[CHANDLERS WISH]

Ty........

How's your head?

OMG? I was looking for spelling errors and couldn't find any......

[thack]

lol

I am doing fine, I always force myself to stay up and just drink water for like an hour before I go to sleep after a night of drinking like that.

Other than that, less than a month to go. :P

I must spell better drunk, rofl....

T

[thack]

Posting here because I am way to drunk to email ----

Just got back from a going away party (yah, I know, seems the past couple of posts are under the influence, but thats what happens when we get closer to coming home somtimes :P )

I called her on Christmas day, about 8pm, well after I knew anything ~should~ be going on. She was on the way to her parents house - which she cleared with me through my lawyer before she took off on the road with my son - She seemed both excited and surprised to hear from me, immediately wished me a merry christmas (whole conversation lasted maybe 3 min at the most) and told me my son enjoyed his presents (that she let him open the day they got there, no where near christmas, sadly, yay, way to let him open some of daddies presents ON christmas...) and then proceeded to tell me she hoped I had a good christmas...

this was indeed the most emotional day since the last time, months ago, but I dont know why, I guess it could be because it was the first time i've heard her voice since Mid october, or the fact that i was just talking to her in general. I felt my heart sink when she did in fact answer the phone ( i called at 5am my time, couldnt sleep on christmas night, sadly....)

it was very odd. just extremely odd, I felt feelings for this woman that I would much rather not feel well up, and just the fact that I did feel that way made me upset. I wish I could find some switch to shut off emotions, i dont want to feel sad any more, I dont want to love her any more, I dont want to feel connected with her any more, all of the above.... she did 1 of 2 things that I would never ever do in my life, cheat.... (the other is lay my hands on a woman) so yah. .. ..

like I said, fairly drunk, had the inclination to email HER, so, I avoided that by posting here. I have so much to say to her, but I kno wit wont do any good, and it will give me false hope for WHAT. I dont even know where I sit right now in life, I hate her but yet i dont, I love yer still but yet i dont, i want her but yet she disgusts me .... so much confusion brought up in 1 night, its crazy...

well that was my christmas.... didnt even get to wish my son a merry christmas he was sleeping all ready, but i did it on monday to make sure I got to talk to him at least a little this week!.......

Ty

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hello you..............

Well you are a smart "almost drunk" aren't you... To write here instead, see you can read it tomorrow and see what you want to do....

Not saying nothing else, except Christmas is an emotional time...........

Smile, we're reading your threads, cause we are your friends...


CW

[thack]

I was way past smart drunk, but I gravitate back here instead of pushing things further with her by telling her whats on my mind. I dont think it will help.

EVENTUALLY, I would like a civil relationship with her as a parent. I do not think I would get back with her, I am praying I am strong enough IF that day comes. I would have an extremely hard time trusting her ever again. like jwb said - i will not be 2nd choice, its me or nothing. - well she chose all ready. hope he's worth it...

3 weeks left here in this hole, then I can hold my son again! and go shopping for his new room's stuff :P

I cant wait. and yet, there is anxiety about the whole thing too.

today is her birthday, I have no plans to call her and wish her a happy one.
- i dont feel bad about that at all after my last birthday with her....

got all the way to dinner before she even said happy birthday, she ran to the card section AS we were buying formula for our son (at safeway together) and handed it to me 5 minutes after we got home, nothing else, and then we went and saw Sex and the City for something to do together...

what a great birthday.. I never did that to her.... so this can be the first one where she does not hear it from me at all, I secretly hope it pricks a little in her heart today.

[thack]

Interesting...

So, Totally unrelated completely...

The other day the woman who sent a letter to my house in April (never got to see it the STBX threw it away) found me on Myspace. She and I were EXTREMELY close friends in high school, and right about the time that we realized we had feelings for each other, she ended up realizing that she was pregnant with her X boyfriends kid - so she told me she couldnt do that to me, she broke it off with me and went to him (she thought that the best thing to do, even w/o feelings for him)

I have always dubbed her as "the one that got away" - well, she's divorced, been that way for 3 years, she's dating some guy right now but after talking with her all night (which is what we did, its 5am here, just now getting ready for bed) her relationship sounds like its more out of convenience than anything..

NOW, this is the very weird part, I am extremely stoked to talk to her, and she has mentioned that she wants to hang out, just the 2 of us, when I come home in march to visit my parents / son's grandparents.

I am not trying to read into it too much, but she's dropped several comments about my most recent Myspace pictures (cheesy I know, lol) and things she has been talking about with her cousin (who is another good friend of mine, who I chatted with tonight about it, she's pushing me to try and get her away from that guy... she can be pushy at times).

I don't know if its something that seems too good to be true, that the "one that got away" is reaching out to me, she did it in April without me engaging her first. I hadn't talked to her in 8 years, mainly because of the "wife" at the time, she had major issues, so i respected HER wishes and broke contact with arguably the best friend I've ever had.

