[Lost]

Hello to all. I've been lurking around for a few days now and thought i would share my story with you with the hope of getting this out and finding a resolution to my . I don't know where exactly to start so i'll start with the immediate problem. I tend to get into too much detail so please bear with me.

November 10th, 2006, I was a busy, stressed out office manager, it was a Friday and i couldn't wait until 430 to leave work to pick up my two older children(previous marriage) that lived two hours away(long story). It was 330pm when i received a phone call from the step mother informing me my daughter had a cheerleading practice she forgot about and needed to attend. Although i was dissappointed that i would not get the visit, i understood and figured it was probably for the best seeing my husband and i needed a relaxing weekend. At 430 i jumped in the car and headed home...it was an hour drive. I thought i would give him a call and tell him the news about the kids and that we could make other plans since we had it to ourselves.

Out of no where something told me do Not call him. Not only do not call him, but go home and see if he's there. Please understand i never suspected or felt any need to suspect him of anything. So, even though i felt this was almost ridiculous to entertain, i did just to prove ''it'' wrong. I get home, pick a time of 515, and tell myself if he's not home by 515 i should go looking for him. Needless to say, that time came and went and i was out the door driving toward his job. This is when panic started to sink in, when i thought this might actually be what i think it could be. He might really be cheating on me and i have no way of proving this yet but something is propelling me forward with this. I start to call his cell, no answer, call, call, no answer. More panic and now i'm getting angry but at the same time thinking maybe he had to work late and can't answer?

I finally get to his job site and do not see his truck there so i decide to drive back home. He finally calls at 3 till 7. He sounds a little weird but asks if i got the kids. I said ''Yeah, we're on our way and should be there in about an hour.'' I asked why he didn't answer my calls and...of course...he says he had to work late. Oh Really? What time did you get home? Around 445. Reminder: i was home until 515. As soon as the numbers came out of his mouth i felt this poison gush through my veins!!!! This was a nightmare i knew no one was going to rescue me from and it was just the beginning.

Needless to say, we spent the next 6 months or so staying up late, me crying, angry, screaming, listening to his lies and more lies on top of lies. I was relentless seeking the Utmost Truth.. that's the least he could give. He swore to me there was no sex involved, only an emotional affair with a kiss, lunches everyday together(this was a co-worker), late night talking(when i stayed a couple of nights a week with my newly widowed sister) and a lot of holding hands. This went on for four months and i didn't have a clue(well i did but only knew that after the fact).

My body went into over-drive..heart, mind, body and soul. Everything i thought he was, he was not. Everything we could have been, faded away. I felt like i was standing naked, alone, in the middle of nothingness, and no one was going to rescue me. I cried out to God to please take me now or numb the pain! I have never in my life felt so dead...

There are reminders everywhere. She is Asian, so everywhere i go i am reminded with flashbacks and pain. Just seeing an Asian woman brings up the pain, chinese restraunts, my fav. nail place, hair dresser... i can't escape.

It's close to being two years and here i am. We were watching a movie Saturday night and of course...right at the beginning of the movie...two asian females. Instantly, this time, i felt the poison releasing itself, again. Probably because they were half naked. Since then there is this bubbling crude of emotion. It's not fair that i continue to feel he is indebted to me. It's also not fair for him to **** on me and remind me how long it's been(basically saying i need to hurry up and get over it). I know i haven't forgiven him...like i thought i had. It's like I've been walking around like the living dead for the last two years and i just woke up. There are so many details to this story so i hope it sheds a little light on the whole situation.

Please help.

-I'm lost.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You are a good writer, in a scriptical way, of telling a story, kind of shows creativity in your way of thinking.

Women have intuition... As such, you do know why you searched because something made you feel, something was wrong.

Generally, this is the relationship itself... Something was wrong before this date, things were not bubbly around the house, between the pair of you, and possibly sexually as well.

