Another post about emotional cheating.

[MamaaCorydoras]

I have just discovered something about my boyfriend. I have recently posted in the 'sex' portion of this forum and this is basically an update. I thought I would post here anyway to get more advice.

Since our relationship started 6 years ago, there have been trust issues from my side. There has always been another girl interested in him and he never knows when to put his foot down because he enjoys the ego boost so much. Over the last year or so, he has been less interested in me sexually and hasn't been as attached as he used to be which I can understand is normal in a relationship after this much time. About a month ago he has told me that there is a female at his work that has shown interest in him. When I got upset at this, he got angry at me and said 'I would have thought that after so long you would trust me enough to have a conversation with me about it. You should find it pathetic and laugh it off.'

I have constantly expressed my concern over this, as he has told me that he hasn't mentioned me at all or that he is even in a relationship.
Last night he told me that he has been wondering if our relationship is worth it, basically because we've been together from such a young age (since I was 15 and he was 16), that he doesn't want to have any regrets about not having experimented with other women, and that he sometimes resents me for it. He has told me that he is interested in this other girl and the reason that he is so distant is that he feels guilty about it.

I was so upset and angry, I have told him that I consider this emotional cheating, and that he needs to make a decision. He either has to change or Im packing my things. He said he wouldn't let me leave because he loves me, but he says he shouldn't feel bad for wanting to have sex with other women.

I have basically told him that he cant have both. He has to make a choice. I told him maybe I should leave for a while and give us both some space and he said 'I don't want to have to learn the hard way, but at the same time Im not going to change because I cant help that I feel this way about someone else.'

What the hell am I meant to do...?!

[Ashlee T.]

Yikes. Well, you're exactly right. He cannot have it both ways. He cannot keep you and your heart on the string while he plays around with others to see if he likes them better.

6 years is a long time, but time doesn't always mean something is meant to last. It sounds like there are other reasons this relationship might not need to continue. 1. Trust (and it sounds like your lack of trust of him may be well justified) 2. Lack of sexual interest 3. Not feeling connected, growing apart ("not as attached"). It seems like you're getting all the signs that this relationship has lost its shine and it may be time to move on.

I think it's time for a break. A real break (not a "we're broke up but still seeing each other, talking every day, but he's sleeping with other people while I sit back and wait" break up), where you cease contact and go your separate ways. He needs to decide what he wants. And YOU need to decide what YOU want and need from a relationship. Many people stay together because they're comfortable and have been together for a long time, but that doesn't mean they're in love and truly happy. You deserve someone who makes you feel beautiful, respected, sexy, desired, loved and cherished. You deserve someone you can trust. Think about it.

[atskitty2]

So, if my calculation is correct, you both are approximately 21 and 22?

I think many people in relationships develop a crush or have fantasies of other people. Do I think this is emotional cheating? Not always, but probably in some cases, and likely in this case. My reason for thinking so, is that he's distancing and it's caused a change in his responses to you, sexually and emotionally.

What I think is that you do need a break. A time to explore yourselves and other people, would be helpful for you both. It seems neither of you are having your needs met, and that's the bottom line. It seems likely you've outgrown each other, and need to have some time apart to be sure this relationship really has what it takes.

Further, I would encourage you to do some serious work on yourself and the trust issues you have. Whether it stems from his actions, or if it's your own personal struggle, address it because it will become an issue in new romantic relationships, and other areas of your life as well.

My experience is that a person with difficulty trusting, it almost seems to become a self-fulfilling prophecy. They lack trust in a completely trustworthy partner, and over time, push that person away with the subtle things brought on by suspicions and hesitation, and that wall that's slowly built when no trust is there.

I'm not blaming you for what he's done, but rather, cautioning for the future.

. Keep us posted.

[Motorguy]

You are absolutely correct you can't have your cake and eat it as well. My feeling you need to give your boy friend altamatem it's either you or this other women. He's just thinking that he all that and boost to his ego he has two women on the hook wanting him. But it show me he has no respectful for you at all period. When he gets all upset when you questioning him about this other women. So I say pack the bags and find a guy who will treat you with respect and not play games with you in your relationship with them. So good luck and I hope you can figure this relationship out in the future.

[Selya]

I think it's natural to have these thoughts, especially with you being the only woman he's ever been with. But it's clear that he loves you and you love him. And it's great that you're honest with each other. Those thoughts will go away, just bear with him i think it's worth it. I mean if it's just thoughts. If he'll really cheat on you it's a different story.

[raindancer]

If he's less interested in sex with you, that's a problem. But the fact he wonders about having sex with other women, I find it perfectly normal, considering your situation (first/only sexual partner). I don't think that's an itch that will go away. It'll come back, become very intense, at times. He will hide it from you, probably, since you were so upset when he was honest about it with you.

I don't know... I think it is something very negative to be upset when a person who we're close with tells us about something very personal, something taboo, etc. You close the dialogue door. He'll be more reluctant to be honest with you again, because he knows what kind of reaction to expect.

I'm not saying he's right, nor wrong. There is no right and wrong about these things. Our minds go places we even don't want them to, but they do, that's human nature. We're always wondering, always questioning our choices, always thinking the grass may be greener elsewhere...

For relationships that started when the people involved were very young/inexperienced, I think it is perfectly reasonable to envisage the possibility of having a break to try different things.

15 and 16 are too young ages to decide something about the rest of your life. Isn't it normal to question that decision? I think it is. It doesn't make you a bad person.

Now, the loss of interest in sex with you, that's something else. You have both grown throughout the years. Perhaps he's into something you aren't. Perhaps his hormonal set up is different. So many things change between adolescence and adulthood!

In my own experience, it has worked very well to leave all doors open. My man is free to wonder, wander, try, like/dislike, experiment/experience. If limits there are, these are his own, to decide upon and to change as he pleases. And I allow myself the same level of freedom. In exchange, he can be sure I'm with him, because I love him, because he's the man I enjoy the most being with, sharing my life with. The door is always open. We could both have left, but we choose to stay. Whenever we venture out to take a look, we find many interesting things, but true love and true freedom, we only found with each other.