[Birdie_567]

Out of curiosity, what is the most respectful way you've ever been rejected or "friendzoned." I always feel terrible and like to do it in the kindest way possible because I know how much it can sting. I tend to say something along the lines of, "I'm so flattered, thank you. But... insert xyz reason." Just curious if anyone has any tried-and-true ways to not make it awkward or hurtful.

[JonnyR]

Ooo this is a good one!

So many possibilities -- for me, I have to balance being what I call "conscientiously honest" with also making sure that the door is shut if I don't want to go there.

I don't like the term "brutally honest" -- who wants to be brutalized? Why can't we have compassionate or kind honesty? I also like the term "conscientious" because you're thinking about the other person, how they feel and how they might take it and adjusting accordingly.

The key though, is not to be ambiguous -- a statement like "right now, I'm just not in a place to date..." is terrible, because it makes it seem like otherwise, you WOULD be interested.

So I;'ve come with many different ways of doing this -- it depends on whether it was a first/second date type thing, or a medium-ish relationship/situationship that was just light, but getting more serious.

The 1st/2nd dates are usually with some combination of: "I really enjoyed our X together...and at the same time, I didn't feel a romantic connection. I'm really sorry about this, but I wanted to be honest with you and wish you the best of luck."

For the longer-term ones where it was more casual, I would phrase it as something like: "I'm having a really great time with you, but when I look at our lives and personalities and values, a long-term relationship probably isn't going to work out with us."

I then give them the option of whether they'd like to continue seeing each other knowing that, or end things and respect their decision -- I've had people decide both ways.

[Acesup]

I'll be honest as a guy I have a real pet peeve or sore spot that used to make me really angry about being friend zoned. Still does except I'm married not dating so I'm not getting friend zoned by multiple girls. And when my wife does something that makes me feel like she is friend zoning me it REALLY hurts and angers me.

It stems from this. I tried my hardest to be good to women, to treat them right and try to have real relationships. And for the longest time all it ever got me was either taken advantage of by women who would literally say things like "I need a man to put me in my place or I won't respect him and I'll just walk all over him" or else it got my friend zoned by women who would then complain to me as their best friend about all the bad boys and frat boys they were banging and how awful they were to them and how there were no good guys out there. The level of disrespectful insult was not lost on me. Good guy right here. Tried to be good to you. You rewarded being a good guy by friend zoning me and then rewarded the guy who treats you like crap by having sex with him and now you are complaining about hoe there are no good guys out there. You picked your lane now don't complain when you get what you paid for.

I literally had a girl crying to me that the frat boy she was screwing after saying she just didn't see me that way and wanted to just be friends, that he was always high on special K so they couldn't have sex. Like just her telling me about that and complaining to me about that was such an intense insult to me. I never spoke to her again after that. Like thats what you get live with it. You could have had so much better with me but you didn't think I was good enough. How's that bad boy complex working out for you now.

I know its more complicated than that but that is how getting friend zoned for treating women with respect and like equals while the men that treated them like pieces of met had the same women throwing themselves at them and then crying their eyes out when the bad boys turned out to actually be bad. That kinda screwed me up a little bit.

So after that happend to me in college and then after college and the woman I had a long term relationship with and helped put through college repaid me by cheating on me her last semester I snapped. I self medicated with girls. I went full sex addict full anti commitment and I intentionally played the stereotype of the type of the bad boy women wanted then complained about. I literally did it as a joke to show them, you want the bad guy Ok here is your bad guy. And sure enough the same women who were friend zoning me were now sleeping with me when I was literally intentionally being a jerk to them and making no effort to hide the fact that all I wanted was sex. Same guy and I wasn't even really a bad boy I was playing an act, and it kept working so I kept doing it and I got sucked into the lifestyle for almost a decade.

So I personally find being friend zoned very insulting. But that is just from personal experience and trauma. I am sure there are good ways to do it respectfully. But I will say this to women. If you go out with a guy who treats you good and you friend zone him, do not then complain to him about the guys you deemed worthy of having sex with and how there are no good guys out there. Intensely insulting and hurtful. You want good guys, give your attraction and affection to guys who treat you like that and they will be everywhere. You give that to bad boys to fulfill some stupid complex and guess what that is how guys will act. That is all you will find. men go with what works.

[milanas]

I think being honest but kind is the best approach, without giving false hope, but has anyone ever rejected you in a way that actually made you appreciate their honesty?

[Birdie_567]

Honesty definitely is the best policy. I agree that not being firm can also lead to a lot of confusion and hurt. I think *Acesups response is exactly why I think it's important to reject someone properly, and I am curious what their idea of a respectful rejection looks like.

