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Is he controlling, or am I over thinking it?

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  • Is he controlling, or am I over thinking it?

    Okay. I think I may just be worrying for no reason, but my boy friend might be controlling..
    He's great, I love him so much! It's just, he HAS to get his way, I can never win. He's really, really sweet, but.. My best friend in the whole world, doesn't like him, so he made me feel so bad, I've ignored her since December! I really miss her, and today I told him. I tried the best I could to explain it to him. She's mean to most people, but not to me. I was all she had, i loved her, and still do. He thinks it's absurd that I love her, and that I'm just too nice. I even cried, and he still said I couldn't be friends with her, he even said i can't do it behind his back either, cause he'll check with my parents. when I said: What! Are you serious? He said, OMG, you were planning that weren't you?! Then he rolled over, and tried ignoring me, and saying I don't love him, and that he can't believe i'd do that to him. Granted, he may have legit reasons for not liking Dani (bff), but can't I make my own mistakes, if he is right? I'm just so torn. I want to be her friend so bad, but I don't want to lose my boy friend either.. Help?

  • Originally posted by BreeLee View Post
    Okay. I think I may just be worrying for no reason, but my boy friend might be controlling..
    He's great, I love him so much! It's just, he HAS to get his way, I can never win. He's really, really sweet, but.. My best friend in the whole world, doesn't like him, so he made me feel so bad, I've ignored her since December! I really miss her, and today I told him. I tried the best I could to explain it to him. She's mean to most people, but not to me. I was all she had, i loved her, and still do. He thinks it's absurd that I love her, and that I'm just too nice. I even cried, and he still said I couldn't be friends with her, he even said i can't do it behind his back either, cause he'll check with my parents. when I said: What! Are you serious? He said, OMG, you were planning that weren't you?! Then he rolled over, and tried ignoring me, and saying I don't love him, and that he can't believe i'd do that to him. Granted, he may have legit reasons for not liking Dani (bff), but can't I make my own mistakes, if he is right? I'm just so torn. I want to be her friend so bad, but I don't want to lose my boy friend either.. Help?
    I wouldn't call that controlling on its own merit. It could also be "protection".. If he has stated that he would ask your parents then he may feel there is a reason why you should not "mix" with her.

    You have said that he may have legitimate reasons for not liking Dani, they may be what? Mixes with the wrong crowds, drinks alot, drugs, doesn't have a steady man, but parties with alot of them?

    No boyfriend wants his girlfriend to be associated with what they feel is a bad influence one for their own protection of their woman and two, their mates, and how they may perceive you.

    If, it is just that she is nasty but not to you... then again, he may be protecting you, because lepoards don't change their spots, they turn eventually on everyone and thing.

    He needs to "communicate with you" and explain why...

    If this is his logic, can't blame him.

    If it is just i don't like her, that's all there is to it, then he doesn't own you therefore, doesn't have the right to chose whom you associate with, nor you about him.

    CW
    PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

    Comment


    • =]

      You bring up amazing points.
      There are reasons. he's told me them, but it's just tough for me.
      I have medical issues. Had major surgery, was out of school for awhile, so Dani, was the only one that really cared about me. Yeah, she may be blunt, rude, and not as sheltered maybe. She had a tough life. She has issues. She was never mean to me, though. If she ever upset me, we would both cry about it. I really care about her. He's mad at her, because she broke my trust, because she was tricked, and I mis interpreted her. My family is mad at her. I'm allowed to talk to her, through my parents by the way. I'm 18. He meant by check with them, ask if I'm talking with her, so that he'll know. i wouldn't even post here, but my mom took my boy friends side. She thinks it's good that i'm not talking to dani, but her reason is totally irreverent. She's not THAT bad. We're kinda opposite, but so what. We kept each other in balance. Now, she has no one. I was the one who helped her thought her control issues with her boy friend, and when I had to ignore her, they broke up. i feel awful. I want to apologize so bad. I understand, that he doesn't want me to get hurt, but he should at least let me make the choice, and see. It's not like she's gonna hurt me. I don't know, it's just I've never seen him act that way, since today. I think he was actually mad at me, because I wouldn't agree, I was too stubborn he said. I know, he's only looking out for me, but he doesn't understand that it's actually hurting me, i'd rather make the mistake, and apologize to him, then be forced to not speak to her. I'm just worried, I don't want him mad at me, and i know he'll never budge on letting me be her friend.. =/

