[crzyredhead21]

Wow CW! You nailed it! I am writing a new thread after all. But not for what you might think.

For the past few weeks I have been battling with my emotions about my current relationship. I love this man but I am no longer "in love" with him. He is the best person I have dated so far so it is soo hard to let him go! We have been together for almost 4 years....a lot of ups and downs. I left him almost two years ago as I was going through a difficult time watching both my godmother and my grandpa die, and he was never there for me. I shoudl have just stayed gone! I moved out of the aparment we shared and moved back in with my mom for a year. We got back together and moved into our current house 8 months ago. We've never had the most stable relationship as we are two very different people. I am a wild child and he is more conservative. The thing that has kept us together is our sense of humor. We can find the humor in anything and everything! He is my best friend. Unfortunatley there's not much more to our relationship than that. He stopped having sex with me for awhile. Really screwed me up... made me feel like the ugliest person in the world! He said that me wanting it so bad turned him off... that I shoudl just leave him alone and let him come to me! Problem with that is that I go through these "heats" every month and I CAN"T control it! During these times I HAVE to have sex or I can't eat, sleep, ect. Becomes all I think about. (Sick huh?) Anyways, during this time I starting talkign to this guy at work (by the way, my b/f and I work at the same place pretty closly). It just started out as an innocent friendship. He would talk to me about his problems and I eventually opened up and talked about mine. I NEVER cheated on my b/f with him but I tell you what.. it has been tempting! That was my first clue that my relationship was dead. When I was in love with him I never noticed other people. Now this other person is all I can think about.
Last Friday I tried to leave him because what I was doing was not right. I did not want to hurt him and myself by staying in a relationship I'm not feelign anymore. He cried, begged, and eventually talked me back into staying. We went on vacation for 5 days. We had a great time but still... that co-worker was in the back of my mind. I almost convinced myself by the end of the 5 days that what I was feeling for co-worker was just a crush that didn't mean anything. That is, until I got back. Now this "feeling" is stronger than ever! I'm so confused. I'm not the type to have crushes... in fact, not sure I've had one since high school. So that makes it even weirder.
I suppose you guys want to hear the point right?? Well, I've been subtly letting b/f go since we came back from vacation. I've been waiting for the right time to have our little talk again but of course those moments never seem to come. Tonight he took the decision out of my hands. He point blank asked me if I was commited to this relationship or if I was just dragging it out for his feelings. I told him the truth. He took it well for awhile. Now he is raging drunk, watching porn very loudly, and drunk calling all of his friends.
I don't know what to think abut this. I have goign round and round in circles for weeks. On one hand he is a good person... but on the other we really are not suited ofr one another... and I'm afraid of hurting him more than I already have. I do love him... and I want him to be happy. But just as importantly I want to be happy.

Sorry for such a long thread. I don't really know what to do from here. We still have 5 months left on the lease, both cars are in each others names, not to mention the pool table and boat that we jointly own and jointly pay for. I guess I'm just lost right now. I'm sorry but I guess I'm not really asking any questions. Just trying to type and sort out my own feelings. I hurt but I also feel a small sense of relief...which makes me feel worse.

Once again, sorry for such a lenghtly rambling thread. It's 3 am here and I can't seem to go to sleep. Guess I needed to get this out.

CW if this thread is too much you can transfer it into a blog if you want.

Once again.. I just feel so lost!! Ijust had to let go of my best friend!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

No it's not too long at all and I want to re-read it again, so bare with me....

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You know the biggest problem we have as women in my "opinion" is that we have "hearts"...

I have felt exactly the same as you, a long time ago and I never cheated either, I left first, but some guy came in and I was in "lust" and realised that I didn't want to be with my boyfriend anymore, and also my ex-fiance, it's the way the world goes, it just is.

I think as we get older we realise that "settling" is no good, it's not good for us and it's not good for the partner.

You may recall a Thread here recently where she had only been married for 3 months and had to, had to get out, he cried too.. I can't recall the Thread maybe you do seeing as you have been here for the last 9 hours...

