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Constant fighting and disagreeing with boyfriend! Is it me and what do I do?

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  • Constant fighting and disagreeing with boyfriend! Is it me and what do I do?

    Hello,

    My boyfriend & I have been together for 2 years. Let me start by saying I was married for 12 years & met my current bf after my separation. I have 2 children from my previous marriage. The reason for my divorce was bc my ex cheated on me multiple times. With all this being said, my bf was a breath of fresh air. Treated me like a queen. He is 39 yrs old, never been married & no kids. This was 2 major red flags for me at first, but he is a licensed counsler & thearapist so after talking a lot, I felt I had to give it a try.

    One of our first big sit down talks consisted of us telling each other we would be honest (no lying, withholding etc.), communicate & try our best to protect & think about each other in every situation. Let me tell you, I had NO IDEA the extent he would take these things to. So here's where the trouble started. I had a facebook page. On it, I still had family pics only with the kids & ex husband. To say he had a fit would be an understatement! I told him they were there bc my kids were in them. He yelled about how disrespectful that was & how he would never have an ex on fb etc. I said fine, I will remove them. Being with someone for 15 yrs, you have a lot of history and/or pics. This did take me a while being that I work full time & I'm a single mom with pretty much no help from the ex. He went through my fb with a fine tooth comb. Found a couple of pics that I missed & blew up AGAIN! I apologized & removed them. He continues to this day to throw all of it in my face claiming I wasn't ready for a relationship & how disrespectful it was. Moving on, I told him I dated very very briefly before him a guy & it didn't work out. I didn't hide anything from him, I was upfront & honest (probably more than most)! The ONLY thing I didn't tell him was his name. Now this guy was a friend first BEFORE we dated briefly. It just didn't work out. He is ALSO on my fb. My bf, while combing my fb page for things he doesn't like, saw an old post with my ex-husband commenting(along with others) in reference to a basketball game. He flipped out AGAIN, I apoligized & said it was bc it was a tagged post not mine. In this post, the friend I dated briefly was in it just talking sports. I told my bf, by the way, the other person in that post is the guy I told you about. That's when my nightmare began! I thought I was being honest. However he said that was with holding & I can not be trusted! I was also trying to quit smoking. He hates it & I wanted to quit as well. I did sneak & took a couple of puffs off a cigarette. He smelled it & asked me. At first I did lie & say no but then immediately turned around & said I'm sorry, yes I did.

    Now we are at the present 2 yr together mark. This was all around the 3-6 month mark. (I know this is long but trying to give background info lol). I am not allowed to have any social media websites. I do nothing with any of my friends. I'm not allowed to talk about sports (which I love) with him, co workers, I have to tell him where I am at all times (when I leave, in between stops, when I get to where I'm going, etc. etc.) He calls me names, tells me I'm stupid, bipolar, crazy, piece of S******t, and much much more! He is verbally & emotionally abusive along with controlling. He says he does these things bc of what I did & that it's my fault. He says he knows he has an anger issue but I caused it & that he's only pushing me bc he knows I can do better. I've told him repeatedly & still do that I can't function like that. Putting me down, calling me names & pressuring me doesn't make me do better! It does more harm than good. He says ok but he doesn't know how else to be. Now every phone call, every conversation, every DAY is a fight and/or argument! I'm under a lot of stress already financially being a single mom & with my relationship problems on top of it, the stress is MAXED! To the point that it's affecting me physically! Just this week, he has given me hell bc I'm taking my son to a football game with me & not him.

    I know most of you after reading this would say, just end it. I do care about him & he is so convincing that I'm constantly doubting what I think & feel! He makes me feel as if all of this, my problems with him or in life period, are my fault! Please take the time to read this bc I'm so torn. I hate being mean & hurting peoples feelings yet I am miserable!

  • To add a quick note, current bf constantly says he never sees me & I make no time for him. I remind him that we live 30 miles apart, I work full time & I'm a single mom of 2. He says if I love him, I would make time for him & that those are just excuses....UGH!