      Comment


      • Originally posted by BreeLee View Post
        You bring up amazing points.
        There are reasons. he's told me them, but it's just tough for me.
        I have medical issues. Had major surgery, was out of school for awhile, so Dani, was the only one that really cared about me. Yeah, she may be blunt, rude, and not as sheltered maybe. She had a tough life. She has issues. She was never mean to me, though. If she ever upset me, we would both cry about it. I really care about her. He's mad at her, because she broke my trust, because she was tricked, and I mis interpreted her. My family is mad at her. I'm allowed to talk to her, through my parents by the way. I'm 18. He meant by check with them, ask if I'm talking with her, so that he'll know. i wouldn't even post here, but my mom took my boy friends side. She thinks it's good that i'm not talking to dani, but her reason is totally irreverent. She's not THAT bad. We're kinda opposite, but so what. We kept each other in balance. Now, she has no one. I was the one who helped her thought her control issues with her boy friend, and when I had to ignore her, they broke up. i feel awful. I want to apologize so bad. I understand, that he doesn't want me to get hurt, but he should at least let me make the choice, and see. It's not like she's gonna hurt me. I don't know, it's just I've never seen him act that way, since today. I think he was actually mad at me, because I wouldn't agree, I was too stubborn he said. I know, he's only looking out for me, but he doesn't understand that it's actually hurting me, i'd rather make the mistake, and apologize to him, then be forced to not speak to her. I'm just worried, I don't want him mad at me, and i know he'll never budge on letting me be her friend.. =/
        Firstly, you should post here. When you have feelings that you want to share, get opinions, one thing you have to i believe, learn is to take what you want from them, not as gospil so to speak but what seems relevant. So good for you

        Secondly, she obviously from their minds is a "controlling person" and their fear may be to sway you the wrong way, age also makes adults scared, he may be frightened just on the level of her swaying your thoughts, perhaps even about him.

        As for his request.. Well, he has to request, babe, i don't want you to because of this reason... not, you "can't"..

        I understood the "checking with the parents thing", and as they are sided with his thoughts, he feels that he can and be told the truth.

        It would truly hurt him, be disrespectful if you went against his wishes and non-trusting in a relationship, hense why he probably turned over.

        Gee, i was like you at that age. But, but....

        You see, a little bird who broke their wind and you helped her mend it.. You feel once you flew the nest, she fell out of the tree..

        Not the case, sweet. She made her own decisions what happened happened.

        Perhaps ask for a compromise... Ask if you can at least communicate via a phone, when he's around, to keep in touch, not to go out with her or hang out but you feel a soul connection there and it's killing you, point out his best mate and if that was broken, because you said, i don't want you to speak or see him anymore, how he would feel.

        Communication is everything....

        Everything.

        You also, may not have been wrong with your "interpretation" at the time with her... if she has issues, she will always, you can't save the world, only try, (like me, lol)...

        CW
        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

        Comment


        • Think i have too many posts for people to be concerned re double posting, otherwise, i'll find out soon.

          I do think it's important to hold onto your friends.

          I do think that we are individual people and consequently, ultimately, have to make our own decisions in life.

          I don't think anyone has the right to chose our friends for us, it is our life, we are born once in this world.

          If both your family and your boyfriend are "hell bent" there has to be a legitimate reason, one that they feel is important for you..

          Even if you dissed her, at some stage, then retracted it, usually, people can see your way of explanation.

          You may therefore, even need to speak openly to your parents as to why they feel this way, truthfully and to treat and look upon you as an adult in this particular situation..

          Often with understanding we know the direction.

          It's when we get half stories, or no replies to an importnat question we are left pondering.

          Then what.. we don't ask?

          You have to bite the bullet... Whether you like the answer or not, at least you know..

          CW
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • Thank you.

