Without writing a book, I've had a kind of weird life and spent a number years "out" of the mainstream world in a very controlling, emotionally abusive relationship/religion. I broke out of that more than 10 years ago at a high price in terms of personal security. I'm presently involved in a very expensive court battle over my teens right to make their own choices in life and to not be pushed into arranged marriages and such.
I remarried a couple years after getting out of this relationship and dealt with years of financial hardship and his very poor health. I nursed him through testicular cancer and several other problems and finally after counseling left, understanding that you can't have a balanced relationship with a narcissist. I've done a lot of work on myself, counseling and understanding the choices I've made and trying to re- establish my sense of self.
A few months ago, I fell and fell hard for a very special man, who has been burned in relationships several times, most particularly about a year ago. We are both agreed that neither of us ever wants to remarry, that is not on the table now or in the future. He is very skittlish about the 'L' word and we are early in the relationship, I'm not pusing on that. I was a bit unsure of my sexual responsiveness going into this. I had an active and enjoyable sex life in my youth but had close to 20 years of lousy or none. My take on that is none is better than lousy but who wants either!
Much to my delight I found myself fully responsive to his slightest touch and still multi orgasmic. We live fairly close together and I'm a snuggler, I love to touch and be touched. Things seemed to be going really well and I was starting to feeling trusting enough to be able to express what I wanted to him. Recently he has backed off big time, we've gone from having sex 4 or 5 times a week with some oral thrown in, to a bj once a week and that's about it. I initiated sex a week ago and it was pretty clear he was put out about it, I wasn't agressive, it was good but he was not happy. Since then he's become less physical, I get a hug or a peck on the lips but that's about it for intimacy.
He's made a few comments about privacy and needing time to himself and I've tried to respect that but then he turns around initiates contact, so I get a kind of mixed message thing. I'm not clear when it's OK or not. I know we are both emotionally vulnerable right now but we've talked in the past and agreed that there is potential for us to have something special that really lasts. I don't meet many men that I'm really attracted to, this man draws a range of feeling that emcompasses total comfort with him combined with an intense level of attraction. He's not talking right now and he's usually pretty clear about what he is feeling and thinking. My guess is that he may be feeling that he's headed into emotional territory that he doesn't want to be in. We agreed to a manogamous 'freindship' and I don't believe that has changed. He would tell me if it had. I know he is very busy with work right now and has some financial challenges (who in the US doesn't right now?). We have been talking about starting a business together.
My question is how do I handle this? I'd rather back off and keep the freindship even if it's sexless, than have him walk out of my life. He's a wonderful freind. I'm not looking to be madly in love, I gave up that fairly tale a long time ago. I want a best freind who is a good lover and he just may be prove to be that. I'm willing to give him time and space but how do I keep it balanced? So I'm not pushing but he also doesn't feel like I'm trying to find a nice way out? He has warned me that he is good a sabotaging relationships - he's done a lot of counseling too. We are two wounded people who just might have a chance at accepting each other and being happy together but we have to survive this. I can talk to girl freinds all day but it takes a male mind to understand another male.
I remarried a couple years after getting out of this relationship and dealt with years of financial hardship and his very poor health. I nursed him through testicular cancer and several other problems and finally after counseling left, understanding that you can't have a balanced relationship with a narcissist. I've done a lot of work on myself, counseling and understanding the choices I've made and trying to re- establish my sense of self.
A few months ago, I fell and fell hard for a very special man, who has been burned in relationships several times, most particularly about a year ago. We are both agreed that neither of us ever wants to remarry, that is not on the table now or in the future. He is very skittlish about the 'L' word and we are early in the relationship, I'm not pusing on that. I was a bit unsure of my sexual responsiveness going into this. I had an active and enjoyable sex life in my youth but had close to 20 years of lousy or none. My take on that is none is better than lousy but who wants either!
Much to my delight I found myself fully responsive to his slightest touch and still multi orgasmic. We live fairly close together and I'm a snuggler, I love to touch and be touched. Things seemed to be going really well and I was starting to feeling trusting enough to be able to express what I wanted to him. Recently he has backed off big time, we've gone from having sex 4 or 5 times a week with some oral thrown in, to a bj once a week and that's about it. I initiated sex a week ago and it was pretty clear he was put out about it, I wasn't agressive, it was good but he was not happy. Since then he's become less physical, I get a hug or a peck on the lips but that's about it for intimacy.
He's made a few comments about privacy and needing time to himself and I've tried to respect that but then he turns around initiates contact, so I get a kind of mixed message thing. I'm not clear when it's OK or not. I know we are both emotionally vulnerable right now but we've talked in the past and agreed that there is potential for us to have something special that really lasts. I don't meet many men that I'm really attracted to, this man draws a range of feeling that emcompasses total comfort with him combined with an intense level of attraction. He's not talking right now and he's usually pretty clear about what he is feeling and thinking. My guess is that he may be feeling that he's headed into emotional territory that he doesn't want to be in. We agreed to a manogamous 'freindship' and I don't believe that has changed. He would tell me if it had. I know he is very busy with work right now and has some financial challenges (who in the US doesn't right now?). We have been talking about starting a business together.
My question is how do I handle this? I'd rather back off and keep the freindship even if it's sexless, than have him walk out of my life. He's a wonderful freind. I'm not looking to be madly in love, I gave up that fairly tale a long time ago. I want a best freind who is a good lover and he just may be prove to be that. I'm willing to give him time and space but how do I keep it balanced? So I'm not pushing but he also doesn't feel like I'm trying to find a nice way out? He has warned me that he is good a sabotaging relationships - he's done a lot of counseling too. We are two wounded people who just might have a chance at accepting each other and being happy together but we have to survive this. I can talk to girl freinds all day but it takes a male mind to understand another male.
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