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Why does he tell me he doesn't love me?

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  • Why does he tell me he doesn't love me?

    I've been dating a guy for 15 months and we a very strong foundation of friendship as well as a close relationship. He was very resistant toward being commited (at least in the beginning) because he was in the US Marines for 4 years. He spent 2 of those years in Iraq, so naturally, he would feel like he would want to experience some freedom for a while before he would want to commit to someone. He also experienced heartbreak by another young woman while he was in Iraq. I spent a lot of time with him, listening to him, comforting him... and giving him space because I knew he had been hurt.
    We have been strongly committed for about 6 months now. He always tells me how lucky we were to have found each other, and how happy he is to have me in his life. He has also asked me if I loved him. I told him "yes I do", but then he tells me he doesn't feel the same. He says he likes me a lot, but cannot say "I love you" to me or he would be lying. I know most people would think... (this means that he must still love that other woman) but he always tells me that he is relieved... that he KNOWS he is over her... that she is not an issue anymore. He always goes out of his way to tell me how much I mean to him and that he never wants to lose me.
    I'm I just being impatient? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Why did he even bother asking if I loved him if he couldn't say it back? I wanted to keep those feelings to myself until it was the right time to say it. When he asked me... I really thought he'd say it back.

  • Maybe he is just being honest with you and he does not love you yet? I find it a little odd that he wants to know if you love him since he does not feel the same. I would feel awkward asking that. 15 months is a long enough time to relize if you love someone. Then again, we are all different. He might just need more time. I am a little concern that this might be a control mechanism for him.
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    • What does love mean to him?

      I guess in this instance you need to know exactly what love means to him. Personally I can't imagine spending a year and a half of my life with someone if I didn't love them on some level. However, does he mean "in love" and is his definition of that mean that he wants to end up marrying you? In that case I could understand that he might not be ready for that kind of commitment, even though he cares about you a lot. Maybe you two need to talk about this a little more in depth. It is possible that you feel the same way about each other but just have different definitions of "love."
      One word of caution, however. I spent three years of my life with someone that I thought loved me, although he never said it. It took me a long time to realize that I was deluding myself and I regret that I hadn't seen sooner that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him. So if this is a big concern to you I would reccommend getting some clarification from this man. Communication is the most important thing, and in matters like this assuming can be the worst thing for your relationship.
      Good luck and best wishes, my dear.

      Comment


      • My mom told me about a relationship she was in when she was younger where her long term boyfriend would refuse to say "i love you" because he thought it would give her "too much control" over the relationship. This could be the case with your man. If it is, I would suggest moving on from him. Someone who is too afraid to tell you that they love you because their afraid of losing control does not understand how to be a part of a loving, secure and equal relationship.

        This of course, may not be the reason he doesn't say it.

        Comment


        • I would say that you concentrated in the initial stages of listening to him, being a friend, supporting him, getting him over the pain and hurt and as such, he warmed to that, needed that and found a "friend".

          I would also say that he is not over her. In as much as the hurt side of it and therefore, can't commit...

          He wants to know that you love him, because he needs to feel loved.

          But, truthfully, if he can't jump over the hurdle of past hurt, and he can't see you as anything other than a friend he loves, as aposed to being "in love" then you are wasting precious time.

          Usually, being strong and walking away makes someone realise exactly what they feel and he will either see that he does love you but just doesn't want to admit it, or that he loves your friendship and can't give any more than that.

          By doing this, you will ascertain for yourself, if it is still the same old, same old, or if he changed his tune for the better.

          Hard to do, but that would be my advice.

          CW
          PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

          Comment


          • hey hey,

            I'm a guy, I belong to a guy's self improvement forum called ............ which is ALL about this kind of stuff. Though usually the roles are reversed and the guys are the ones trying to figure the girls out.

            ANYWAY

            From a guys point of view though, the best way to improve on yourself AND a relationship is to view any outcome as a direct result of your actions. One you do that, you are in total control of your social life, since you are accountable and can fix ANYTHING that goes wrong in an interaction.

            SO more specifically this guy doesn't believe he's inlove with you.

            "giving it time" isn't a solution. Attraction isn't a choice and time isn't going to magically solve that. The only way to is to understand that you must be doing something that it preventing him from feeling a deep rapport and bond with you, which can be a vast number of things.

            I'm willing to assume you ALWAYS see him, ALWAYS call him, buy him things and in general spoil him with kindness... While this creates AFFECTION, it doesn't do all that much in terms of ATTRACTION. The best thing you can do right now is give him the gift of missing you.

