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Ex-wife and boyfriend relationship..weird but acceptable.I think.

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  • Ex-wife and boyfriend relationship..weird but acceptable.I think.

    Ok, so let's see where do I begin. My new boyfriend of 13 months was married for almost 8yrs. He and the ex wife are very good friends now. They've been knowing each other over 10+yrs. Him and his wife had adopted a girl (while going through the divorce-tbh, my belief of her keeping a hold on him by whining to continue with the adoption cause he didn't want to). Anyway, they divorced because she cheated (which she denies), but she cheated on him with another woman that she has been in a relationship since their separation/divorce. They (wife and new spouse) got married last fall. Since my relationship with him, I've noticed that he still caters to her almost every need (about the child). The ex wife whines and he gives in to her cause he don't want to hear her fussing/complaining. I had made a fuss one night that she text at 10pm talking about she won his high score in some game she's playing on fb. I got angry cause I just thought that was not important and not about the child. I confronted her about it and she didn't think it was a problem and actually neither did he and that I was making a big deal about it. But there was one time, she called him at 1am in the morning to inform him of a party that his daughter was invited to on her weekend to have her and she didn't want to go cause it was his side of the fam. He did cut her off and ended the convo, but when she found out he was over my home, she was very apologetic. But when I fussed about the 10 pm text, i know she made a statement like-she don't want to hear anything about me fussing about her texting him. REALLY!? So, my thing is that she still has pull and he gives it to her...even though she has a new WIFE but because they have a child together, it makes it easy for her to call him whenever she feels like it. I love him very much and I'm not trying to let her get the best of me and win this war. The crazy thing is-I'm invited to the ex home for all family functions. Her fam loves me. I don't want to end this cause of the ex "little control issues." If she "wins", then no one will ever be in his life and will he be content with the set up of:him, the ex and the ex new spouse. they all get along now..one big happy family.

    (He has slacked up a lot on giving in to her every whine..just a little). I'm thinking maybe it will ease up more with years on our relationship since it's still fresh.

  • The one thing you are going to have to come to terms with is -- it's not just you and him - it's always going to be you, him, ex and child. There will be very few times when you'll win over the child, you may win over more than the ex in the future but I doubt it will be enough to keep you from being annoyed at any given point in time.

    It is not a matter of who "wins" and who loses. It is about the boundaries that will be set by your SO and his ex and their child. It matters not that he didn't want to adopt, because in the end he did and he obviously feels responsible for the child.

    I think for now all you can do is tell him what your expect of your relationship - let him tell you what he expects of your relationship and what he is willing to do to make things smooth. After that conversation it will all be up to him. You cannot set boundaries for him, he has to do that himself. This isn't a war and if you make it all about the battles, you'll probably lose.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • Your "battle" is with your SO. It is his job to set appropriate and acceptable boundaries with his ex. Things like no calls after 9pm unless it's an emergency and a reasonable budget for child-support, etc.

      If you SO doesn't have the spine to do this, you're not going to make things better by going to battle for him. For the time being, you are the "outsider" in this family. Only he can bring you in. If he can't do that, you are in for a rough ride.


      • If you think of this as a competition between you and her, you will be driving a wedge between you and your BF. Having been in this situation (as the male), let me give you the other perspective. Unless you suspect him of infidelity with her (and there is nothing to indicate this in your post), there is no war. You have him and his ex has someone else. Heck, you are as involved as any spouse with his ex's family. Without sounding harsh -- and I have asked this of my SO -- what makes you insecure that (in your view) he caters to her? If there is no insecurity, why do you care? What "pull on him" do you care about?

        They have a child. He wants to be a good father. My supposition is that he also hates conflict. It is far easier to deal with a situation when it happens rather than fight with his ex about later. Going through a divorce is a horrible process and, frankly, it wears you out. Being friendly with her takes less energy, there is no possibility of retaliation or speaking badly about him in front of the child and it makes his life go smoothly. He is not a whimp. You don't need to "stick up" for him. When things bother him, he will react. If she becomes too intrusive on your life (more than just the thought of her), then he needs to set boundaries.

        Consider that there are control issues on both sides of this triangle -- her's and yours. It sounds to me like you are marking your territory more than that she is a bother in or threat to your life with BF. My advice is for the two of you to resolve your insecurities and let him deal with his ex wife without your attempting to control his communications.
        "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


        • Wow! Thank you so much for your honest responses and to help me better understand and accept how I am. Effy2014, you are correct to say I have some insecurities. I don't know why because as you're correct in saying she has her marital partner and I have him. They are like two best friends. Tbh, I still feel that she knows she has "control" as you will over him and that he will do any and everything for her. I may be wrong. But, you have described him to a "T" effy2014 and he has said the exact same thing-to keep the argument and confusion down. Like I said, they will talk every single day and sometimes it's not about the child..its about jibberish stuff. But we all have talked about this and her spouse says, it's what I'm willing to deal with. My bf needs to respect my wishes and set boundaries if need be. I need to talk to him and not the ex...cause she could care less about boundaries, she just wants to reach out to her friend and her child's father about ANYTHING-ex-something funny that happened in her extended family, a show, a game she is playing. Each and every day it becomes more bearable cause I love him that much and his little girl and I get along great (she's a cuddler..lol). I know our relationship is still fresh, so I can't expect to much to happen for me at this point.


