Breaking up is hard to do

[amy40]

it's easier to "meld" together when younger & starting out with nothing
I can understand his reluctance & your reluctance re marriage
you've both been independent for so long, it "might" be tough living together & making all kinds of "rules" to not step on each other's toes
then there's the whole "who does what" re tasks such as cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc
do you start doing "everything" together once living together? do you start getting on each others nerves when faced with each other every single day? who pays for what? or do you put your money together?

maybe you two can come up with a compromise like living together only on weekends?

[JonnyR]

I am very sorry to hear this.

I know you guys were so happy, and in fact, we've talked a lot here and elsewhere throughout the years on different posts about how great things were between you both.

That being said, I offer an alternative perspective if you will allow.

Did you ever see that movie, I forget the name, with Jennifer Aniston where she was insistent on the man she was dating marrying her?

He didn't believe in marriage, she wanted it, but otherwise, their relationship was amazing?

What I remember and what struck me most about that movie (because it echoed sentiments I've had my whole life), was WHY -- meaning, why get married if it's just a construct or legal implication? Especially if what you have IS everything you've wanted?

Long story short, Jennifer's character moves out of the house and in with her sisters (who of course commiserate with her situation, and that she's in the right), and while she is living with them during her separation, she sees what married life is all about -- the dirty dishes, the husbands watching football, and completely ignoring their wives, kids running around the house with barely anyone paying attention to them, lack of romance and connection, etc...

And she realizes -- what she had/has is BETTER than being married.

Their relationship is so powerful, meaningful and he treats her so much better than all her married friends and sister's husbands treat them -- she already has everything she's ever wanted in a relationship, marriage is not the end goal, it was always about the love and relationship, and she has that NOW.

After reading your post that thought and that movie struck me -- you are wanting "more" -- yet you keep saying everything you have is the BEST it's ever been!

Those 2 don't go together.

My thought, is what if it's YOU that is scared?

Does your man need to be under the same roof as you for you to feel loved, cherished and have the best relationship you've ever had?

Or is that your fear of being alone, of uncertainty, of well, if he's not THERE all the time, and moved his SH*T in with yours, well then he can leave at ANY time (which BTW is true whether he moves in or not... or if people get married or not, there is no certainty in anything in life...)_?

Are you reaching a stage where you rely on him, love him and need him so much, that the thought of him potentially leaving on a whim, or otherwise not being fully committed through ACTION freaks you out to the point that you'd rather break it off NOW and be miserable with what if's, vs compromise with him and risk that you might lose him still?

I am coming at it from a completely different viewpoint here -- there's a saying: "When you sit down to play cards and you can't spot the sucker in 30 minutes, you're the sucker."

It sounds like you're cutting off your nose to spite your face...

At 50 -- without me being overly critical, just honest -- while still having demons and trauma from the past, it feels intuitively (without knowing everything about your situation) that perhaps, just maybe...you are causing more friction and drama and throwing something away to avoid a potential hurt.

I know you guys will talk, and that will help everything, but I would ask you to please consider this...something like what you describe does not happen very often, don't throw it away needlessly when so often in life we lose enough and endure so much pain, without inflicting it on ourselves.

[amy40]

duplicate

[amy40]

redundant

[amy40]

Congrats on your degree!

[atskitty2]

I have some of his things that I know he will want back, so, at some point we have to see each other. Things like a boat and PFDs, that I couldn't exactly return that day! lol

Thanks for your comments.

[Alison H.]

I can completely understand why you did what you did. Because for him to say "okay we can move in together" the moment you tell him that's the reason why you're breaking it off... it's coming across too much like he said that out of panic. Fear of losing you.

This may be the case, or maybe it made him realize that he really would do it — if he's that committed to your future. But still, to do that "if that's what you want to do" feels like it's out of fear. I'll do this if it means I can keep you.