            You've really helped. I'm starting to see it from his point of view. I'm a really emotional person, so he just doesn't want me to get hurt. It's just it all built up today. Up until today, I was trying to figure out how to explain it to him. He said, if i could give a real reason, of why she acts the way she does, then he might change his mind, but what if that involves breaking a promise? Yes, she does make adults nervous, but only because she's so strong willed. She didn't influence me that much besides make me less shy. I know, she didn't lose her boyfriend just, cause I wasn't there, but I might have been a little bit of help. I guess, I just have to realize, that I can't help everyone, and I need to focus on what's most important to me. That's not dani, right now. I had to flat out tell her that a few months ago, very difficult. Yeah, he said it would hurt him, if i talked to her, without consulting him first, but it's not like I would. I doubt there can be a comprise. Dani wouldn't allow that, and neither would he. It'll be fine, once it's summer I can see him more. I think i miss her so much, because I was just so used to always having her with me.. I'm going to see him in 2 hours, so I'll talk to him on the 2 hour drive we have to see his family. Or maybe not, that wouldn't be fair. Sometime tomorrow. I'll talk to my mom about it, but that'll be even worse. She really doesn't have a reason, so I don't know what I would say. I know what you mean, ultimately it's my choice, but i'd need support either way, or at least a little. Thank you for all the help! It made me feel better that you can relate to me. ^^

            Comment


            • Your welcome, and seeing as i am in Australia and i keep saying this, because everyone else is sleeping and there are some great people here, full of warm, compassion but also straight to the point type of personalities... I am only one. So, why not have a peek tomorrow?

              You know, i'm second guessing here.

              But, you made a statement there. You said " once it's summer i'll see him more"... Sometimes, we miss other people whom we are close to and can relate to if the someone special is not in our life. You may in-fact be missing him so much that you need her. Just, for your thoughts.

              And, there you go. He's not controlling at all.. He wants honesty in a relationship, who doesn't... and why not.

              Take care... Enjoy your 2 hr drive, with love and laughter okay, not discussion your smarter than you thought...

              Tomorrow is another day for understanding.



              CW
              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

              Comment


              • Okay.

                Gosh, you really know what I'm thinking don't you? Hehe. If I didn't miss him so much, then I never would have even asked him. I love him more than anything on earth, and no one can compare to him, so when I miss him, nothing really can replace him being with me. I'll be sure to come back, and ask any other concerns I have. It's much better than being up all night thinking about it. I hate insomnia. I didn't sleep at all, and I'll be away all day tomorrow. Ugh. I'll get a lecture, but he'll be fine, when I say I really tried to sleep, and I was just thinking too much. How much is the time difference where you live?

                I didn't think that he was, but I was concerned about what I should do about the situation.
                Yeah, I was joking when I mentioned saying anything during the ride, his sister will be with us, and he HATES her, I'm not even allowed to buy her presents, and I spoil him so bad, he doesn't even share his candy. Hopefully I don't sleep during the trip, though. We'll see. Maybe I'll have some coffee. I get when I'm too tired, and so he's gonna take advantage of that and try to scare me. He scared me like 80 times yesterday/today. It's horrible. I think he'll be good with family. At least I hope..

                Oh, is it normal for boys to like fire? He caught my towel on fire, and I was freaking out. =O
                What would you suggest for his B-day? I gotta get him a hamster, but maybe a statue, or what do you think? I want something sorta expensive, but he's like please don't.. Ugh.

                Well, anyways, thanks for helping. I'll be sure to come back here. ^^

                Comment


                • Originally posted by BreeLee View Post
                  Gosh, you really know what I'm thinking don't you? Hehe. If I didn't miss him so much, then I never would have even asked him. I love him more than anything on earth, and no one can compare to him, so when I miss him, nothing really can replace him being with me. I'll be sure to come back, and ask any other concerns I have. It's much better than being up all night thinking about it. I hate insomnia. I didn't sleep at all, and I'll be away all day tomorrow. Ugh. I'll get a lecture, but he'll be fine, when I say I really tried to sleep, and I was just thinking too much. How much is the time difference where you live?

                  I didn't think that he was, but I was concerned about what I should do about the situation.
                  Yeah, I was joking when I mentioned saying anything during the ride, his sister will be with us, and he HATES her, I'm not even allowed to buy her presents, and I spoil him so bad, he doesn't even share his candy. Hopefully I don't sleep during the trip, though. We'll see. Maybe I'll have some coffee. I get when I'm too tired, and so he's gonna take advantage of that and try to scare me. He scared me like 80 times yesterday/today. It's horrible. I think he'll be good with family. At least I hope..

