[Fallen1]

I see so much divorce and so many break-ups of couples lately that I've really become disappointed in relationships and love over the last couple of months. I've come to the conclusion of wondering why people even bother with finding a mate. Why bother when it seems that no one will stand by commitment anymore.

[Guest]

probably comes from a number of things:

differences in handling money
differences in disciplining kids
unrealistic expectations
unwillingness to compromise
turning a blind eye adn thinking "she/he will change" after we are married
pretending to be something they are not before getting married
not trying as hard as they did to please each other as they did before marriage

marriage is like a tango, it can be beautiful, but takes two to be full involved. If only one is involved it looks more like a wrestling match.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

But when you listen to those people, as to why? It seems that most chose to go into the relationship quite quickly, and blindly finding out later, that the match is "no match"... to what they are after, or that they changed over that period of time, or the other person did..

So, really the question is why do we go in so blindly and believe, because we do, in hope that it is the "fairytale" ending that we desire.

Life itself is the same, not just love, we have hurdles, we have decisions do we make the right ones or wrong ones?

And, lessons... If we come out with knowledge of what to do / not to do next time, then we learnt.

I myself did the same thing... Went to fast, and into something I did not know enough about - "the person"... Until later, noting that we are not two peas in a pod, rather a pea and a carrot.

[Livelaughlove]

Fallen just a thought for you but maybe your focusing on the negative relationships therefore thats all you see.

Without a shadow of a doubt, there are millions of successful and happy relationships every day.

Problems in life and relationship:

The issue with talking in terms of HAVING problems is that it is defeatist. It is your mind allowing the problem to persist outside of it's actual context, while in reality problems are only problematic at the times when they are problems.. you're actually telling a story about something that has happened in the past that was problematic at the time. You don't HAVE a problem; you've HAD a problem.

The couples who fail are the ones that lack the ability to accept that the past is the past and work towards the future.

Why people break up:

Well Everything is constantly changing. And an “unchanging marriage/relationship” may require the sacrifice of learning and growth. If one grows and the other doesn’t … you grow apart. Growth and change are unpredictable and inevitable to happen. People change, nothing is permanent.

Hope this helps

Live laugh and love

[Joy]

What you have all said is total truth. Boils down to understand, tolerance & growth. For yourself and for your mate.

[Lakerat]

A marriage is never 50/50 at diffrent times in our lives we have to give more or recieve more I think thats hard for some to do.
Seems to me me alot (not all) of relationships have a giver and a taker so to speak one who usually does alot more to keep the relationship going and one who tends to be more focused on what they want and over time the giver gets wore down and gave out so to speak from their needs not being met.

Like above posters... growth playes a big part of relationships. if our growth is not in the same direction we tend to grow apart.

People tend to move to fast...when were young and our hormones are their strongest we dont put the thought into it that we should, we tend to act before we think (or I did) we picture this relationship as being what we have in our minds (rose colored glasses) and when reality sets in its a kick in the teeth so to speak.

That and its about as easy to get divorced as it is to get married ....and alot of people arent willing to put the effort to keep a relationship alive (Takes both truly trying) one person cant make a relationship work.

This could go on and on....

But alot of relationships do work out .....we hear more on here of the negative...how often do we hear people on here talking about how good their relationship is going % wise I bet its pretty low......people dont usually need to vent or advice when things are going good.

Hope gives us something to live for...................Theres posative in everything sometimes ya just gotta look a lil harder to find it

[Guest]

Reclaim Faith in Love/Relationships

I see so much divorce and so many break-ups of couples lately that I've really become disappointed in relationships and love over the last couple of months.

I would venture to guess Fallen1 the biggest percentage of those issues you see are thru this site, and of course elsewhere..........

Heres, my conclusion, and it's based on what I see - I have mixed and mingled with literally hundreds and hundreds of couples over the last 25 yrs. Thru events that I happen to go to in at least 3 different states, yearly, Ohio, Alabama, and Virginia. I can Honestly report thru out those events I personally know many Hundreds of these couples that are still in a Marriage and have been for anywhere from 1-60 yrs/ of marriage.

Out of all of these that I've been so fortunate to come to know I can name on less than 2 hands those that have failed. Honestly. I have know reason to pull some kind of fairytale here! they are real people, with real lives.

