[Alison H.]

I feel like "swiping" is too fast... like, it's a quick glance at someone and then a yes/no swipe. I think there's something to be said for reading a profile, actually spending a minute looking at what they're about and THEN deciding on reaching out (or not).

Maybe it's the "shorter" attention spans online these days, so I get the swiping thing from that perspective, but still. I bet a lot of people get swiped right past because their photo isn't as "grabbing" as others, when their full profile paints a much more in-depth picture.

[atskitty2]

Alison H. It is definitely a phenomenon that has done nothing but damage the foundation of dating and relationships, imo.

For my own progression through the weeds of dating: I started online dating around 2013ish, maybe 2012, I don't remember. But it was very much a knee-jerk reactionary type of thing. There was just a photo/photos, brief profile and you either liked, or ya didn't. The social aspect, at this point, consisted of girls night dinners with us sharing the profiles and photos of potential suitors. It was idiotic, as I look back, but that's where we were.

The endless 2nd grade, pen-pal type interactions were exhausting, which was what usually evolved out of these swiping experiences. As I became more thoughtful, more self-aware and goal-oriented in my dating life, I understood that this was not my thing.

I tried many approaches over the years, many of them charted in the archives here on WHF (haha), and eventually, landed on Bumble, which allowed much more control for the woman. I decided on a whole new approach for myself. I decided on no more BS chatting...we either meet based on a few photos and brief profile, or, we're not. Because, ultimately, we can have amazing chemistry over texts, but life happens in person. If it's not happening in person, it's not happening.

So, linking this back up with Sugar- relationships: I think it's a relief for a lot of people. At least on the surface it appears that the games are excluded. Just what I need, what they need, and there's some agreement on that. At least in the truest sense of sugars, there's no guesswork, no games and ppl move forward in that, until it no longer works for them.

Still hoping a Sugar-involved individual pokes their head in here and shares some perspective!

[Alison H.]

Oh for sure. I think there's something to be said for handling companionship like that as a business relationship. Each person gets what they need and want, and it's a contract basically. I imagine it does eliminate the games, guesswork, and other typical "relationship" stuff.

I wonder, though, and hopefully someone who's been in a relationship like that can talk about it, but like... what happens if there are *real* feelings from either person at some point. Does the relationship end, or SHOULD it? Does that break the contract, in its own way? At least if it's one-sided?

Do people run the risk, too, of missing out on genuine relationships with other people while they're involved in something like this.

I clearly have a lot of questions and thoughts LOL.

I've never online dated (been married for almost 25 years now), so I've only ever watched that stuff from afar, or heard about it from friends who have. I can imagine it has to be a challenge to navigate.

[JonnyR]

I would imagine the sugar-relationships dynamic could certainly play out like a "Pretty Woman" scenario for sure!

I mean that was pretty much a sugar relationship -- in the truest sense.

Until feelings got involved for both people...

Most dating apps these days are starting to tilt to "IRL" meetings. In fact I've seen quite a few talked about lately that fully rely on in-person meetings ONLY!

You submit your information, and they coordinate a "blind" date at selected locations that are pre-vetted and safe where you meet your match -- then you exchange info if you want to, and otherwise move forward and onward.

It takes a lot of the guesswork out, and also the momentum -- because if you don't choose to meet, you don't get to even SEE what that person looks like! LOL -- some also do show you a picture beforehand, so you might really be tempted just based on that and not knowing anything else too, since it is more curated.

Currently, I am in an ENM relationship where we primarily see each other, hang out, and do things, but are free to see other people if we want to. It has been like this on and off for about 20 years. And in that time we've both had: long-term relationships, a marriage, a divorce, times where we didn't communicate much, if at all, out of respect, etc.

But we keep coming back to each other, and we've found a really great place of love, trust, respect, and freedom.

So, we get the best of both worlds in terms of being free to purse others, but then not having to or needing to -- and sometimes the fact that your lover can see other people makes the chemistry and attraction off the charts -- you don't own them, they CHOOSE you (and you them) over and over, but don't take them for granted.

As I look at the littered landscape of failed marriages, rocky relationships, unhappy couples, and loneliness, I can't help but think how lucky I am.

[atskitty2]

Alison H. I think it probably happens a lot, that there are feelings that develop that don't align with the sugar-arrangement. I suppose the outcome depends on what the couple feel is necessary, and whether the feelings are mutual. I suspect that folks that choose to enter into sugar-relationships in the first place, have a pretty good idea what they want, need and are looking for, and their goal-post is a little more realistic with intentions. If that's true, maybe that mitigates some of those peripheral feelings getting in the way.

JonnyR I wasn't aware that dating apps had taken a turn in that direction. Love that! My friends that are still in the dating culture haven't mentioned it.