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Regaining trust. And sex!

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  • Regaining trust. And sex!

    Ok I need some advice. It's kind of a long story but I'll try to hit all the important points. I've been living with my bf for 2 1/2 years. For the first 2 years things were perfect from my point of view. He was my dream man and soulmate. We travel frequently and 6 months ago we went to Mexico. My mom is single and loves to travel so I invited her to join for one week and then the second week would be for my bf and I alone. My mom is needy and a bit over bearing. It was to the point that I was sick about trying to please my mom and still have fun with my bf. I couldn't wait for that second week when we could actually have an intimate relaxing vacation. We brought my bf's cell phone for the trip to both use. I found photos of women in their bikinis that my bf had sneakily taken that were clearly inappropriate. He said he was too scared to look at porn in a foreign country so he did the next best thing he could think of while I was unavailable to him.

    Fast forward to today. I decided to trust my instincts and work through this with him. He was embarrassed and took it upon himself to book counselling and read books to help rebuild trust. I felt it was really a growing moment for him which he owned up to. The problem is I am not the same person I once was. I feel insecure and more emotional than ever. We've seen counsellors and I know he wants to help me through this. I just don't know where the line is. As in when am I standing up for what I need and when am I being unrealistic with my new set of expectations for him. He is very sensitive and when I demand more of him he crumbles instead of rising to it. An example of my expectations are doing things to conserve my energy. The forgiveness process has been incredibly draining and I feel that perhaps it's time I put myself first again. But he works so hard and doesn't physically seem to have the energy to step up. As in cook, do the dishes, and find time for romance in moments when emotions etc. seem to be getting the best of me. Is it fair to expect that he rise up? Or should I back off because he works so hard?

    And along those lines is the sex. Or lack of it. I feel completely undesirable because of this event. He feels like he is walking on eggshells and fears initiating anything because of my insecurities. I've told him point blank that he needs to make me feel wanted again but to not assume every advance will lead to sex. Baby steps to getting back to where we were. But 6 months later and still no sex life. I dont feel it is my responsibility to fix that. But I'm dying here! The lack of intimacy is killing me. I mean he couldn't last a few days without it and yet here I am waiting months for him to step up and put in some effort. I know he watches porn which is fine with me. But if he has the desire and I have the desire and he hasn't initiated with me at all I feel more rejected then ever!


  • Well your right Bubbles your boy taking pics of girls in bikini was inappropriate no doubt there. But you have crucify for doing so it's not like they was naked and he was having sex with them now then you would have serous issue.You say you OK if he's watching porn but not taking pics of girls in bikini's on the beach.I am having a hard time rapping my head around that issue. But like he's saying he feels he is walking on egg shells with you now. So you both are not having sex with each other.I say you both go to counseling together and discuss this whole issue with the therapist. You need to get all over all this and give your boy friend the benefit of the doubt and start this relationship all over again.I feel you want your boy friend to make the first move towards the sex.But have you thought to start it your self he has feeling and other emotional feeling as well. Not just you so the street go's both ways I say work on it out together I wish you good luck.
    When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


    • I've told him point blank that he needs to make me feel wanted again but to not assume every advance will lead to sex. Baby steps to getting back to where we were. But 6 months later and still no sex life. I dont feel it is my responsibility to fix that. But I'm dying here! The lack of intimacy is killing me.
      Ok, so you mention porn to start with and that he chose to have girls in bikinis as he was in a foreign country so you accept that he watches porn? It appears that way but you didn't like the bikinis or is it that he finally told you he watches porn but swapped as he was going to a foreign country, I'm a tad confused on that note.

      I don't know how you can tell a guy you need to feel wanted but in doing so, don't expect "every time" it to lead to sex, it makes it extremely hard for him to work out what he is meant to do, not do, should he approach you for sex, not approach you, how is he meant to read you? And then you state that you don't feel it's your responsibility to fix that there is no sex.

      Do you actually see the position you have put him in? He can't, he is not sure when he can, when he can't and so he doesn't.

      I'd like to know about the porn if you don't mind before I answer further.



      • I am usually quite sensitive to the woman's point of view, especially when trust has been breached, but in this instance I think that your insecurities are causing most of the problem.

        While the pics of the bikini clad woman was tacky, I can't see how it amounted to a breach of trust. He wasn't trying to hide anything. He did not chat with any of them. Until you blew it out of proportion, it does not appear that the pics were ever to intended as a replacement for sex with you.

        I admire your BF because he proactively booked counseling sessions. He seems to be taking all of the right steps. Are you going to therapy to deal with your insecurities? If I read your post correctly, because you are so exhausted dealing with the pics of bikini clad woman, you are asking him to work, cook and clean? What exactly are your responsibilities around the house if he is doing all of that work. I don't blame him that he is crumbling or grumbling.

        As for sex, you are creating the conditions for failure. Be clear about what steps he has to take for you to feel wanted again. If he takes those steps, then he should be confident that once he initiates, sex will follow. Otherwise, it's a crapshoot, and I'm not sure I would play this game with my SO.

