[hugsnkisses143]

I've been dating a guy for 15 months and we a very strong foundation of friendship as well as a close relationship. He was very resistant toward being commited (at least in the beginning) because he was in the US Marines for 4 years. He spent 2 of those years in Iraq, so naturally, he would feel like he would want to experience some freedom for a while before he would want to commit to someone. He also experienced heartbreak by another young woman while he was in Iraq. I spent a lot of time with him, listening to him, comforting him... and giving him space because I knew he had been hurt.
We have been strongly committed for about 6 months now. He always tells me how lucky we were to have found each other, and how happy he is to have me in his life. He has also asked me if I loved him. I told him "yes I do", but then he tells me he doesn't feel the same. He says he likes me a lot, but cannot say "I love you" to me or he would be lying. I know most people would think... (this means that he must still love that other woman) but he always tells me that he is relieved... that he KNOWS he is over her... that she is not an issue anymore. He always goes out of his way to tell me how much I mean to him and that he never wants to lose me.
I'm I just being impatient? Is there something I'm doing wrong? Why did he even bother asking if I loved him if he couldn't say it back? I wanted to keep those feelings to myself until it was the right time to say it. When he asked me... I really thought he'd say it back.

[damd]

Maybe he is just being honest with you and he does not love you yet? I find it a little odd that he wants to know if you love him since he does not feel the same. I would feel awkward asking that. 15 months is a long enough time to relize if you love someone. Then again, we are all different. He might just need more time. I am a little concern that this might be a control mechanism for him.

[acadialost]

What does love mean to him?

I guess in this instance you need to know exactly what love means to him. Personally I can't imagine spending a year and a half of my life with someone if I didn't love them on some level. However, does he mean "in love" and is his definition of that mean that he wants to end up marrying you? In that case I could understand that he might not be ready for that kind of commitment, even though he cares about you a lot. Maybe you two need to talk about this a little more in depth. It is possible that you feel the same way about each other but just have different definitions of "love."
One word of caution, however. I spent three years of my life with someone that I thought loved me, although he never said it. It took me a long time to realize that I was deluding myself and I regret that I hadn't seen sooner that he didn't care about me as much as I cared about him. So if this is a big concern to you I would reccommend getting some clarification from this man. Communication is the most important thing, and in matters like this assuming can be the worst thing for your relationship.
Good luck and best wishes, my dear.

[electriclime]

My mom told me about a relationship she was in when she was younger where her long term boyfriend would refuse to say "i love you" because he thought it would give her "too much control" over the relationship. This could be the case with your man. If it is, I would suggest moving on from him. Someone who is too afraid to tell you that they love you because their afraid of losing control does not understand how to be a part of a loving, secure and equal relationship.

This of course, may not be the reason he doesn't say it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I would say that you concentrated in the initial stages of listening to him, being a friend, supporting him, getting him over the pain and hurt and as such, he warmed to that, needed that and found a "friend".

I would also say that he is not over her. In as much as the hurt side of it and therefore, can't commit...

He wants to know that you love him, because he needs to feel loved.

But, truthfully, if he can't jump over the hurdle of past hurt, and he can't see you as anything other than a friend he loves, as aposed to being "in love" then you are wasting precious time.

Usually, being strong and walking away makes someone realise exactly what they feel and he will either see that he does love you but just doesn't want to admit it, or that he loves your friendship and can't give any more than that.

By doing this, you will ascertain for yourself, if it is still the same old, same old, or if he changed his tune for the better.

Hard to do, but that would be my advice.

CW

[Rapid'87]

hey hey,

I'm a guy, I belong to a guy's self improvement forum called ............ which is ALL about this kind of stuff. Though usually the roles are reversed and the guys are the ones trying to figure the girls out.

ANYWAY

From a guys point of view though, the best way to improve on yourself AND a relationship is to view any outcome as a direct result of your actions. One you do that, you are in total control of your social life, since you are accountable and can fix ANYTHING that goes wrong in an interaction.

SO more specifically this guy doesn't believe he's inlove with you.

"giving it time" isn't a solution. Attraction isn't a choice and time isn't going to magically solve that. The only way to is to understand that you must be doing something that it preventing him from feeling a deep rapport and bond with you, which can be a vast number of things.

I'm willing to assume you ALWAYS see him, ALWAYS call him, buy him things and in general spoil him with kindness... While this creates AFFECTION, it doesn't do all that much in terms of ATTRACTION. The best thing you can do right now is give him the gift of missing you.

How do you do that? Well for a start, don't call him as often, let him call you. Don't buy him gifts, you can't BUY somones love so it is only really a temporary high and MOST IMPORTANTLY, tease him, be a CHALLENGE.

Don't EVER give him everything he wants and asks for. Let him work for it. If he want's a massage, tease him...

If you resist he will chase. Simple reverse psychology.

Hope this helps ciao ciao

[Guest]

it's been 15mths and he still does not love you...maybe it's time for you to move on...if he's fighting it i'm guessing he has a couple issues upstairs...Love just happens and you should not have to work for it or beg for it...

[silvertae]

hey hey,

I'm a guy, I belong to a guy's self improvement forum called ............ which is ALL about this kind of stuff. Though usually the roles are reversed and the guys are the ones trying to figure the girls out.

ANYWAY

From a guys point of view though, the best way to improve on yourself AND a relationship is to view any outcome as a direct result of your actions. One you do that, you are in total control of your social life, since you are accountable and can fix ANYTHING that goes wrong in an interaction.

SO more specifically this guy doesn't believe he's inlove with you.

"giving it time" isn't a solution. Attraction isn't a choice and time isn't going to magically solve that. The only way to is to understand that you must be doing something that it preventing him from feeling a deep rapport and bond with you, which can be a vast number of things.

I'm willing to assume you ALWAYS see him, ALWAYS call him, buy him things and in general spoil him with kindness... While this creates AFFECTION, it doesn't do all that much in terms of ATTRACTION. The best thing you can do right now is give him the gift of missing you.

How do you do that? Well for a start, don't call him as often, let him call you. Don't buy him gifts, you can't BUY somones love so it is only really a temporary high and MOST IMPORTANTLY, tease him, be a CHALLENGE.

Don't EVER give him everything he wants and asks for. Let him work for it. If he want's a massage, tease him...

If you resist he will chase. Simple reverse psychology.

Hope this helps ciao ciao

Um, I have to disagree with basically all of this. Playing games is not the answer...and changing your behavior to try and inspire different feelings in someone else is just that...playing games and lying.

However, I do think that it's your job to teach people how to treat you. And if you're allowing this relationship to continue while he messes around with your emotions, you're teaching him that it's ok to lead you on and be inconsiderate of your feelings. I think it's time to leave the relationship. You're not having your emotional needs met.

[Someguy]

well i had a friend that did the same. he had cheated on his gf and felt ashamed telling her he loved her. now its hard for me to write this because i don't want you thinking hes cheating on you. i also know guys who hasn't told their gf of a year he loved her as well.he never cheated on her but it never went anywhere. so in this case it may be best to move on because if he can't completely commit, and you want marriage you might not get it. i know its not what you want to hear

[Rapid'87]

silvertae, I have to respectfully diagree...

His feelings are a direct result of her behaviour, whatever that may be.

For things to change you have to be willing to change the way you interact in a relationship otherwise don't even bother being in it.

Call it what you will, but at the end of the day anything she does is then classified as
"playing games" because it is not how she usually handles the relation****. Might be more helpful to view it as improvement rather than manipulation.