Men:- If he had an "emotional affair" same thing... He was going through the same motions, something is missing and missing big time at home, in my marriage I am un-happy, i am not looking for sex, rather "love"...

Now two years have passed and you've both missed the initual ingredients, something was missing and we still have not worked that out, nor have we dealt with it, healed it, we just are.

What do you think will therefore happen from here?

I am going to sound nasty for sure, but then I say what comes straight to my mind when reading a thread, and trust me, i have read thousands, look at my count.

Your not looking at the core of the issue and how to fix that.

You are looking at "poor me" the cheated wife, even though it wasn't cheating in the sexual department side, which means that your husband loves you.

Where in effect it is the "poor us" , we stuffed things up, we grew apart, we forgot to love each other along the way, we got into the rut of husband and wife, father and mother, employees.

Now, you say there is more, so please note I am only answered based on your thread, not the more.

If there is more, ie) he has done this before, he is angry at home, etc, and has been for years, you need to tell that more.

But, if this is the jist of what you are saying, than have a good think about it.

Especially the part I highlighted and if so, sit down and discuss that part, what is missing , go back and remember when you first met, when you were first together and compare it to 3 years, ago, 2 years ago and now.

Because if you don't work to a solution, then the marriage is going to get worse to the point of possibly no marriage at all.

CW

[Lakerat]

Well said CW

If you dont find a release for this anger IT WILL EAT YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU LOVE....do you really want to spend the rest of your life feeling like this...I bet its not only affecting you and your husband I bet its seeped into every aspect of your life.
Take a step back ...quit looking at what he did to you...look at what YOU need to do to make YOU happy again. Forgiveing is hard.. forgetting near impossable... but you need to come to terms in some way. Not just for your relationship but so YOU can Be YOU again....goodluck wish ya the best.

[Lost]

First, i would like to say, CW, your post was not in the least bit nasty. Your honest opinion opened my eyes. I thought i may have been having a pity party but always excused it as i thought it was justified. The post was not what i was expecting so, it took me by surprise in a 'WAKE UP' kind of way. There are indeed so many components to this pain, but realized through your post, what i have been doing is creating more hurt for Myself.

I cannot change what he did. I cannot take back the great things he said about her and the bad things he said about me. I cannot take back all the lies he told. I cannot take back the love he had for her. But i can and will find myself and seek peace in my heart.

I thought i had to please him by some how being like her. I did not know her, but I would try to be her, the woman he was seeking, and slowly killing myself in the process. Everytime he kissed me, i saw and felt him kissing her. Everytime we were ''intimate'' i saw him making love to her. He says he did not sleep with her because she said ''not yet'' and swears they did not.

This is one of my biggest struggles. How do i know he did not sleep with her? How do i stop seeing her when i'm with him? He lied to me over and over for a year and a half after. Part of me believes he did not and part believes he did and is too afraid to tell me knowing i will leave him forever. Do i call her or do i make myself believe he is telling the truth?

I will start at the core, but i'm afraid these humps mentioned above will be a road block for me. I truely appreciate any and all suggestions from anyone. It helps to get other points of view, it truely does.

[Lost]

Ok. Instead of calling, i first sent an email to see if she would be 'kind' enough to reply and she did. I asked questions i for the most part knew the answers to and some i did not. Here is my email to her:

Hello Linda,

It’s been a while, I know. I would like to ask you a few questions regarding the affair you had with my husband. You never gave any type of an apology and I never really expected you would, but I would like to ask you a few questions. I seek your truthful answers and if you answer them as such, you will never hear from me again.

1. Did you kiss my husband? If so, how many times and where did this occur?
2. Was there any touching involved? Please be specific.
3. Did you have sexual intercourse with him? If so, how many times and the location?
4. Did he ever tell you he loved you?


Again, I am not seeking an apology, I am simply asking you to be honest and answer the questions. I would like to bury this and cannot until I hear from you. This is all I ask.