                  Oh, is it normal for boys to like fire? He caught my towel on fire, and I was freaking out. =O
                  What would you suggest for his B-day? I gotta get him a hamster, but maybe a statue, or what do you think? I want something sorta expensive, but he's like please don't.. Ugh.

                  Well, anyways, thanks for helping. I'll be sure to come back here. ^^

                  A woman so deeply in love, going from one question to the other. lol...

                  Which question first? Um.... So he caught your towel on fire and laughed? Thought it was funny... Wait for your reply before i answer.

                  Birthday, do you have a photo? Suggested that last time, a character photo of himself, drawn and framed, cool, private, special unless you want one of yourself, but i think wait on that one.

                  Mmmm time diff. You signed of whenever, but just before i came and checked, so around 9pm my time...

                  Okay, you've got me.... Hates your best mate, hates your sister? Doesn't share your candy, lol, Give... another picture is emerging....Spill, if you please of course.

                  A person is superficial in my opinion, if they want expensive gifts but if he's genuine, he will love what ever you give.

                  Something personalised, will freak him out, for sure, blind him for a while, but why not if that's not your intention... Something "unique" like suggested is never, ever, forgotten and that's the key of it all.

                  PS: How can i know what your thinking? Unless, i am indeed slightly clairvoyant, or something, white witch?

                  You never, ever know via an Internet.

                  CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • From your first post when he rolled over and said you don't love him:
                    THAT'S CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR.
                    I see that he tries to keep you from your friends ... that he "doesn't let you" talk to her. That's controlling behavior.
                    Does he tell you how to dress? What to eat? Where you can work?
                    Does he tell you that if you leave him, he'll kill himself?
                    You need to google signs of a controlling relationship. It might surprise you how little things add up.
                    And even if those things DO add up, it doesn't mean that the relationship has to be over. You can work through it if your boyfriend is willing. He HAS to respect your opinion for a healthy relationship, and if you "never win," he isn't respecting it.
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                    • You might want to think about who you care about more which your probably going to say your boyfriend. But your so called "bff" may not want to be your bff anymore. I know I wouldn't if someone picked my friendship to have a boyfriend. In fact I would be outraged. I wouldn't say hes controling but I would say hes , expesally when hes trying to tell you who to be friends with...
                      I had a friend who really did have a controling boyfriend and he accused of being lesbians together. Its a lot better to have friends then boyfriends...
                      Rozzlynn

                      Comment


                      • I don't think that's controlling at all. If it was a concern with the parents AND the boyfriend, something was wrong with the friend--especially if she agreed to follow your parent's and your boyfriend's rules. If she really thought it was unfair that she couldn't talk to her friend, she would have rebelled and talked to her anyway--no one's stopping her. She's 18 (right?). In relationships you DO have to put your friends on the back burner--especially if the relationship is serious. There's no point in being in a relationship if you're not willing to do that--otherwise, you wouldn't be moving anywhere and there would be constant competition with time usage between your friends and your significant other. Controlling behavior is a serious thing and should not be taken lightly--and definitely should not be easily tagged on small, insignificant, supposed signs. At the beginning of the relationship I am in, my boyfriend also didn't like one of my best friends--mostly because she had betrayed my trust (just as the situation in this post). After I complained to him several times about the situation, he wondered why I was still friends with her. In fact, out of PROTECTION (not control) he advised that I not stay friends with her. I considered his advice and agreed. Friends will come and go--just like relationships, but necessary balance and consideration of who makes you happy is essential.

                        Comment


                        • Sounds bunk..
                          Take for a minute this:
                          If you have a puppet and want to put on a play, all you need to do is pick up the strings and go to town. If you want to add more dimension to your play, you add more strings to your puppet; say you start to control his hands and arms, instead of just his arms. Then you give him facial expression.

                          Now that your puppet has a full range of motion, you decide that you have too many strings to control all by yourself! So you get an assistant to help you. You teach that assistant how to control this puppet. You get them trained enough that you will be able to give this puppet, with all of it's strings to your assistant, and you could go sit in the audience and finally get to enjoy your own show from the viewing perspective.

