[lyssdemarchand]

I've wrote in here about my boyfriend before and decided I'd give this topic a chance since I've been struggling with it and everyone has great advice.

My boyfriend literally sleeps 12+ hours a day. Maybe even 15+ hours. I have no idea what is going on. He's always had days here and there where he'd sleep really late but lately it's getting out of control. One night he was drinking all night so I totally get the whole "spend all day catching up on the sleep you missed" but there's been times where he'll go to sleep at 11pm and wake up at 4pm then go back to sleep at 8pm. It's extremely frustrating. He looks really tired too. This seems to have really started up these past 3 weeks and it's gotten to the point where I feel like he's avoiding me. We've had some other relationship issues recently so I could see why maybe he's avoiding me? I don't know. Last night we were watching tv at 7pm and he kept falling asleep off and on till about 8pm and then said "Well, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette and then pass out." my cue to leave. He doesn't have a job currently because he can't afford a car until middle of October. I work nights some days so it's hard for me to get him and pick him up from work. His roommate has 2 cars but they're both not working and he's saving up the money for the parts and he can't drive him either. I'm just really at a loss. I feel like I'm the problem. He has a tendency to be really rude to anyone to if they wake him up.

The biggest problem of this whole thing is that he doesn't even see anything is wrong. I've told him numerous amount of times that I'm concerned about him although I've never mentioned depression because idk, I feel like I'm over stepping my boundaries. Everyone that I've asked for advice says he's depressed. I agree, he probably is. This man is the love of my life though and it's not just this guy I've been dating for a month where I can just break up with him. It would be very difficult for me to leave the relationship and I'd feel even worse leaving it if he is suffering from depression.

Someone else wrote a question similar and one of the answers were "Maybe it's you who he is avoiding" and now I'm all paranoid he's avoiding me. But this is going to pretty extreme lengths to avoid someone. He still shows me affection although I feel like maybe it's gone down a little bit...But yeah, I feel terrible because I'm his girlfriend and I should be enough to wake him up and get him out of bed..and I'm not. So that's also what makes me feel like I'm the problem. I asked him yesterday if something was going on and he's like "All is well baby " Or if I ever ask him he's okay he's like "I'm fine...why?" and he looks at me like I'm crazy for asking that. It baffles me completely.

Do you think he's avoiding me or do you think it's something much deeper?

[KMonte85]

Some people need more sleep than others, but 12-15 hours of sleep a day is very excessive. He may have a medical issue causing this - under-active thyroid and depression both come to mind. He should really consider getting looked at if he's legitimately that tired. However, I'm not entirely convinced this is the root cause, based on what you've said here.

It seems moreso like he's just lacking any kind of purpose or schedule that keeps him occupied/awake/invested. No job, nothing to do, might as well crash all day... if it's nothing medical, it's probably a mix of boredom and lack of any real responsibilities. Does he live in an area where he can't walk to a job, or take public transportation? And if we're going down that route, how can a guy who has no job and can't afford his own vehicle, afford to live on his own and smoke cigarettes and drink all night? A guy who doesn't have an income because he can't afford his own transportation should not have any disposable income for luxuries like alcohol and cigarettes. That's just my $0.02, anyway.

Does he have a drive to WANT to work? Or have any drive to do anything beyond sleep? Or does he seem perfectly content with the way his life is now? You made mention that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing - but is that just in regards to the sleep, or does he feel the same about being unemployed? That's a good indicator for YOU that he's probably not looking to improve his situation. Meaning, instead of being worried that he's avoiding you, maybe be a little concerned that your boyfriend is perfectly content being a deadbeat.

[lyssdemarchand]

Some people need more sleep than others, but 12-15 hours of sleep a day is very excessive. He may have a medical issue causing this - under-active thyroid and depression both come to mind. He should really consider getting looked at if he's legitimately that tired. However, I'm not entirely convinced this is the root cause, based on what you've said here.

