The OP hasn't been around since Dec so we don't know what her situation has done, but she isn't the only one dealing with this. Some people have trouble with giving. There is emotional giving and sharing, there is economic, there is physical/sexual. Some people confuse one for the other; they think that providing economically is enough, whether to their children or their spouse. Sometimes rather than money, this is cooking and cleaning.
Giving emotionally is giving of yourself and there are degrees to this. It includes sharing your feelings, wants, needs, and desires. It is expressed in words, touch, looks and acts of caring. Physical/sexual giving can be touch, kisses, hugs, sex (within an appropriate relationship), or simply being there.
In a good relationship there is a balance. In any area the giving and sharing has to be done freely. People who keep mental account books of finances and contributions aren't giving, they are accounting. They aren't in a relationship so much as a business. They can't balance intangibles and it's really the intangibles that count. They are the ones who see that they paid for the mortgage, which is big and see things like costs for food and clothing and TP as "little" stuff, somehow it never hits them that this stuff adds up - fast. When things fall apart they see the house as theirs, they paid for it. The rest doesn't count. The food they ate for years is long gone, the cleaning and work to maintain the house that someone else did doesn't have a dollar value to them - they don't really "see" it. By the same token they are usually takers sexually and emotionally too. If they get a bj, they see that as "we" had sex. The fact that only one of the parties got any attention or got off escapes them entirely. If they aren't interested in sex, they are satisfied and see no reason to concern themselves with the other person's needs.
When life was agriculture based, men and women both had to work and produce for survival. Actually children worked too. Women, because they nursed babies, often took care of things closer to home. But both gender's work was vital to family survival. As we developed more labor saving systems and technology, roles changed and by various mechanisms including religion, gender roles became more rigid and defined - even legislated. Women became part of the property and their contributions were marginalized, essential but not "counted". Marriages were generally based on proximity, economics, and social position - love was an unexpected bonus.
We have different expectations now but in many ways vestiges of the old thinking and expectations still hold. We often deal in fairy tales, the man who will sweep us off our feet and lovingly and passionately take care of us forever, the beautiful nymph who will admire a man and fulfill his every desire while requiring nothing. These are not adult relationship models. Many people hold to them at some level. There are too many people who treat others like little things that can be put up on a shelf and take down and dusted off once in a while, when they feel like it. They fail to understand that just like a car left to sit without proper maintenance will not start because the gas has varnished, the oil gone thick and settled, the battery drained; a relationship needs care and effort to keep working. Carrying the car analogy further, they also fail to understand that while with min maintenance a car (or relationship) will keep running, it's the extra care, the detailing, keeping the peripherals in good working order, that makes it sparkle and feel good to be in and comfortable to travel with.
There has to be a balance in a working relationship, it cannot be weighted too heavily in any one area. If it is all physical/sexual, it's an affair not a relationship, if it's all economic then it's a business not a marriage, if it's all emotional then it's, what? A fantasy? I don't know quite how to define that. But I think a good relationship requires awareness and effort as well as the unconscious giving and receiving that keeps it fulfilling for all involved.
Giving emotionally is giving of yourself and there are degrees to this. It includes sharing your feelings, wants, needs, and desires. It is expressed in words, touch, looks and acts of caring. Physical/sexual giving can be touch, kisses, hugs, sex (within an appropriate relationship), or simply being there.
In a good relationship there is a balance. In any area the giving and sharing has to be done freely. People who keep mental account books of finances and contributions aren't giving, they are accounting. They aren't in a relationship so much as a business. They can't balance intangibles and it's really the intangibles that count. They are the ones who see that they paid for the mortgage, which is big and see things like costs for food and clothing and TP as "little" stuff, somehow it never hits them that this stuff adds up - fast. When things fall apart they see the house as theirs, they paid for it. The rest doesn't count. The food they ate for years is long gone, the cleaning and work to maintain the house that someone else did doesn't have a dollar value to them - they don't really "see" it. By the same token they are usually takers sexually and emotionally too. If they get a bj, they see that as "we" had sex. The fact that only one of the parties got any attention or got off escapes them entirely. If they aren't interested in sex, they are satisfied and see no reason to concern themselves with the other person's needs.
When life was agriculture based, men and women both had to work and produce for survival. Actually children worked too. Women, because they nursed babies, often took care of things closer to home. But both gender's work was vital to family survival. As we developed more labor saving systems and technology, roles changed and by various mechanisms including religion, gender roles became more rigid and defined - even legislated. Women became part of the property and their contributions were marginalized, essential but not "counted". Marriages were generally based on proximity, economics, and social position - love was an unexpected bonus.
We have different expectations now but in many ways vestiges of the old thinking and expectations still hold. We often deal in fairy tales, the man who will sweep us off our feet and lovingly and passionately take care of us forever, the beautiful nymph who will admire a man and fulfill his every desire while requiring nothing. These are not adult relationship models. Many people hold to them at some level. There are too many people who treat others like little things that can be put up on a shelf and take down and dusted off once in a while, when they feel like it. They fail to understand that just like a car left to sit without proper maintenance will not start because the gas has varnished, the oil gone thick and settled, the battery drained; a relationship needs care and effort to keep working. Carrying the car analogy further, they also fail to understand that while with min maintenance a car (or relationship) will keep running, it's the extra care, the detailing, keeping the peripherals in good working order, that makes it sparkle and feel good to be in and comfortable to travel with.
There has to be a balance in a working relationship, it cannot be weighted too heavily in any one area. If it is all physical/sexual, it's an affair not a relationship, if it's all economic then it's a business not a marriage, if it's all emotional then it's, what? A fantasy? I don't know quite how to define that. But I think a good relationship requires awareness and effort as well as the unconscious giving and receiving that keeps it fulfilling for all involved.
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