                          Now that you get all of the thrill of watching your assistant put on the play, you feel that this element of autonomous play is not thrilling enough for you. So you seek out new ways to pass the time. You find that next door, there is a ventriloquist! You are absolutely mystified by this! So you wait until the end of the show and you agree that you will teach this Ventriloquist how to command your puppet, while he teaches you how to do Ventriloquism. It goes great! Now you are having him do your puppet show, and you are doing his Ventriloquist act. Life is good!

                          But what about your assistant? Now your assistant who you had doing your puppet show is out of work. So just like most people who are out of work, your assistant sits and listens to their thoughts all day for weeks on end. Over a long enough time, the thoughts become treacherous, they don't seem to make a whole lot of sense; but neither does you firing your assistant, after all, they were doing a good job! So your assistant can't help but wonder what else could have been? How might things have changed for the better?

                          Danger...

                          This little "story" contains all of the elements of a healthy functioning adult. And to each person, different aspects mean different things. To one person, the puppet might represent their close family, to another, it might represent their personal struggle for self-exploration.

                          Fortunately enough for you, your replies tell the whole story.
                          You are the Ventriloquist, not the Puppet-Master. Before you can master your story, the Puppet-Master pays you a visit and decides that you need to take over their show; along this path, you teach the PM how to run your show. Unfortunately, yours doesn't have enough experience to make it full of various dimensions.

                          In order for you to get back to master your show, you need to tell that PM to go back to his show and talk to his assistant. In order for your BF to be with you, he is unknowingly surrendering some part of his life. As a crux, he doesn't know how to act about it, and is resorting to what he does know; he might have learned commanding behaviour from his family, childhood/schoolyard trauma, etc. But in order for the two of you to grow as people, you need to take time apart.

                          If I would have read your posts sooner I would have recommended that you let him go see his parents without you. And you take some pottery classes. I don't know what you are in to, but you need to do some more soul searching before you decide that every relationship in your life, that you may ever have, that this one, any one will be the one that will last for all of your lives. You are 18... What makes this one relationship so special that you are willing to risk your sanity over it? Don't answer that. Read the story again and reflect on it. (I personally like meditation)

                          Comment


                          • Granted, I have not read all the post on this but from what I have read. I'm sorry to say but he IS controlling. And Little is right you need to look up the signs of controlling behavior because having to check with him before you can talk to your friend, that is a sign. He'll check with your parents to make sure you didn't go around his back???? You are not allow to do this or that without his permission, WTH??? That is controlling. I'm sorry to say but from what I know of controlling people is that they tend to be abusive people as well. Maybe not physically but mentally is usually a givin. He accusess you of not loving him, that is on its way to mental abuse. He will destroy your self esteem and worth so that you are dependant on his direction to make your decisions. But in the end, it won't be your decisions anymore to make and it sounds like you are already there...

                            If you think I'm wrong let him look at your post and see what reaction you get....
                            I promise, it will not be a good one.
                            sigpic

                            Comment


                            • his sister will be with us, and he HATES her, I'm not even allowed to buy her presents, and I spoil him so bad, he doesn't even share his candy.
                              My last post said, i saw a different picture emerging, from your original thread.

                              There, i saw that your parents also agreed pertaining to staying away from this particular friend, so perhaps he was being protective of you...

                              The above quote you wrote, prior to going away with him does portray a completely different scenario...

                              One of possessiveness/control.

                              You can not buy his sister presents.
                              He does not share anything.
                              Add back in, you can not talk to your long term friend.

                              Ask yourself:-

                              1. Do you have any freedom or does he tell you what you can and cannot do.
                              2. Does he question things you do and tell you what he thinks, or not to do things.
                              3. Can you do what you want, or do you basically have to ask him first.
                              4. Does he clearly want his way all the time, and pushes for it, even if you don't agree.
                              5. Does he think your incapable of making your own decisions.

                              If so, that's Power... Control... he distakes everything to you.

                              This sort of behaviour can lead to verbal abuse, and even physical in the long run, if you go against his wishes.

                              Ask yourself how many decisions you have made on your own since being with him, it sounds like you do what he asks, and he does what he wants, and you have to agree..

                              CW
                              PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                              Comment

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