I am happy as right now, I havent been this happy in months, I sit there with a giant retarded smile on my face as I talk to her..

I just dont know, is it too odd to have very old feelings re-kindled like this? Or would it be the "rebound" feelings popping up, I dont know. Honestly, HAD things happened differently our Senior year, I could see myself married to this woman right now..

and now, she's got a lot of the same experiences that I have (her X ended up having multiple affairs on her throughout their marriage), single parent status, just, a lot of the same issues I had with my STBX she had with her X, that I honestly dont think I would have had with her..

is it just odd timing or what, lol I dont know and I know you guys can provide speculation, please do. I will not rush into anything nor will I attempt to disrupt her relationship right now. IF she's comfortable in it, and happy - which she lead on that it was ok, not perfect that's for sure, just ok (her words- the guy is 5 years younger than her, so they mismatch on a lot of things)

happy and confused, lol. I dont know how else to put it...

I cant wait till I get home and my cell phone is active and she can call to talk whenever.

-

aside from that, sent the X an email saying Merry christmas, no response, oh well. not really surprised, didnt feel the need to send one for her birthday or new years after that. less is more at the moment, especially for me all ready having anxiety building about going home. -I am getting it lined up to have my son at the babysitters by my house the week I get home (if she's found a babysitter somewhere else all ready) so i can see him without having to lay eyes on her so soon, try to slice up the "hurdles" as much as I can.

hopeful, optimistic, happy, confused, lol just all sorts of things jumbled into one!

-T

[CHANDLERS WISH]

People come into your lives for a reason..

I am a believer in "fate" for sure.

The thing is your jumping haha... Which means the feelings you "had" for your ex, are not "love", through all your mixed emotions... You are not "in love", probably wasn't for the past 4 years.

This situation is perfect, providing the current boyfriend doesn't care, for at least letting you be you for a change.

As, for what will be?

What will be will be...

Don't even thing about it just enjoy.

CW

[thack]

People come into your lives for a reason..

I am a believer in "fate" for sure.

The thing is your jumping haha... Which means the feelings you "had" for your ex, are not "love", through all your mixed emotions... You are not "in love", probably wasn't for the past 4 years.

This situation is perfect, providing the current boyfriend doesn't care, for at least letting you be you for a change.

As, for what will be?

What will be will be...

Don't even thing about it just enjoy.

CW

Not sure I caught all of that properly, by jumping do you mean "jumping for joy" or "jumping to conclusions.. lol

I dont know, I had very strong feelings for the X, I honestly did, I felt the same pain and feelings that she did during the past 4 years, longer even for me in regards to certain things. I felt what I thought was love, I was extremely forgiving in a lot of aspects, I have had women and men alike tell me that the first time I suspected she had cheated - and showed signs (even with out hard proof) that I should have just cut ties. Instead I wanted to forgive and move on (hard to just forget something like that) and I guess since that day, I could not find a way to connect with her. I would try, and fail, and it put me in a very weird place in my mind, and emotionally. I loved her, I would not have had a child with her if I did not love her. That is something I wanted to wait on, she wanted kids like a year after we got married, I asked her to wait, so we could make sure we were settled into our life and our marriage was solid (look at me now for being careful).

This old friend popped up, and it surprised me, brought back a lot of old feelings. Its weird, I dont know if this is possible, she has 2 kids with her X husband, she's in Illinois, I am in Colorado, I dont think she is going to take a risk and uproot herself. She does not have sole custody, so who knows.

She does not seem happy in her current relationship no, it sounds like its more out of convenience than anything. But she doesnt have the resources to move, or just I dont know, its hard to explain. I dont know. I am extremely happy to be talking to her again, like i said, she was one of my best friends in my life so far. I have missed her throughout the years, but the X asked me not to talk to her and I respected the X's wishes. I think she was afraid I would cheat with this woman. However the X remained in contact with all her X's .. always bothered me a little, but I tried not to make a big deal about it.

The more I look at my marriage, it was just wrong, born to lose, destined to fail...
Infatuation became love for me, I believe it did the same for her, and then it stalled. And neither of us knew how to nudge it forward, and we just made bad choices. She was out looking for my replacement while I was looking for her.
But yet, she bounced between looking for my replacement to wanting me over and over again. so up and down, so no- i was not probably "in love" I can see that, but I had a WHOLE lot of love for her. Enough to have a son with her, and buy a house, among many other things.

