Dating again... Again

[atskitty2]

Friday I met a guy I'd met online. We'd been chatting for a couple weeks and he is a really good guy. In person, no attraction. He was probably 50 pounds heavier than his picture portrayed. I probably wouldn't have minded, but the misleading pics are just a turn off. He isn't into diet and health as he'd led me to believe. He is interested but not living it.

That was the first date I had been on since January I think.

So with the changes coming up, I decided to wait and "shop for men" in my new city.

I admit, I'm really discouraged about ever finding a partner again. I'm attractive, and I get attention from some great men, but keeping that attention is difficult. It seems when I explain the sometimes limiting effects of my illness, my diet and lifestyle, they start moving away from me.
I think I have a great attitude toward all this. It is controlled mostly and it is not often any more that I am laid up in bed.
I have fought hard to have a good day to day life and I am not sure why that's so scary.
I think it's fair to share this major part of my life early on, when we are about to meet-or is it? Should I wait? Since it doesn't affect them too much that early, should I just keep quiet?

Sort of the evolutionary process... People look for strength in a mate. Sign of illness or disease is a turn off right? Weakness is bad.
Any thoughts?

[Lithium]

I don't know if I got your post right but...
You mention your lifestyle, health, etc and it reminds me of something... Do you jump into "I am vegan" subjects once in a date? There are subjects that really doesn't matter for some people and some of them like them to be a big thing and sometimes it might scare away people.
For instance... I would not care about a partner food choices, I respect vegans, whatever but... it would be weird and starting to scare me away if a first date would bring up that he/she is vegan, how good it is, that everyone should be like that, etc etc... just like I would be scared away from someone bragging about religion choices...
Or, even something that might seem ok for some like going into a date like "I want kids, I feel like I am prepared and I want them in a year. How do you think our babies would be like?"... would scare away some.

About the guy you dated, some people also try not to seem really worried about their weight not because they aren't but because a talking about "Oh im so fat" might drive away people, might seem way too "poor me", etc so, breaking the ice they tend not to seem too interested.

I think online dating is not bad (for those who think online dating only brings weirdos or liars). But careful where you find the person. Some websites are like going into a brothel for finding love.

[amy40]

Meredith's viera's husband told her about his MS on second date (according to 5 fast facts article)
they are still married, I believe

as far as weight, my husband was overweight and I was super stick skinny
he was not my type at all

[Ashlee T.]

I'm glad to see you're putting yourself out there again, even though this one didn't turn out so great. The experience itself counts for something. I think online dating must be so difficult, because it truly is so easy for people to lie online to be who they want to be, not who they are.

-When you ARE interested, do you think you get involved too hard and too fast?

-Do you think that you talk too much about your illness too soon? I sort of think the first date or two is too soon to share those kind of details about yourself. Mainly because that illness doesn't define you anymore. Like you said, your really bad days are few now thanks to your health and lifestyle changes, so why let that be a defining thing about you? Please don't take this as me minimizing your illness (100% not the intent), but let's say that I had chronic migraines that periodically left me laid up in bed for a couple days. Should that be something I share with someone on the first couple dates? Let them get to know YOU first, not the illness.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I agree with Beautiful Disaster. I'd avoid talk about your illness until further in the relationship. Just keep things light and leave the heavy stuff for later. Risk dating men who don't look so good on the packet. Be yourself, though and just give guys who aren't perfect a chance: you never know just how wonderful that man could be for you.

[DreamP346]

When I was dating (way back), I was always looking for a good time: fun activities, sex, etc. Emotional relationships were not the goal. Because of that, I didn't get into the personal stuff. If I had an illness, I never would have mentioned it. Kids, family, religion, etc would all have been off the table. I ended up in various relationships because fun times ending up becoming more. Maybe try that approach. To hear about somebody's shortcomings before I even like them is a little too overwhelming and for a person like me, a little too intimate. It would have scared me off. And think about it, these people are looking at multiple other profiles online. If there is another person without the illness to chose from, what do you think they will do?

[atskitty2]

Thanks for all the feedback so far.

*Lithium
My lifestyle does enter the conversation early, because it is my lifestyle
They ask what I do after work; exercise, I water my plants and cook... And they ask what I cook... So it just evolves in the discussion. I don't wear my dietary choices on my forehead, but it comes up, again when discussing where to meet...
Eventually they ask or say something about my odd choices. So, rather than let them believe I'm just into weird stuff, I explain why I eat the way I do and how I have been helped through diet change .

Friday night, I ordered a side salad with no dressing and side of Steamed vegetables. That was it. That was the only thing on the menu that I felt was remotely healthy by my standard. He said that he'd never seen anyone do that. I realize it's different from what most do...

So, I am not sure how I could not make this part of the discussion. I ordered, he commented. In my mind, most of the time, it's the other people making it something to talk about. I do what I need to do. People notice and make a big deal about it, whether at work or in my own social life. I don't ask anyone to eat my way, tho I'm happy to share my thoughts when they do bring it up and show interest in it.

I don't insist on going to restaurants that have ample menu items that I can eat. I really try to minimize the impact on anyone else. I often go places that I know will have few to no choices, so that everyone else will be able to enjoy their meals.