            How do you do that? Well for a start, don't call him as often, let him call you. Don't buy him gifts, you can't BUY somones love so it is only really a temporary high and MOST IMPORTANTLY, tease him, be a CHALLENGE.

            Don't EVER give him everything he wants and asks for. Let him work for it. If he want's a massage, tease him...

            If you resist he will chase. Simple reverse psychology.

            Hope this helps ciao ciao
            Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 08-12-2008, 01:11 AM. Reason: advertising another Forum not allowed
            Rapid


            Known by all for his rugged good looks, irresistable charm and GREATEST of all... His incredible MODESTY

            Comment


            • it's been 15mths and he still does not love you...maybe it's time for you to move on...if he's fighting it i'm guessing he has a couple issues upstairs...Love just happens and you should not have to work for it or beg for it...

              Comment


              • Originally posted by Rapid'87 View Post
                hey hey,

                I'm a guy, I belong to a guy's self improvement forum called ............ which is ALL about this kind of stuff. Though usually the roles are reversed and the guys are the ones trying to figure the girls out.

                ANYWAY

                From a guys point of view though, the best way to improve on yourself AND a relationship is to view any outcome as a direct result of your actions. One you do that, you are in total control of your social life, since you are accountable and can fix ANYTHING that goes wrong in an interaction.

                SO more specifically this guy doesn't believe he's inlove with you.

                "giving it time" isn't a solution. Attraction isn't a choice and time isn't going to magically solve that. The only way to is to understand that you must be doing something that it preventing him from feeling a deep rapport and bond with you, which can be a vast number of things.

                I'm willing to assume you ALWAYS see him, ALWAYS call him, buy him things and in general spoil him with kindness... While this creates AFFECTION, it doesn't do all that much in terms of ATTRACTION. The best thing you can do right now is give him the gift of missing you.

                How do you do that? Well for a start, don't call him as often, let him call you. Don't buy him gifts, you can't BUY somones love so it is only really a temporary high and MOST IMPORTANTLY, tease him, be a CHALLENGE.

                Don't EVER give him everything he wants and asks for. Let him work for it. If he want's a massage, tease him...

                If you resist he will chase. Simple reverse psychology.

                Hope this helps ciao ciao
                Um, I have to disagree with basically all of this. Playing games is not the answer...and changing your behavior to try and inspire different feelings in someone else is just that...playing games and lying.

                However, I do think that it's your job to teach people how to treat you. And if you're allowing this relationship to continue while he messes around with your emotions, you're teaching him that it's ok to lead you on and be inconsiderate of your feelings. I think it's time to leave the relationship. You're not having your emotional needs met.
                Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.

                Comment


                • well i had a friend that did the same. he had cheated on his gf and felt ashamed telling her he loved her. now its hard for me to write this because i don't want you thinking hes cheating on you. i also know guys who hasn't told their gf of a year he loved her as well.he never cheated on her but it never went anywhere. so in this case it may be best to move on because if he can't completely commit, and you want marriage you might not get it. i know its not what you want to hear

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                  • silvertae, I have to respectfully diagree...

                    His feelings are a direct result of her behaviour, whatever that may be.

                    For things to change you have to be willing to change the way you interact in a relationship otherwise don't even bother being in it.

                    Call it what you will, but at the end of the day anything she does is then classified as
                    "playing games" because it is not how she usually handles the relation****. Might be more helpful to view it as improvement rather than manipulation.
                    Rapid


                    Known by all for his rugged good looks, irresistable charm and GREATEST of all... His incredible MODESTY

                    Comment


                    • You're with a guy for one year and three months. He's not telling you that he loves you because "it would be a lie." I'm guessing, from the way you've written this, that this is an intimate relationship.

                      The blunt reality is that he is not who you're supposed to be with. You don't have to have a "Come to Jesus" talk with him, but let him know what you're wants and needs are for a relationship with him. If he's not able to do that for you, as I'm sure you're doing everything you can to satisfy him, then you'll need to break it off, take some time for yourself (ie get pampered) before getting back out there.

                      OG
                      Through hypnosis, I create confident men and women to succeed in all facets of their lives. This place will soon get very interesting!

                      Comment


                      • I agree with several others here that say "this is not the guy for you".

                        I have 2 blunt questions for you. What makes you think that you don't deserve more than what this guy has to offer? Why don't you value your "self" more than that? I don't say this to be rude, just to point something out to you that "could" be a possibility. I think you may be selling yourself short.

                        What bugs me about this guy is that he wants you to "love him" and all, but he only sees that as a one way street. That tells me you're nothing to him other than a convenient ego-booster.