So, whats my point, Fallen1, it's all in your environment, that gives you this perception and my perception, N01's perception, LLL's perception, CW's perception, Joy's perception.
What we perceive naturally is based on all our 5 senses, is it not? Yes it is?

Now we do know statistics are showing that here in the USA they are high when it comes to the Divorce rate - N01 has once again pointed out many factors that play on this thread.

But what I'm trying to say is, we will naturally start to lose faith in things, whatever they may be, (doesn't have to be this subject) because of our perception of our environment; of events close at hand or over the long haul to others, also what has happened to US thru out the years,"US" meaning all of us.

I've come to the conclusion of wondering why people even bother with finding a mate.

For those that believe in Adam and Eve, Day 1 let's say - It's within man to want a soul mate, this is what got us all here today. Some have failed some have succeeded. But the averages have been good enough to get all of us where we are today, right?

They say the mustard seed is the smallest of all seeds, but when planted and grows it produces powerful results, does it not?
Have faith even if it's small,let it be tilled within,let it be fertilized and allow the sun to shine on it it where it will produce the Fruit you are looking for.

The Sun doesn't always shine upon the field, there are days of cloudiness, but in the end, there will be results but We have to work at it, do we not? We have to continue to keep the weeds out so it does not strangle out growth. (I believe CW made mention of this) Good Thread!

I know I have directed the post towards your way, It's your thread, your question, your Faith!

Hopefully I've shed some Sun on Your Field

[miffed23]

I see so much divorce and so many break-ups of couples lately that I've really become disappointed in relationships and love over the last couple of months.

...not to mention cheating. It does make you wonder what the point is.

However, it should also make you determined not to just become another statistic. Focus this negativity into making your next relationship (or current one) work, and i mean really work....dont let that flame dwindle that attracted you both initially...

Its true, you often hear about the unsuccessful relationships and hear little of the successful ones, but there are plenty out there.

Seeing an elderly couple holding hands and grinning at one another, is the cutest sight in the world.

[anonymouswhitefemale]

I don't exactly have any faith in the process myself.

I just don't believe in the fairytale story, but maybe that's because it hasn't really had any reenforcement with me. Every happy couple comes to an end, but I suppose that's the nature of life. Nothing lasts forever, people change, seek new experiences, and probably a lot of life would be lost if this didn't happen and we were all monogamous drones.

I don't see much happiness in long lasting couples, just security, fear of being alone, comfort. We're all completely alone, we just comfort ourselves with passing compainionships.

[WildChild]

There have been some good thoughtful responses here. I think LLL hit some good points. We humans tend to focus on negative results. For example you get in your car and drive without a problem every day for months maybe years, then one day get a ding in your car door in the parking lot and a week later someone rear ends you and all once you're talking about crazy drivers, it isn't safe, always getting in accidents... You are completely ignoring all the years w/o a problem.

If you've ever taken a statistics class, one thing you should have seen is how easy it is to manipulate the numbers to support what ever you want. Add some psyc to that with how you frame your hypothesis or your questions and you can prove darned near anything. Over and over we see numbers that half of marriages end in divorce. So half don't end in divorce. We see that second or third marriages are even more likely to end in divorce. Is that 50% of first marriages or all marriages? If it is all marriages and includes 2nd, 3rd, 4th and Elizabeth Taylor, what does that say about first marriages? It would mean that far more than 50% go the distance. Does that 50% take into account people who marry for a second time not because of divorce but because their spouse died?

Another thing to take into account is that there are a lot of things put out in the world as fact that have no basis in any reality. A good example is the stat that 10% of the population is gay. I read a report that there were no studies to back that up. Someone pulled the number out of the air. But it's widely reported as fact.

We tend to create an idealised picture of what life should be or what it once was. These are often pure fantasy. Historically marriages were political or financial alliances, arranged between families. Fidelity wasn't a given or even expected. Read some of the old classics, Balzac, Shakespeare, Dumas, Chaucer, no fidelity there. According to the Smithsonian, in puritan, colonial America, 70% of first born children were born within 7 months of the marriage - they weren't so pure. How many marriages even today, with the relative ease of divorce are really happy? Is that the institution or arre, unrealistic expectations? More and more I think you have to get past the expectations and create what works for you. Great love is possible. Great relationships are possible. They may not be all smooth sailing but they exist and if you look they are all around you.

First and fore most you have to start with a great relationship with yourself. If you aren't happy in that relationship, you won't be or stay happy in any other.