How is Dating Going For You During COVID and Shelter In Place?

[JonnyR]

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced a serious lull in dating during these times?

It seems that folks out there are not as engaged (online dating), don't respond or communicate, and have this sense of doom and gloom?

It still seems that people are on the apps and dating websites trying to meet others, and talk about taking the necessary precautions beforehand -- but it's just different.

There's this underlying malaise or fear, or apathy that's really been a bummer...

Has anyone else experienced this?

People talk about being lonely, being frustrated and wanting human touch, interaction and connection -- yet their actions are very much counter to those stated desires...

Just wondering what everyone else is seeing and feeling out there in the wild?

[jns]

I think a lot of people are frustrated but feel that they don't have to date for the time being. They are willing to wait for an effective vaccine. I'm pretty sure that a lot of the vibe being different is related to that.

[atskitty2]

We're discouraged from meeting with people that don't live in our homes, so, it makes sense that anyone adhering to the recommendations would be reluctant to meet new people for dating. Even though most of the guidelines are for meeting in groups of 10 or more people, some take it very seriously and stay clear of anyone they're not required to be in contact with.
I stayed away from my bf for a few weeks last Spring, as we don't live together, and I work in a hospital. It was an abundance of caution at the time, and I certainly wouldn't be dating now, if I weren't already seeing someone.

When weather permitted, a friend of mine met men outdoors for "socially distanced" dates. Now that it's cold, that's not so realistic. She also said, however, that the number of guys on the dating sites was actually more than usual. So, I think people are home, bored and surfing the sites for some virtual company.

So, you're correct that people are lonely, craving human touch and connection. Depression and mental health issues are reportedly on the rise. Yet, people aren't willing to risk a possible exposure to Covid, for an optional activity like dating. People have shifted their priorities. Dating can wait until this thing is under better control.

[jns]

This is a bit different than the 1980s and HIV. HIV was not passed to someone nearby. It was passed a number of ways, the most common was by sexual contact but IV drug use was also a leading cause. Because information came out in small bits and was sometimes incorrect, a lot of people just ignored it. People died horrible deaths but it took a while, unlike COVID-19 where you could be gone in days or weeks. A vaccine for HIV wasn't available or likely to be made anytime soon (there still isn't one but an effective treatment was found to force remission). A vaccine for SARS-CoV-2 seems to be coming soon. With these observations in mind, it is understandable that a lot of people are willing to wait out COVID-19 before getting back to active dating.

[JonnyR]

I get all of that and completely understand!

Dating was the last thing on my mind (ok, that's not true, but I had some people I was dating where we were in each other's "bubble"), but then you realize that life goes on, and every year, day, second, we're closer to leaving this earth.

This feeling, I'm sure, has been even deepened probably as a result of everything that has happened.

So if there are more people "bored" and lonely, aren't they also simultaneously also more serious about their future, their lives and meeting someone?

With all the information that is available now, we know how this thing transmits, and we can date someone virtually for a while until we meet socially distanced if we are trusting and comfortable with their protocols.

At any rate, I think what is most frustrating to me is namely why be on a dating app at all if you're simply going to ghost, make half-hearted attempts or waste what otherwise is, very precious time in our lives.

To me, if you are serious, then you're willing to find someone in any circumstance, more so in fact if that circumstance has helped you to process and reflect back upon your life in a meaningful way.

The way I see it, you're either moving forward, or you're moving on. But in the interim, don't waste other people's time.

[Emily D.]

I had been planning on starting to date around the time COVID hit, since at that time it felt like a good time in my life to do so, but now I've put that on hold. JonnyR I've also used dating apps and get frustrated with people constantly ghosting or seeming disinterested; I know a lot of people join apps for fun or join not looking for anything too serious. I'm most people don't mean to waste anyone's time, but it definitely happens.

I also think people like the idea of dating apps, especially right now, but might want to wait until they can actually meet the person/people they're speaking with in-person. As you said, though, I think it's totally possible to at least get to know someone virtually for a little bit first until you're able to meet.

[jns]

I think COVID-19 has reordered the dating process so it is now more like it was maybe 60 or 70 years ago but with a modern twist of relatively instant communications to many people. Jumping into a physical relationship is no longer as early of a step. As it was, a physical relationship may have happened before the couple even explored if they were compatible. Without a physical relationship complicating things, people dating online are working on determining if they are compatible, at least a little bit, before going to the next step. Sometimes their criteria have not been refined, so they spend a lot of time talking and later realize that the person that they were talking to doesn't check off enough of the list of requirements. Instead of explaining in another conversation, they simply ghost.