    Comment


    • This man is trying to isolate you from people in your life. He is being a bully. He is being abusive in how he is forcing you to change your life for him. Your first priority is your children. They have the right to have a Mother that is at least on amicable terms with their father. Just because you two are divorced and he is out of the picture, doesn't mean that your children don't have the right to have him in their pictures (if you get my meaning here). Your boyfriend should not try to limit who your contacts are. He is not your priority - your children are, and then you are.

      If this were me (and I've been in a similar yet different situation) I'd be looking for other tell-tale signs of abuse of power. I think you are smart not to be living with this person right now.
      That which we forget may as well never really happened.

      Comment


      • Thank you very much for taking the time to read & reply. You are very right! I know & think a lot of the same things you are saying. However, he has manipulated me to make me think twice & doubt myself. Just hearing others say what I'm thinking as well is reassuring & gives me back a little piece of confidence.

        If anyone else has comments, good or bad, I'm very eager to read so please reply! Thanks again Claret!

        Comment


        • I fully agree with Claret. This is what abusers do. They overwhelm their target with kindness and love. Then they isolate them from family, friends and support (anyone who might point out that he is a loser). Then they demand evermore time, devotion and energy through manipulation and power.

          Just because he's a licensed counselor doesn't mean he's got his head on straight. Unfortunately, too many people become counselors in order to deal with their baggage.

          Gather some friends and family around you to support you as you pull away from this man. If he gets threatening, get the police involved.

          Good luck

          Comment


          • Thank you Pollon! I appreciate & value your comment!

            Comment


            • I'm sure he's very convincing, and you want to trust the judgement of a licensed counselor, but please do not believe what he's telling you. From what you've described here, from an outsider's perspective, you're being emotionally abused and bullied.

              Follow your gut on this one. YOU ARE NOT WRONG.

              Comment


              • kmonte85: I think you just hit the "nail on the head" so to speak. Being his schooling, training & career, I'm more inclined to believe him. He has totally convinced me of thinking I am the problem. With him & I AND for my ex husband cheating on me. Although when he says that, he turns around immediately & says "Not that anyone deserves to be cheated on & it's not ok, but there has to be a reason he strayed".

                Thank you all for your comments. I really appreciate it!

                Comment


                • Even if you make mistakes (like still being with this manipulative person), it's one's right to live one's life and make mistakes and not face the Inquisition for it.

                  He's manipulating you, he's ruining your self-esteem. He's controlling, isolating you, filling you with guilt. In a few words, he's destroying who you are.

                  It's very difficult to leave a guy like this, because the continuous attack on your self-esteem makes you doubt yourself, you doubt everything.

                  How long are you going to live like this? And what about your children? Are they witnessing the mining of your mind this guy is doing?

                  Only you know what is good for you and your children. It seems you already have one person too many trying to tell you how to live.

                  Whatever you do, love yourself, be whole, be you. If you've made mistakes in the past (we all have), so what? It doesn't give anyone the right to talk you down, to torture you, to abuse you psychologically.

                  Comment


                  • So, you went from being in a troubled marriage, right into this relationship without any time for healing, it seems to me. You were bruised & this manipulative, abusive man saw the vulnerability & seized the opportunity to pull you in & has tried to turn you into a follower.

                    There's been great comments so far, I could add more, but for lack of time, I'll just say, he isn't going to change, and will likely only get worse with this control & abuse.
                    So, you either accept that this is your life, or make the decision to cut it off now. It isn't going to be easy to leave a man like this, but I'd rather be miserable breaking up with some ray of light ahead, than continue knowing this is as good as it gets. Really, what other choice is there, and better example for those kids?
                    Best of luck, dear. We're here for support & feedback as you need us.

                    Comment


                    • As a victim of relationship abuse, I completely sympathise with what you are going through. I'm terribly sorry.... I understand the frustration. Always feeling like you did something wrong, like you keep messing up, like everything is your fault; or you deserve the way you're being treated...