At the same time, my preparation at home and shopping for food is a big part of my day... So, it is part of the conversation in early stages of dating.
I'm not vegan, and there really isn't a label. I try to eat highly nutritious foods, anti-inflammatory foods.

Idk how to leave out this huge part of my life.

[atskitty2]

Amy, it's more the fact that he misrepresented himself than it was that he was overweight. I have dated heavier men who are not in the gym or eating healthy. That is something I can work with.

Basically lying is not.

[atskitty2]

BD, I will refer you to some of what I responded to lithium above. How do I NOT mention it? As much as it doesn't define me, it does impact my daily life still. Every day I have to recommit myself to living this way or I DO see changes. 2 wks ago, My Lab work results show that the disease is NOT in remission. I'm simply controlling symptoms. I have not beat this thing yet. I am still fighting every day to keep up this quality of life. and **** proud of it. Lol

So, I guess my approach has been to, explain first why I may need to have a special moment later. I'd rather they know early that, I am a special needs gal! Lol

I'm being dramatic there to demonstrate that I don't want to be perceived as misleading, as I so often think men are with me.

As to your other question, I think I have been at times, but not usually. In looking back, I think the times I have been genuinely impressed with someone and fully interested, it's been such a shock and I've been so glad to have someone to get to know, it's excited me.

Since I became sick, I feel my whole approach to dating changed. I'd be surprised if that happened now-that I got too involved or interested until much Later in the development. I simply have too much else to do with taking care of myself.

Does that make any sense?

[atskitty2]

SP I'm not looking for just a good time.
I decided to take a more lighthearted approach to meeting men, and it got me into a bad situation last winter. I'm not sure that's the best path for me. I know it doesn't mean that will always happen, but, I'm not too sure that's the choice for me.

I am looking for a committed steady relationship eventually. Doesn't mean that I think everything has to become that, but men that aren't even seeking the same, are not going to be changing their minds either.

I do see your point about not disclosing intimate details, and I have thought about it before. As I said in other posts, I'd rather be up front rather than be misleading about what my life is like.

I'm gathering, though, that maybe that belief of mine can be reevaluated based on all your opinions. Maybe I do need to save it for later. The diet i can't hide, but I could hold off on the reason for it.

I hope to hear from our male population too

[Lithium]

Ok atskitty2 I understood now. I was getting the picture all wrong.
Then, if its not that personal, which disease do you have? I have my own baggage of health problems but it never hold me back when it comes to dating.
I saw a show once about people with problems (physical or mental) which made they're dating life difficult. Well... me and my partner both had the same feeling for 90% of them: the problem was not they're physical or mental disabilities but the fact they were making it a bigger issue than it was and the biggest problem in the end was they're attitude. I bet this is not you're situation also, I just remembered this show. One girl there was way too picky, way too annoying (t´her attitude was awful towards daily normal things) and yeah... weird shows nowadays

Anyway... maybe you just didn't found someone that was worth your time at all? Because I don't think someone really interested in you will be cringed because you choose a salad in a pizza or burger place hehe

[amy40]

I'm being dramatic there to demonstrate that I don't want to be perceived as misleading, as I so often think men are with me.

kitty, did he ask you out again or did you already tell him you weren't interested?
in your post you said "he is a really good guy"

know you think he was misleading by the picture but I bet 99.9% of people put their best pics out there even if a picture was taken 5 yrs ago and maybe his was, but if everyone put what exactly they looked like, including women without hair and makeup perfect, would anyone date?

[amy40]

Kitty, are you looking for someone you may not find?
I remember a post of yours before where you thought you'd have found someone by now

[amy40]

tried to add to last post but forum will not let me add to posts anymore, frustrating

wanted to add, that I only posted last post because I remember a post of yours from before that you thought you would have found someone by now

kitty, do you think you have more checklists now than dating in your younger years?
is it possible you have more checklists because of your former spouse?

[atskitty2]

Amy, as I said before, misleading me, lying basically is what I have a problem with, not that he was heavy. He didn't tell me he had gained 50 pounds since those pics... He could have. He realized it because he mentioned it on the date, that he's changed a lot since those pics were taken.
Then change the pics dude... I didn't even recognize him when I walked up, and that's what sparked the conversation on that. I went thru the date. I didn't write him off, just for that. But yeah, it leaves a bitter taste from the first moment

I just cut my hair a few months ago, and I took new pictures to post. I don't look like I did 4 months ago. And yes for what it's worth, I actually do post pics of me in everyday life. Not made up any more than I am for work, no special occasion pictures. I genuinely do try to give a realistic impression of my appearance. I would prefer a man see me and say wow, you look even better than the pics, than to gain their interest based on smth unrealistic.

Online dating is full of this stuff. It's happened too many times to remember. I don't gain respect for anyone right away if they have no pride or confidence in themselves to be up front. If they don't accept themselves at 50# overweight, why should I?

I don't think my expectations are out of line, I really don't. I've mulled this over with trusted friends that I could share more details with and that know me. My own "truthtellers" have actually told me just the opposite, that the men I have dated for awhile, and been interested in, were far beneath the goals I should have. If that makes sense. I think they'd support me but they thought I should keep looking.

Yes, of course I have more to look out for since being married. There are things that I wouldn't tolerate again and if I recognized the patterns, that'd be a deal breaker for me. Thankfully I don't think a lot of men have those issues.