[atskitty2]

So if there are more people "bored" and lonely, aren't they also simultaneously also more serious about their future, their lives and meeting someone?

With all the information that is available now, we know how this thing transmits, and we can date someone virtually for a while until we meet socially distanced if we are trusting and comfortable with their protocols.

To me, if you are serious, then you're willing to find someone in any circumstance, more so in fact if that circumstance has helped you to process and reflect back upon your life in a meaningful way.

The way I see it, you're either moving forward, or you're moving on. But in the interim, don't waste other people's time.

JonnyR I think that for every person out there that is ready to take things a bit more seriously after Covid, there are perhaps just as many others that have realized that they **don't** want a serious relationship. I think that many want to keep a simpler life, and that may mean staying single. And, taking it to another level, there are those that will continue, even more determined, to take advantage of everyone they can find

And, the time stuck at home, bored, drives people to these apps to quell the anxiety and fear, even tho' they may have no intention, whatsoever, of ever meeting anyone. So, in that respect, it's no different than it ever was, that percentage of "surfer" is just a bit higher perhaps. People are selfish, generally speaking. They don't care if they're wasting your time, or mine. They care only to satisfy that immediate need for someone to chat with. To make them feel better. It's easy to not think of that person's feelings on the other end of the keyboard. When they're satisfied, they tap out - ghost.

I was on and off dating apps for years. In all that time, I think there were only a few men that I met that were truly looking for a long term relationship. I met a lot of nice guys, but I think very few knew what they wanted in the first place. I can't imagine it's much different now, in the middle of a pandemic. I would expect it to be worse, as the opportunists come out of the wood work, to take advantage of those other lonely people looking for any sort of human interaction.

And, don't forget, people tend to have short memories. The reflections and revelations they may have had back in March and April when the pandemic was really still in the shock phase, have largely worn off. They've likely adapted, or reverted to their old habits.

So, yeah, I am not sure there'd be much of a change in a positive direction on dating apps.

Have you had a major shift in your intent, purpose and ways of using the dating apps?

[JonnyR]

atskitty2 It's not that the positive direction in dating apps is not there, it's just that it's not there in SPITE of the fact that it at least WAS there previously.

Before all of this happened, sure there were those that were not serious, or thought they were "ready" but once they start talking to and meeting a person that is emotionally available and has their **** together, they bail faster than you can blink.

What I am comparing this to now and talking about specifically, is that before, despite all of that, there were STILL some semblances of normalcy and intimacy and those looking for the SAME things you were and I found some of those good folks and we connected -- however rarely it was.

NOW?

Poof...there aren't even the slivers that were there before.

The major shift and intent in how I use dating apps evolved several years ago after doing a lot of personal development work and discovery of who I was and what I really wanted and letting go of my fears of intimacy.

I always thought that MEN were the ones that were afraid of intimacy...now I know it's everyone!

While women tend to be more caring and understanding and emotionally driven in general, that cannot disguise the fact that they are just as scared and emotionally unavailable as men are -- just couched differently.

Men are more direct and avoidant, women tend to "think" and believe their "ready" and then quickly bail on something that could lead somewhere when they realize it's scary as **** and they aren't the true believers they once thought they were...

So no, nothing has changed as far as I am concerned.

I'm still VERY discerning in my approach, authentic in my words and open to anyone and anything if it resonates with me and leads to my ultimate destination of a legendary relationship.

But while that was difficult to find before (and understandably so!), the slivers of hope that it threw my way before the pandemic have vanished among the shelter in place, loneliness, anxiety, and fearfulness.

[atskitty2]

JonnyR I certainly can sense your frustration with this.
Have you been meeting people in person the past 9 months or so? How often did you meet people before?
Just curious if what you're perceiving is due to lack of face to face interaction?

And I will refer to my first comment, that people are just more guarded. It could be that the men and women genuinely seeking a LTR, yourself excluded, have stepped away from the apps because they aren't comfortable meeting in person, and that's a vital, early, first step. So they're taking a break from it because their preferences cannot be satisfied. I think I would have fallen into that category.

A couple years ago, I was preferring to meet someone after a few messages, and within a few days, or I was done. I was finished wasting time with pen-pals and endless texting partners. No thanks! The man I'm with now, we literally messaged probably less than 10-15 times (including confirmation times for meeting), exchanging deal-breaker questions, and we met 2 days after that, I think. Lots of people turn to this approach after years on the apps, it seems to me. I knew immediately that he was on the same page as me, because we talked "business" from the start. Then we got to know each other better, knowing we were going down the same path, and there were no surprises around the corner. There's a small age gap, so there were some serious things to put on the table immediately. His profile and photos told me enough about him to draw my interest, and the next step was meeting.