                        You sound like a great girl. Really nice, sweet, the sort of "do anything for my man" kind of girl. You are awesome. Don't settle for some guy who's only out to boost his ego on you. Because you're writing in to us, I know YOU know something is wrong here. Well, it's not YOU ok? It's HIM. Do yourself a favor and take a walk out of his life. I've known of a few situations with guys like this in the past and I've never known of it to work out great for the girl.

                        Good luck. You are a nice girl and you deserve more than that.
                        Cheers.

                        Comment


                        • Originally posted by Rapid'87 View Post
                          silvertae, I have to respectfully diagree...

                          His feelings are a direct result of her behaviour, whatever that may be.

                          For things to change you have to be willing to change the way you interact in a relationship otherwise don't even bother being in it.

                          Call it what you will, but at the end of the day anything she does is then classified as
                          "playing games" because it is not how she usually handles the relation****. Might be more helpful to view it as improvement rather than manipulation.
                          I disagree that his feelings must be a direct result of her behaviour. That's simply not always the way human feelings work. When a woman is abused by her partner but continues to love him, are her feelings of love a result of his abusive behaviour? I think not. (I'm not saying the poster is abused, just making a point).

                          If the poster were being manipulative, abusive, nagging, suffocating, etc to her boyfriend, I could understand you saying that his lack of love for her were a result of her actions. But I didn't get any sense of that from her post. It seems she's merely attempting to be a loving, supporting girlfriend and I think it's completely illogical to suggest that she change to a more distant, standoffish behaviour pattern in order to engender feelings of love in him. That's just not the right way to make someone love you. They should love you for the good they see in you, how much they enjoy spending time with you, etc. Not because you've acted contrary to your nature in order to get them. Plus, the boyfriend admits all the things he likes about her and how wonderful she is. It seems he just doesn't have any passion for her. That's probably what's missing the most.

                          I shower my boyfriend with hugs and kisses and make him feel loved. He does the same for me. If I had to change my affectionate ways in order to try and make him miss me and see me as a challenge, that would be a fundamental incompatibility between us and would indicate we weren't right for each other.

                          Btw, would you PM me with the forum you tried to reference? I didn't see it before it was removed from your post and I'd like to check it out.

                          Originally posted by silvertae View Post

                          Btw, would you PM me with the forum you tried to reference? I didn't see it before it was removed from your post and I'd like to check it out.
                          Nevermind, I saw it in one of your other posts and all I can do is LOL.
                          Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 08-13-2008, 04:45 PM. Reason: Merge Posts
                          Well some people say that you shouldn't tempt fate, and for them I can not disagree. But I never learned nothing from playing it safe; I say fate should not tempt me. I take my chances.

                          Comment


                          • Originally posted by hugsnkisses143 View Post
                            I'm I just being impatient?.
                            Yes you are.
                            Originally posted by hugsnkisses143 View Post
                            Is there something I'm doing wrong?
                            By the sound of it i think your doing allot of right things. You said you've been going out for a few months now, its normal for two people that find each other attractive to feel like there is some sort of bond being created (Love). For women its easier to fall in love, because women naturally seek a sense of security and passion.

                            Originally posted by hugsnkisses143 View Post
                            Why did he even bother asking if I loved him if he couldn't say it back?
                            I believe he asked you because he was wondering himself if he was starting to fall in love with you. By you saying you are in love with him i believe you set to rest a thought of "Maybe she doesn't love me."

                            Its a much safer statement then saying "I love you hugsnkisses" and hoping that your going to reply back "I love you too."

                            He may have a fear of commitment. You said he was hurt before. Some men take rejection very hard and it does effect our ego tremendously.

                            I believe actions speak louder then words. Does it really mater if he says loves you oppose to showing you that he loves you. Naturally words are imperfect symbols.

                            Originally posted by hugsnkisses143 View Post
                            I wanted to keep those feelings to myself until it was the right time to say it. When he asked me... I really thought he'd say it back.
                            Don't we all. A fear of rejection is what stops many couples from telling the other how they feel.

                            You shouldn't be soo outcome dependant.

                            Just know from my own personal experience that its much more rewarding letting your love know how you feel. One in particular I loved her more then life itself however i never got the chance to tell her. She passed away and i will never be able to tell her.

                            However, A common mistake both men and women have is confessing there feelings to soon. I don't think that is the case here.

                            Hope this helps
                            Live laugh and love
                            Nice guys don't finish last, weak guys finish last.

                            Comment


                            • Originally posted by silvertae
                              Nevermind, I saw it in one of your other posts and all I can do is LOL.
                              You would hah
                              Rapid


                              Known by all for his rugged good looks, irresistable charm and GREATEST of all... His incredible MODESTY

                              Comment

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