[acadialost]

Which really isn't that unusal for me. I've been openly bisexual for five years now. The problem is that I have a boyfriend. The girl I kissed is an old friend that I have slept with before, and I probably would have again (I was really drunk) if she hadn't said that she refused to be the "other woman". In retrospect I'm so glad that nothing more happened, and I feel like s*** for letting myself get so carried away. My bf knows something is up, as well...he actually had a nightmare about me cheating on him last night, even though he has no conscious idea that this happened. I do plan on telling him, but first I want to get my thoughts together.
You see, I have cheated in every relationship I have ever been in. I know how that sounds, but it's not because I don't love my partners. It's because I am impulsive and self destructive when I drink. I don't drink very often any more, and after the other night i probably won't let myself get so carried away unless my bf is present, but is this a mistake I am doomed to repeat? I've heard that old adage "once a cheater always a cheater" and I've never believed it before, but if I would be willing to cheat on my current bf, the first person I have ever considered marrying, what does that say about me? Also, I know I would not have behaved that way with a man, so maybe the issue is simply that I have urges regarding women that are hard to control, in which case will I ever be satisfied with a man OR a woman? It's all very confusing but I know in my heart that I want to be with my bf for a long, long time and I don't want to ruin it because I'm . I don't even know what advice would help at this point, but maybe someone out there has been through something similar? This is really eating me up inside

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I'll try to be as helpful as I can, but it's hard to know what to say.

First off, yes, I would be quite annoyed with my girlfriend if she decided to get off with some other girl, without my knowledge - in my mind cheating is cheating, whether it's hetrosexual or homosexual. You need to tell him, get on your knees and beg for forgiveness...

As for the future, most guys will always be up for a threesome, so try to channel your homosexual urges into involving your boyfriend, that we he wont feel cheated on, it's not behind his back, and he gets to have some fun as well as just you. Although if you just ignore him and shag this girl then it'll all break apart, but as long as it's all kept on equal footing and you both get involved, it's all good.

If you can't resist women every now and then, I think that might be the way you have to go about it, as anything else (unless he consents) is cheating, and bear in mind that when you cheat on him, if he doesn't break up with you he's got a "get out of affair free" card, as you couldn't be a hypocrite could you.

Another option is not to get that drunk, but obviously that's hard to control. Maybe when you go out you should wear a chastity belt and give your man the key? haha

[rcoreyus]

I wouldn't feel the same way about a wife / girlfriend "cheating" with another woman as I would about cheating with another man. Don't know why - not trying to justify it - but it wouldn't seem the same.

I'm not particularly bothered by the idea of my wife cheating with another man either, so I am not very typical in this. But to me her "cheating" with another woman would be a non-problem. Also as Anon said - being invited to join in would certainly be a fun idea.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

From your other posts, this man is special to you but he has insecurities which you understand.

He has a 4 year old child, his ex is "partying" and leaving the child more with him and then he has you.

I don't know if he knows about your bi-sexuality although i'd take a guess that he does.

He has lost one partner, has a child and wants stability with you and has a fear at the same time, that he'll lose you to, be it to a woman or a man.

That's evident if he's dreaming it as well.

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater if you enjoy "soulmate" relationships that have meaning to them... I think you can be lost until found for sure.

I'd reasure your guy that you love him and want to build a future with him, if that's what you want to do, so he can breathe.

Angelina Jolie got lots of flack for being un-faithful but Brad stayed... it's definately something that requires long conversations on, that you may not ever get over that period, it is part of you, so what if you were to ever feel the urge, how would he react, find out as others have stated, would he want you never to do it, okay only if he was involved...?

You have to then decide if this is in you as a want for life, or a past only applicable when you are single in which case you can go either way?

And yes, if you have tempation like anything, avoid it.

CW

[acadialost]

I don't believe once a cheater always a cheater if you enjoy "soulmate" relationships that have meaning to them... I think you can be lost until found for sure.

I'd reasure your guy that you love him and want to build a future with him, if that's what you want to do, so he can breathe.

