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Dating again... Again

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  • Lithium, they haven't put a name on it yet. Unfortunately. I have one of those illusive autoimmune diseases. None of the specific tests come back positive. One doc strongly suspects lupus, the other seems to be convinced that it is sjogrens syndrome.

    I have evaluated myself for the past year or so and wondered about what you said. I don't think I have made it too big a deal. I looked around at work at the people who knew, and realized most didn't know, unless they worked with me at the time I was out for 6 wks. One girl mentioned her specific dietary needs so I joined that conversation. She has crohns.

    Thinking about the discussions with friends, they generally ask if there has been a diagnosis made, but it isn't a lengthy discussion. I often do feel I NEED to vent about it tho and have nobody to confide in. It is still a daily battle, though much less so than a year ago. So I don't think I'm one of those who makes every effort to discuss what is going on with my life. I really don't want to be defined by it, as BD and I were discussing. It is a big part of my life tho, and likely always will be at this point. So it's hard to not have some mention of it from time to time if we spend any time together at all.

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    • Oh, and whomever asked, yes the guy from Friday wanted to see me again the following evening. I told him there was really no deeper interest for me.

      I have disabled the app for now.

      I have plenty to keep me busy over the next few weeks. In my new city, there will be a new crop of eligible men from a much larger area to choose from. Lol.
      I'm going to a city quite a bit larger than here, with a much better cultural background as well. I'm excited to perhaps meet some new people and explore the city from a locals' perspective. They should know all the best places to see, not just the touristy attractions.

      Comment


      • Oh... And a "fun" part of dating is the chronic hives. I have had them mostly under control, but take zyrtec when they flare up for more than a few hours.

        These itchy hives are a nightmare. No kidding, they can get so bad that I can't think about anything else. They come randomly. Often it is just an hour or so and then they fade. I try not to medicate every flare up, as they do subside on their own.

        I was on a date once and hadn't had a flare-up so I didn't come prepared. I hadnt taken medication to prevent. They hit hard and fast sometimes, and that happened as we were strolling the mall. Lol. The date was going well and I didn't want to look like a raging lunatic by scratching my body from arms to feet... But the itch and irritation were just overwhelming for me. I tried not to be too insistent but asked if he would mind if I ran to the pharmacy down the street... Ofc he didn't, but asked if I could explain what was wrong suddenly. I said that I have chronic hives and need zyrtec quickly or I'll be miserable for hours. He politely ended the date and I never heard from him again. All I cared about in that moment was to stop the itching and burning and prevent him from seeing the rash that comes out... Lol

        Maybe had I explained ahead that I have an autoimmune problem, that I have some odd symptoms sometimes, he wouldn't have been so taken aback by my sudden change in demeanor.

        It's a funny memory. One for the book I really need to write about my dating follies. Lol.
        Seriously. The craziness of it had me laughing a few days later. Would love to know what that man thought was wrong with me... Lol

        I remember that from last summer because I'm having hives this morning. Was one of the first dates I think, after I had been so sick. I think that was part of why I started sharing the info sooner rather than later.

        Anyway, picture it... It was pretty funny looking back.

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        • My past dating style is definitely not for all. When I was dating, eating a meal together was something that only happened after several other dates, maybe even sex. The first few dates were more about going to a bar or going dancing. Again, focus on the fun part. Once we already developed a rapport together and wanted to spend more time together, we would do dinner which lead to sitting and talking. Again, something that worked for me. Just another option to think about.
          Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

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          • SP, I went out dancing a few weeks ago. It was great fun. My one friend and I will go usually once or twice a year. I gave my number to a couple of young men that were interested and seemed fun and intelligent. They were in their 20's. I texted with them a few days afterward. They really only wanna sleep with the older women, to say that they did.
            Most of the time the young guys will be up front about it, if asked. And the one, I did ask.

            Not my idea of fun. I admit it is flattering to have the attention of men that age, or men of any age quite honestly. It is a ego punch for me, I freely admit that. I guess I use them for that, as much as they want to use me for sex...?
            I don't approach them, they come to me, but yeah, that sort of superficial thing is not the foundation I want to lay. Doesn't mean I expect to be committed by the second date, but if we aren't looking for the same type of relationship, it's a pretty safe bet that I won't find what I'm looking for in that person.