Sometimes opposites do in-fact attract but every thread I have read and myself in knowledge knows, that sexual opposites do not. They can't..

I can't believe that he is watching Porn though if he is conservative I imagine that is to tick you off.

It is NOT your fault that you are sexual, sensual and horny... It is how Women in my opinion should be with their "significant other" and there should be a trust and understanding that it is because you are, that is all there is to it and the man should relish in it and give and receive. Problem is that Men (not all) some, have a visual of it being tarty, if I can use that word, and they "fear" that, someday we will leave them for someone else. It's their up-bringing. My ex-husband was the same, he had immense difficulties of my past..

My past was not wicked, it was just that his was bare.

I understand totally, how you feel... I climbed walls to the extent that I had no choice myself but to leave.. I couldn't even get him to kiss me.

I also understand the desire to want to just be you... I have made the management decision to be just that, me.

If the man I am seeing, sees it as anything in-different so be it. Then he is not the man I want in my life.

To explore and find little things like him, placing his finger on your lips and circling it, where you say, goodness why hasn't someone done that before, is exciting and needed if you are a sexual person.

Sure, you "should have, would have could have" but it doesn't matter. People (not men) people can be emotional blackmailers as well.

They cry, the rant, they drink, they do things to try to hurt, they threaten suicide, all sorts, to emotionally black mail you, it's their defense there is nothing else they can think of doing...

But, if he really looked outside the square, he would realise that it's not compatible and that he also should not "settle"..

Perhaps state that to him.

I can only offer my own actions as advice as what to do from here.

Walk...

He has friends to turn to family.

He will have no choice but to get over it.

You have a sense of "relief" and that's because you so need to finally be you.

I walked with nothing... I started again, "those that believe that they can and truly believe that they can, can and will". with respect of re-gaining "financially" of what ever you lose, if you lose.

Don't let that be a hurdle... It was for me to.. But, to date, truthfully, I won't have a fight it's been 18 months now, and it will be amicable when that day comes...

Once the emotions leave and the understanding takes the place and the fact there was NO CHEATING, involved, people see that you were a good person and it was just life.

Now, the co-worker.

This is a flirtatious thing. A yearning, hunger and desire of what you are missing, and so you weren't looking but it happened.

DO NOT CHEAT. You are thinking of this person because of what you don't have.

This is important, because once you have walked, you can decide what ever you want to, and do what ever you want to.

The last thing you want to do is enter any other relationship but you will feel that he loves you ( the co-worker) and cares and is there, and bam, all of a sudden it fizzles and you feel rejected again.

If you go into this, you do so after and you do so with the understanding that you are simply going to be you, you are going to find you all over again and that people come into our lives for a reason and what ever that reason is , so be it.

You need to walk with dignity even with "co-worker" so you can walk away if he acts - can't see you for a week, or what ever, and so that you know why and what you got from it, if that makes sense.

Don't let emotional blackmail cloud how you feel and leave and go back, etc.

It's great being "mates" but we as people need alot more than that.

Nothing is perfect, nothing, but to shut you out because of his up-bringing or beliefs of sexuality, is not a good thing.

You are.
Be who you are.
Never stop being whom you are.

CW

[crzyredhead21]

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. It's hard right now, but honestly I've been through much much worse. I just hope this doesn't turn ugly. We shall see what today brings me. And him? Probably stay home with a monster of a hangover!

You are truly a wonderful, giving person. Thank you for sharing yourself with me.

Well, guess I got to go get ready for work now. Haven't had any sleep but that's okay... there's always lunch!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. It's hard right now, but honestly I've been through much much worse. I just hope this doesn't turn ugly. We shall see what today brings me. And him? Probably stay home with a monster of a hangover!

You are truly a wonderful, giving person. Thank you for sharing yourself with me.

Well, guess I got to go get ready for work now. Haven't had any sleep but that's okay... there's always lunch!