                      I can assure you none of that is true.... and sometimes it takes getting out of the situation to realize that.

                      Your children should be top priority. They deserve to have theirdad in their lives. And it sounds like you and your ex-husband were on pretty good terms.

                      I know it's difficult when you genuinely care for somebody, but he is warping your mind into something you don't want it to be. You don't have to stop loving him, but I highly recrecommend you getting away from him. Breaking up with my ex-fiance is what it took to get me out of the abuse.

                      Comment


                      • I am hoping you are still around as I am a victim of emotion abuse as well, constant put down. After marriage, realisation that he hates and doesn't trust women, nothing at all I could do and believe me I tried, could change it.

                        Treated me like a queen. He is 39 yrs old, never been married & no kids. This was 2 major red flags for me at first, but he is a licensed counsler & thearapist so after talking a lot, I felt I had to give it a try.
                        Always, always trust your gut feeling. I actually felt on my wedding day, WT? But went ahead there was no real abuse at that point , something didn't click.

                        He would be telling all women that they should honour their man. Actually, he probably got into that industry deliberately to control women after all, imagine if you could control more than one woman?

                        He already knew what you came from, bingo. A cheating husband, down and out, just treat her initially like a princess and she's mine.

                        I would like to call him a worm

                        They will ALWAYS make you feel like it's you.

                        You are your own person, it's your life and in that someone enters it and enjoys it with you, with you" and visa versa.

                        Are you wrong? No.

                        He's 39, did he live with his Mother? I would bet he did.

                        Never married no kids, your red flag was right but he treated you right, so after what you went through already which was Hell on Earth this seemed great.

                        Trust your instincts.

                        This guy is controlling, manipulative, knew your vulnerability and used it, he knew you wanted to have something nice, good and so, he played his cards.

                        When they bring you to your lowest so you forget who you are? You have two choices, lose it and remain and believe what they are saying or snap out of it, remember that gut feeling and run for your life.

                        That is what I did.

                        I am hoping you will do the same.

                        I've been with my fiancé for 5 years and he is awesome in everyway.

                        I never got to my lowest I am strong but therefore I am lucky but therefore I can understand, feel and want to support those that were already there and moved on to someone who saw that for their own self gain.

                        You are your own person.. You work hard, you have kids, you don't need him, you need love and guess what , it's still out there.
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                        Comment


                        • It's hard to come to terms about what is going on when someone has made you feel good but is also making you feel bad. It's hard to also put an end to "something" when you know there's no one else lined-up waiting right away, meaning there will be "nothing." Write down everything negative and positive about your relationship with him that should help you clear things up, but remember you might need bravery and courage to come to terms with the reality of the situation if the negatives outweigh the positives.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by Justwannabehappy View Post
                            Hello,

                            My boyfriend & I have been together for 2 years. Let me start by saying I was married for 12 years & met my current bf after my separation. I have 2 children from my previous marriage. The reason for my divorce was bc my ex cheated on me multiple times. With all this being said, my bf was a breath of fresh air. Treated me like a queen. He is 39 yrs old, never been married & no kids. This was 2 major red flags for me at first, but he is a licensed counsler & thearapist so after talking a lot, I felt I had to give it a try.

