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Am I being selfish of is he?

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  • Am I being selfish of is he?

    I have a bf of 8 months who I love very very much but I am feeling like I am coming to a point where I am having difficulties with this relationship. THIS IS A VERY LONG POST!
    It starts out 4 months ago, I was getting fed up with some of the things he said because they hurt me greatly. He said I danced like a ******** when I go to clubs when I only dance with my lady friends only and nobody else and he usually trusts me to go out with them. As an experienced dancer, body waves and chest pops are very normal in most hip hop choreography. Furthermore, he posted a link about ********ty reputation of high school cheerleaders when he knew I cheered all high school. When I was dealing with my parent's divorce and their refusal to cooperate with me on the whole process, he told me that his abusive parents were worse than my parents are and didn't really comfort me in any way. Additionally, I was dealing with him complaining about his moving out for a week straight and even helped him move things out although I didn't want to deal with him. After helping him I went back to my place and told him I was tired when in reality I was fed up with him. That night I went drinking with 3 frat guys and 2 other ladies who are in a shaky relationship for a chill out. I actually didn't drink that night because I mainly went to look out for the girls and I also called him to tell him the situation I was in. I had a chat with the ladies and we each expressed our stress with our current bfs and why we are unhappy with our relationship. I was going to talk to him about it that night but he found out all the stuff I was saying and got mad at me thinking I made him an enemy to all the girls I talked to when in reality they were actually trying to help. Basically in the end, I ended up apologizing to him and promised to work things out with this whole thing and I did fix the things he did not like and he did too with some of the words he said even though he didn't really understood why I didn't like some of the things he said to me (this was evident in our argument when he kept trying to justify himself).

    Now two weeks ago we had another big argument. I was getting fed up with how I didn't feel appreciated but merely a convenience to him for the past 6 weeks. He has a total of 32 hours of work and school not counting homework and test study time. I also come over every night and spend the night there because of his place's proximity to campus and my workplace and the benefit of seeing him. However, he never really likes to leave the apt. Over those 6 weeks he made plans twice with me both of which he canceled and he tried to cancel on me the third time on Halloween. So I had to literally drag him out of the house just to go out to eat with him because he was hungry although I wanted the movie (we only had time for only 1 of those things because he woke up so late) since I didn't believe he would want to hang out unless it benefits him. On my REALLY BAD menstrual cycle (it took me 10.5 weeks to get it!) I basically threw a fit at him for a week and got angry about my unhappiness that built up for the past few weeks. I also got angry at him when he "very politely" told me not to step on the internet cable when it disturbed his game when I was outside his living room crying about my discontent. He didn't come out until he was done with his game to check up on me. He kept making excuses saying I do not respect his need for rest and that I should make up the plans for him because he only makes the plans (he always turns down mine because he doesn't like the other people there and so it doesn't serve his interest, including my own brother in addition to my partying friends). I also go out of my way to help him such as doing the dishes occasionally or getting him bubble tea by myself at night out in the cold because he wants one. I can't make the plans for him if I always come to his place finding him asleep. I do admit I do disturb his sleep a lot when I need to get my things in his room for my late night classes but I don't feel that he returns that favor to me. It's been a while he went out of his way to help me... possibly since before we started dating.

    Then he decides to finally get out of the house. To see his best friend he hasn't seen for three weeks and his close lady friend he hasn't seen in 3 months... he never bothered to make a single plan with me. Angry, I packed up all my thing, went to my apartment and decided to hang out with a new guy friend who was actually good looking and a lot richer. I had no intentions to cheat but was hoping to at least get a new guy friend to fill in my empty gap I have with my bf because i was getting lonely. 80% of my friends are guys and they were willing to make plans for me so I spent time with them to fill in that same gap. Then he canceled on me and after seeing his message, I realized he wasn't there to be just friends so I turned him down. My bf told his best friend that he felt disrespected in the relationship that I was going to go off and meet up a new guy and he was going to break up with me as a result. He didn't tell me he liked me making plans like that until I brought up the fact he canceled.

    So we talked it out.... Basically he put all the faults on me and i had to profusely apologize to him. He said he didn't like me meeting new guys and so we made that boundary clear. It is my first relationship and having a guy friend majority in my friend circle I found this a bit hard. I tried to talk with him about my unhappiness with him and why i've been so moody. He found the whole cable incident overreacting on my side and doesn't think what he's doing is problematic. He also blamed all our fights on our period because that's when i actually get the courage to finally speak up to him but doesn't realize it's actually based on my unhappiness with his behavior AND his response to my unhappiness. Do you guys think i'm being selfish here or is he being the selfish guy? I don't want him to know i'm writing this because he thinks I write subjectively as if to put 100% of the blame on him (this is what he apparently told one of my lady friends). I showed that lady friend the messages I wrote to his best friend and my brother and even then they tell me I do tell the story fairly objectively to the best of my ability. It's also really hard to leave him because every time I try to leave my anxiety and inability to sleep gets the best of me. Sorry this is long but it's very important to me.

  • Your bf sounds immature and controlling. The immaturity should fade with time. His controlling nature sounds more problematic.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia


    • He definitely does sound selfish from your description. It doesn't seem like a very healthy relationship. He puts you down for your interests, and doesn't prioritize you. You say you're only staying because of anxiety issues? Is there a way for you to exit this relationship without your anxiety getting the best of you? From what you've written it seems you want out.


      • I don't think that selfish is really the word to describe it, it sounds like you guys are just not supposed to be together. It doesn't seem like it's working out and you definitely should not settle.


        • You should talk to him about your relationship with him, yeah, he's very controlling and don't want to have a healthy relationship


          • All I can say life is way short to deal with this issue with your bf. You need to discuss this with him and basically lay it down if his action continue you need to move on from this relationship period. If I had say these words to my wife let's just I would be talking with a very high voice now or be missing some body parts. You can't change a man who treats you like this as he's done it this whole life and now with you. Just know there is other men in this world who will treat you a whole lot better then this.
            When out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning right.


            • Yeah - immaturity is one thing but controlling is different. Like Motorguy said, have a frank talk with him, as hard as that might be. Good luck!



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