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Anxious about what i saw

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  • Anxious about what i saw

    Let me give you some back ground first:
    I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We recently just starting living with each other. I have two children, 7 and 5. I am 26 and he is 27. In the beginning of our relationship we had a couple issues with girls. He never physically cheated or saw another person but had talked to a girl behind my back ( right before we became official ). He looks up girls on facebook and casual encounters on cragislist (has never responded to any ads or made him himself and we have looked at them together). We have had an issue with him jerking off more than having sex with me. It wouldnt matter to me how much he jerks off but it can not effect our sex life and it did. it got to the point where it was only once every two weeks if i initiated itand lucky. He had broken up with me a couple times because he felt uneasy about my children. The children part has became significantly better.
    Fast-foward to the now:
    I am on his computer yesterday. Yes i snooped in his history. Yes he knows i have done this a couple of times and is not bothered by it (at least doesnt say). Yes i understand this is not something i should do. While i am on his computer i see that he has searched 'i miss partying' and how easy/what its like to hook up with people from craigslist. i also saw 'relatoinship's are for the weak' 'relationships are stupid' 'love is stupid'. All of this hurt me very very much. When we have looked at craigslist together in the past we would look at the girls and see some of it as a joke. I have asked him in the past why he does it and he says he does it because it is funny and he looks at the guys ads too. (in this history search however i only saw girls). All of those searches were in the same month that we started staying with each other. I do not know what to do. He comes home to me every night and on weekends he spends most the time with me. I think he would not do anything but i do not know if i am just being blind. Last night we talked about our relationship, i did not tell him waht i saw. He told me he likes having someone to talk to. He likes being with me. Things of that nature. He also quit jerking off so much and we do have sex about twice a week which is fine for me. Should I bring up what i saw? I do not want to look crazy. I do not know if I am overreacting. Please dont crucify me for looking at his history! I know that is wrong on my part. I am just so anxious about being blindsided that I do things like that. It is something i am trying to overcome.
    Last edited by honeybee888; 08-05-2014, 06:36 AM.

  • I think all you can do is to have a frank discussion about all of this with him & trust your instincts. It could very well be that he uses the ads on craigs list for their entertaining, comedic value, but I think the more likely scenario is that he is curious about what's there & finds it titillating.


    • should i tell him i looked at his history?


      • Why not? You said he knows you have in the past anyway, right?


        • If he is doing these searches on a regular basis, an over an extended period, I would wonder what's going on. As said by atskitty, some look at craigslist ads etc. for their entertainment/comedic value. I have done that. For perhaps a total of one hour in one year. If that were his pattern, I'd say don't be concerned. But it sounds like he's spending quite a bit of time in these pursuits.

          It is plain there are already some significant trust issues in the relationship, hence the history search. It appears he may carrying on something of a secret life and I do not see your following your nose and doing the computer history search as something for which you should be crucified.

          Some will perhaps crucify me for saying this, but right now I would say in for a penny, in for a pound. Do not rush to tell him what you did or saw. Go stealth. Follow his tracks for awhile, in order to ascertain how much time he is devoting to what websites and what he is doing there. Maybe it's just an idle diversion, maybe not. If you confront him now, he might just brush it off as a momentary lapse and then resolve to himself to be much more discreet and secretive going forward.

          In the meantime, do not act like you are biding time, waiting for the trap to be sprung. Communicate with him. Encourage communication from him. Work on the relationship. You mention the children, albeit with some improvement. If there are some issues that are festering, address them. You may find that with improved communication and efforts to make the relationship stronger, his forays into cyberspace will become a thing of the past.
          I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.


          • Baboy's approach is legit I think, but it's just not the one I'd take. Seems to me you've already got all these warning bells going off, so that's not going away. If you don't mind living life like that and being the constant detective, have at it. Otherwise there's plenty other fish in the sea.
            [FONT=Trebuchet MS][COLOR="#800080"][B][SIZE=4]Woman trapped inside a woman's body![/SIZE][/COLOR][/B][/FONT]


            • I do not feel like I am being a detective tho. I do not look through his stuff. I do not go through his phone, ask to see his facebook messages or anything like that. I yes did go to his computer history but have not done that in quite a long time. I guess what I feel like is is it wrong to look at craigslist as much as he does. When I talk to him about these issues he is calm and open to talk to me about it so if it was secret would he still be that way? When is too much too much? I guess that is a personal measure tho of how much one is willing to put up with.


              • It is, and part of where your gut kicks in. If it's not a comfortable thing for you, then it needs to be addressed. Too much is too much when it's more than you're ok with.



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