[castclau]

So i've been with my boyfriend for 6 months.

In the past six months we have gone through so many things that I feel I have grown as a person and we've grown as a couple.

These past few months have been so hard. I guess it's because we're past that "honeymoon" stage. We are both originally born in the same country, oddly enough we live in canada minutes away from each other.

The coincidence came that we were both coming back to argentina for the holidays, separate provinces. you see both his parents are separated and he came to visit his mother, while i came to visit my family whom i have not seen in 12 years.

He went through the trouble of asking my parents if i could take some time of my holidays here in B.A. to spend a few days over there and meet his family. My parents approved and what not.

So off i went. Before I left we spoke days earlier and he told me there was something he needed to speak to me about when I got to the airport. Something he had never told me before. When I got there, I was really happy and filled with joy that I was with him once again, thus we both suffer with chronic depression for years and easily fall down in a rut for anything.

When I got there, we went and sat at the airport bar and started talking. I've always been the kind of person who likes to get to the point(though this thread might be long, im so confused at the moment).

So i told him to stop beating around the bush and tell me what was going on. So he did.

In the past years before meeting me, he had been in a serious relationship before he left canada, he found out the chick got pregnant. He already had to leave. When he lived in Canada he did everything to send the girl money and was doing all the paperwork to bring her to the country. The girl took off to spain and only kept extortioning(sp?) money from his father and him.

He would still work his off for any amount that girl asked, but never had he seen a photo of that child nor did she ever mention being with him. In the end, with the cause of being burnt out and desparate for money, my boyfriend fell into a deep depression and when he needed his current girlfriend, she walked away and made it seem to everyone that he used that as an excuse to not want to give her money.

Two years passed and he never heard from him, until now that she is demanding more money. When he told me about this situation...I have to say, it killed me deep inside. Any woman who is deeply in love with someone, does not want to know that their loved one went through pain nor had someone else that they thought they loved more than now.

I have to say that i felt like i was a replacement.

He showed me that this wasn't this way and I was embraced greatly by his humbling family. It still itches me.

The issue now is...I have a past of not promiscuity but more of i was sexually abused and all those problems as a child brought me to be a woman who has always tried to look for love in the wrong places. More or so, men used this "i love you" on me when i was younger to get in my pants and leave.

Since I lost my virginity 3 years ago i've slepted with 3 guys...My boyfriend finds this very disturbing and tries to get past it. But it bothers him.

Today we were speaking about it and I finally came clean about everything in my past and why i am the way i am. When i entered the relationship, i entered with the wrong foot on the door, thus performing oral sex on the first date because he said he liked me (yes you can call me a if you'd like, i shake my head everytime i think about it).

In his eyes, he saw it very disrupting to see such a thing happening ..sometimes i wonder why he didn't tell me to stop...but carnal feelings i guess.

Anyways so we were talking about that. I asked him, how come he can tell me something about his past which most women will not easily let it happen(though it does hurt me) but i try to let it go but my past , he does not let go and gives him insecurities.

He said today "When I think of your past, I cannot see you as the mother of my children".

Hearing that hurts,I know he loves me, he's showed it and demostrated it many times. But it still hurts. He also said "maybe you love me more than i do because anything can happen and you will still love me regardless".

I feel this is a disadvantage to me and I know he can hurt me any second. He doesn't want to. When he gets like this, I instantly want to run away(my defense mechanism according to my therapist).

Logically, should I walk away from something we've both work so hard on and just because of doubts end this. Or should i stick around...

I truly love him and I can see him as my husband. He's proposed many times but it's too soon. Am I just making excuses...or is it not just me and it happens to many of you. Please help me..anyone
Love
CASTCLAU

[CHANDLERS WISH]

You've only had three encounters... that doesn't make you anything.

It is also your life and one thing about life is "lessons". If we don't make mistakes then we don't learn from them and we can't better ourselves.

You have done nothing wrong. You shared with someone you "love" your past in hope that he would accept the small amount of sexual adventures but he can't, he probably wants a virgin, or almost one, based on his own beliefs, thoughts...

He has made mistakes himself, giving money to a woman who probably doesn't even have a child, let's face it... Again, because that is the right thing to do, but only if you know that, that child is yours.

Point being we all make mistakes that we regret later, but you should not regret anything, you learn't from it, what to expect from boys and therefore, what not to do for future.

I can only suggest that you do not have to tell your "boyfriend" at all about your past, it belongs to you...

Problem is we are "honest" and as such we want to tell, so there is no hiding anything but do you want to marry a man who can not see that he has you now? That, those guys used you? That you were young? He will not get over the thoughts perhaps because of the way he was bought up.

Don't let him bring you down and know that you are a good person and deserve to be told so, and loved, not your past bother's a guy.

CW

[Guest]

I have to agree with most of what CW has said, To me past is past, bottom line, right now is what counts.

He said today "When I think of your past, I cannot see you as the mother of my children".

Hearing that hurts,I know he loves me, he's showed it and demonstrated it many times.

I can't imagine a Man that is suppose to love you say He cannot not see you as the Mother of his children, what kind of Love is that? You said he said that today. It's not like you are some child abuser or something, my, a little sex in a few yrs is very mild compared to some in this world.

The other thing, how is he showing he really loves you, love is more than words, sex, and temporal things, so what are they? How has he demonstrated it?

[tasha_correa]

Why is it that he has such a problem with you being in relations with other men, when obviously he has had relations with other women? It's not even like you hid your past from him for 6 month and then out of the blue dropped the bombshell on him. I feel that he is being insensitive toward you and he is not being fair at all. You and him need to have a serious one on one talk and let every thing out. Dont hold any thing back about this and let him know exactly how you have been feeling. (but be respectful at the same time) After the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship is always the hardest, and is the best way to test how well a relationship really is. If you do not think that you will beable to handal this (and by the sounds of him not being able to see you have his children, he is not handaling the relationship well) then maybe if the talk you guys have is uneventful or you have different veiw points on where this relationship needs to head than now is the time to move on. I know that it will be hard, but that is how you grow. We are here for you! Do what feels right.

[kms]

If he couldn't see you as the mother of his children, what kind of a father does that make him?? Honestly, don't be ashamed of your past. Understand what the mistakes were and why they happened. Figure out what was wrong and learn from it - and move on. You can't go back to change the past. I'd be right there with you if we could go back and change the past... so we have to learn to live with our mistakes and vow to never make them again.

I wonder why he sends this girl money without even checking or verifying that his child exists...? Is he telling the truth...??

[Hopeless Dork]

Cast, I just wanted to share something wierd with you, I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year, I also performed oral on him on the first date, I also was abused as a child. With the great relationship we have now, I also look back on that moment with regret sometimes because at first I did think it gave him the wrong impression of me, luckily for me he got to know me and realised that was not all there was to me.

Its hard to think of what someone had before you came into the picture but a past is just that, your boyfriend wouldnt be the man you met, or may have never met him at all if his experiences didn't make him who he was and lead him to where you were when you met.