So just the absence of "being in love" doesnt make it hurt any less, that's for sure, I hope and pray that I will not get hung up on this woman for too much longer, I want to let her go, I want her out of my mind, I want to not miss her, i am tired of wondering what she is doing, tired of searching for answers to questions that I dont WANT the answers to..

this is just confusing in and of itself, lol. I can be myself around this old friend, she knows everything about me, I know her past, she knows mine, there are no secrets (well, there cant be many) BLAST! lol, it feels right and wrong at the same time. I sure as heck wont be pushing for her to leave her boyfriend and her life behind, if she wants to, thats a choice she has to make, but I will not wreck a relationship... that's just too close to doing what I have had happen to me. So odd.

tis a very odd situation indeed, I cant wait to see her again in march, I keep checking my myspace just to see if she has sent me a new message or not.

Last night we ended our hour's of messaging back and forth with a conversation of something called "saturn's return" (google it, interesting concept) and that's where we are right now, I await her next message eagerly... lol...

I guess the hardest thing is this - if we were meant to be together so much, then why didnt it happen long ago? Were we meant to go through our trials and tribulations to finally realize what we meant to each other? She looked me up 3 years ago on reunion.com when she was going through her divorce, but I didnt have an account so I never got her messages. See the complexity of the situation?

-T

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Grrrr you just want me to re-peat but in American' don't you!!!!! haha.

The more I look at my marriage, it was just wrong, born to lose, destined to fail...
Infatuation became love for me,

Me said you loved your wife but you WERE NOT IN LOVE.

I await her next message eagerly... lol...

Me said your "jumping", ok that's fair it's Australian.. Meaning that you are at this point excited, and thinking lots of this woman, and hense therefore, my notation above... In love, is so different than loving someone, ....

I guess the hardest thing is this - if we were meant to be together so much, then why didnt it happen long ago? Were we meant to go through our trials and tribulations to finally realize what we meant to each other? She looked me up 3 years ago on reunion.com when she was going through her divorce, but I didnt have an account so I never got her messages. See the complexity of the situation?

Don't question the Universe, it works in mysterious ways. You have spent weeks upon weeks, solving, finding, through asking, reading, writing... You have been ASKING... and so "be careful what you wish for" (someone said that to me once recently), actually so did my ex when i said wish i wasn't married to you) haha.,.. k.. so, I am a great believer of do NOT, put things into boxes, she lives here, i live there, this won't happen because of, why now, not then, ...etc.

If you want something it WILL HAPPEN
If you believe in something, truly believe, it WILL HAPPEN
People come into our lives for a reason - SHE DID


Why after 3 years, well she searched for you then, she was divorced where were you at?

She searched for you now, where are you at?

Does that answer your question?

CW

[thack]

[B]


Why after 3 years, well she searched for you then, she was divorced where were you at?

She searched for you now, where are you at?

Does that answer your question?

CW

3 years ago, I did not have a reunion.com account, and I was still married. I didnt have myspace, facebook, or anything like that. So her attempt to find me when her divorce happened, it was harder to locate me than it is now.

It is very interesting to me how I reached out to her - no contact made
then she reached out to me - no contact made (well, the STBX got the letter and threw it away, I never got to read it)
and now, we found each other again - contact made!

I am excited to talk to her, for many reasons. Old feelings brought back up, old friendship re-connected, just so many things. lol.

I do know the difference in being in love and not. But for me, "in love" i dont know what that feels like any more, I am not sure, its just so much of an alien feeling right now its unreal. I did love my X-wife very much, I cared for her, I provided for her, but I could not connect with her, she was not happy with her self and she could not make her self happy, she expected me to do it for her, it sucked me dry. I withdrew to my game, I did not know how to react to this, I became a different person probably because of it. I was happy at times and unhappy at others, up and down. I guarantee that I felt all the same feelings she blames on me that she felt in the past few years. Right now, I am doing my best to stop loving her, I cannot hold on to that, IF I continue to hold onto love for this woman, then I will never be able to truly move on. I cannot sit and hope and pray that this love comes back, that is something I ask for in my prayers every night, for the strength to shed this feeling for this particular woman. Friendship with her right now is an alien feeling, its not something I want ~right now~ but its something I must do in order to improve my son's life. Its hard not to hate her for ruining my life with my son (the way I wanted it to be) I dont get to look forward to coming home to THEM every day now, I dont get to see my son every day, I am gone for work as it is, now my time with my little boy is cut down even more than that, its heart breaking and that is something that I would fight forever for!

I loved her enough to have a son with her, not under the unrealistic pretenses that "oh it will get better with a baby" but more of, I honestly love this woman and I want to have a child with her, so we can move forward with our life together and be a happy family!...

the "in love" phrase gets thrown around quite a lot, , she threw that at me once too, then changed her story ,again and again and again... coming back, going away, coming back..

while she was out looking for her greener pastures, I was looking for her...

so even with this old well of feelings that I have had renewed with this new woman (they share the same name ><) I still have feelings for the old woman. That itself is enough to drive me nuts...

and yes, I needed your post translated into "american" lol some of your phrases dont get the point across like you would like them to.