The Enemy has CANCER

[faeluna]

About seven months ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. A long-time friend from his past (that he messed around with after his divorce almost two years ago), came back into his life and he made a mistake. He then cut off all ties with her and we’ve been working through it together.
Recently this woman was diagnosed with stage 2 ovarian cancer.
My boyfriend met with her to wish her well (part of some positive energy thing her therapy group recommended), and since then, she’s been texting and emailing him with updates on her treatments and how much her life sucks in general. She gets very angry if he doesn’t respond. The first time, he didn’t reply for two weeks. After that, he said he’s been giving her short replies because he doesn’t want to feel like a jerk.
I don’t know what to feel. I don’t like what his interactions with her seem to mean to HER. Yet she could be dying and isn’t it selfish to get upset over it? They were friends for years before they messed things up for each other and he almost lost me. Now the situation is just very complicated.
He’s told me he has no intention of hanging out with her or continuing friendship. He only wants to support her because this cancer is life-threatening, and if she dies, he doesn’t want regrets.

My question is, what should my part be? I’m so confused.

[Euphoric]

I imagine your bf is just as confused as you are. They were friends for years before messing around and he nearly lost you. I'm sure that was a wake up call because as you stated, the two of you have been working thru it together. Now this...I can see him wanting to offer platonic support - being an ear to bend - but not necessarily a shoulder to cry on. He doesn't want to come off as a complete jerk so replying with brief, short responses at some point takes care of that issue. Allowing a little time to pass before responding, maybe a few hours or a day also sends the message that he's not sitting around waiting for her text and isn't going to drop everything for her.

Your part? That's kinda tough. For now, it seems you both are handling the situation with dignity and grace. He's being open with you about their communication. Perhaps set boundaries - something along the line of him not seeing her without you?

Her diagnosis is certainly overwhelming, but it's not necessarily a death sentence either. You both need to agree on what is acceptable so that your conscience doesn't bother you later.

[Motorguy]

Well Faeluna, just be supported of your boy friend with his ex wife who's battling cancer. He ensure you he has no feeling of redoing that relationship with his ex again. So give him the benefit of the doubt that he loves you and only wants to be with you. But now he's known this other women his ex a while she may die from cancer. All I can just be there and lend a hand if you can to help out this poor women with your boy friend. But try to trust him instead of seeing the bad that something will happening again with another affair.

[effy2014]

I have been through a similar situation and it is very difficult to find emotional boundaries. He is probably feeling wide range of emotions. She will be great at making him feel tremendous guilt and I am sure that he feel sadness as well. Don't worry about how she interprets his actions . . . that is just jealousy in disguise. I doubt that your BF wants to get closer to get her and, yet, he feels that he cannot abandon her. He knows that his relationship with her is hurting you. I am pretty certain that he feels like he is between a rock and a hard place and is having trouble knowing what to do.

My advice is to talk with him. Be his partner and friend. Help your BF through these feelings and help him to set boundaries that both you and he can live with. I am sure that he will show you all of the texts and tell you about his conversations. Your BF will feel closer to you if you are understanding and helpful.

[jns]

If your bf had no compassion for her, I would say to leave him.

Consider if you and her exchanged roles. What would you feel being her? How should your bf respond?

[raindancer]

She wanted to meet with him and they did. I don't see a reason to continue exchanging messages if he's not happy with it, if he's doing it only out of compassion. He can politely tell her he wants to concentrate on his relationship with you, wish her well and close that door.

I just find it weird she gets "very angry" if he doesn't answer her messages. That isn't normal and this kind of behavior shouldn't be encouraged. Even suffering from a grave illness, a stalker is a stalker and shouldn't be encouraged.

[faeluna]

Well, a month after this happened, he started texting her a lot. I found out when he didn't take his phone to the bathroom and he got a text from her. Anyway, I asked him and he said it wasn't a big deal.

I didn't trust him. I just couldn't. So I checked the messages the next time he was away from his phone... I found out he was flirting with her, sending her links to porn videos, sending pics of sexual nature... And she was responding in kind.
Later texts revealed that he went to see her, and there were talks about "why be a secret if we can't have the bonus fun," and "why are you ashamed to be my friend, if we can't **** anymore?"

So I confronted him. He said her treatments were starting to work and he didn't feel the need to interact with her anymore, and she was mad about it. He said he just wanted to stay friends, but not hurt me, and seeing as it wasn't possible, he just stopped responding to her. It was feasible; the last text was a month prior to when I found it.

I know the prying was wrong, but not asking about that.

I want to know, what were his intentions of he sent those things to her? Why call cheating "bonus fun?" Do you think he's still into her?

Aside from this, I'm treated like a queen. I love him, but I feel like I may be hurting myself trying to trust him never to do this again. How do I know he'll never reach out to her again, or vice versa?

What would you do?