[xxxnyria]

My boyfriend cheated on me two years ago and i`m still with him but recently i started having dreams about him and the girl he cheated on me with cos i know her now where he goes away with her. in the dream im not crying but inside me i am crying uncontrollably and shaking. i do love him and want to stay with him but this is shaking me up and im getting jealous easily and can be really paranoid. we have only been dating 2 years and the first year of our relationship was full of lies and he cheated on me with this girl well he didnt have sex with her but had a online relationship with her and kissed her and then shagged another 2 girls at university in our first year of dating. since then our relationship has grew stronger and became so much better since last christmas but im so paranoid and this dream is worrying me about how im finding it to deal with the cheatings from last year. what should i do?

[WildChild]

Want to recap and see if we have this straight; you start dating, he has an online relationship and has sex with two different girls ( were those one times deals?), this is in the first year? Did you have an understanding at that time that you would be exclusive? Sexually or otherwise? Had you discussed it? Or was it something you assumed?

If you were dating casually and he was still 'playing the field', it's not such a big deal. If you had talked about it and agreed to be exclusive then it was a real breach of your trust. There is quite a difference in the two situations. That aside, why do you think it's haunting you so badly now? I assume you hadn't been bothered for a while since you said it was recent? Or has it been bothering you, just the dreams are recent?

Trust is vital in a relationship. Every relationship is different and people set the parameters that work for them. Once set, honesty and trust are critical and once lost can be hard to regain. If you were just casual when these incidents occured then you need to get past it and let go of it, if you had agreed to be exclusive (that's not just assuming) then if you want the relationship to continue you will have to find a way to forgive and move past it.

[xxxnyria]

Want to recap and see if we have this straight; you start dating, he has an online relationship and has sex with two different girls ( were those one times deals?), this is in the first year? Did you have an understanding at that time that you would be exclusive? Sexually or otherwise? Had you discussed it? Or was it something you assumed?

If you were dating casually and he was still 'playing the field', it's not such a big deal. If you had talked about it and agreed to be exclusive then it was a real breach of your trust. There is quite a difference in the two situations. That aside, why do you think it's haunting you so badly now? I assume you hadn't been bothered for a while since you said it was recent? Or has it been bothering you, just the dreams are recent?

Trust is vital in a relationship. Every relationship is different and people set the parameters that work for them. Once set, honesty and trust are critical and once lost can be hard to regain. If you were just casual when these incidents occured then you need to get past it and let go of it, if you had agreed to be exclusive (that's not just assuming) then if you want the relationship to continue you will have to find a way to forgive and move past it.

yes they were one time deals and they were the first year.nothing else has happened so far.i asked him this and he said it was exclusive. i really fell in love with him when he didnt love me even though he said he did.i have been bothered before but the dreams are recent.its really hard to forgive him. funnily enough the third time i wasnt bothered and didnt get any feelings of sadness or anything.i dont remember it when we have sex or when i see him its just occasionally.

[Aithneu]

I've been in your shoes. It's like no matter how many times they cheat etc. you can't help but love them anyways right? Well girl, my best advice for you is that you should discuss the whole dream thing with him (he might think its dumb at first but what is important to you should be important to him!) and he needs to show you that he is really "in this" for the long haul. Love hurts but a lack of trust hurts more. If you can't trust him enough to even discuss this worry with him perhaps you shouldn't be together.

[xxxnyria]

I've been in your shoes. It's like no matter how many times they cheat etc. you can't help but love them anyways right? Well girl, my best advice for you is that you should discuss the whole dream thing with him (he might think its dumb at first but what is important to you should be important to him!) and he needs to show you that he is really "in this" for the long haul. Love hurts but a lack of trust hurts more. If you can't trust him enough to even discuss this worry with him perhaps you shouldn't be together.

thanks for the advice. i did talk to him about it and he said that it would take a long time for me to get over it and he was really comforting and understood everything i felt cos of what he put m through. he is committed to me enough that he wants us to move in together in march/june. i was also thinking after he said `if i wasnt committed to you and didnt want us to be together i wouldnt be here trying my hardest to let you stay with me` which is so true and he does treat me well and has never treated me badly verbally or physically. the only bad thing was the cheating last year. he didnt think the dream was dumb because he understood what i felt.