            I do get what you're saying tho. I do think that I need to refocus a bit, and make fun times and enjoying myself the main idea. Maybe a committed relationship is not what my goal should be... Maybe that's part of my problem.


            Thanks again for reading and contributing everyone. I'm sort of thinking out loud... A process in my mind right now, and I have typed a novel.

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            • This just my personal opinion (not an expert), but I've found that when people are trying really hard to get something (relationship, marriage, pregnancy) is when it becomes harder to get. When people just relax and take a more lax attitude and tell themselves that having fun is more important, they seem to achieve their goals. Maybe the person doesn't come off as desperately seeking a relationship or maybe they are more comfortable being themselves instead of putting up a perfect image, they become more attractive. Again just an opinion.

              Also, having fun doesn't necessarily mean casual sex. To me, it means being friends and having a good time together without making a commitment and talking long term. Kind of like continually dating somebody.

              Again, just a different perspective.
              Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

              Comment


              • Originally posted by amy40 View Post
                know you think he was misleading by the picture but I bet 99.9% of people put their best pics out there even if a picture was taken 5 yrs ago and maybe his was, but if everyone put what exactly they looked like, including women without hair and makeup perfect, would anyone date?
                That would be something, requiring a dating site photo of someone without any grooming, such as just after waking up. Ha, that's what you'll get if you sleep over more than a few times.
                I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                ...
                Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                Comment


                • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                  BD, I will refer you to some of what I responded to lithium above. How do I NOT mention it? As much as it doesn't define me, it does impact my daily life still. Every day I have to recommit myself to living this way or I DO see changes. 2 wks ago, My Lab work results show that the disease is NOT in remission. I'm simply controlling symptoms. I have not beat this thing yet. I am still fighting every day to keep up this quality of life. and ******** proud of it. Lol

                  So, I guess my approach has been to, explain first why I may need to have a special moment later. I'd rather they know early that, I am a special needs gal! Lol

                  I'm being dramatic there to demonstrate that I don't want to be perceived as misleading, as I so often think men are with me.

                  As to your other question, I think I have been at times, but not usually. In looking back, I think the times I have been genuinely impressed with someone and fully interested, it's been such a shock and I've been so glad to have someone to get to know, it's excited me.

                  Since I became sick, I feel my whole approach to dating changed. I'd be surprised if that happened now-that I got too involved or interested until much Later in the development. I simply have too much else to do with taking care of myself.

                  Does that make any sense?
                  It makes perfect sense. I completely understand WHY you want to share that information and I don't blame you for that. BUT (isn't there always one? ), the disease, albeit present, is not keeping you from living a relatively normal life. There are lots and lots of things that could be "wrong" with a person that could negatively impact a relationship down the road. Let's say that someone is a recovering drug addict and maybe they've been in recovery for years, live a relatively normal life, but sometimes concessions have to be made in a relationship to accommodate that recovery. Telling that to someone on the first date would scare most people off. There would be nothing wrong with waiting, seeing if there is genuine interest/chemistry, and then having that discussion a bit down the road. If it scares the person off, then so be it.

                  Where food is concerned and how it leads into health issues, I don't see why it has to. "The healthier I eat, the better I feel." is a suitable response and in my opinion, deserves no further explanation. For example, if I had IBS (I don't, thankfully) and had certain food choices and someone I was on the first date or two with mentioned my eating choices, I'd not reveal my IBS. I'd rather not give my date images of me having the squirts. :-D

                  I just think someone needs the opportunity to see YOU for you. Let them see your beauty, your energy, your ability to have fun, your ability to live a normal life, and THEN when they find out about your illness they'll think "Dang...that sucks...but it doesn't seem to be stopping her." It has to be up to you though. If revealing that right off the bat is important to you and something you WANT to do, then you'll just have to accept the ramifications are what they are.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by Beautiful Disaster View Post
                    I just think someone needs the opportunity to see YOU for you. Let them see your beauty, your energy, your ability to have fun, your ability to live a normal life, and THEN when they find out about your illness they'll think "Dang...that sucks...but it doesn't seem to be stopping her."
                    agree
                    am always amazed, kitty, how you manage to work so many hrs, and keep a house, and two dogs


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                    • This is why I came to you all for feedback on this.

