open marriage and cheating

[atskitty2]

I have an acquaintance that's in an open marriage. He's asked me out before and I declined.

On the dating sites, it's pretty common to see men with a profile stating open marriage, and sometimes just stating married and looking for side action. I appreciate that they're making the statement up front, because it isn't something I want to get involved in.

My girlfriend is in a weird relationship with a man that I'm fairly certain is either married or has a steady girlfriend, based on what she's told me.

Would you knowingly get involved in these relationships? Why or why not?
If you are married and unhappy, would you take this approach? Would you have an open marriage?

It's really had me thinking, and I guess my opinions are changing on this subject.

[amy40]

I once said to husband, maybe I should have an affair because I was so upset about not having sex
that was very unkind for me to say that
but I would not cheat on my husband

[Claret]

Interesting question, my only question would be is this a case of serial monogamy where it is a longer term relationship with the second person or would it just be a license to have multiple affairs as long as there is no commitment to the other person? It would also, for me, depend upon what the circumstances were of meeting this other person.

I don't think I would and haven't. Not for lack of opportunity, just it wouldn't have gained me anything that I didn't already have.

[atskitty2]

I think the thing that has struck me and really had me thinking was, the one couple is young, newly married. I've talked to this young man for several years now, and was surprised that he asked me out again awhile back, well after he was married.

We went out once a long time ago, and stayed in touch all this time, just chatting occasionally.

I talked to him about it, asked some pretty personal questions and was pretty surprised by some of his answers. They married and shortly after decided to open it up for the satisfaction of both. He's a well educated young man and his wife just got into med school, so these are two ambitious, busy, hard working people. Not sure when they have time for this...lol He told me that they married because each provided for needs in the way of family life, but not all their needs could be met in their relationship. He said their outside relationships may or may not include sexual related activities, but sometimes. They married only a few months after meeting.

I told him that I would have thought that a person would just keep looking for the person who filled the major needs in your life. He explained that it was unreasonable to expect one person to satisfy all that.
He explained their commitment, their kids first, etc. They are open to a permanent third party also.

I guess I had the idea that people opened up marriages after years of trying, and had enough positive things to keep them married, but were seeking to fill some other needs. I knew, of course, that there were polyamorous, etc....but I had no idea it was so prevalent.
I didn't realise that many are going into it as an open relationship.

Makes me wonder if my dating with a purpose is the best approach. maybe it is unreasonable to think that one person can be enough, at my place in life. I'm 45, and while I don't consider myself high maintenance, I do have standards and expectations.

I can't see myself doing this, but perhaps I should open up to the possibilities these lifestyles can bring.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I would not get involved with a man in an open marriage. It would just be a messy situation. I also would not cheat on a boyfriend or go with a married man: no matter how attractive or sexy he was. I don't steal husbands. He'd have to end the relationship first, before I got with him. However, I can understand the motivation behind such things: there is passion and excitement and all those other emotions some people thrive on. There are serial cheaters but I do not agree with their actions. Liars don't impress me. I'd say if there is real attraction and passion, it's difficult to hold back, but in the case of an established relationship, that is what needs to be done.

[Sunlight72]

Hi atskitty2 - I think this is an interesting question too. It's been somewhere in the back of my mind for a few years I guess.

I'm a 45 year old man. I have only ever been unattached (and no fooling around), or monogamous.

For the first time in my life, for the 6 months or so (not that long, I know) since I broke up after an 18 month relationship, I am not feeling any thrill to be in another relationship.

I'm on a couple of dating websites, because I do enjoy being in a relationship, and love women. However, the more I think about what people our age want and expect in a relationship, the more I say to myself, "these women want a man to take on a time-and-a-half job to do it all their way, on their time, and be on notice that the man had best not ask for time off." It's leaving me tepid to the whole idea.

Recently a woman friend of mine was telling me she "couldn't believe this mutual acquaintance is 'settling' for so little! She is 'dating' a man in a city nearby - hardly ever sees him! And he's married! He's mormon, and his wife knows about this acquaintance, and invites her to that couple's children's sporting and school functions, and introduces her as the husband's 'friend'!"

My friend says, "Can you believe she does that!?! Doesn't she think she's worth any more than that!?!" This acquaintance is model-beautiful, and fairly successful in her own business.

So, what was interesting to me is that my internal reaction was that I breathed a relaxing breath and found myself thinking - that's what I need. I need a relationship with a woman who is not depending on me to fulfill her every dream, her every whim, her every want. Someone that has their own life going, and we just get to share some good times together - dates, trips, massages, sex, affection and caring. ... and I get some time off for good behavoir (ha) to live my life too.