[Aithneu]

That's good to hear! I always loved happy endings. And the fact that you communicated with him is going to definitely strengthen your relationship- it showed him that if you ever have a bad thought or worry you're comfortable telling him about it, further showing that he can trust you. good luck and congrats on moving in!

[txsgrl81]

I am sorry you had to go through this. Unfortunately I am too. My boyfriend broke my trust, disprespected me on so many levels and looked to another local girl for a few months to fuffill some need he had....that aside .....I am now having horrible dreams at night. I am choosing at this time to stay with my BF and work things out if possible. I need time to see if I can get past that. I know what she looks like, I know what she sounds like and for a week now she is in my dreams. I fear going to bed becuase I know it will be bad. I try to think about other things before I sleep even watch tv but its not enough to get my mind off of what he has done to me. How long would you all say your dreams lasted. Did you find a way to maybe control your dreams?? I dont want to fear sleep and am turning to you all to help me with your expeeriences. Thank you.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Dreams don't mean what they visually as seen as.

It could be because you know that you are now in a committed relationship with him, and moving in with him, that he's real, you won your man, that you can now let go of the past, that's why you don't cry in your dream on the outside, the crying on the inside is because you hadn't allowed yourself to feel it properly back then, the last one you strangly didn't feel anything, these tears are letting go, closure.

It's also fear, fear of what if he cheats again . Because you are now very connected, and have bonded and are now moving onto the next step in life with him...

Perhaps make a bond... If he ever fell out of love with you ever, he is to walk first before sleeping with someone, that way you will not have to walk through the next few years in fear of him ever cheating on you ... You will know that if it's over, so be it, not much you can do but it had nothing to do with a woman...

CW

[starshi]

My boyfriend cheated on me two years ago and i`m still with him but recently i started having dreams about him and the girl he cheated on me with cos i know her now where he goes away with her. in the dream im not crying but inside me i am crying uncontrollably and shaking. i do love him and want to stay with him but this is shaking me up and im getting jealous easily and can be really paranoid. we have only been dating 2 years and the first year of our relationship was full of lies and he cheated on me with this girl well he didnt have sex with her but had a online relationship with her and kissed her and then shagged another 2 girls at university in our first year of dating. since then our relationship has grew stronger and became so much better since last christmas but im so paranoid and this dream is worrying me about how im finding it to deal with the cheatings from last year. what should i do?

hey girl... you don't have to be with him you know that right. My ex was like that and i was in love with him, we dated for 5 years from when I was 15 till 20. These years were supposed to be the best times but it wasnt he continually cheated on me and I kept taking him back cos he used to beg for me. Then I left for college when I was 20. I stayed with him 2 extra years just cos he asked me to. I left my life on hold just for him.
We were going to have a long distance relationship for 6mnths till he was to come where I was, but withing the 1st month he cheated on me twice and that was it. I cldnt take it and I stopped all contact.

This relationship with my ex has left a lot of scars on me. I started dating this great guy two years ago he is awesome, loving affectionate and everything I ever wanted.
Don't stay with somebody who doesn't deserve you. I wish I cld take back those 5 years of my life but i cant, I regret every minute i spent with him.

cos of my ex I have very low self esteem and I knw that it is affecting my current relationship.
Be with someone who deserves you. Time will help you get over him.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I am sorry you had to go through this. Unfortunately I am too. My boyfriend broke my trust, disprespected me on so many levels and looked to another local girl for a few months to fuffill some need he had....that aside .....I am now having horrible dreams at night. I am choosing at this time to stay with my BF and work things out if possible. I need time to see if I can get past that. I know what she looks like, I know what she sounds like and for a week now she is in my dreams. I fear going to bed becuase I know it will be bad. I try to think about other things before I sleep even watch tv but its not enough to get my mind off of what he has done to me. How long would you all say your dreams lasted. Did you find a way to maybe control your dreams?? I dont want to fear sleep and am turning to you all to help me with your expeeriences. Thank you.

txsgrl81, I just realised that you responded to a 2008 thread..

What need to he have to fill?

This was not a one night stand, this was an affair, call it FWB's, but it was an affair.. If your prepared to stay with him, then you have to know "why" he went down this path and does he really deserve you?

In finding out why, it's your "choice" to stay, but then you have to evaluate this and establish whether it was a lack of communication on both parts to fullfill this "missing need" and if so, what can you do about it together, to ensure it never happens again...And, what has he done since, to show that he realises what he almost lost and would never do that again..

That's the only way you can stop your dreams....

CW