I snooped and found out he cheated

[faeluna]

My boyfriend and I have been together almost nine months. We have just about everything in common and have a lot of fun together. We have similar interests and do a lot as a couple, but also have time apart. A couple months ago, he said he needed a little more space, as he's not ready for something super serious (like moving in or having a 24-hour relationship) after going through a divorce about two years ago.

Maybe a year after his divorce, some months before he met me, he hooked up with a long-time friend. They weren't ever a couple, more like FWB. After he met me, he cut off contact with her. He told me about her and why he didn't think they could be friends anymore.

So around the time I start giving him more space, the old FWB starts pressuring him to meet for coffee and catch up. They hang out and watch movies a few times. I express my concern, but my BF says I have nothing to worry about. So I trust him. During this time, he has a lot of stress at work getting ready for a big event, and I don't see him much. A week after the event is over, he's still a little distant, but then things quickly return to normal. It's better than ever. The old FWB isn't ever mentioned again, and I notice after checking Facebook that he's unfriended her.

And then I did something wrong. I snooped. What I found was that he'd cheated on me, beyond shadow of a doubt. They had been sending sexy messages back and forth, and a couple messages confirmed that they'd slept together. Immediately following these messages, there's nothing for several days, and the next one is her asking to talk "one last time." She asked to meet for coffee a couple times also, all with no responses from him. Her last message was over a month ago.

So I now find myself with the problem of knowing my boyfriend cheated and didn't confess. I also now have to confess to snooping. I just don't know how to handle this. To me it seems like he made his choice in pushing her back out of his life, but I can't know she won't ever try to come back.

There's also a sub-issue of my car getting keyed three times in the past month, and I can't help but wonder if she did it.

My intention is to work through this, not break up. Please help...

[chaya]

In a court of law, evidence found without probable cause or a proper warrant is inadmissible, even in a murder case. Did you have probable cause to snoop?

I snooped on my husband once, years ago, what I found still affects me to this day. I chose to suck it up and keep quiet about it and never snoop again. You'll have to decide for yourself.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think that Divorce can rock people and I noticed when I separated and went back into the dating market that for the most part, the men "claimed" to be looking for love but they had lost so much trust in women and finances and loss of, that they really weren't. They were looking for companionship and too scared to go down the same path again.

It sounds as if your boyfriend may still be in that sphere however, it also sounds as if, he may have realised what he was doing was disrespectful and told her so. That would make sense to me as to why they haven't seen each other, why she stated " one last chance" and why she possibly keyed your car.

It also sounds as if "you give him distance" so that he can breathe. Perhaps she claimed un-dying love

I personally feel that if you are "ok" with being with someone that is not ready for a committed relationship that being 24/7 and clearly he is not, then take this "one" situation as a slip up of past and don't mention it.

You both did wrong. He, by cheating and you by snooping and I'm not stating your "wrong" was equal to his not at all.

But, you sound level headed and that you are "in understanding" of the situation to a degree and in acceptance "this once".

What I would do is state to him that your car keeps being keyed as if someone is upset with you or jealous... Leave it at that.

Let him sort his mess out.

Honestly though, there is only so much time we can waste in a "not sure where it's going" relationship...

There is also only so many times we should forgive for situations like this, as in once.

Wishing you well.

[soph_walker]

I snooped once and found that my (now ex) bf had received and exchanged texts from a woman whom he'd previously had a date with (me and my now ex were in a relationship at the time I found this out).

I confronted him about it and admitted my mistake at snooping, but said that I had a funny feeling about it, call it women's intuition.

He owned up and admitted that yes they had texted but not met up, in all seriousness, the texts from her where more needy/flirty than his replies. It caused a huge row anyhow, as he also admitted that they'd been emailing for quite some time and she'd asked to meet up.

To cut a long story short, I know he'd not been unfaithful to me in a physical way, and I forgave him for being stupid enough to text this woman back, but it ruined - absolutely ruined - my trust in him. It placed a seed of mistrust in my mind and after this incident, he would never ever let his phone out of his sight, or let me see his pincode for his phone, he would also lay the phone screen-side down and keep it on silent at all times.

I think you either confront him and take the chance on there being some amount of fall-out from it, or suck it up and move on.

If your relationship is moving forward and you feel you have a future together, it may be something you have to come to terms with.

If however, you feel you will always mistrust him and feel suspicious, then I would strongly consider bringing it up.

Wishing you support!

[Stillness]

A couple months ago, he said he needed a little more space, as he's not ready for something super serious (like moving in or having a 24-hour relationship) after going through a divorce about two years ago.

Is it possible that meant he could fool around with other people?

[Motorguy]

Well Faeluna for me I would want to know that my spouse was cheating on me. To continue on with the relationship your BF thinks he gotten away with it saying he may do it again. I would would myself come clean on the snooping and tell him that you are willing to over look this one time. But you want to be the only women in his life not just a FWB women. My opinion is when ever you know this is going on and it's never confronted the relationship will never be the same again. You will always have this doubt in the back of your mind is your BF cheating with this old GF again. My whole point without good communication many relationship will never last. I would say good luck in your future with your BF.