[cazza16]

ok so heres the story:
10 yrs ago i met Adam he was single, i was living with martin. within a year i fell pregnant and with in a few months of having my son my relationship with martin fell apart and he disapperared off the face of the earth, Adam and i carried on - on and off - for a while, if he found someone i left him alone and vice versa, it was never anything serious for either of us. When my son was 3 the niggling doubt that Martin was not his father became too strong and adam and i paid for a private test which confirmed my thoughts - my son never knew martin as he had dissappeared, adam and i decided not to say anything at that point in time to my son as i was living with a lovely guy called 'paul' who knew everything and Adam had met a girl and had not long had a child with her. as the years went on Adam remained my best friend - and only my friend- if i ever needed anything for my son he got it he stayed close to my son. sadly in time adam and his girlf split and he met some one else and moved in with her - for convienience- hes always insisted. 2 years ago my son started asking about his real daddy and we decided the time was right to tell him about adam. since then adam comes around every other night to put him to bed but has not told any of his family or his new girlf about our son. 9 months ago i split with 'paul' and he still has him every other sunday and on a tuesday evening whilst i am at work. i feel bad that my son doesnt get this with adam - to complicate things more after i split with 'paul' adam and i started seeing each other again but this time round its completely different - he stays over every friday and every other saturday night when my son is at his grandparents or 'Pauls' - if i try and get close to him - he backs off - if i back off he comes on full force - he stays till gone midnight on the nights he comes round to see our son - who knows nothing of us - nothing ever happens when our son is in the house - we keep our distance from each other, but once my son is gone adam is all over me - i know i your all going to say stay away from each other and concerntrate on your son but it is easier said that done - if i back off completely i think it might cause problems for thier relationship - and i decided a long time ago that i love him. i really dont know what to do for the best - any advice????????????????????????

[CHANDLERS WISH]

So, you were living with Martin, having an affair with Adam, fell pregnant, Martin after a while left, never to be heard of again, thinking that the son was his, but still didn't ever get in contact..

So, Adam and you remained "buddies", for a while, both of you with the understanding it's friends only with benefits and each of you found other partners along the way, none of which lasted for either of you.

However, the "benefits" bit stopped, when ever either of you were in a relationship. And, re-commenced whenever you weren't, for 10 years.

So Adam then became your "only" friend, throughout this time, except for Paul who knew everything, including about Adam, but yet, eventually that crumbled as well.

So is Adam still with this new girl of 9 months? And, did Paul leave because of Adam?

I mean that would have been real tough if Paul new everything, including you cheating on Martin with Adam do you think he may have either felt, that you still had feelings for Adam (or ones you think), ..... And your son knows Adam is the Father, but Paul is also a type of Father, as your son goes to his place and stays over as well now.

And you Son also either stays over at Paul's house or his Grandparents each fortnight at that time Adam comes over.

It sounds very messy to me for your Son... He has your grandparents, Paul, you and Adam... You have no one, but Adam, and who does Adam have? You, when he wants to and his son and still this girl? Or has she gone.

See, If Adam is still living with this "girl" for "convenience" so he says, then he is sleeping with you for "convenience" is he not? And, you have no one, other than total caos really. Do you think that you need to get yourself some friends? And, yes, sorry stop sleeping with Adam.

If Adam didn't care about Martin, and didn't care about the girl he is living with, then he is not caring about you either.

You made the heading " always the bit on the side" and that is exactly how i see it as well.

CW

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Sorry to add.

I know you state " I decided that I love him" but I can't get out my head that " I have no friends", or that your relationships were doomed. Martin's was doomed as you were with Adam.. Don't know if you were with Adam when Paul was around but Paul seeing Adam there, as the Father, knowing what happened, as I said, made in my opinion that one doomed.

Do you love him? Or he is the person you've known for 10 years intimately and so you feel that he is whom you should be with.

He is the Father of your child... Explain that to him and that you very much want that to continue, but go and find yourself friends, and i wouldn't be explaining this again to the next guy at least till you've been together for a long time and have not slept with Adam within that time, so that Trust can be built.

CW