Dating married man and need advice

[MariaL]

So I have been seeing someone for five months. During our third date, this man told me he was married, but was now divorcing. I believed him, however recently he went to his home country for holidays (he’s a foreigner) and then everything changed…

As soon as his plane landed, he cut nearly all contact with me and would reply to my messages quite irregularly, sometimes disappearing for 2-3 days. Also, during this holiday he sent me selfies from some family gathering, in which his wedding ring was back on! He says this was just to pretend in front of some relatives that his relationship with wife is okay, as he is not ready to tell everyone about the divorce just yet.

Now he is back and keeps seeing me, but he is also contacting his wife via whatsapp and messenger very often, sometimes even during our dates. I have no idea what they talk about as I don’t understand their language, plus his phone is password protected and never left alone with me. Sometimes he receives calls from her, but never picks up the phone when I am present, or he just goes to toilet with the phone in his hand… Also, I secretly checked their facebook and saw that their accounts are still full of photos of them together, those from their wedding and many other lovey-dovey ones… It seems he is not gonna delete anything even though he claims they two are now separated…

So I cannot get it, am I a girlfriend or just a mistress? My friends say there could be anything going on between them two and I will never be able to guess, but it is very likely I am a mistress… For me the whole thing feels weird and a bit creepy, but I still have some questions, maybe someone could please explain those:

1. Here in the country we both live in, we usually meet in his uncle’s and aunt’s house. If he is still in a relationship with his wife, why don’t these relatives order him to finish with my sleepovers at their home? Why don’t they inform the wife?

2. He is not hiding me from his friends and colleagues over here-how come he isn’t afraid? Someone could tell the wife, then she might come here and rip his head off…

3. His wife doesn’t need a visa to start living here. I sometimes think that maybe they have a mortgage for a flat or house back home (like many couples in committed relationships), and he came here to save money for that. If that’s the case, then why doesn’t she join him, as saving money would be much faster when two people are doing it?

This man is not telling me anything at all about his divorce or wife, his aunt and uncle are silent as well, even though they are so nice to me.

By the way, I saw on social media that he bought her quite an expensive gift not so long ago...

So what do you think: are they two still together or not? Is he a liar and cheater or genuinely divorcing and just met me during this harsh time?

[jns]

To me it doesn't sound like he is getting divorced. If in his culture it is common for men to have mistresses, his aunt and uncle may not say anything about it.

[atskitty2]

I didn't finish reading your post, but enough to get the idea.

First, does it really matter, ultimately, if he's filed for divorce yet? He's not being honest with you, or her, or...is he???
What do you want from this relationship? If you're interested in building a long term, healthy, monogamous relationship, this guy shows no evidence of pursuing that same path with you. Right?
Even if he's in the process of divorce, he's got a lot of healing to do to be ready to lay a foundation for a new romance.


My advice: move along before you get any more attached, or invested in what *might* become of the relationship. In all my years of dating, I've experienced nearly everything, this scenario included. Walk away now, and don't play the game of questions, wondering and guessing what's going on. You deserve someone free of these complications, and ready to give to you his time, his energy and commitment.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I don't know what is going on with the man. It seems weird to me, too. And I know this advice is as old as time, but it's true: walk away before you get hurt even further. I fear you are his mistress. I know that sounds awfully blunt, but - from what I can tell - it is true.

I can't explain the actions and reasoning of his relatives: it - again - seems very weird to me. The fact, too, that he's bought expensive gifts for the woman he is supposedly divorcing tells me there is no divorce. He is using you. I know that is upsetting, but I think he is.

You're obviously very uncomfortable about these circumstances. I do believe you can do so much better: with a man that isn't claiming to be divorcing. I know he is sexy and hot and all that, but his wife comes first. He'll never walk away from his wife for you. Because he hasn't yet: and I'm afraid never will. They've got a bond that can't be severed: no matter what he tells you.

Walk away and find a person who doesn't play such games with your heart.

[Claret]

They might be his relatives and he has pulled the wool over their eyes as well. He has the best of two worlds and you are providing a free ride for him. Run, don't walk away. Find someone that will commit to you only. Don't stick around, you just end up hurting more.

[Ashlee T.]

You are getting totally played and yes....you are his mistress.

It is easy to think "well...he obviously doesn't love her though, or he wouldn't be carrying on with me" but the same goes in reverse, "well...he obviously doesn't love me though, or he wouldn't be carrying on with her"

He is not trapped. He is not a victim. He has a wife in one country, and a mistress in another so that he can have his cake and eat it too, no matter where he is. He lies, compulsively, in order to achieve that. He lies to her. He lies to you. He lies to coworkers. He most likely lies to family.

And don't ever be surprised to what extent people, especially family, will go to cover for each other. Many people will turn their head and say, "I'm staying out of it."

As Claret said....run...don't walk.

[Popcorn&Candy]

I'm glad having such a culture isn't here in Britain, jns! I do realize there ARE cultures in the world that agree with mistresses and affairs and the whole palava, but I wouldn't involve myself with someone from such a culture.

[Wednesday L.F.]

This is from a while back. Anybody know if she dropped this cheating clown? I sure hope so.

[Wilder Wyatt]

I am definitely guilty of self sabotage. Years after leaving the services I am finally accepting that when things are going well I like pressing the big red button that destructs everything. I feel the most comfort in situations that are difficult. Being happy makes me feel anxious and like to press that big button when things feel too good. Which is strange because it's not in my nature whatsoever but makes it feel so more tempting because of it.

I am new to theropy so I am learning not to do it. But when you are taught to be uncomfortable in difficult situations (it's literally what being a marine is all about) it's hard to unlearn.

I also believe that the military should have an obligation not to take on confused angry individuals, but that ultimately is what makes a good soldier.

[EmptyNester]

I always wear classic or vintage if I wear a tuxedo because it's the most stylish option.

when you are dating a married man? great idea!