren't of the greatest quality when it comes to their personalities/characteristics. But obviously I don't want a "bad boy" anymore, or I wouldn't have left my ex in search of someone better. I haven't been thinking about him much since I posted this thread. Perhaps venting about it has helped me get some of him out of my system. When I read all the stuff I went through with him, it makes me feel that much better that I didn't stick around.

[AlainaK]

Please do jen1447, I would love some female perspective on this.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I don't think that you had closure that's all.

You went into a relationship that wasn't able to be one, he was still hung up on his ex. He seemed to like to be treated wrong, she got pregnant to another guy. Yet, he and her continued to talk irrespective. Same personalities, same traits perhaps.

You gave it your all, you moved away from your twin/family, you spent 90% of your time on him..

Somewhere along the line you'd forgotten about you

You saw what he was by being with him nearly 24/7 and didn't like any of it.

"If" you had truly loved him, you would have believed his proposal But, I think deep down inside, you know. He refused to give you keys 2 weeks before to his home, then when you go to walk, he claims that he was going to propose.

You need to realise that was a line. No one likes to lose. And they will come up with anything to make it "you're fault" or "feel sorry for me" just to win.

I think because he did that, you didn't get closure "then" you felt that maybe he was telling the truth.

What you need to see is it wasn't hun.

And, when you see that you can walk tall with your head held high in the knowing you were smart enough to realise you invested too much into a relationship that was never going to work as he had not moved on and more importantly he was not worth you.

Now smile and move on with your life with your dream man...

You now have your closure .

Also a lesson can be learnt, never give 90% to a relationship. It should always be 50/50 though us women tend to like to give that little bit more

[jen1447]

I agree with CW about the lack of closure, which I think is actually a lot more important than many people realize. Add in the twist that it sounds like your ex had some bad boy appeal, while your current BF is more of a good guy, and comparisons will just naturally happen. (We like the concept of danger, no way around it. We like safety too but it's not as immediately sexually stimulating as danger. Safety inspires us more in the nurturing side, which promotes better longterm relationship stability.)

Anyway he still has a hook in your psyche is all. But that will go away with time, always does, and when it does you see the person for what they really are, which is oftentimes not too flattering. You'll be glad you made the call you did.

btw, start a fight with your new BF just to rock the boat emotionally. Make it a sex fight where you have to get it on to make up. Might spark a bit of danger interest with him too.