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Male - am I over reacting?

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  • Male - am I over reacting?

    OK, so I've never really asked for advice or opinions on relationship matters before.

    I am a guy, I have been in a relationship for just over 1 year with a girl from another country and different culture/language, things have been great whilst we don't both speak the same language fluently, we understand one another and can communicate well enough for day to day, and I try and express my feelings in other ways.

    Anyway, we were out the other night sat on a bench over looking a beautiful view, she went on her phone to take some photos of the occasion and whilst she was doing so I saw a photo of another guy that I wasn't familiar with. I asked her who it was, her answer was that it was a guy I didn't know, from Youtube a semi-famous Vlogger. So, I proceeded ot ask her how she got the photo and she said that he gave it to her. So, I then asked how...she said she gave him her number...

    At this point I was slightly disappointed and hurt, because months before she had told me she had met him but never that she exchange numbers.

    Why did she hide it from me? Why didn't she let me know, considering she had already brought up meeting him?

    To be honest, I am a guy so I know how most guys think - also I know that this specific guy is a 'play boy' and has a taste for girls from this country and speaks this language fluently...

    So, call me slightly paranoid but surely I have a good reason to over react considering she kept it from me?

    I want to know that I am either right or wrong...I am not a stubborn person and I don't have many close friends so I don't have many people to ask for advice on this.

    But now I just feel let down and disappointed that she purposely hid it from me, and now I feel that I can't trust what she says and I question what else she may be hiding from me...I am probably over reacting but I moved to her country to be with her, I don't have many friends here, I am alone most of the day and I am one of those people who think and think and think so it's driving me slightly insane.

    Any help would be appreciated.

    Thanks for your time.

  • Are you able to ask her the questions you asked us? How big is the language divide? It doesn't sound like she really hid much from you since she allowed you to see the picture and answered your questions. It sounds like you mightbe in a vvulnerable, isolated situation and that's getting to you.

    I speak multiple languages. One of the things I've learned is that the mother tongue is the one of the heart. Even people who are able to learn another language well enough to work and live in another land can still tend to be reached better in their native language. It's why I'm working very hard to learn one of the languages I speak, which I dislike and is notoriously difficult. The work I'm doing requires more than intellectual understanding. I'm trying to engage people emotionally.

    If you're not already, I'd use your down time to master the language and understand the culture if I were you. Even for two people with the same language and culture, it takes a lot of effort to make things work. There are people who conquer the language/culture barrier, but it takes extra work once to get beyond the phase where things are exciting and new. We have members on this site that are in long-term relationships across culture and language barriers. Maybe they can chime in and give you more insight.

    Also, no matter the culture, good relationships have boundaries. It doesn't sound like she violated any that normal couples might have. I've got more numbers of people I don't know and contact stored in my phone than those I do. It's nothing to text or email a picture to someone. You meet someone, take a picture together, and say, "Send it to me." They say, "OK, what's you number." And that's it.
    "Those sowing seed with tears
    Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


    • Stillness has given you great advice. Use your abundant time alone to immerse yourself in the language and culture of your adopted country. There is nothing less attractive then a partner who just waits at home until his or her partner returns from whatever. Get out of the house. Make some friends. Show her that her culture is important to you.

      To answer your question, unless there are other signs that she is cheating on you, you are overreacting to the picture. I agree again with Stillness; a picture of a playboy is just a picture. She did not hide it from you. She was honest how she obtained it. Going over and over it while you are home alone has made it much worse in your mind.
      "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"


      • Stillness and effy have spoken well.

        I'll simply add that it looks to me like you are the one she invited to her country and into her life, and what you are getting concerned about is simply a photo that should be put in its proper perspective, as those learned gentlemen who have already commented have suggested.

        Work on the language and culture as Stillness advises. My wife is from another land and culture. I lived there for several years. Like you, we had to struggle a bit with each other's languages at the outset, but perseverance was worth it.
        I do not grow old; if I stop growing, I am old.


        • Thanks for your time and advice, I really appreciate it.

          Yeah I asked her, she said...

          She hid it from me because she knew I wouldn't like it, she didn't really allow me to see the picture we stumbled across it when she was going through the images on her phone to find another photo, it does make me wonder what other photos she might have on her phone - but I am never going to go through her phone as one of my ex-girlfriends did that and it really annoyed me.

          **Stillness, you speak a lot of sense and I agree, I guess she didn't do anything major - I guess I am more disappointed that she purposely kept something from me, rather than the content of which she kept hidden...

          I wonder, if she knew it would be an issue for me then why would she proceed to give him her number, if I try and put my self in her situation and I realised it would upset my girlfriend if she found out, I wouldn't opt for doing it anyway and keeping it a secret, I would opt for not doing it at all.

          We have talked about it and she has apologised and said it's not what I thought at all, but I tried to explain why I was disappointed and how I felt she seems to understand so I guess I just need to stop thinking about it, as you have all said here if I continue to think about it I will just create a larger more serious issue, which isn't worth it.

          I definitely agree, I think this has made it obvious that I really need to begin creating my own social circles, I am looking for a bicycle so I can start cycling and I do go the gym and I want to start hiking so I just need to find others who are interesting in similar things to me.

          The language thing definitely is an issue as we progress further in to our relationship, I am starting a language course next month so I hope that will help but it's definitely going to take persistence and many months of learning to really grasp the basics.

          Anyways, thank you again all of you - I do really appreciate it.


          • Originally posted by Peekingduck View Post
            I wonder, if she knew it would be an issue for me then why would she proceed to give him her number, if I try and put my self in her situation and I realised it would upset my girlfriend if she found out, I wouldn't opt for doing it anyway and keeping it a secret, I would opt for not doing it at all.
            I agree. That's possibly a bit more of a transgression than I understood at first, but it could just be a more complicated issue than it would be otherwise because of the language barrier. Taking a picture and having a number are not big deals in and of themselves. It's the secret. But why reveal something that doesn't mean anything when it can cause the wrong idea and explaining is extremely difficult?

            I wish you well.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126



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