                      SP I don't think I'm desperate, as I seem to come across here and as you seem to perceive me. I have taken many hiatuses from dating... It's hardly been a priority. But I have a sort of purposeful dating idea in mind. THAT is what I sort of think I need to change, and I agree with you on that. So I'm glad you did bring that into the discussion, as I maybe hadn't realized the link between the two. (sharing personal info and being too goal minded)

                      And BD that is what I'm sensing I need to stop, I agree. This is why I came to you all. I have had advice from friends, male friends and family, that have advised me to take this approach of having the end product in mind from the start. Goal oriented dating. While they're all well meaning, I'm really beginning to think I'm approaching dating, and maybe life, all wrong the past few years.

                      I think the new job, the new city and a new life is a real opportunity for me to make some needed changes.

                      Amy I don't work near the hours I used to. I cut back greatly after I became ill, and my focus shifted from being so focused on work. I think I only logged 78 hrs the last 2 wks.

                      I feel such a relief. I think getting out of this stressful job will allow me to reacquaint myself with me. I haven't always been such a stick in the mud.

                      When a colleague learned I was leaving, she invited me to dinner. She was so happy for me, citing those who have left our professional environment and discovered so much of their lives had slipped away. She revealed that she too, was entertaining the idea of settling into another facet of our field, less demanding and stressful. She validated all my reasons, and told me of others that saved their marriages, by the personality changes that occur when we stop giving our life to this job. She hugged me so tight... It was so odd, as we are not that close at work. It was so meaningful for me.

                      Solidified my belief that major changes are to come. I will be working on just relaxing. Lol. Sounds so silly.

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by atskitty2 View Post
                        When a colleague learned I was leaving, she invited me to dinner. She was so happy for me, citing those who have left our professional environment and discovered so much of their lives had slipped away. She revealed that she too, was entertaining the idea of settling into another facet of our field, less demanding and stressful. She validated all my reasons, and told me of others that saved their marriages, by the personality changes that occur when we stop giving our life to this job. She hugged me so tight... It was so odd, as we are not that close at work. It was so meaningful for me.
                        Maybe she was really asking your permission to make the jump, too. She found out if your circumstances were close to hers. In return, she gave you information on what had happened with others in similar circumstances. The hugging tightly was because she felt you were sisters in a way, having gone through the same battle at the same time.

                        Best wishes on the new job!
                        I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
                        ...
                        Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

                        From a speech by Patrick Henry on March 23, 1775 at St. John's Church, Richmond, Virginia

                        Comment


                        • BD's comment said exactly what I was thinking. It's being dishonest to withhold information from people who are entitled to it. Someone you've been on two dates with is not entitled to your full medical history. Put your best foot forward. People respect and appreciate that and won't mistake it for deception. It's not. It's just being smart.

                          sp, also has a point (minus the promiscuity) about being too goal-oriented. In my culture, dating means you're ready to get married immediately. But discretion, care, and not rushing things is still highly prized.

                          On a side note, have you seen fat, sick, and nearly dead? The hives reminded me of that documentary.
                          "Those sowing seed with tears
                          Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126

                          Comment


                          • our kid had hives a couple times, head to toe
                            we finally figured it was the dog's bed as kid would roll around in it; just too much dog dander

                            we got new dog bed and convinced kid to stay off it so no more hives

                            kitty, do you let your dogs sleep on your bed?




                            ​​​

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                            • Hang in there, you'll find someone. I think the problem with something like online dating is it allows a person to judge someone mostly on their appearance while meeting someone in person adds some many more factors to an attraction such as personality, voice, etc.

                              Comment


                              • I didn't mean to imply you are desperate. It's just an impression people can get especially when you are goal oriented. I'm guessing you want to weed out the people who don't meet your criteria right off the bat so you don't waste any time. But that may come off as trying too hard from the other person's perspective.

                                Think of it this way, regardless of whether there will be a second date or not, try to have fun at this date. Make that the goal so when the date ends, you don't feel like you just lost 3 hours of your life you want back.
                                Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose - Kris Kristofferson and Fred Foster (sung by Janis Joplin)

                                Comment

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