Off course it's hard, cause you reminise on the "good times" and forget the bad... And, 4 years, 7 , 9 it all adds up... It may show as ugly to start with but people settle down over time...

Probably will have a HUGE hangover, but you didn't cause it.

Drink coffee, have your "lunch" and then get food poisioning haha, ( only not for real) did i just give you an excuse to leave work early?

Nooooooooooo

CW

[Guest]

oh hun, you have already pulled the trigger. now you need to follow through on the shot. dont backpedal or it will only be harder later.

your feelings for the co-worker may be nothing more than rebounding or transferrance. and kind of emotional or physical relationship at work is a distater waiting to happen (no snickering you!). been there, done that, doing it now and it's far from easy, especially to stop. it almost always ends up in problames at work. I can feel mine beginnning to happen as I'm typing this.

SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, finish what you have started and find your rebound somewhere else.

You will be ok.


Anthony

[Guest]

I don't know what to think abut this. I have goign round and round in circles for weeks. On one hand he is a good person... but on the other we really are not suited for one another... and I'm afraid of hurting him more than I already have. I do love him... and I want him to be happy. But just as importantly I want to be happy.

[Sometimes when I read these post about men not wanting their women often, I'm thinking man what a problem to have, for a guy that is, where a woman wants you, like all the time! Don't get me wrong. i can be satisfied with the state i'm in. But it's like, i want to shake the guy and say hey wake up brother ]

This was a little different advise or should i say a comment that a person had given me 1 time. They said, "Nice guys or girls don't cut it, if it's not getting the job done, it takes more than being a nice guy" He probably is a good guy, but no one is really happy. I feel like I'm a good guy, nice guy, but hey if I don't perform, in whatever form or fashion then I simply cannot satisfy that person. Just like you said, you both are not suited for 1 another.

You want to be happy and for him to be really happy; altho it may hurt for a while, he'll be happier in the end! No?

this is more of a thread for a woman to post i guess, but i do feel your pain as much as possible!

[miffed23]

Hmm...yet another thread that i start reading and think i've posted it myself.

I was in your situation not long ago...best thing that i did was get out...and i think you know this.

Its just difficult to let go and venture into the unknown...youre over halfway there though - youve let him know how you feel, he knows that youre not commited to the relationship anymore, and for me, that was the hardest part. So youre doing well!

Stick by your feelings, be true to yourself.. yes, it'll hurt him, but you've got to think that in the long run, he will be much happier - nobody can fake or cheat their feelings.

I cant articulate enough that you should do everything that you can to get away, living with him during this stage would be a huge mistake and is going to make things twice as hard as they need to be...

You can sort the immaterial things out at a later date... or, if youre concerned that he might use the things you both own against you (break ups can bring the worst out in people) then sit down with him and draw up some sort of plan.

Good luck, keep your head held high, youve some tough times ahead...

[anonymouswhitefemale]

He took it well for awhile. Now he is raging drunk, watching porn very loudly, and drunk calling all of his friends.

Hahah, that really made me laugh. Not that it should do, but it did.

Break ups will always be hard, but in the end it's best to be honest about it all, nobodies feelings are saved by dragging on a dead relationship. Make a clean break and start a new chapter in your life. He'll get over it.

[Aithneu]

in the end it's best to be honest about it all, nobodies feelings are saved by dragging on a dead relationship. Make a clean break and start a new chapter in your life. He'll get over it.

absolutely!! I dated a guy for a long time but he cared about me a lot and he wanted/deserved more than I was giving. Every time I was going to dump him again he'd write me another song, or we'd have the best sex ever..generally it came down to me being USED TO HIM not necessarily in love with him. Yet I allowed the relationship to continue anyway because it was easier that way.
That is the worst decision! When we finally broke up, he was hurt way more than I was, bc I was allowing him to believe that everything was okay- it was sudden to him when I finally just ended it, seemingly out of the blue from his perspective. Point is, if you care about him, dump him. It's just better that way- for the both of you.