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Help with a dating a molestation victim...

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  • Help with a dating a molestation victim...

    I'm a male with a female girlfriend, she's 18 and I'm 19. We've been dating for 5 months and I've known her for two years, and she's currently living 600 miles away, finishing up school so she can move in with me. For the entirety of our relationship we have been doing the long-distance thing, but we've managed to see each other every month, be it flyng or driving to see each other.
    She has only had sex with one other guy before me, and she was my first. A few weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me: that she had been molested at the age of 11 by a 17 year old guy. She hasn't told me all of the details, but I do know that he held her down and touched her. He left bruises on her arms and legs where he held her down. I was livid when she told me, and I felt like a part of me died when she told me what had happened. Last night she broke down into tears because she had a dream of the incident and she also told me she was worried that I would leave her after using her sexually, which I told her was horrible and would never do. She told me later that she didn't mean it, she just wanted to hear me say that I wouldn't.
    What I'm asking is how do I help her overcome this? She likes it when we have sex, but the next time we see each other I'll feel guilty, like I'm using her. How do I stop feeling guilty? What should I do/not do in bed? What should I do to help her get over those terrible memories?

    She's moving down with me in about two and a half weeks, and she plans to tell me everything that happened tonight on the phone. It'll be gruesome, but I think it should help her if she talks about it and lets it out, starting the healing process.

  • Originally posted by Ronin View Post
    I'm a male with a female girlfriend, she's 18 and I'm 19. We've been dating for 5 months and I've known her for two years, and she's currently living 600 miles away, finishing up school so she can move in with me. For the entirety of our relationship we have been doing the long-distance thing, but we've managed to see each other every month, be it flyng or driving to see each other.
    She has only had sex with one other guy before me, and she was my first. A few weeks ago she dropped a bomb on me: that she had been molested at the age of 11 by a 17 year old guy. She hasn't told me all of the details, but I do know that he held her down and touched her. He left bruises on her arms and legs where he held her down. I was livid when she told me, and I felt like a part of me died when she told me what had happened. Last night she broke down into tears because she had a dream of the incident and she also told me she was worried that I would leave her after using her sexually, which I told her was horrible and would never do. She told me later that she didn't mean it, she just wanted to hear me say that I wouldn't.
    What I'm asking is how do I help her overcome this? She likes it when we have sex, but the next time we see each other I'll feel guilty, like I'm using her. How do I stop feeling guilty? What should I do/not do in bed? What should I do to help her get over those terrible memories?

    She's moving down with me in about two and a half weeks, and she plans to tell me everything that happened tonight on the phone. It'll be gruesome, but I think it should help her if she talks about it and lets it out, starting the healing process.
    It's fantastic that you have that empathy but i don't believe that she is asking for it, rather re-assurance. She has opened up and told you an inner secret out of trust and faith in your relationship. The will and desire to be open and honest with you and needs only, your love and support, knowing you are there and loving. The last thing she wants is to feel rejection or used so she is checking and will keep checking until she feels safe, that this is real... You do not have to feel guilty, nor wonder what to do in bed, what you do have to do is touch her face, smile and kiss her lips, put your arms around her waist when she's at the sink doing dishes, with nothing in mind, other than that touch, intimacy, kiss her on the neck and walk away.

    Absolutely, she needs to get it out, needs to know you are there so she can move forward with you.

    Listen to her, tell her you love her and wished it never happened to her but you are there for her anytime she feels down about it, your there, and that you wish you could hold her right then....

    She has strong feelings for you otherwise, she would not even open that door trust me.

    Just be there, in a loving way, and when you have sex, don't think about it, but spend considerable amount of time kissing her and at the end, holding her....


    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

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    • Thank you so much CW!
      It turns out that she didn't want to tell me on the phone because she wanted to tell me in person and for us to make love right after so she will know that I'm still okay with making love to her, which makes sense.

      I get to see her in two weeks from Saturday, so I'm excited and relived that she's been happy for the past few days, and I can't wait to kiss her at the airport and show her that I am there for here and will always be there for her.

      Comment


      • I'm so pleased for you.

        So, we have something in common, i meet my guy at the airport in two weeks as well and wait to do all of the "above"

        Never stop loving, it's a great feeling hey...

        CW
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • Hehe
          Good luck with him. I hope he's good to you and treats you right!
          We both have to report back here in two weeks and talk about how it went.

          Thank you very much with all the help. It means a lot to me, and it makes me confident with handling the situation when it come up. I miss her so much and I just want to be with her to comfort her. For the past few days she's been very happy, which never happens this time of year for her, as the 1st of June is the anniversary of the incident.

          Honestly, I'm very happy that she's happy, but I can't stop myself from wanting to torture and kill the guy who did that to her. As long as I don't think about it, it doesn't affect me, but after she tells me I might be really mad, and I don't want to upset her with my reaction. Maybe I should listen to her when she tells me, and deal with it later on?

          Comment


          • Originally posted by Ronin View Post
            Hehe
            Good luck with him. I hope he's good to you and treats you right!
            We both have to report back here in two weeks and talk about how it went.

            Thank you very much with all the help. It means a lot to me, and it makes me confident with handling the situation when it come up. I miss her so much and I just want to be with her to comfort her. For the past few days she's been very happy, which never happens this time of year for her, as the 1st of June is the anniversary of the incident.

            Honestly, I'm very happy that she's happy, but I can't stop myself from wanting to torture and kill the guy who did that to her. As long as I don't think about it, it doesn't affect me, but after she tells me I might be really mad, and I don't want to upset her with my reaction. Maybe I should listen to her when she tells me, and deal with it later on?
            hehe, he's been treating me right and i am sure will do so, more so with our time together Thanks...

            I guess firstly, as she told you and your not there to put your arms around her it hurts like buggery plus knowing it is still 2 weeks away before you can.

            If she has been happy the last few days, she has let it out, a release, but more importantly, to you and she's over the moon in how you've reacted to it, she is safe, warm and loved. Also the date will co-inside when you are with her, that has to be an extremely special thing i believe and i'm glad..

            I don't think there is a problem if you show your feelings, that you'd like to kill the bugger, that's still a form of love but perhaps make the comment with your full feelings as you are in the equation as well here and hold her, instead of stamping up and down, which i doubt that you would do but no aggression in it as such, keep it honest, but softer than perhaps you would want to.

            I think once totally out, you'll work through it much better over time, sure if you want to smash something, do it when she's not around.

            Report back? No way.... lol.

            CW
            PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

            Comment

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