          • ^^ I agree that your BF needs to set reasonable boundaries -- I have as well with my SO. But you need to make sure that your boundaries are reasonable for your relationship and not just to exercise control over him. Fresh or not, because they have a child, you are stuck with her for the duration.
            "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


            • What is considered reasonable boundaries?? Give me some examples. Thanks.
              I'm going to give you some examples of what I think bothered me-calls after a certain time but he did say, he pays the bills and he will answer his phone..when anyone calls (I guess to him that seem like I was being a controller), texting at the table while eating dinner-He did stop that., that's pretty much it.

              oh and it something i did notice she has done in the past-every time I post a pic of us somewhere having a romantic good time, she would text him or call and say, "your daughter needs this or your daughter wants to talk to you." LOL.


              • A reasonable boundary could concluding that you need not know the details of each of their interactions, whether by phone or in person. A reasonable boundary could be that he does not discuss your relationship with him with her or her family. There has to be some privacy in your lives on both sides. A reasonable boundary could be that visitation details are clearly understood as well as child support. I think it's reasonable to ask him to somewhat limit his interactions with his ex in regards to social situations. You and he have to hash out the what and how much end of things. It's all very individual and up to the three of you to figure it out prior to it becoming a big confrontation. (Oops make that 4 of you because she has a SO as well).

                If it were me, no matter how much I liked her family I probably wouldn't be attending family functions. I'd feel 1) like an intruder and 2) like someone that was probably being tolerated not completed accepted.

                Have a serious talk with him. Find out his thoughts, let us know and then perhaps we can provide some additional insight.
                That which we forget may as well never really happened.


                • I'm engaged, both of us were married before, actually still are, just going through the motions some 5+ years later.

                  My fiancé has a daughter, she was 11 at the time. Broke my fiancé's heart not being in her life, 24/7 (his daughter).

                  At first the ex would give me daggers, say I was his bit of fluff. She'd be invited to events as well. After a few months, we attended his daughter's softball match and his ex naturally was there. I spoke with her, poked her in the stomach and her words were " you're not so scary after all"... From that day on-wards we were on mutual territory. I never had a fear of him going back with her, nor their communication. Yesterday in conversation he mentioned Divorce, her comment was "why do you want to get married" and she laughed.

                  We actually invited her to our 50th and she came.

                  They were together for 11 years, had a child together. You can't "not" be best mates if you were best mates throughout that time. If both realised as in our case, that they were no longer in love, both were / are able to move on with their lives.

                  Your boyfriend's ex has done exactly that and your boyfriend is trying to do exactly that so there should be no fear there what so ever about her.

                  I do agree 1am is in-appropriate as really is 10pm. Perhaps what your boyfriend may be able to state is calling at that time of the night or morning scares me that there is something wrong with our daughter. Can we limit any calls to 9pm. It makes sense and there is no confrontation involved, or upsets.

                  There naturally can still be a bond with someone that you loved for so long but love comes in many shapes and forms. Theirs is one of friendship and off course if he wasn't sure about continuing with the adoption, more than likely she wants to ensure that he is a part of his daughters life and I think that is great.

                  I think that apart from perhaps my suggestion of times to call, the rest is normal and you should concentrate on a fun and exciting new relationship that makes both of you want to be together, want to come home to each other. That is what holds a relationship, not one that constantly shows distain for a past relationship as it will cause the end of this relationship eventually.

                  Feel secure and be happy.
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!


                  • Good Morning All,

                    I may need counseling or I still believe she's stepping her boundaries a little bit. Ok, so when they were married she tried to get him to work at her job (government) and he declined cause he didn't want to work with her/be that close. So, now she has informed him that there are openings at her job again. I'm all for that because it will help him and daughter. But I believe the kicker was when she asked him if they could car pool together..ughh..NO. She's already in the location and he's coming far. She's not to far from the job and it would be him that really need to save on the gas. He said no cause it didn't make any sense. Am I wrong for feeling this way? One of my friends that's pretty open about a lot of things said that's pushing it. So, I need to hear additional feedback. I already know there going to be having lunch dates..so that's a given.



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