[MaxiC]

I've been with my partner for just shy of 4 years. We have lived together for 3 and a half. Moving in together happened by accident really we were barely together and he decided to move and get a job near me. So he was staying with me until he got a job then getting his own place. That never happened, instead after a year we got our own place just he two of us and 6 months later we got a beautiful puppy. And we were so happy and in love. It was almost ridiculous how everyone commented on how perfect we were together, and to be honest i though this is it. I've found the man ill love forever. Granted we are both quiet young (Im 24 and hes 22) but age is just a number right?

Things have not been great for a while now. He lost his job in May and started a new one in July. And since he has started his new job everything seems to have cracked down the middle. He works in a very young company, where all the staff go drinking two or more nights a week. So he would go along. This involves the pub at 5pm and falling in home at 4am. At first i didnt mind as he would only go on occasion and i figured he was just being sociable and making friends. Then it got more frequent and we began to fight about it. He would promise to be home by 11pm and would not answer his fone and again fall in home at 4am.

I've met some of the people he works with and they seem nice. But there are two girls in particular who he calls close friends now. They will text him and ring him. One of them even puts little 'x's' at the end of her texts. He says she sends them to everyone, that im being paranoid, and yet now he guards his fone like his life depends on it. He has wsorn he has never cheated and never would and i believe he hasnt, but i believe the option is there with these girls. Two weeks ago we had a massive fight about another night out and he was so drunk he threw me across the room. I dont think ive ever been scared of him before then. He apologised so much the next morning and explained that there had been drama with his brother and that he had gotten into a fight with a taxi man the night before and took it out on me. That evening we talked about a lot of things we needed to do to fix our relationship one of the main points being him not going out with work as often, yet an hour later he was off down the pub while i sat at home alone with our dog.

I woke the next morning to him sitting looking down on me and he said he thought we needed to spend a couple of days apart to gain perspective on us. That he loved me more than anything and thought some time to think might make him appreciate me more.

I went and stayed in a friends that night, but within a few hours he had rang to say he was sorry and he had been thinking and the last thing he wanted was for us to be apart.

The next night we got all dressed up and went for drinks..and it was like old times. We talked about a lot of our problems again like that he can sometimes feel trapped, like hes too young to be so setteled down, and that hes missing out on being young and carefree. He said his new work crowd seem to worship him and hang on his every word, and he loves that.

We decided to take things slowly and work on building us back up. That was last monday. For the past week we have had his 31 year old brother staying with us as he has broken up with his fiancee. So there hasnt been much oppertunity to spend time alone. Then friday night was his work christmas party. They were brought away to a 5 star hotel over night, a real posh black tie affair. So i arranged to meet friends in town for the night.

We both had good nights and the next day as i headed home he rang to say he would be home in a hour or so that he was going for one drink with his work corwd to round off the party. That was at 12pm... I next heard from him at 7:50am the following morning. His fone had died and he said they all got so drunk they went to a house party and he fell asleep. I was livid, beyond mad mostly because i was worried sick, also becuase i was again stuck out in our apartmet miles from town alone with out dog while he was off out on the tear again.

I had slept so little the night he was gone that i didnt even have the energy to fight with him. I listened as he hugged me and kissed my head, declaring he loves me and it wont happen again and i just nodded. So last night he comes home from work and we had a long chat about us again. He says again that he is not happy. He said that he feels like he needs to know he can survive on his own, that ive always held everything together with jobs, and rent, and shopping, and cleaning.. (do you know i never realised i did it all before it was mentioned.) He says he wants us to spend a week thinking about things and then maybe try living apart for a few months. To carry on being a coule but just to be a couple who do not live together, who go on dates and stay over in each others a few times a week. He just kept saying that he wants us to be together forever and he thinks this will help. At the time i said ok ill have a think about this.

Since then ive spoken to my mother and my best friend, and they both say i need to leave now and get a new place and a new life of my own without him. It easy for them to say, but they live so far away and i will be on my own up here starting over and thats scary. Really scary. Plus i have our dog. It will be boarderline impossible to find a house to share that will let me bring him and to be honest i dont think i would ever recover if i didnt get to bring him with me.

I realise that in this post i sound like the women i used to read about and think wow they are crazy stupid. Yet here i am. And this is the point i was so strong and independant and full of life before him. I always had places to go and people to see and a great time doing it. But ive lost a lot of my friends (well drifted from them) over the past few years..and now we have similar friends and i dont know how that will work when we break up.

Ok what i have forgotten to mention in all this is that i love him. God i crazy drop everything love him. And ive been a walking mess the past few days. I cant muster up an appetite to eat, there almost no sleeping, and i can errupt into tears at any time (im lucky i dont have anyone directly beside me at work to see). I think i have realised that its over and i now realise it will have to be me to say that. But i dont know how i will find the courage to do this knowing all the trouble that lies ahead.

I dont even know what my question is. How bad is that. I think i just needed to lay it all out, worts and all.. even if just for me to see.

[WildChild]

Listen to your mother, sounds like you've been acting in some ways as his mother. He needs to grow up. Let him do it. if it's meant to be he'll e back but he does need to learn to stand on his own feet.

[reilu]

hey there! look, it seems, to me anyway, he keeps saying how much he loves you, how he'll never do it again, BUT HE DOES IT AGAIN! do you think that if you did something that truly upset him, and he told you about it, you would stop?? i think you would, because you sound like you truly care for him. but what does that say for him?

if he isn't willing to stop this for you....then does he really care? i'm not trying to be rude or blunt, but maybe he feels that he can just get away with it with you. if he was with someone else, they might not put up with it for so long, but you ARE putting up with it.

that may not be the case, its just a thought.

but with love comes compromise, and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that. (i don't mean like people have to change everything about themselves, but meet half way)

did he say that in this few month "breakup" that he was going to change his ways? if not, then what is the point in being apart?? if it just means he'll be back to the way he was. he just seems like he says a lot of things so that you won't get upset, to save HIS hide. i think he needs some maturing to do. you sound rather mature

"I realise that in this post i sound like the women i used to read about and think wow they are crazy stupid. Yet here i am."

the greatest prisons come from the ones we build for ourselves. mentally, we think we deserve only so much. we limit ourselves, so we never aim higher than what we believe we capable of. you want my honest opinion?? i think you deserve better than that!! don't think he is the only thing out there. HE'S NOT! of course, this is just my opinion, and the choice is ultimately yours.

DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF!! DON'T SETTLE FOR HALF DECENT!!

[someonereal_]

i don't know much about break ups, but here's what how i imagine it will go:

it will be really really really painful and hard as you will have to let go of the person you'd drop everything for (and it looks like you already have--you should ask yourself too what he has dropped for you). you'll be miserable, cry every night, miss him soo much, cry some more, even try to contact him once in a while (which i think is not a good idea during a break up). this stage will definitely be the hardest...but feel it out. let your emotions be as they are because this is the best and most appropriate time for it. then you'll start to get used to a routine that doesn't include him. (you still miss him though, and you still cry thinking about him, but you'll begin to go out once in a while and meet new people. and little by little as you forge new relationships (that don't necessarily have to be intimate), you'll begin to gain back the strength and independence you used to have without even noticing it. you'll just wake up one day and realize that the feeling you have getting your life back is so much better than what you were feeling while you were with him.

four years is a long time, and it's going to be very difficult turning your back on the person you love so much as well as four years worth of memories, but it looks to me like with your situation, it's the best thing for you to do...for YOUR sake. you've lost a lot of things in your life sitting in that apartment waiting for him to come home.