Not an obligation to report for duty every day after work. Not someone who's life revolves around me. I'm not even jealous at the thought that she would have another boyfriend/lover. In fact, good! He can absorb some of her daily care and feeding too. Between the two of us guys, maybe she'll be talked out, fed and watered, and I'll still have two or three nights to read a book, call my parents, do some volunteer work, play the piano, or just not have to perform for someone.

It's a new impression, and I don't know what will come of it.

So - I hear you atskitty2!

I've got a woman friend from high school days who is now polyamorous, and though I don't want multiple girlfriends, I can imagine having a girlfriend who had (an)other boyfriend(s), and lets me live my life.

Weird, huh? Ha!

[amy40]

Interesting post and welcome back to posting Sunlight72

[amy40]

Not someone who's life revolves around me.

I was recently alone for 5 days, no husband, no child, no dog

it took me until day 4 to feel totally destressed and enjoy being alone to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted
I really enjoyed day 4 and 5

[atskitty2]

Jus' call me kitty

Sunlight, what strikes me about your post, is how it seems that you were kind of exhausted by these previous relationships. That you felt the partner was too reliant and dependent on you, and you had less give from their side. Had you made your need for some space known to that partner, or did you not realise that you needed it at the time?

I don't know that I would ever actually take this step, but I'm just learning that I can simply stay open to the possibilities. I certainly wouldn't seek it, but I wouldn't necessarily close the door to the possibility of it, as I once would've.

I have met a nice guy and have spent a little time with him over the past few weeks. Lunches and last night we went out for an evening, sort of an actual date.
Dating is hard at our age. He lives an hour away from me, but so far it's worth the effort.

[a_dub]

Jus' call me kitty

Sunlight, what strikes me about your post, is how it seems that you were kind of exhausted by these previous relationships. That you felt the partner was too reliant and dependent on you, and you had less give from their side. Had you made your need for some space known to that partner, or did you not realise that you needed it at the time?

I don't know that I would ever actually take this step, but I'm just learning that I can simply stay open to the possibilities. I certainly wouldn't seek it, but I wouldn't necessarily close the door to the possibility of it, as I once would've.

I have met a nice guy and have spent a little time with him over the past few weeks. Lunches and last night we went out for an evening, sort of an actual date.
Dating is hard at our age. He lives an hour away from me, but so far it's worth the effort.

Kitty would you ever consider dating a man a fair bit younger than you?

I would imagine there are plenty of singles in the 40s and 50s and 60s...people who are either divorced or widowed. I think the slimmest odds are in the 25-35 age range as most are either married or in LTRs already. Toughest to find singles in that age range I would imagine.

[atskitty2]

Adub, I have dated both older and younger than myself. Age isn't really something that I consider near the top of importance.

What I've found is that men my own age are often divorced and not interested in getting back into a relationship. It seems many want to be playing around again or enjoying a playboy lifestyle, that maybe they didn't get to have earlier.
Nothing wrong with that, but it does make it difficult to find a serious man.

The men I've met in their 30's typically if they do want to be in a serious relationship, they are ready to have kids and that's not where I am now. Or its the other extreme, and they are still wanting to go from girl to girl, and aren't looking for a relationship with any substance.

[Stillness]

No, for me.

An open marriage is not marriage to me. I don't get the point. I'd either just be single and celibate or married.

[a_dub]

Adub, I have dated both older and younger than myself. Age isn't really something that I consider near the top of importance.

What I've found is that men my own age are often divorced and not interested in getting back into a relationship. It seems many want to be playing around again or enjoying a playboy lifestyle, that maybe they didn't get to have earlier.
Nothing wrong with that, but it does make it difficult to find a serious man.

The men I've met in their 30's typically if they do want to be in a serious relationship, they are ready to have kids and that's not where I am now. Or its the other extreme, and they are still wanting to go from girl to girl, and aren't looking for a relationship with any substance.

I see. Hard to find that happy medium. I feel ya...I'm in the same boat. I'm 34 but would really prefer not to have any kids. At least not in the next 5 years. Then again maybe not ever.

[amy40]

I'm 34 but would really prefer not to have any kids. At least not in the next 5 years. Then again maybe not ever.

it must be difficult to find a woman in her late 20's to 30's to date who doesn't want kids

[TrapQueen]

If I'm married, or even if I'm just in a relationship without marriage, I wouldn't think of cheating. If sex is the problem, I might as well tell my partner that we should fix it. That's my take.