[2morrow]

I am just wondering how to handle a situation that I have recently been told about. My girlfriends husband is having an affair, and I am wondering if I should tell her or keep quiet and let him continue to have his fun. They have 3 kids and have been married 15 years. I don't know what to do. Any opinions.

[baxter]

If your husband was having an affair would you want to know about it or not? And would you expect your friend to tell you if she knew? To me this is a no brainer, but i would want to gather more intelligence to be sure of myself.

But when the truth comes out there should be some decent evidence so he can't deny it.

When people cheat they are gambling with a lot. Including the respect from their children and friends, and if they loose it they deserved to. Cheating is very dishonourable in my book, it shows a complete lack of integrity and trustworthiness. For him to do this there is obviously a problem with their relationship, and instead of working through it with his wife and show some maturity, honesty and responsibility he cheats on her. What a husband.

[Ashlee T.]

That's a tough situation indeed. You have to be so careful, because alot of times untruths get told. While it may very likely be the truth, until you see something with your own eyes that condemns him, you really have no proof, and you really don't KNOW. And especially with there being kids involved, you musn't tell something unless you know it. There's a good chance that even if someone tells her she won't believe it, he'll make up some cover up story, and she'll turn her back on whoever told her such a "lie".

It's a tough call. Maybe you could just tell her you heard a rumor? Don't necessarily act like you believe it, or accuse him....... just tell her it's something that's "going around" . Gosh...I don't know....that's tough. Hopefully someone else will have experienced this and be able to give you some advice.

[happy ending]

i dont know i dont think she will believe it (even if she does, if you know what i mean) i have seen a very similar situation and the wife totally does not want to know. very often i think they do suspect something but dont want to deal with it. hope everything works out ok - whatever you decide.

[rcoreyus]

I wouldn't tell. Relationships are very complicated. Unless you have seen him having sex with your own eyes, you really don't know for sure what is going on. He may have an innocent friend (despite appearances). If someone told you, maybe they were mistaken or lying. Or - maybe she knows and for whatever reason doesn't mind, as long as it doesn't become public knowledge.

I am always happy to listen if someone wants to tell me about their relationship problems, but I don't think I would ever tell one partner about the actions of the other.

[Hopeless Dork]

If you do decide to tell her, you have to prepare yourself for the chance that she may not believe it - many people would rather lose a friend than have to face the truth that their spouse has been unfaithful. She may even know it already, Lots of women *do* know in the back of their mind but choose to ignore it.

If you don't tell her, and she finds out later though someone else or on her own it would hurt her to know you knew it all along and let her go on living and loving this man and potentially putting her health at risk if he is a shady character out their doing it without protection.

I agree that you should be neutral if you go on and tell her don't come out acting like you know it to be fact (even if you do) let her come to her own conclusions on any info presented.

Make sure that it is true before coming to her with this, why put doubt in her head and stress her out over rumors or gossip. If you know specific details that could lead her to figuring it out on her own even better.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I agree with Rcoreyus, we have been here a while and have read these threads, and replies , after math.

Reason?

She may feel you are jealous.
She may feel that you are not really a friend " denial".
She won't wont to believe it.
She will question him and he will lie.

The best thing you can do is this I think...


Tell HIM, you know... Tell him to make the decision to walk or talk.

And, be there for her.

When she asks you why you didn't tell her? Tell her, I told him, tell her or walk, if I told you would you have believed me?

I guess at the end of the day, we have to stay out of other people's relationships..

If you tell him you know, and he needs to make a decision, he may feel that he needs to act one way or the other..

You will either save their marriage, or he will decide to go, either way you are still there as a friend.

It is a hard one, absolutely, put myself in this situation? I would probably be deviate, i would establish a time they were together openly and ask you out..

And, be there for you..

That's an alternative.

CW

[Guest]

how do you know? did either him or the other person tell you themselves? what kind of affair is it supposed to be? physical or romantic or emotional.

i know a couple of people who have been accused of having an affair, and it turned out not to be true and the rumor mills only helped to destroy a relationship that wasn't in danger to begin with. I know another person who was having an emotional affair (if you can call it that, i think they were just very close friends) and was accused of something more, and the accusation of the "more" caused many more problems than there really were.

so before telling what you know, i guess you really need to know if it is in fact something you actually know for yourself, or something you've heard from someone who may or may not know.

what is it the doctors say? first, do no harm...

[happy ending]

yes, reading the others has just comfirmed my initial opinion. i know you want to help your friend, and so just stay out of it, she will ask for your help if she needs it. just be there for her.

[2morrow]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I have a group of friends we all at times hang out either as couples or just the girls will go out together. Well a couple weeks a go, a bunch of the girls went out for drinks. One of my close girlfriends admitted after a few drinks to me alone, that she was having the affair with this fellow. Its been going on for a year. I was shocked. She is currently divorced and she claims he went after her. He also says to her that he has a good marriage and has no intention of leaving the wife. I just don't understand why a PERFECTLY happy married man will do this ? Leaves me just shaking my head.
Anyway, I think I will just stay quiet, but I can no longer look either of these two people in the eye. He has no idea that I know. In a wicked way, I do hope he does get caught. But it won't be because I said anything.
Thanks again all.....