And I say all that, about my experience, only to illustrate, that **that** scenario couldn't have happened now. I know that, and I would mostly likely NOT be on the apps just cruising for company, or to fill a void, or for whatever other reasons I used to spend swiping...lol The way I prefer to manage dating just couldn't happen now, so I'd very likely be on a break.

So, if you can be patient and wait it out, this may be to your advantage in the long run. Once the dust has settled and socializing gets back to more what we're used to, you can potentially use this as a gauge for how serious someone is. That's probably what I'd do. I could learn a lot about someone in how they chose to spend this time, how they approached social situations and where their priorities were shifted.

[Alison H.]

I haven’t been in the dating game for 20 years so I have no experience with dating apps.

That said, I wonder if it could be a trust or fear issue - due TO the pandemic.

You mentioned how you had people in your dating “bubble” but for folks who are just active on these apps in general, they may feel the need to be more aloof right now.

While people can have a virtual relationship for a while, at some point one person or both people are probably going to want to meet. But that’s potentially an issue given the situation we are all in. For those dating virtually, neither person really knows who the other has been in contact with. So is it better to keep everyone at arm’s length or risk getting close to someone you may or may not get to meet in person (or having one person get hurt because the other doesn’t want to)?

And then if a couple does put a lot of effort into maintaining a virtual relationship for a long time, they run the risk of not being a good fit in person - after months have passed.

And the most pessimistic part - what if someone gets close to another person...only to have them die. This could be a concern for some app users.

There are a number of different factors that might be weighing on folks using dating apps right now and keeping them from taking anything seriously. These are just guesses.

[JonnyR]

atskitty2 Actually come to think of it, I have not met anyone new in the last 5-6 months or so, but before that was consistently seeing 2 people that I had already known before all of this went down.

Those have since ended, so yeah, I guess it's been a bit of a dry stretch...

However, with that being said, I've gone through periods before without meeting anyone, but there were always a lot more matches to choose from and a lot better reception.

The pandemic has certainly created apathy, fear, hesitance and despair I think as a lot of folks either arent really trying too hard, or as you said, in weaker moments, poking in without any real intention. I bet in their mind they're just passing the time until "this is all over"...so they don't really devote too much time or energy to anything.

And of course, ultimately I agree with you -- I am on your same wavelength: I want to meet ASAP. No f-ing around! It goes like this for me typically:

- Match on app
- Exchange a few messages, hopefully, interesting and leading to deeper questions vs. "hey..."
- Get on a phone call ASAP (I call this the phone screen! and I usually weed out 50% or more just with this alone...)
- If they pass the phone screen, I set up a date IMMEDIATELY (within a few days at most)

I agree -- we've got no time to waste, and i have a saying: You're either moving forward, or you're moving on.

So, you are probably right -- some folks are just so intimidated by what is doing on, they don't trust anyone or don't want to take a chance, so there is no hope of meeting in person, so why bother.

I see it the other way -- we can always socially distance in a park, or open space with our masks on and still see each other in person...but perhaps I am too open to that and most aren't and I should just close up shop for a better time.

Winter is here...but spring, is just around the corner.

[atskitty2]

If I were still in the game, I certainly wouldn't be meeting dudes outdoors with masks on. I learn as much from the facial expressions, and eyes, as I do anything else. Even tho' you can see a person's eyes with a mask on, you can't really see the expression of their eyes and their face. That just wouldn't work for me.

I took lots of long breaks from dating, and I have no doubt this would be break time for me. I divorced in 2012, coupled up early in 2019. I was **not** dating more of that time, than I was dating. I think breaks are good, if that time is used for self-improvement and productivity. Dating can be fun, but it can also be very scary for women, and exhausting at times.

[JonnyR]

Dating is exhausting for all of us atskitty2 at different times, for different reasons unique to our genders and sexual preferences...there's good and bad with everything...

[DoggoLover]

atskitty2, that makes total sense to me and I feel the same way; I want to date right now, but I'm not willing to meet up with anyone in-person for safety reasons, and because part of getting to know someone involves being able to talk comfortably for extended periods of time. During the winter especially, I think it'd be hard to meet outdoors for too long.

You're right that there's always some sort of challenge, though, JonnyR, no matter when you're dating.