[KCAMP]

Hello all. I'm new. I am looking for some good advice about my relationship (or lack there of).

I have been best friends with my boyfriend for two years and he has been there for me through thick and thin. i was super depressed from a previous relationship and also had an eating disorder. With his help and therapy, i got better. Anyway, we have been dating for 6 months now and i started to get nosey (my ex bf was a porn addict and so i've learned to be super nosey when it comes to who i date). i found out he had A LOT of financial problems and he started to open up to me about them. anyway i think it all hit the fan and he realized he couldn't run from them anymore. when this happened, he told me he needed time to work things out in his life but he still wanted to be with me. but he wanted to be alone for awhile. i went a week accepting it but needed answers. so we ended up breaking up and he told me since i am not sick anymore that i needed to focus on me and focus on starting a career (i graduated in december). anyway, i went over there one night in need of answers about our relationship and he held me and rubbed my back and said he needs to figure out what he wants in life, get his life together and needs to be sure i'm the one he wants to be with the rest of his life. he said we can see what happens but either way we'll be best friends or we'll get back together but right now he just needs time to get his life together.

i'm so hurt. this is someone who has always been there for me and is pushing me away when he needs me the most. one thing: he is a southern boy (pays for everything, believes he should be the main provider for the family). part of me thinks hes pushing me away bc like he said "i can't afford to take care of both of us right now" and he wants to get his finances together. and then we can be together. right now we are "on a break"

but part of me thinks hes just pushing me away bc he doesnt want to be with me and he's trying not to hurt me.

what do you think?

[anonymouswhitefemale]

It could well be either of them. He might be a little irritated that you went snooping around him, I know that would make me lose a certain amount of trust for someone, possibly end the relationship. Also, you might have made him seem inadequate, and made him think that he couldn't look after you, and that he doesn't want your help to look after himself or whatever.

And yes, it sounds like he's invested a lot of himself into you, and he probably does need to think about himself for a while, he might want to do that for himself without wanting to rely on someone else.

[KCAMP]

well, he told me he had nothing to hide and that all his papers and letters were in a certain drawer so if i wanted to snoop its there. so i mean it's not like he didn't tell me i couldn't do it (he knew i didnt have any trust for my ex) and he did mention that he had financial problems but i also don't think he thought I wouldnt actually do it. (i didn't until he called in to see why he didnt get his fed tax return or his 600 dollars that most people got) and thats when i my ears perked up. i realized theres something more here than just that. i kept telling him i'm not going anywhere its okay and i'm there for support and to help him, and he did open up to me about a lot of it. but i think it got really worse and thats why he's pushing me away.

[damd]

He might be trying to protect you. You've rebounded form a real bad experience of a break up, he might not want to see you get too attached too soon. He probably does just wants some time to get things in order and needs you to back up a little. He is suggesting that you take the time to sort things out and get a move on with your life, do it. He still wants to be your friend and he has not ruled anything out for the future, just not right now.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Well....

I think you hit a nerve. Discussions about financial affairs takes place throughout a relationship when it gets serious...

And, it happens freely, from discussion and from commitment, love.

You "snooped" and made him play cards that he is not ready, and frankly should have to be ready to play, at such an early stage of a relationship.

This may be a concern on his behalf as far as future goes.

Secondly, he pays for "everything", yet whilst your "upset" and you said give it to you straight, you have not said, this concerns me that he obviously needs to let me pay for some things, and i need to get off my a......and contribute as well... I am no longer ill.

Some women like being looked after, they like financial things, pampering, emotions met, but what about the man?

I think you need to take a deep look at yourself, he is fighting his own battles yet carrying your burdens, then financially looking after your needs, everything he can as a romantic, compassionate man.

Help him out a bit.

Go get a job.

Tell him you have one.

Quit with what he has/doesn't have for now and work towards what you can have together.

Together, you can have a savings account and build wealth...

But I understand totally what you have been through and why you feel that you want to be sure someone is trustworthy.

But it appears to me that he has shown you that ten fold with love.

Just my opinion

CW.