Angelina Jolie got lots of flack for being un-faithful but Brad stayed... it's definately something that requires long conversations on, that you may not ever get over that period, it is part of you, so what if you were to ever feel the urge, how would he react, find out as others have stated, would he want you never to do it, okay only if he was involved...?

You have to then decide if this is in you as a want for life, or a past only applicable when you are single in which case you can go either way?

And yes, if you have tempation like anything, avoid it.

CW

Thank-you for this understanding and kind response. I've been beating myself up the past couple days but I have decided that I can either use this as destructive or instructive, so I am going to do as you say and delve further into the issue to ensure that I can give my partner everything he needs without sacrificing who I am.

[jessiesgirlt]

I am also bi and I am living with a wonderful man who accepts that and is ever-so-ready to allow me to indulge in my urges so long as he's aware of what's going on. We have become swingers in our 6 years together as a result of my "urges". See, we both were cheaters when we got together and since I love both men and women, swinging seemed to be the perfect answer for us. As for girl play, he is fine with me being with another woman without him being there as long as it isn't on a regular basis and he's aware of what's going on. (And I have to come home and give him details! hehe) I would advise someone in your situation to TALK to the bf because communication is the key to any relationship. If you keep him informed of all these urges and trust him to accept it, maybe he will open up to the idea of letting you act on them...either with or without him. Most men would say WITH them! But you have to understand that if he also wants to act on his urges, you have to be just as understanding as he is. And if you've never tried it, 3somes can be extremely erotic, without or without his active participation! Also, you need to be willing to accept either answer he gives you. If he disapproves then you have to respect that and then decide if you can stick to that. If he decides to allow it, then the two of you need to set boundaries which BOTH of you find acceptable. If he wants to participate, will YOU be able to handle it? You have to think, can you handle watching your bf have sex with another woman? Cause if you can't handle seeing him do it, can you ask him to watch you? And the same with doing it on the side...

The best advice anyone can offer you on this is to talk to your boyfriend! Together you two can decide what is best all around. If he is absolutely against it, then you have your answer and then you have to decide if that is something you can deal with for the rest of your life together. If he is all for it, then together you can decide to what level you are both comfortable! And speaking from experience, it's probably not going to be all roses and rainbows at first....trial and error are all a part of relationships, especially ones that involve other people! One last thing, if you two DO decide to act on this, remember this above everything....YOU AND HIM ARE WHAT'S IMPORTANT!! If you lose sight of this, then the relationship is headed for problems.

Good luck sweetie!

[Nahn]

Thank-you for this understanding and kind response. I've been beating myself up the past couple days but I have decided that I can either use this as destructive or instructive, so I am going to do as you say and delve further into the issue to ensure that I can give my partner everything he needs without sacrificing who I am.

No need to worry, acadialost. Most men would be open for the idea if it's another woman - that makes a huge difference as he won't be competing with another man! Have a good talk with your bf and I bet you'd be pleasantly surprised how he reacts! Communication is the key. As you said 'cheating' is out of instinctive urge which is only being human - we all have that urge! ;-) As Jessiesgirlt's post above mentioned that there are many ways to satisfy that urge without having to cheat and cause missunderstanding. Enjoy!

[Fallen1]

As you said 'cheating' is out of instinctive urge which is only being human - we all have that urge! ;-)

I have to disagree here.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No need to worry, acadialost. Most men would be open for the idea if it's another woman - that makes a huge difference as he won't be competing with another man! Have a good talk with your bf and I bet you'd be pleasantly surprised how he reacts! Communication is the key. As you said 'cheating' is out of instinctive urge which is only being human - we all have that urge! ;-) As Jessiesgirlt's post above mentioned that there are many ways to satisfy that urge without having to cheat and cause missunderstanding. Enjoy!

I disagree there.. If he has had nightmares, and is aware that she is Bi, a fear has/will set in whereby he will fear that she will leave him for a woman... (He is competing) never the less.

It's not the same, as you men loving the idea of a threesome, as you think with um, thoughts.

And, i agree with Fallen1, cheating is NOT an instinctive urge. Purely, usually that two souls have not met as one, in it's entirety consequently, there are still urges....