                            One of our first big sit down talks consisted of us telling each other we would be honest (no lying, withholding etc.), communicate & try our best to protect & think about each other in every situation. Let me tell you, I had NO IDEA the extent he would take these things to. So here's where the trouble started. I had a facebook page. On it, I still had family pics only with the kids & ex husband. To say he had a fit would be an understatement! I told him they were there bc my kids were in them. He yelled about how disrespectful that was & how he would never have an ex on fb etc. I said fine, I will remove them. Being with someone for 15 yrs, you have a lot of history and/or pics. This did take me a while being that I work full time & I'm a single mom with pretty much no help from the ex. He went through my fb with a fine tooth comb. Found a couple of pics that I missed & blew up AGAIN! I apologized & removed them. He continues to this day to throw all of it in my face claiming I wasn't ready for a relationship & how disrespectful it was. Moving on, I told him I dated very very briefly before him a guy & it didn't work out. I didn't hide anything from him, I was upfront & honest (probably more than most)! The ONLY thing I didn't tell him was his name. Now this guy was a friend first BEFORE we dated briefly. It just didn't work out. He is ALSO on my fb. My bf, while combing my fb page for things he doesn't like, saw an old post with my ex-husband commenting(along with others) in reference to a basketball game. He flipped out AGAIN, I apoligized & said it was bc it was a tagged post not mine. In this post, the friend I dated briefly was in it just talking sports. I told my bf, by the way, the other person in that post is the guy I told you about. That's when my nightmare began! I thought I was being honest. However he said that was with holding & I can not be trusted! I was also trying to quit smoking. He hates it & I wanted to quit as well. I did sneak & took a couple of puffs off a cigarette. He smelled it & asked me. At first I did lie & say no but then immediately turned around & said I'm sorry, yes I did.

                            Now we are at the present 2 yr together mark. This was all around the 3-6 month mark. (I know this is long but trying to give background info lol). I am not allowed to have any social media websites. I do nothing with any of my friends. I'm not allowed to talk about sports (which I love) with him, co workers, I have to tell him where I am at all times (when I leave, in between stops, when I get to where I'm going, etc. etc.) He calls me names, tells me I'm stupid, bipolar, crazy, piece of S************************************************t, and much much more! He is verbally & emotionally abusive along with controlling. He says he does these things bc of what I did & that it's my fault. He says he knows he has an anger issue but I caused it & that he's only pushing me bc he knows I can do better. I've told him repeatedly & still do that I can't function like that. Putting me down, calling me names & pressuring me doesn't make me do better! It does more harm than good. He says ok but he doesn't know how else to be. Now every phone call, every conversation, every DAY is a fight and/or argument! I'm under a lot of stress already financially being a single mom & with my relationship problems on top of it, the stress is MAXED! To the point that it's affecting me physically! Just this week, he has given me hell bc I'm taking my son to a football game with me & not him.

                            I know most of you after reading this would say, just end it. I do care about him & he is so convincing that I'm constantly doubting what I think & feel! He makes me feel as if all of this, my problems with him or in life period, are my fault! Please take the time to read this bc I'm so torn. I hate being mean & hurting peoples feelings yet I am miserable!
                            You have answer your own question here. This is why he never been married at 39 years old is just for this reason. I am sorry but I seen this twice with two close girl friends of my wife and it did not end well and this is how it all started just like this. Guys like this are scary dudes and with his jealousy of friends and your ex the father of your kids not being on your face book pages photo. Plus checking out your phone and who you are talking with. But I am sorry that is a control freak at the highest level . What scares me he is a shrink that in it self is not healthy as he is counseling other people of there problems when he has the biggest one of all a complete a control freak. So Justwantbehappy you need to tell the BF flat out you are done bowing down to his jealous ways. You will have friends and family pics plus ex husband pics on your face book account and not tell him where you are at every second of the day this is not healthy at all. That his way of using mind control to rule you along with controlling you issues. I feel for you it's wrong and plus it's not good for yourself or your kids mentally health period.I can only guess growing up he saw his dad do the same thing to his mother that's what some son will when they get older in relationship is just this they live in the eyes of what there dad did. This so sad but true. So I said good luck and God bless you dear you really need it bad so you not miserable any more.
                            When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.

                            Comment


                            • Hi justwannabehappy, I am using a tablet at the moment and it is awkward trying to write a sentence.
                              However from reading you're description of you're partner he sounds very like a sociopath unfortunatley .

                              There is a book I read not so long ago and you may find it both interesting and of use to you, it's called the sociopath next door by Marth Stout.

                              According to Martha Stout one in twenty five are sociopaths or at least have a lot of sociopathic tendencies .

                              When my new laptop arrives I will be able to elaborate further . In the mean time I recommend the sociopath next door ,brilliant book.

                              Comment

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