It seems moreso like he's just lacking any kind of purpose or schedule that keeps him occupied/awake/invested. No job, nothing to do, might as well crash all day... if it's nothing medical, it's probably a mix of boredom and lack of any real responsibilities. Does he live in an area where he can't walk to a job, or take public transportation? And if we're going down that route, how can a guy who has no job and can't afford his own vehicle, afford to live on his own and smoke cigarettes and drink all night? A guy who doesn't have an income because he can't afford his own transportation should not have any disposable income for luxuries like alcohol and cigarettes. That's just my $0.02, anyway.

Does he have a drive to WANT to work? Or have any drive to do anything beyond sleep? Or does he seem perfectly content with the way his life is now? You made mention that he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing - but is that just in regards to the sleep, or does he feel the same about being unemployed? That's a good indicator for YOU that he's probably not looking to improve his situation. Meaning, instead of being worried that he's avoiding you, maybe be a little concerned that your boyfriend is perfectly content being a deadbeat.

I definitely see your points. To answer your first question, his roommate will often buy the alcohol and has no problem sharing with my boyfriend. He was working at some place in our town but they were completely unfair so he quit and I will agree with him on that, they were out of line. But there's also a pizza place he could apply to and even a few days ago he said he thinks he might pick up the overnight shift at a gas station since he's worked at one before. I feel like sometimes he gets this boost of motivation and does want to work but most of the time no, I don't think he really has a drive to work. His roommate works 4 jobs, which two of the jobs are at the same place so it's more like he's working 3 but jesus. Their rent is $550 a month so I get it's not THAT much but still I completely agree that my boyfriend needs to help him out. I'm baffled by the fact that his roommate hasn't kicked him out. They're very good friends and his roommate is definitely not the stern type so I'm guessing he just feels awkward telling him to go get a job. I don't know why, but that's my guess. I told my boyfriend the other day to get a job and he was like "I know, Lyss." and then his roommate was like "You know, I've really been pestering him to get one." I don't know how he's putting up with this.

I mean I have my lazy days too but I could never sleep 12+ plus unless something was wrong with my body. I've never suffered from depression so I'm not sure if this is exactly depression but one of my friends suffers from depression and she said "I used to go to class, come home and take a 5 hour nap then go back to sleep at like 8pm and then repeat and it was completely the depression. It takes over you." I think his worst mistake was moving into his friends place. He has a terrible relationship with his parents and I know most of the details but they've really been trying lately to get him back home but he won't go. Here's the thing, his roommate now can balance partying, work, social life, and sleep all into one day. I don't know how he does it but he does. Many people can't do that. My boyfriend can't do that.

I'm just so frustrated. I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like he doesn't wanna be with me anymore. I don't know. I'm really feeling down about the whole thing.

[KMonte85]

Hun, I really don't think his sleep schedule or lack of drive has ANYTHING to do with you. It seems your guy is just "lost" ..he has no purpose right now, no responsibilities, no real expectations (beyond you and his roommate prodding him to find a job) and therefore has no reason to get active. It's easy to become stagnant when that's your existence. This has ZERO to do with you not being good enough. Please try to remove that thought from your mind. Your boyfriend isn't sleeping all the time because you're not good enough to be around. I can understand why you feel down, but don't for a second think it has anything to do with you.

He needs to find something to do and contribute to the living expenses. It's unfair that his roommate is working 3-4 jobs and supporting both of them. Eventually, his kind nature is going to run out and he'll get sick of being taken advantage of and be forced to kick your boyfriend out.

It seems your boyfriend understands he should find a job... what's stopping him from applying? Does he just not have the motivation to do it? A pizza place or a gas station is far better than nothing! Why hasn't he applied?

Why is the relationship with his parents so terrible? What makes it so strained?

[jns]

Your bf certainly sounds like he is going through depression. One cure is to start doing something, anything so he can start to feel good about himself once again.

[Little]

How much caffeine does he drink/take daily?