second chances

[atskitty2]

So, the guy I was dating most recently contacted me in effort to return some things I'd left at his house.
It's a long story so I won't go into all the details. The bottom line is, it seems that I may have acted hastily, and made the wrong assumption. We hadn't spoken for a month when he reached out to ask about returning my things.

So, we are chatting again. He asked if we could meet and discuss the miscommunication and talk things over. I agreed, but we haven't been able to do that, with our schedules. So, it's been all texting.

Anyway, I'm excited to see him and find out if it's worth pursuing a relationship. My concern is that maybe I'd lost interest in that month after we stopped talking. I'm not sure what I think. I want to see him and talk with him to know if the sparks will come back. I did miss him, still do, even tho we only dated a month. We definitely had a great beginning.
I am seeing another man, occasionally now. He doesn't compare, but we have a lot in common and a solid foundation could be built. Need to know for sure that it's over with #1 first.

Thoughts anyone? I know that doesn't give a lot of detail, so I will clarify if need be

[Motorguy]

Well Kitty, the first thing to ask yourself what guy makes you feel, you could have a LTR with. My feeling would be the guy you have the most things in common with. I think it comes down to what guy really makes you feel comfortable to be around and be that guy in your life for a long time. : - )

[Claret]

In order for a relationship to grow there must be communication, whether it be good, bad or otherwise. If it's good, no further work needs doing, if it's not good then the couple must work to find a style of communication that is comfortable for both of them. Some relationships come in with the sparks a flying, other relationships require nurturing and cultivating until you come to the point of agreeing to continue with it, or letting it go. Do you think he is the type of person you really want a long-term relationship with? Does he see the same in you?

[atskitty2]

I will say that I've been more comfortable with him than anyone, and more peaceful around him. It had only been a month, so still getting to know each other. We spent a lot of time in the month, tho, talking about really deep stuff. Not just the usual. He took me for an overnight stay and even welcomed my two dogs along, not even a second thought. He just really made me feel accepted, unconditional acceptance, even though it may put a crimp in his initial plan.
So, a month + and I'd mostly moved on, believing he'd ditched me. So, I just don't know how I feel, or what I think. I guess I will know more when we talk.

The other dude, I think we have a lot in common, but he's a very difficult guy to get to know. The same has been said of me. Our senses of humor are very similar; dry, sarcastic sort of dark humor so it's a bit like meeting the male version of how people describe me. I'm not sure I'm attracted as much to him tho'. And I have concerns about his intentions in a relationship. He's my age and has not had a very long relationship in his life. We have only gone out twice tho, so I don't know much about him either. I did ask about his dating history, and he gave only generality. He has been career focused so that may be partly why.

This weekend I hope to see them both. See what happens.

[Motorguy]

Well Kitty, knowing how you're dogs are part of your life. It seems the guy who you went out of town with and wanted you to bringing your dogs as well. To me that shows he cares in my book, as he's committed to you and your dogs. I think myself guy #1 would be the guy to have a LTR with from what I've read so far he seem to be you're type of guy. So have a lovely weekend on dates with them both.

[amy40]

This weekend I hope to see them both. See what happens.

Sounds like fun. Date some more and see if a stronger connection develops with either. Sometimes, relationships can develop fast with right person.

[Stillness]

When I was 17, in my first sexual relationship, and in love, my mother protested by telling me something that shocked me: "I want you to meet as many women as you can." It sounded like she wanted me to be the opposite of what I was - a faithful, one woman man.

What she was actually telling me is not to tie myself down anymore than I need to - sexually, emotionally, or otherwise. Be slow and calculating. Get to know different people and examine and compare them rationally to see what I like and what qualities might make the best mate. I listened a little, but was too much of a hornball to fully apply her wisdom. If I was dating now, I would listen to the old bird's counsel. I'd be the most cold, unaffectionate, slow-moving prude on the market.

[atskitty2]

I think the thing I learned here is that maybe I have developed a problem with trust, over these years of dating. Or at least expecting the worst in a relationship, if not a problem trusting.

I will discuss that with him.


Thanks for some feedback. I hope more will comment.

[Ashlee T.]

Interesting! Was this the one you were super excited about in the beginning that just sort of fizzled out?

[atskitty2]

This one didn't fizzle. It ended abruptly in October after 4-6 wks of dating, due to what I now understand to have been mostly my own fault, and partly a lack of communication on both our parts.

We did discuss this last night, finally meeting face to face. I am a bit disappointed in how that went, honestly. He started by saying he's sorry, and I said what for? "whatever it is I did that was wrong".
ok, well that's not a very sincere apology and doesn't serve to improve anything when you don't even know what you did wrong, right? I said that, as calmly as i could, as i was taken aback by those words.
I said I care less about apologies and laying blame, as it mostly lies with me here, but what i am concerned about is communication, and we both need to improve on that, it's clear.

I think he really was confused by the whole thing, and maybe is just used to accepting the blame for everything to keep peace.

He agreed to work on the area i felt he could have done differently/better, and I shared the areas that I believe i need to improve.

I think i have more to say tho. Not sure if I got everything off my chest, or if it simply created more questions in my mind.

I don't think I have it in me to pursue a relationship with someone who'll be passive and just roll over and take the blame, rather than meeting me head on and working toward solutions. I think it is way too early to make any real opinion but it is on my mind.

Thoughts? I realize this may be hard to judge, without knowing the back story. So if necessary i will type it out.

[amy40]

? "whatever it is I did that was wrong".
.

Has he been married before or a little bit older?

Because that sounds exactly what a married man would say to keep the peace. Or a man who thinks he did nothing wrong in his eyes but says that to keep peace.

[atskitty2]

yes, that's what I thought.

[Ashlee T.]

I'm playing the devils advocate here, but I don't always think an apology like that is passive or rolling over so to speak. Sometimes, it takes a very mature and grounded person to say "I'm not really sure exactly what went wrong, but I'm sorry that it did." as a way to clean the slate and start new. That is how I interpreted what he said. But, I wasn't there to see his demeanor when he said it so I could be wrong.

[atskitty2]

I can also agree with you BD. In thinking more, I don't necessarily think it is a bad thing, just something to think about, as I get to know him.

[DreamP346]

I agree with BD. I am a very emotionally closed, non-confrontational person. Apologizing like that to a person I had already broken it off with and didn't have a clear go ahead to rekindle would be a huge effort. And trust me, nobody would ever, in a million years call me passive or rolling over.