[HaruMeow]

Hi, I've been wondering about this for a while now... I am in a serious relationship for 5+ years with a man a lot older than me. Although we're in a long distance relationship (i'm studying abroad) we chat everyday and plan to get married as soon as I finish Uni. He's working as a teacher and we're both working together on a game project as well.

However, the past few years, I bought him presents, such as his favourite games and always volunteered to buy him things he needs (eg. Computer programs). But i think it has become a habit and now he always asks me to pay for him. As I've mentioned, I am a frigging college student, have no job and living on my parents' support. But I wanted him to be happy so I just kept silent.

BUT, a few months ago, I went back and we had a few dates. He did pay for movie tickets and we had a great time. I gave him his favourite books, presents for his parents and even matching rings. He mentioned before that he would give me a ring during my visit so I was expecting it. But all he got me was an old game card that he had... I was quite disappointed, since those dates were our rare chances to meet in 5 years. I just kept silent since i thought he might simply be struggling with money.

After i went back, i found out that he bought a game console instead. I was very sad, since he'd rather buy a console for himself than a present for me. And recently, he nagged me to pay for more game programs and also mentioned that we won't be having a honeymoon after getting married (he said he'd rather buy a few consoles to play together).

I'm not the kind of girl who wants flowers and chocolates every week, but don't you think this is too much? I'm not dating him for money and presents, but so far, I have nothing other than an old game card from him...

As a girl, i do want to feel adored. It makes me so sad whenever my friends show off their bracelets or rings that their boyfriends got them. What should I do? I really love him and don't want to break up.

[Baboy]

Does this guy have a job?

My guess is if he is sponging off you now, it won't improve after marriage. It also sounds like gaming plays too great a role in his life. Playing games over a honeymoon? Does not bode well.

[HaruMeow]

Thanks for the reply.
He is currently working as a teacher and he seems to be financially stable.
But yes, i do agree that he is a hardcore gamer

[Baboy]

I now recall your initial post saying he's a teacher. So that suggests a reasonable income. You, on the other hand, are a student.

Have you two ever talked about finances? Has he said anything about why he sees it that you should pay his way more than he pays yours?

Money can become a very big issue in relationships. I would be hesitant to marry in your situation without clearing the air first, about expectations, etc. If you marry and both of you work, will bills be shared? On what basis? Does he now rent or own a home? Will you get another together? At what cost and how will it be paid?

There are a lot of questions to be asked. The above are just a few. Do you plan to have children? If so, will you take time away from work? Will be be willing and able to shoulder the bills alone in that case? Will you resent money spent on gaming when the baby needs diapers? Will you want to save for a house, while he has other ideas?

Lots to think about.

[Baboy]

I just read on another thread that you are only 18. That makes things even more concerning. An older (we don't know by how much) employed man being subsidized by you.

At what age do you expect to finish your studies and marry? You are still very young. At a minimum, I would not be quick to marry once the LDR ends. I would give it some time to see if your bf can be a good husband. Right now, some signs are worrying.

[HaruMeow]

Thanks for replying.
I plan to get married when i graduate (when i'm 21-22). We have discussed marriage a lot and don't plan to have any kids, so that's a big relief. He wants me to come live with him with his family. They do own a house.
And we do talk about finance. He says he wants to finish the game project we are working on, so that we earn quite a lot to keep both of us happy. We plan to work full-time making games to support ourselves when we're married.

For now, he seems to expecting a lot from our game's sales and keeps mentioning the things he wants to buy when he gets the money.

[Baboy]

Well, it's good that you have a few years still before being committed to marriage.

Living with his family might be okay for awhile, but those kinds of living arrangements can be stressful.

As for game sales, I hope your plans are realistic. I suspect that's something that many try, but only a very few make much profit. I wish you success.

[midnightwishes]

Yeah, if he's now constantly asking you to pay for him...I don't even know what to say. How dare he. You're only a student, and he has a paying job. He should be paying for you, and not expecting you to buy him expensive programs. Though, if you pay for something every once in a while because you want to and not because he asks you to, that's fine. He wants game consoles over and honeymoon? That's inexcusable. Just, no. I understand that he's a gamer, but still. I'm a huge Harry Potter fan, but I would never choose a few expensive Harry Potter items over having a honeymoon. I'd save up for those separately. Things are not likely to get better after the marriage, hun.

I'm with you on not needing flowers and chocolates every week. Getting presents every once in a while is nice though. You've bought him stuff, yet all you have is an old game card. I don't think you should keep silent anymore.

[jen1447]

He sounds like a little boy frankly. Actually the biggest indicator of that in my mind is that he "keeps mentioning the things he wants to buy when he gets the money." Adults don't look at money matters that way. There's a whole ....big picture to be considered.

Anyway hon, a little boy can't take care of you or even hold up his end. Even if he starts growing up right now, it's bound to take a while. I have a feeling you'll end up being his mother, and believe me, you don't want that.

[jns]

Lets back this up a bit. 5+ years of a relationship and you being 18 means it started when you were 12 or 13 (but you are still a virgin). He is a lot older and already has a job as a teacher.

I think he is taking advantage of you. He got you locked in his orbit a long time ago and is now taking advantage of it. He should be the one paying for things for you instead of you paying for things for him (I understand he bought the movie tickets, but that was minimal). At the least, it should even. Unless he starts showing more respect for you, I think you should rethink the relationship and consider ending it. It sounds like he has a lot more maturing to do than you do.