[KCAMP]

I do have a job, just not a huge paycheck. and i am looking for another one at the moment. he's always told me its not how much i make, its as long as i am happy doing what i do. ive gone to job agencies, etc.

it's not like i get mad bc i want to pay.. it's more so like he feels HORRIBLE when i do pay. even if it is grabbing something to eat somewhere or paying for movies.

we both come from upper middle class families where our moms are stay at home moms and our dads work all the time. he is the traditional southern boy, goes to church, is a huge family guy etc. etc. he always wanted a girl who is going to stay at home with the kids etc. and he finally realized i don't want that (i want to work and bring in money). so i don't know if thats why he is pulling away and saying "i dont know if you are the one i want to marry.. i need to time to get my life together" etc. or if he just really does need time to get his finances in order so we can, yes, work towards a happier future. because one minute he says "we'll work through this" and the next hes like "im not sure i want to be with you." someone told me hes pushing me away so he can just concentrate on his problem and not have to worry about me (even though i dont do it anymore, everyone i know who loves me still worries about me hurting myself).

i'm trying hard to just focus on myself and get my stuff together so he can get his stuff together but its hard to just go from being with someone all the time to be alone, even though you KNOW they love you (its not like we hate eachother or one of us cheated, we do care about one another).

time is so slow. *sigh*

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Then it appears that the issues are with himself. He wants the relationship to be the way he has been bought up.. The "Man" looks after the woman.

Perhaps, he needs to understand that we live in a different world today and there are not enough funds to go around on one income, no matter how hard he tries to make it happen that way, it's not feasible.

It is important for you to have your own independance, own income, you never know when you need it, and in a relationship, it's great to share.

A joint bank account for future would be ideal, but it seems he has old fashioned values.

You are two different people in this regard, and somehow this needs to be equal, but i'm not sure if he can change and i don't think you should not work, so it's hard.

As an earlier poster stated, perhaps he feels inadequate, and just can't cope with it, debt pulls you down, depression creaps in, as you feel you can't jump over the hurdle and in the meantime, he can't help himself but to pay for you, so further pulling him into debt.

KCAMP
(even though i dont do it anymore, everyone i know who loves me still worries about me hurting myself).

I"m pleased that you don't do it anymore. And, that you are out there making something of your life..

If he's right for you it will work, if not, then there is someone else out there that you can be equal with...

Take it all slowly...

CW

[damd]

It's good to see that you are doing something with your time. I know how hard it can be going from one day having your world around someone then the next day, not. It's doesn't get easier overnight and it won't get easier tomorrow, but after some time it will. The best thing is to stay busy. You don't need to cling to a guy to keep you up, you'll find out how strong you really are. I also happy to hear that you are not going to hurt yourself, that won't accomplish anything. Life sometimes takes us in directions that we can be unsure of, but you'll be amazed where it will take you. The sun will rise tomorrow...

[KCAMP]

ok i just had a scary thought. help me out.

when i say he has financial problems and that i kind of was triggered by it bc he didnt get his fed tax return or the 600 that most people got bc he owed money... well when i did snoop i found letters from the irs, etc. and he says he owes money to his family (and says the irs stuff is taken care of bc of taking his tax return).

but the thing is.. for awhile i've thought he had a gambling problem (he even admitted he had a problem with gambling a few years ago). and he made a comment that he doesnt want me over there all the time anymore. i'm scared that hes has taken to online gambling to try and pay off his debt. we went to vegas two months ago and i saw his money problem in action.

i'm going to talk to my therapist today about it and see if this could be the case. i know with my porn addicted ex, he spent all his time dedicated to his addiction when he was stressed out at work and frustrated with life and it became his life 24/7. i hope its not the case with this one... please tell me im being paranoid.

[damd]

The IRS, what can you do? Stop meddling in his finances. You are just going to p*ss him off.

Gambling, do you have any evidence that he is gambling? Has his family or friends notice this? You might be right, you might be wrong.

If you are right, then he probably needs help or needs to hits bottom. That can get really ugly.

If you are wrong. Your constent meddling after he ask you to back off is just going to p*ss him off more. Be careful not to find things wrong just so that you feel that he needs you to be there.

Approach this would be problem with care.