I have to say, rejecting someone in a good-faith way after a couple of dates absolutely still feels appropriate. Even if they treat you well, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there.

I've been on plenty of great dates with wonderful people, and one or both of us just didn't feel romantic chemistry. If someone's heart's not in it, I'd MUCH rather they let me know than string me along to preserve my feelings. I don't want that for them, and I certainly don't want that for me.

Staying with someone because one party thinks it's 'owed' somehow is also not a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

Just my two cents.

Rejection is inevitable when you get yourself out there. It's important to learn to give it respectfully and take it with grace.

[JonnyR]

I think Brené Brown said something along the lines of: 'Just because you've opened yourself up and are vulnerable doesn't mean you aren't going to be hurt.'

And that's both the good and bad of it.

Without that vulnerability and being open and honest and raw, you'll never experience true intimacy...and at the same time, as a result of that, when/if you inevitably feel rejection, you'll also experience it in the most intense and unpleasant way that can leave you reeling.

But with that being said, I'll always opt for honesty -- it doesn't have to be "brutal" (and I hate when people say that anyway...who the F* wants to be brutalized?) -- but I like to call it conscientious honesty....

Treat the other person's feelings, emotions, character, and humanity exactly how you'd want to be treated in the same situation.

If that is your guide, and that includes some potentially awkward and intense or embarrassing conversations when you have to reject someone else, then you'll hold your head high and know thatyou're living congruently.

[Acesup]

Honesty definitely is the best policy. I agree that not being firm can also lead to a lot of confusion and hurt. I think *Acesups response is exactly why I think it's important to reject someone properly, and I am curious what their idea of a respectful rejection looks like.

I have to say, rejecting someone in a good-faith way after a couple of dates absolutely still feels appropriate. Even if they treat you well, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there.

I've been on plenty of great dates with wonderful people, and one or both of us just didn't feel romantic chemistry. If someone's heart's not in it, I'd MUCH rather they let me know than string me along to preserve my feelings. I don't want that for them, and I certainly don't want that for me.

Staying with someone because one party thinks it's 'owed' somehow is also not a solid foundation for a healthy relationship.

Just my two cents.

Rejection is inevitable when you get yourself out there. It's important to learn to give it respectfully and take it with grace.

Thanks. You know its not even so much whether or not the rejection is respectful. Some were and some were not. It was really the friend zoning behavior after rejection and the complaining to me about the guys who they rejected me for that I found incredibly disrespectful. Women rejecting me however respectful with the "you're a nice guy but I just don't see you like that" line and then wanting to come crying to me as their friend when the "bad boys" they picked over me who they could see "like that" turned out to actually be bad. Like you made your choice girl you wanted to feed your bad boy complex don't cry about it now. You picked your lane live with it. You rewarded guys for being bad how did you think they were going to treat you. If a bad boy is what does it for you and makes you see a guy "in that way" and if you punish guys for being nice to you and treating you well and wanting to start as friends and build a relationship then you get what you paid for as far as I'm concerned. You forfeited your right to then come crying to me, the guy you rejected for being nice, about how there are no "good guys" out there and about how you are being treated by the bad boy you rejected me for. You know who I reserve these shoulders to cry on for? Women who appreciate me and think I am good enough for them and find my respecting them and treating them well a turn on and not a turn off. So that is what I find disrespectful.

Example for you. In college I called this girl who was at a different college but I had known since we were real young. She calls me back a few days later saying she can't stop thinking about me and wants to come up and see me for the weekend but she wants to take it slow and not sleep together at first and build a relationship. So I respected that and **** was that hard. Literally spent the night together in bed sleeping trying holding her trying so hard not to make a move on her because I was respecting what a woman told me she wanted and trying to do things the right way. How did I get rewarded for treating a woman as she said she wanted to be treated. A week later she tells me she just wants to be friends after all and she starts hooking up with a frat boy at William and Mary. Then invariably she is calling me as her friend crying and complaining to me about what a horrible meathead this frat boy is and how he is always high on Special K so their sex is terrible cause he is too whacked out down a K hole to function. And I'm like, seriously? You have so little respect for me who treated you as you said you wanted to be treated and tried to build a relationship with you and still tried to be your friend after being rejected for being nice and respectful to you that you are crying to me about how awful your sex life is with the bad boy you picked over me. Hell no. I am worth way more than that.

I don't think a woman "owes" me anything per se. But if me giving 110 percent isn't good enough for you to want me and feel some kind of way about me and some other guy being a bad boy treating you like crap is worth that too you, then I don't owe you the best parts of me and all my respect and effort either. Those go to the woman that appreciates me and doesn't reject me.