Thanks,
Jennifer

Her resonse:

1. Yes. once during lunch break we were out in the car.
2. No.
3. No.
4. No.

This IS the very last time I answer to such interrogation.


I am so HAPPY to get this back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like it will be easier to bring closure to this and be done with it once and for all. It's been a long two years.

I started counseling again for this yesterday and the counselor mentioned maybe we should have a burial of a chinese doll or something so i could move on, but this is much better. I will send ONE follow up email to her(i know i said i wouldn't but...) and get some things off my chest and kindly place them on hers. If she responds that's ok too. This, i feel, will be better than burying a some doll!!!!

[Little]

Leave the woman alone. You promised you would. She already views your questions as "interrogation" and may file for harassment if you continue.
There is no way to "kindly" place your feelings on another person. She did not have to answer your email and was kind enough to do so ... the kind response would be to keep your promise and never contact her again.

[miffed23]

Yes, I agree with Little.

As much as i feel for your situation and hurt caused; personally, i dont feel youve gone the right way about it (sorry)... why didnt you leave him? Two years later and youre still in the same position you were two years prior... to me, thats a huge chunk of your life that you have wasted, two years that you have been never truely happy.

I realise you love him (i assume so..), but are you ever going to be able to trust him again? I couldnt...he managed to get away with the affair for 4 months, what if he finds a way to get away with it again....and for much longer next time?

I apologise that this probably isnt the advice that you want...

Decide if you can ever trust him again, if you can...leave the other woman alone, find out what went wrong within the relationship and put your soul into making sure it'll never happen again.. but you'll need him to do the same as well.

Best of luck with your decisions.

[Lost]

Not even just telling her the amount of grief they both caused? Not in a viscous way, but this is what and wish her well..the end? Not to dump hate but to therapeutically release it and it will be obvious there would be no contact from then on.

I did leave him...for about 12 hours. I came home to pick up some things and was going to tell him good bye when he broke down in tears and begged me not to leave. Until that point he didn't seem to care. I on the otherhand was still in shock by it all and really wanted answers because i was fooled for four months. Then i left twice more but came back because i wanted to believe he was telling me the truth because i loved him. Found out i was pregnant 4 months after and then had a traumatic pregnancy and birth. I'm still trying to recover physically from that and other things. I couldn't really hammer this out because i was deeply depressed and lost inside myself. I wanted to forgive him of the offense if it were only this and have tried to do just that for the last two years. The unknowns kept haunting me and i fell into a deep depression as a result of all this and other unrelated things. I know it sounds crazy but i guess it can just happen that way. I've never been cheated on before so i didn't really know how to handle it and haven't until now, but i did not want to leave and it be a mistake. I know he does love me and did make a mistake but seemed genuine in his commitment from there on. I wanted to believe him but there were still some big question marks inside. Our daughter will be 1 year old in a couple of weeks so, i look forward to finally putting this behind us and being together happily, to raise her.

[Little]

You don't have to wish her well by any means. You can hate her for the rest of your life if you want to, but leave her alone. It's been more than a year. She most likely has forgotten all about it. It's just as though someone called you up from high school asking you, "Why did you do this or that? Don't you feel bad? You ruined my life." Wouldn't you be very removed from that? Perhaps frightened that this person was stalking you?
It's a bad idea to contact her again. Bury the doll if that's what you need to do, but don't harass someone who has moved on.

[Lost]

Little, i understand your point. It just kind of ****es me off that she answers the questions and then throws out 'Interrogation'. I talked to her once two days after i found out and was trying to be Nice and just talk to resolve it then but she wouldn't have anything to do with it and signed off then proceeded to send my husband a nice long email explaining her pain and how he hurt her. Also, i feel it was an out right attempt to maybe make him feel sorry for her so she could keep the relationship. I haven't attempted to speak to her since. Her husband doesn't know about this and i could have told him but left it and i wouldn't. I feel like she's been spared the brunt of it and gets to walk away without a ''scratch''. It seems unfair but i get your point.