        The best way for you to save this relationship is to own and deal with your insecurities. He seems like too good a guy to loose.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


        • Hmm, only issue I have with the good guy notion is these creeper photos - that's actually against the law in some circumstances, altho I suppose a public beach would not be one of them. Still creeper behavior to go around taking 'secret' photos of women tho. Maybe not as bad as putting a camera in the ladies room but in the same general category. Women generally don't like being made the subject of private porno collections, and wearing a bikini on a public beach shouldn't really mean you wave all your rights to privacy and can be featured in private porno features for some guy's personal gratification (at least in a common decency sense).
          [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


          • ^^ creepy certainly, but nowhere similar to a camera in the bathroom. No expectation of privacy on a public beach, there was no nudity involved and he is not using the likenesses for commercial purposes. Nothing indicates he stalked any person . . . probably snapped as women passed by. People take pics on the beach all of the time.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


            • Creeper pic is creepy effy, sorry. Not the kind of guy I want to vouch for. Also very similar to ladies room pics in terms of being 'covert.'
              [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


              • ^^ I completely agree.
                If I wear a bikini to the beach and some guy checks me out, that's fine. It's another thing if he snaps a secret picture to masturbate to later, that's disgusting.

                I probably don't have to greatest advice but I will try. You seem to know that you have a problem and you do, and you need to keep working to fix it. He should pitch in around the house, you're not his mother. But it also shouldn't be his responsibility to initiate romance. He knows there is a strong possibility that you will reject him, so why would he keep trying? You should try too, and hopefully you can find the middle ground that makes you both happy.
                Snapping creepler photos is gross, but it doesn't seem to be breaking you trust... it was good that you addressed it, but I don't think that it should be a strike against him. You are ok with porn, and the swimsuit photos were a "substitute" so I don't think it needs to be as big of a deal as you are making it. I do feel bad for the girls... that feels pretty violating.


                • I did not vouch for the BF's lack of creepiness, just for two other traits: he seems genuinely interested in working on the relationship and the pics were not a breach of trust.

                  We will agree to disagree on the pics. I don't see the creepiness difference between some goober remembering what you look like and masterbating to it or having a pic taken at a public place. I will be willing to bet that there are plenty of innocent pics on the internet posted on Facebook, Instagram and the like that end up in some guys private stash of fantasy relationship porn. I am sure that the women would say that their pictures were misused and somehow they were violated. What's the difference? You didn't see him, don't know him and won't ever see him again.
                  "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


                  • Fair enough effy, I'll leave you with the last word.
                    [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


                    • Thanks for all your replies. It has shown which parts I need to provide more detail for.

                      The creep shots. Not ok. Not by any means. Effy women who post photos of themselves on the internet had a choice to do so even though there are risks. These women at the beach had no choice in this matter. This is not illegal but absolutely a violation of these women. I would be far more ok if he's asked their permission to snap the photos. A girl should be able to nap on the beach in her bikini without a man taking her photo and having the power to do with it what he wants when she has no choice. Thankfully when explaining this to my bf he admitted it was unacceptable behaviour and said he never thought of it from the girls perspectives. Only his which he thought would remain a secret forever so no harm done. His understanding this is why I was able to move forward together.

                      The breach of trust. This is where I need to provide more detail. I found the photos and he was humiliated. So when I asked for explanation he said he'd only done it once when he was particularly upset with me but then he realized he was wrong so he thought he had deleted the photos. That was a lie and I caught him in it. He had done this over the course of several days of our vacation and he never made any attempt to delete them. He was finally able to admit this to me when I had proof and he realized he had no choice. There is the breach of trust.

                      As for my insecurities. Yup it is one of the major factors in this situation. But I am human and a woman at that. We are naturally insecure and I am no exception. I struggled with an eating disorder my whole teenage life. Now in my late 20's I'm finally happy and healthy in my own skin. Seeing those photos of women who look nothing like me (skinnier) flooded back my insecurities instantly. My bf was fully aware of my past. I now question if he is attracted to me at all. I do need reassurance from him. Which means taking steps to show me that he is attracted to me. And I haven't left him in the dark on what that means. I've given him pointers and suggestions on things I think will help. But 6 months later he still has not tried. When I ask him he says he will he just hasn't gotten around to it. This is feeding my insecurities. A simple solution would be for me to initiate as many of you have suggested. However I lack the confidence to do that. The fear of rejection grips me if I even think about it.

                      My energy levels. Since this happened my stress levels have gone up and my health has suffered. I have panic attacks and regular anxiety. It started off really bad and thankfully has slowed to very rare. But it still happens. It is those days that I wish he would step up around the house and just take care of things. As of now that is about once every 3 weeks. I don't expect him to take care of everything. In fact on a regular basis we work on things together from cooking to cleaning which I know is a great situation and nothing to complain about. But there are days I really do need his support.

                      But my takeaway from what you have all said so far. Perhaps if I meet him in the middle on even just some of the stuff he seems to be falling short on it might get the ball rolling on some other stuff and some of his confidence back. He has done a lot so far and I can't over look that. I'm not sure what that means yet but I will think on it and try something for sure!


                      • Originally posted by Bubbles403 View Post
                        ...For the first 2 years things were perfect from my point of view. He was my dream man and soulmate.
                        This kind of sentence always catches my attention. No one and no relationship is perfect. No two people are "perfectly" compatible. If someone someone believes their partner and relationship are "perfect", he/she living in a fantasy house of cards that will, eventually, come crashing down as it's done here.

                        Someone with big insecurities cannot keep them hidden. And, to avoid a fight, hurt feelings, etc, the partner will adjust his behavior, lie and/or keep his opinions to himself. In other words, he will contort himself into the "perfect" partner and allow the image of the "perfect" relationship to grow.

                        Now this "perfect" partner shares responsibility for the situation as well. His own insecurities keep him from "rocking the boat" with honestly when he really should.

                        I hope you are both attending counseling so that you can both be more honest and open without your insecurities keeping you apart.

                        Once you get there, the trust and intimacy will get better.

                        Good luck



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