[CHANDLERS WISH]

Morals verses risk takers.

A person with morals, won't stray, they will walk first. When it's over or they think it is.

A risk taker whethe down and out, or confused, or not happy, will take the risk..they will justify.

CW

[kygirl]

I think people cheat (in general) for many reasons. I think one big one for a lot of people is that there is some underlying issue that they either don't deal with, haven't been able to figure out how to deal with, or have tried to deal with and failed. It can be lack of emotional or physical intimacy. I think a lot of times, it is a bit of both because for me it seems (and correct me if I'm wrong) the emotional and physical intimacy are often tied together a bit. I think people let themselves get too close to a situation that could turn into cheating and don't stop. There is always that moment when you have to decide if you're going to, and I think people get the point where it's not worth fighting it.

If you're thinking about cheating, I think you have to really question why it is even crossing your mind before you get close to that situation... Like stopping the boat before it starts to float quickly down the river

[LanaBear]

Because phyiscial monogamy isn't natural.

If you could point me to a credible source that provides evidence toward that statement, I would be extremely interested in seeing it.

Because I've often heard statements like that thrown around with no facts to actually support them, which is a shame because hearing something like that can really deflate a person.

We can look in nature and see SOME animals mate with multiple partners in life, and others sticking to just one. Is there evidence to support one or the other in humans? Surely we can't assume something about our species by picking and choosing the behaviors of others... right?

I absolutely agree with you Mes... I'm beginning to think hubby and I apparently live in a bubble. All this talk that people in relationships are never truly happy and people are not meant to be monogamous. It is deflating, nauseating really. Does everyone just sit around and wait for the inevitable to happen because humans were not mean to be monogamous?

To me it just sounds like a convenient excuse, honestly.

[WildChild]

I absolutely agree with you Mes... I'm beginning to think hubby and I apparently live in a bubble. All this talk that people in relationships are never truly happy and people are not meant to be monogamous. It is deflating, nauseating really. Does everyone just sit around and wait for the inevitable to happen because humans were not mean to be monogamous?

To me it just sounds like a convenient excuse, honestly.

I've said this before regarding the oft repeated, similar statement that men are biologically programmed to "spread their seed". This is something some one dreamed up and it has become "common knowledge". That doesn't make it true. The converse can be equally argued, that since the survival of one's genes is best assured by sticking around to help protect and provide for offspring, humans are biologically programmed to be monogamous.

[kygirl]

I don't get the whole "we're not programmed to be with one person" argument. I mean, get the biological "animal urges" thing, but humans have a very advanced emotional aspect that is not necessarily found in every animal. We have reasoning levels which allow us to speak and I think the fact that we are capable of more advanced thought and emotion (as much as science has proven) is also evidence that monogamy isn't completely impossible. People are capable of controlling their sexual urges as much as we control other urges. *most* people do not eat until they weigh 500 lbs, or run out and fight/harm other people intentionally, and most people can *choose* to be monogamous. I feel like monogamy provides security. Just like you have to choose to be single or to commit to someone, you can choose to cheat... it's not completely incontrollable (in most cases).

[stressed]

I have cheated on a guy (with a friend of mine who became a boyfriend) because:

- He had already been cheating on me for years (even had a baby with her), which I was aware of.
- Revenge
- The relationship was already dead and I wasn't sure how to get out of it, since it was my first one.

Since then, I've had 'reasonable' reasons and opportunities to cheat, but I didn't. I don't see the point in it, and it's not even worth doing it out of revenge. It may be tempting for millions of reasons (bad sex, no communication, loss of passion, curiosity, being easily charmed, creating unnecessary emotional bonds with the opposite sex and so on) , but the truth is that it's not worth it. Unfortunately, many of us only find this out after we've already cheated on someone in our lives.

[BabyGirl]

Being a recent " Mistress " I can only give you the dozen or so reasons that he gave me for being with me when married to her.

And I can also give you a dozen reasons why I was the other woman.. But that would be a very long reply.

So I will just say this for now.. If .... You or They Cheat ( Men or Women) it is because they are not 100% satisfyfied with their mate or themselves.

They feel they are missing or lacking something(s). We all grow and change from day to day. How do we think we got to where we all are today, if not for Growing and Learning to do things new , to ask Why ?

[herbie]

tell the person you love the truth to make yourself complete in that marriage tell them you will need to go outside the marrage for sex now its not cheating your telling them upfront ...........now the ball is in there court what do they want do ?

[KMonte85]

tell the person you love the truth to make yourself complete in that marriage tell them you will need to go outside the marrage for sex now its not cheating your telling them upfront ...........now the ball is in there court what do they want do ?

I disagree with this. Just because you've told your SO that you're going to need to go outside of the marriage to satisfy your sexual urges doesn't mean it isn't cheating. Perhaps to the person that wants to stray, he or she thinks he is in the clear because of being upfront. But for the one on the receiving end of that statement, I have a feeling they would feel quite differently. At least I know if my SO told me he wanted to go outside the relationship for sex (I'd end it right there, but hypothetically...) I would still consider it cheating if he did have sex with someone else. One person in the couple being okay with an open relationship does not make it okay for them to act on it.

As everyone has pretty much summed up here, if a person is cheating, then it is pretty obvious that they are not happy wth their relationship and/or themselves. It is unfortunate, though, the amount of people that would rather cheat than take the time to be honest with their partner about their unhappiness and try to work it out before throwing it all to the wind. IMO, if my boyfriend was unhappy, I would hope he would come to me and try to fix it with me before he completely distroys everything we have together, every ounce of trust and respect I have for him, for a short "high" he may get from distracting himself with outside flings.

[takaris7]

I don't get the whole "we're not programmed to be with one person" argument. I mean, get the biological "animal urges" thing, but humans have a very advanced emotional aspect that is not necessarily found in every animal. We have reasoning levels which allow us to speak and I think the fact that we are capable of more advanced thought and emotion (as much as science has proven) is also evidence that monogamy isn't completely impossible. People are capable of controlling their sexual urges as much as we control other urges. *most* people do not eat until they weigh 500 lbs, or run out and fight/harm other people intentionally, and most people can *choose* to be monogamous. I feel like monogamy provides security. Just like you have to choose to be single or to commit to someone, you can choose to cheat... it's not completely incontrollable (in most cases).

I really think the divorce rates say it all. There is something not right in the state of denmark that we are missing.
Literally, we are all missing the mark on this one. Some might consider monogamy as normal as eating food, cemented by our human rational ideals or some outdated religions "guilt" but to me I see nothing but "habit" and
"fear"

monogamy provides security because we are "afraid" to take the chance. Afraid to be alone. Human beings and about 98% of all mammals are designed to be monogamous as long as it takes to take care of any offspring that develope from the relationship. What does that say about us? Are we fighting some natual desire to move from one partner to another over time? I am not saying love is out but

I don't think there is anything wrong with monogamy at all but marriage isn't a stop gap cheating. Cheating happens because the paired partners are not compatable in their relationship. There can be varied differences in the relationship that sets the partners apart. Why be miserable in a "for life" relationship when nothing really works or we have grown out of like a pair of jeans?

I have seen many married couples who are miserable. I have seen many married couples who just live life together going through the motions..."because there is nothing else." I have seen many many married couples just hangring around each other "for the kids." I have seen many married couples just become "habits."