[majolove]

I have been moving out with this guy for five years. i will admit he seemed like the best thing that ever happened to. Its for this reason that i always forgave him even for the horrible things he has continously done to. He has abused me verbally, physically and emotionally. But has has done other great things that not many other guys would do for thier girlfriends.

Two months back he insulted me again but only this time i felt it was becoming so frequent so i told him it was over between us. Usually when we disagree i go back to him asking for us to reconcile and i guess he thought i would do the same even this time.

i know how cruel he has been to be and i hate it, i have fought with myself not to go back to him but i feel helpless.
i hate to date any other guys and despise them a lot but i miss sex and more than ever feel i am ready to settle for marriage and have a family.

My wierdest thought is to ask him for us to make love so that i can conceive and have which seems like the wildest fantasy in my head now. i cannot imagine one day meeting him with another girl.

I abuse alcohol to catch sleep or cry myself to sleep.

i am totally confused on what i should do yet he acts like he is not bothered about our break up.

What should i do? i need to straighten my life

[CHANDLERS WISH]

First thing you need to do is know your self worth..

Way hard to do, often women love the "bad boys" not because they are bad but they make you feel in-secure don't they, like you want them so bad because they act as if they don't want you, then they take you and keep you only to say who cares when you call it quits , you will be back.

It's kind of like this, "non-respect" if they don't respect you they never will, if you keep running back, they know that and so, the cycle continues.

You like him because he treats you bad but stays... So, in your mind he must like you hey...

Not at all, he can have you.. therefore he does... He will do what he wants, because he can...

You just need to look real deep sweet and realise that you can get better, you know you can, just he reduces you to believe that you can't and so all mean are shirt.

It's so normal and so constant for a woman whom doesn't believe in herself, either because of past, or because someone has reduced them to this thought...

So, what do you do?

Look in the mirror and say actually, I am beautiful.

Go do something, get your hair changed, with streaks, just subtle something that makes you say wow, and even buy a top...

Look yourself in the mirror and say no more, I deserve the best, I will not accept someone whom is "using me, abusing me, and knows he can get away with it, control, it makes me want him more cause, i want him to want me, but you know what? He doesn't give a shirt, he knows you'll come running back and so he continues.

Understand that you are allowing this to happen, it is not good, you do deserve better, you can have better and we all fall for 'rejection' and try to work our ways in getting them to love, change, what for? It's those guys that will cheat hey, bet he has hey? .....

You are beautiful go look in the mirror and say hahahahaha, seeya mate, it's my life.

CW

[WildChild]

CW has offered some good advice.
Get some help with your alcohol abuse. That's an addictive behavior, so is your relationship pattern - so get a pro to help you out with that. You aren't ready to "settle for marriage and have a family" - not while you are abusing alcohol, despising men, confused,and wanting to concieve a child with an abusive man you have broken up with. Getting married or having a child would be about the worst thing you could do right now.
Get some help straightening things out, give yourself some time to get your head straight, get your life, employment and feelings into a positve, constructive mode. Forget having anything but freindships for a while, give yourself time to build your self esteem or you will find another guy just like the last or worse.
Learn to love yourself so that you will be able to love someone worthy of your best.

[majolove]

thanks CW and Wildchild for the great advise.

CW i have tried to change my look, i colored my hair, priked a second hole on my ears, changed my wardrobe but nothing seems to work for me. or maybe it gives me temporary satisfaction but i go back to the bad mood after a short while.

He keeps sendiing me emails and i feel horrible after reading them. i more than ever want to have a child. i know it will give me something to occupy my mind and take away this sorrow but...with who?

[WildChild]

No, no, no! A thousands times No! A child will not solve your problems. Children are a huge responsibility and they are not a solution to your problems. You are looking for something outside yourself to solve a problem that is inside you. While a new hair style or clothes may perk you up a bit, as you discovered, it doesn't last. Those things are easily changeable if you don't like them or change your mind. A child is a lifetime committment and very needy and very expensive, there is no changing your mind when you find out that instead of solving your problems they have increased them. A real sense of self worth comes from within. Knowing that you have value, and deserve to be treated well and to have the best. That starts with you treating yourself well, believing in yourself, acting for yourself. You can't get that from anyone else and certainly not from a baby!

Start with learning to love yourself. Make a list of all the good things about yourself, all the things you know how to do, things you like or love, what you like about yourself. Your list should be at least a couple hundred items long. Keep adding to it. Get goofy if you have to but focus on the positive. When ever you catch yourself saying something negative about yourself get out your list and counter it. "I may be clumsy today but I'm a great friend or I can run a mile without getting tired!" Just keep yourself positive about yourself.

Are you in school or working? Find ways to learn new things, to better yourself. Here's where environment and appearance counts - get rid of anything you don't love, better to have half as many clothes and love the ones you have, than to have a closet crammed full of stuff you don't like. Better to be sitting on the floor than on an ugly falling apart sofa. While you are cleaning out the stuff in your life, clean out the stuff in your head too. Get rid of the the thoughts that don't help you or move you forward. Two great books for this are, What To Say When You Talk To Yourself by Shad Helmstatter and In The Meantime by Iyanla VanZant.

Start exersizing, get out and walk or run everyday, even if it's just 15 mins. No excuses. Set some goals. What do you want from life? How can you get it ethically and morally? Visualise, where do you want to be in life in one year, five years, 10? Make yourself a dream book or dream board. How can you get there (no, marrying or babies aren't solutions, to getting there - they are rewards once you are on your way). The bigger your goals the better chance of success. Aim low and miss - you are still low, aim high and miss - you are higher than you started.

Solve your problems before you bring anyone else into your life picture as anything but a freind.