Your compromise (living together but having separate bedrooms) sounds like it would have been an excellent compromise, too. Live your independent lives, but under the same roof — likely a situation that would have been VERY different from his previous two experiences with live-in GFs.

I have gone through a breakup like that, a very long time ago. We were very compatible, never fought, things were fine... but I just knew the direction I wanted my life to go and he wasn't in it. I just... knew it.

It sucked, but at the same time, you have to do what is right for YOU.

You're right to remind yourself of the future — focus on that, on what you want and need, and on the goals you have.

And in the meantime, he may even come to the same conclusion; if he really doesn't want to live with someone else, he's getting what HE truly needs too — even if he can't see it that way yet. OR, he'll realize he really IS okay with the idea of living with someone, and deal with that however he does — talking with you, or trying to work it out. Not from a begging standpoint so much as "I didn't realize I would actually be okay with the idea, a lot has changed, etc."

It's hard to say where his head is truly at. But I imagine that after so long together, he will reach out to talk — at some point.

[atskitty2]

I completely blind-sided the man by breaking up with him last weekend.

I've known for awhile that he had an aversion to ever moving in with someone again, after living with 2 previous girlfriends and having it go very badly. We had a serious talk awhile back, in which I told him that I could not live in a state of perpetual dating, and that I want to live with someone again, although marriage is not a preference for me. He said he wouldn't rule it out, but it would be hard for him to ever try it again. He said it wasn't me, it was a decision he had reached after the last breakup.
I sort of feel this preference should have been mentioned after a couple months of dating, if not before. I found out after we'd dated quite awhile.

So, we have had an amazing relationship for nearly 4 years now. I graduated recently with my second degree, at age 50, and we took an amazing vacation together. I am starting a whole new chapter of life after a crazy few years. I realized the past few weeks, that he was not moving with me in the direction of merging our lives, and I knew I had to end it.

As I suspected he would, when I told him I couldn't do this any more, he said we can absolutely move in, if that's what I want to do. I told him that I don't want it if it's not what he wants equally, and not just an effort to keep me in his life. He assured me that in the past year, he's been moving in this direction, and felt that in me he'd found his life partner, and he's 100% invested in making this work. He was completely shocked, and I think crushed when I said I was done.

I told him it's very hard to believe that when the statement is made as I'm leaving him. He asked me how I could doubt his commitment to me. I said I didn't doubt that at all - I've known all along how deeply we care, and are committed to each other, but that doesn't mean the relationship goals are the same, and that's where it ends. I told him I cannot continue to invest my time and life into something that will never be what I want it to be.

Am I gonna be 65, retired and he's still picking me up for a dinner date? lol
That's just not what I want.

I told him I just want something different for myself. There's nothing wrong with what he wants either, but they don't coincide and there's no compromise here that's workable. I told him a year ago that my vision for us, since we both like our own space, is to move in, have separate bedrooms, and separate spaces for us to have our own time. We are both independent and we tend to need a lot of time to ourselves. I thought I'd found that compromise...

I'm finding this breakup to be hard because there really was very little wrong with us as a couple. We are very compatible and work so well.
Have you experienced a break-up like this? It's a breakup of practical purposes.
How did you stick to the rational side and focus on the fact of it, and forget the overwhelming loss you feel? Currently I just keep reminding myself of the future.

Logically, I get it and I'm ok with my decision. Emotionally, I'm a wreck. He's an amazing man, having all the qualities I'm looking for, and then some.
My girlfriends tell me that maybe we can talk it through and find some way to make it work. They thought we were solid and would go the distance, and were shocked when I told them I'm ending it. I can't imagine what he could say that would convince me he genuinely wants the same thing at this point-if we ever actually do talk about it. Part of me thinks he may realize how right I am, and not even try to talk to me about it. He's not the kind to beg, or try to change my mind really, but I expect at some point he'll ask to talk, speak his peace and have the closure that didn't really happen in the 10 minute talk the day I ended it.