[woman77]

Hi, I am a little confused about what's going to happen. I am in sort of a dilemma.
I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 5 months. We have been in touch every single day and the closeness has grown over these months.

The thing is he will be coming here to the US for a short visit. He wants to meet me before we decide to settle down for good.I love everything about him and the things he says is too good to be true. But then we are both in our 30's and somehow the thought of him going back on his promises doesn't sound right.

What is really troubling me is he wants to make love. I so want this relationship to work and somehow i feel having sexual intimacy before we are officially together might ruin the lovely relation that we have. When i do talk to him about this he says it is so 'essential to have this intimacy between people who are in love.This strengthens the relation even more.Since we are in a LDR it is even more important.'

Should i give in or just avoid having any form of intimacy with him? After he returns is there any chance that what we currently share will continue to grow?

I have a bad feeling that things will come to an end if we have sex. I want us to have something to 'eagerly' look forward to after marriage. I am so confused...please advise.

[WildChild]

I'm about old enough to be your mother, have had some experience with this and I'm going to be the bucket of ice water here. Reality check time. You haven't given a whole lot of information, so this is working on some reading between the lines and assumptions. If my assumptions are wrong then you can disregard this, but if any of it hits home, think very carefully!

You are in a LDR, with a man from a differernt country and culture? Is that correct? That's what it sounds like if he's coming to he US for "short" visit. You've been in this relationship for only 5 months? You need to think about this VERY carefully.
How well can you know someone in 5 months? Really?
How well can you really know him having never actually met him?
Writing you are thinking more about what you say, you may say it differently, unless you really know the person, have spent a lot time with them, you are simply filling your own blanks.
Speaking on the phone you are spending a brief time, on your best behavior, it's not enough to actually know someone.

Cross cultural relationships aren't easy. There are too many surprises and often unpleasant, unless it is a culture you know well, what will happen is that early on poor behavior will be excused because, "it's his culture". Later you'll come to know that culture isn't it, it's just poor behavior. Even if it is 'his culture', it's not yours and you may find it unacceptable.

The question of sexual intimacy prior to marriage is a personal choice. I married once following this concept of no sex before marriage... what a disaster! Poor sex will sink your boat in no time. In many cultures however there is little if any contact before marriage and I'm known a lot of American women who married into that type culture. I'm convinced that more than a religious standard, it's a way for men who are uncaring, lousy lovers to get and keep a woman! If she's had sexual experience and knows he's no good at it, then the fault is hers for having been a 'loose' woman (if she wasn't she'd have nothing to compare him to). If she's had no experience, she'll just end up thinking there's something wrong with her because she doesn't enjoy it. Great system.

This planned marriage, who's idea was marriage?
Would you be moving there or him coming here?
Would you be getting him a visa and eventually a green card and citizenship?
Ever dealt with the INS? They aren't much fun.
If you are planning to live in his country, what would your life be like? Would you be able to work? Come and go as you please? Leave the country without his permission? What if you have children and split up?
How stable is the country he is from? Is it a place people are trying to move to or trying to get out of?
Is he from an English speaking country? Depending on where he is from and how good his English really is, you may not have been communicating as well as you think you have. Even people from two English speaking countries have some differing word usage and cultural expectations.

Contact the State Department and request travelers info about his country, even if you aren't planning to go there. They can give you all sorts of info, political stability, what would happen if you got in to legal trouble, how dangerous it is, what sort of diplomatic relations they have with the US. Are they a signer on the Hague Treaty Convention? If he's from a 'don't go there, we can't help you country' don't go there, not to visit, not to marry here or there. You'll be his ticket out and then you'll be supporting his family members and bringing them here. We Americans get suckered into this over and over, our laws for international marriage ought to be tougher and more restrictive.

Do you share a common faith? I mean as in, you were both raised in it?

Now you said something very telling, "I love everything about him and the things he says is too good to be true. But then we are both in our 30's and somehow the thought of him going back on his promises doesn't sound right." Think about this. The sound of anyone going back on their promises doesn't sound right. That fact that it "doesn't sound right", doesn't mean he won't! That YOUR projection. YOUR thought, not his reality. What's that saying? If it sounds too good to be true..... so the things he says sound too good to be true. That's just a red flag.

You don't, "love everything about him". You haven't met him! All you've met are words on the computer screen and maybe a voice on the phone! You don't really know this man! To think you love him sight unseen, is more like a crush on an actor or athlete. You've read the story he's written for you about himself, maybe seen some pics. You are exploring an interesting possiblity - that's all. The rest is you head tripping yourself.

Take your time and think about htis

[Guest]

and the things he says is too good to be true.

I've found in life that if it sounds too good to be true it probably is!

I so want this relationship to work after marriage.confused...please advise.

I understand you want it to work after marriage, that is natural but at this time you really don't know if it will work before marriage!

You are exploring an interesting possiblity - that's all. The rest is you head tripping yourself.
Take your time and think about this

Because you "so want", the possibility seems to be real
You really have know clue how this is going to turn out and what he is really after, do you?

I've found words on a screen can be so deceiving not by someone necessarily but you can deceive yourself because of what you are looking for or because you might be lonely or emotionally stressed over your present life. I've had to be careful, because I too or anybody could fall into this same kind of thinking or feelings if one does not have the right frame of mind. Many times that's all they are, is feelings. Feelings, emotions can be deceitful. And so it is just like WC said, you could "Head Trip yourself"

As far as the sex thing and the whole thing confusing you. I think you know what you want to do but there's another side of it that's telling you not to, so do what you feel will give you no regrets and make you satisfied with your decision.

Have I said all this to say it's all a farce, no, it all may be very genuine, but walk softly and carry a big stick!

[woman77]

Coming in here after a long time - and i just wanted to say - you all were RIGHT!!! He came, things happened and he ended it after he left.Never uttered a single word as to why he decided to leave me. Just one email and that was it. So much for love and all that jazz! He is happily married with one of his ex's while I still remain happily single Emotions emotions emotions .... staying away from all the emotional drama nowadays. To anyone who is in a relationship where you aren't sure what exactly is going on - my advice to you is - YOU and only YOU should be YOUR priority!!

[Little]

Glad to see you return after such a long absence, and that things worked out for the best!

[lizzardb63]

Ya live and you learn. At least some people can come on here and see a before and after type situation like this and see that the advice given on here is good advice. I am also very glad things worked out and that you're happy with where you are. That's all that matters!

[woman77]

Thank you so very much Little and Lizzardb63. Since I came back a little older and wiser - I felt the need to share my word of advice

[jns]

It takes a certain commitment by the parties involved to make a LDR work. LDRs are relatively common for military personnel.