[PorpoiseLady]

?Hello everyone!

I am writing because I am constantly thinking about what would be the best thing to do and would love some advices and to hear stories from you.

I am 30 y.o. and I have been dating two years a man that is 44 y.o.
I am in love, and I believe he is in love with me. When we are together it feels very good, and somehow I truly love our dynamic that is full of sense of humor and stimulating conversation and intimacy. He is an introvert and a person that has a lot of anxiety 'to do things well', while I am an extrovert and I found in him often a very grounding and safe energy. Anyway, the problem comes with the fact that I have a very strong dream to have a child and getting married. Even if I am a freelancer and still forming my career, I believe that it's important for me to give voice to this dream that is becoming stronger and stronger. When I asked to him if he would be actually finally ready to commit in the future to have a wedding and child he doesn't feel like it and that he is too scared he would be a terrible father and doesn't have that dream. He has a stable and good job that he loves, so somehow he is not pursuing anything else at the moment as a dream or goal. He feels that it's not something he is dreaming of, and he also added that many couples live perfectly well without those. I got so sad and disappointed that I told him that if that was his strong view, unfortunately, despite we love each other, we cannot keep going because we have both strong and opposite opinions. There has been a lot of crying from my side, and we talked about it a lot during the days...or at least, we tried, but he got very defensive and said that he really cannot promise me he will ever want one of those things.

I felt we had to separate then. He left for his work for a month as usual, but he called me the day after his departure saying that he really wants to take time and that he loves me, and he wants to find ways to make it work and that when he stresses out he becomes more 'close and negative', but that he wants to take time because he wants to find ways to think in a more constructive way about it.

I said it's fine because I do feel he is really trying to give it a chance and I feel he does care about me and us. At the same time. I don't know to change the mind and opinion of anyone in such a big topic, and I would love to feel that someone wants the same things as me. Am I over-dramatic and is it ok to wait for a little bit, or is it crazy to think he would change his mind?

Any of you has stories of man that needed time to think and then decided to get married and have kids?

Thanks already to all <3
?

[Wednesday L.F.]

Hello and welcome,

What you describe sounds very difficult. If your bf was in his 20s, it might make sense to wait because he still has growing up to do. A guy in his 40s though, probably knows what he wants. He might give in to what you want to keep you, and you’ll want to think about whether that’s something you want, or if it’s better to let go and find someone more compatible. It’s possible that a reluctant father can become a wonderful one. But I’m sorry to say that’s not the norm.

I can tell you also that my husband told me he didn’t want children from the beginning. I thought he’d change his mind in time. He didn’t. He’s a wonderful man but filling the hole in life that I’d left available for children has been…challenging.

[jns]

I'm afraid that I have to agree with Wednesday on this. Some men just want to have a child or children. Others do not want children and are sure of that. Children change the dynamics of a relationship. You have a great relationship with a man that sounds like marriage material. Have you explored with him the reasons for his reluctance of having children? Some don't like children crying and making messes. Some don't like the obligation. Some don't like the cost. Some don't like the change of dynamics of the relation. Some have fears due to a traumatic childhood. Et cetera. As Wednesday said, reluctant fathers sometimes become wonderful ones but that is not the norm.

[PorpoiseLady]

Thank you for your answers and opinions! I've definitely some thinking to do, but hearing other's stories and opinions helps a lot. Thanks to both of you!